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Found out that DH has been sending messages on Adultwork for years. Gutted and so unsure of what to do/believe

(445 Posts)
SoUnsureNow Tue 18-Sep-12 16:24:30

This morning, my bus to work didn't turn up. We live rurally and another wasn't due for over two hours, so I went back home to look up the online train timetable for an alternative. I picked up DP's iPad from the kitchen table - and the screen was open to a message inbox on Adultwork, an advertising site for sex-work and escorting. It was DH's account. There were possibly 50 or so sent messages in there, dating back to late 2006 (a year before we got together) and right up to some dated only last week. Even more sickeningly, some of them were titled 'Bareback?', so this is obviously what he's been asking for. I couldn't read the actual messages, the account had automatically timed out so I could just see the last page viewed/inbox home.

When he got out of the shower I asked him what he was playing at. He claims that it's all him just messing around - that he gets bored working from home and being on his own all day, so he created a profile and sends the odd message on and off to "create a bit of fun and excitement" for himself during the day. He likes the anticipation of asking for a meet (escort appointment, I suppose?) with a special request and then waiting to see what the woman he's messaged replies to his request. He swears that he's never, ever bought sex, has never once met up with any of the women he messages during our relationship, would never put our relationship or my health at risk by having sex with women from Adultwork.

When I'm a bit bored at work, I might go and watch a funny video or two on Youtube or read the news on the BBC website. I don't create profiles on sex-buying sites/dating sites and message people to see what they send back.

I asked him to log me in to the account so I could read the messages he's been sending and receiving. I just wanted to see whether there was anything really incriminating there, like actual arrangements ot appointments, or post-appointment messages which would make it clear he's been buying sex. He refused, saying that even if there was nothing of that sort there, I'd still just think what I wanted to think.

Even though him saying this makes part of me almost certain that I'd find exactly what I think is there, my gut still believes him that he was just messing around online and hasn't ever taken it further. I don't know which is most likely. I don't know whether my 'gut' is just trying to get me to protect what I have rather than believe the worst.

Please hold my hand. I've been a mess all day. I don't have any family up here and not even one friend and not even an acquaintance, really - we relocated several hundred miles away from where I call 'home' last year, when DH was promoted: I sold my single-girl flat to help buy our house, packed in my (good, well-paid) job, left my friends and family behind. I have nowhere to go if I decide it's over. My job now is several paygrades below my old one and I can't afford to pay the mortgage on our house plus the rent on a new flat/even a room for myself.

I almost wish I hadn't seen what I've seen. I keep on thinking how could it happen, my bus is usually so reliable, why did it have to be AWOL today?! Stupid, I know. Our relationship is great - I'd have said near-perfect. We have a lovely home and a pretty carefree lifestyle. We rarely argue, and then only short rows about domestic or silly stuff. We'd decided to start TTC in the next couple of months. We still have sex most days: he can't claim that he sends sexy messages because he needs an outlet for his sex drive.

That's all, really.

RowanMumsnet (MNHQ) Thu 15-Nov-12 20:21:41


Thanks for the thread suspension suggestion: we will do that now while we review it.

nkf Thu 15-Nov-12 19:20:54

Don't angst about it. Just pack your bags, move back to your friends and call a lawyer. Look for work and find a better husband. You are young and you don't need to put up with this. You really don't. Just go.

TheReturnOfBridezilla Thu 15-Nov-12 19:10:02

My oh has never paid for sex. Women actually like him. grin

ObscuredByClouds Thu 15-Nov-12 19:08:32

I agree. I'm totally against thread locking as a rule but I think this one warrants it.

OP, it is not the normal nature of a man to cheat on his wife in any way, shape or form. When a man chooses to commit to a woman he is choosing not to have sex with anyone else. I just wanted to reiterate that point and send you some more support.

AnyFucker Thu 15-Nov-12 18:48:07

I liked that thread-locking feature when it was employed recently. There is no fun for the "googling" inadequates then. They will have to go play elsewhere.

WrathdePan Thu 15-Nov-12 18:46:21

hi AF.

good idea. Off to get some eye rinse.

AnyFucker Thu 15-Nov-12 18:45:28

Here I see another scenario where locking a thread would be entirely appropriate. It is solving no purpose now except to give inadequate fucks a platform.

WrathdePan Thu 15-Nov-12 18:45:11

Crumbs. Sometimes on MN I feel like a 10yr old who has just stumbled on stuff I shouldn't be seeing.

fwiw OP I wouldn't believe a word of his 'version'.

Littleblue Thu 15-Nov-12 18:45:11

I am not going to engage with a Troll.

OP , I hope you have found some resolution to such a traumatic discovery in your relationship...I have nothing else to add.

SebastiansWorld1 Thu 15-Nov-12 18:40:09

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Littleblue Thu 15-Nov-12 18:36:21


SebastiansWorld1 Thu 15-Nov-12 18:29:45

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Whatsmyproblem Thu 15-Nov-12 18:08:37

Sorry Charbon. Just completely ignored your advice there!

I've said my bit now.

Whatsmyproblem Thu 15-Nov-12 18:07:48

I think there is something very wrong in the head with men who can be emotionally detached enough to pay a person to pretend to be into them sexually and not care.

If I was with someone who I knew wasn't sexually into me but was faking it because I was paying them, I would feel really gross about it.

To not give a shit means you have a bit of a screw loose imo.

Charbon Thu 15-Nov-12 17:58:59

I've hesitated to post because it further bumps what was a dormant support thread, but as there's just been another post, have decided I will.

I wish there was a way of this site closing some or all threads to prevent further posts, but other posters need to be aware that threads like this aren't randomly googled by sexual inadequates. Unfortunately there are punter review sites out there which flag up Mumsnet threads and a bunch of lowlife users come over here to goad and attention-seek.

This thread was started by someone in distress and like other respondents that came afterwards to share their stories, keeping this thread alive and engaging with the inadequates just feeds their attention-seeking and can cause even more upset to the OP and others in her situation.

Just ignore.

Littleblue Thu 15-Nov-12 17:49:32

Oh and one more thing.... even if this chap (or any of you users of "WG's) DID use protection... its never 100% , against herpes for example... which is extremely common , and condoms do not offer reliable protection from... echoing previous posters who have retorted in the same vein as I have , but more eloquently... no , its not "acceptable" in a normal loving and intimate relationship , to use contact/swingers sites... I have used dating sites in the past , and I find it f***ing depressing how many marrieds use the internet to swing their dicks... I come across as a ball breaker no bloody wonder is it really !? Once told one gent that if the grass really looked greener on the other side , then clearly he needed to contemplate tending his own...and to f* off......

Littleblue Thu 15-Nov-12 17:41:12

claps again grin

AnyFucker Thu 15-Nov-12 17:40:28

Whenever I need reminding about how a minority of men are really shit I simply come and read a thread like this.

Littleblue Thu 15-Nov-12 17:22:57

Applauds fromesme I think this thread , as its in google , is attracting men who feel they can somehow justify such appalling behaviour on behalf of the OP's dh... best of luck chaps... now off you trot back to the fapping platforms.

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Thu 15-Nov-12 17:13:08

These recent posts actually give me the creeps. Amazing how many people were looking for Adultwork and came across this thread. How popular is this site?
Where to start??
Hubert, if you decide to throw away your relationship based on a sexual transaction, then there is more wrong in your relationship than you're admitting to
umm yes, your DP is a lying cheating scumbag who doesn't respect you. I would say that's a serious problem.
Even worse that you say basically that ignorance is bliss? Women should put up with it??
I think you are a repulsive human being to have so little respect for women.

FromEsme Thu 15-Nov-12 16:44:24

Charlieffff that's not a male viewpoint, it's your viewpoint. This idea that men are somehow unable to not have sex, while women can go for months/years without it, is so alien to me. I've been with men who have zero interest in sex. I know women who can't go with it. It is all to do with the person, men don't have some huge lusty appetite that they can't control. And if they can't, you can masturbate.

You know, like a normal, non-abusive, non-expolitative man would.

The day when society starts treating men as adults with some sort of workable intellect and ability to control their impulses will be a fucking happy one.

Fuckitthatlldo Thu 15-Nov-12 16:38:41

Yeah girls. Better put up and shut up. Because boys will be boys after all hmm

hubert Thu 15-Nov-12 15:52:55

@littleblue it's your type of response that I do not think is helpful. You do not know that he has done anything other than send some dirty emails.

In the vast majority of cases, bareback requests would never be contemplated. If this guy is a regular user of Adultwork he will know that and it quite possibly indicates that he is living out some online fantasy.

"for you , to have no INTELLIGENT control of such base behaviour.... heard it all now" Unfortunately it is extremely common in the male species, I don't use it as an excuse or as means of condoning, it is what is.

@Charliefffff your last paragraph is very true. I'd advise any woman who discovers Adultwork in their partners browsing history and wants to continue with their relationship not to dig further, assume the best not the worst, take an sti test and drop into conversation how horrified you would be if you ever discovered that your partner was using escorts

Charliefffff Thu 15-Nov-12 15:07:43

I just came across this post while googling Adult Work. I am a married man and a father. I rarely use Adult Work beyond browsing, as I don't trust the 'Profiles' posted by most of the girls. I do use prostitutes, though, and on a fairly regular basis. I wouldn't consider 'Bareback' though. I am sorry that you had to find out that your husband uses what we call WGs. I do understand how shocking this sort of discovery must seem to many of the women that post here. Unfortunately, that is the difference between men and women. The sex industry thrives because of men. It's a simple case of supply and demand. In my case, I use prostitutes for regular sex, simply because my wife has zero interest in having sex with me and, indeed, in any kind of physical affection. She can't explain to me why, but we stay together because of our kids and our mortgage. The alternative is poverty for both of us, and a lousy environment in which to raise children.
It's the physical contact rather than the sexual contact that I miss. In fact, I often visit massage parlours where I can get a really good massage followed by what we call 'hand relief'. I would dearly love to have sex again with my wife.
I appreciate that a post like this isn't going to change any woman's mind, but I just wanted to put across the male viewpoint. And I am not in a minority, despite what some of you may wish to think about your respective husbands and boyfriends and the fathers of your children. Be careful what you go looking for.
Thanks for reading.

Littleblue Thu 15-Nov-12 14:44:21

Oh , men can't help being dragged by their parts into the nearest willing female for cheap thrills?? really? you poor things.... that must be awful for you , to have no INTELLIGENT control of such base behaviour.... heard it all now

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