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Found out that DH has been sending messages on Adultwork for years. Gutted and so unsure of what to do/believe

(445 Posts)
SoUnsureNow Tue 18-Sep-12 16:24:30

This morning, my bus to work didn't turn up. We live rurally and another wasn't due for over two hours, so I went back home to look up the online train timetable for an alternative. I picked up DP's iPad from the kitchen table - and the screen was open to a message inbox on Adultwork, an advertising site for sex-work and escorting. It was DH's account. There were possibly 50 or so sent messages in there, dating back to late 2006 (a year before we got together) and right up to some dated only last week. Even more sickeningly, some of them were titled 'Bareback?', so this is obviously what he's been asking for. I couldn't read the actual messages, the account had automatically timed out so I could just see the last page viewed/inbox home.

When he got out of the shower I asked him what he was playing at. He claims that it's all him just messing around - that he gets bored working from home and being on his own all day, so he created a profile and sends the odd message on and off to "create a bit of fun and excitement" for himself during the day. He likes the anticipation of asking for a meet (escort appointment, I suppose?) with a special request and then waiting to see what the woman he's messaged replies to his request. He swears that he's never, ever bought sex, has never once met up with any of the women he messages during our relationship, would never put our relationship or my health at risk by having sex with women from Adultwork.

When I'm a bit bored at work, I might go and watch a funny video or two on Youtube or read the news on the BBC website. I don't create profiles on sex-buying sites/dating sites and message people to see what they send back.

I asked him to log me in to the account so I could read the messages he's been sending and receiving. I just wanted to see whether there was anything really incriminating there, like actual arrangements ot appointments, or post-appointment messages which would make it clear he's been buying sex. He refused, saying that even if there was nothing of that sort there, I'd still just think what I wanted to think.

Even though him saying this makes part of me almost certain that I'd find exactly what I think is there, my gut still believes him that he was just messing around online and hasn't ever taken it further. I don't know which is most likely. I don't know whether my 'gut' is just trying to get me to protect what I have rather than believe the worst.

Please hold my hand. I've been a mess all day. I don't have any family up here and not even one friend and not even an acquaintance, really - we relocated several hundred miles away from where I call 'home' last year, when DH was promoted: I sold my single-girl flat to help buy our house, packed in my (good, well-paid) job, left my friends and family behind. I have nowhere to go if I decide it's over. My job now is several paygrades below my old one and I can't afford to pay the mortgage on our house plus the rent on a new flat/even a room for myself.

I almost wish I hadn't seen what I've seen. I keep on thinking how could it happen, my bus is usually so reliable, why did it have to be AWOL today?! Stupid, I know. Our relationship is great - I'd have said near-perfect. We have a lovely home and a pretty carefree lifestyle. We rarely argue, and then only short rows about domestic or silly stuff. We'd decided to start TTC in the next couple of months. We still have sex most days: he can't claim that he sends sexy messages because he needs an outlet for his sex drive.

That's all, really.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 18-Sep-12 16:53:16

BTW... call your best friend. The last few weeks of pregnancy are damn boring and uncomfortable. She'll probably be very pleased to hear from you.

HecateHarshPants Tue 18-Sep-12 16:53:51

Nothing can upset you more than not knowing. If he's refusing to let you see (and I think he's full of shit, tbh) then realistically, are you going to think he's telling the truth or lying?

I don't know this, of course, I'm not in his head, but I bet my last rolo that he won't let you see because you WILL find something, not because you won't.

He has to understand that the only chance he's got now depends on him being honest.

Really sorry you're going through this.

BalloonSlayer Tue 18-Sep-12 16:56:32

So if you say "Well if you don't show me the messages, we are definitely over, whereas if you do and you are innocent they might prove this" what do you think he will say.

He says "I'll just choose to believe . . ."
"It won't make any difference. . ."
"he knows will upset me even more."

He just loves to tell you, how you feel, how you think, how you will react doesn't he? Is he like this in other areas of your life?

It's meaningless is it? He needs to know that it is not meaningless to you. What it MEANS to you is: disgust, sordidness, STD clinics, divorce . . . He needs to get the picture.

Purplemonster Tue 18-Sep-12 16:56:35

Sorry OP didn't mean to sound all 'me me me' just had a bit of a bloody shock. Hope you manage to resolve your situation one way or another.

OneMoreChap Tue 18-Sep-12 16:56:42

Sorry, OP.

I think mumsnet can be a bit judgy sometimes, but 6 years? Asking about bareback? I think he has at least met/visited some of these women.

If it was porn (not popular here, I know) at least you'd think he's been having a quick go with himself. What else are you meant to think? If he won't let you see the messages I think you are probably right.

I think you do need to get an STI test, particularly if you have been TTC with him.

vintagewarrior Tue 18-Sep-12 16:58:48

So sorry for you. He had a chance to show you the messages in that moment, it's worthless now as he'll have deleted anything incriminating.
Game over for me i'm afraid, I'd not feel the same about him after that.
I'd also get down the clinic for tests, and blag him that I have caught something to try & trip him up. But i am a clever & calculating bitch, you may not be.
Talk to a friend in RL if you can x

HalfaShandy Tue 18-Sep-12 17:00:54

I know some m ay disagree but those of you that have just found something suspicious - it may be wise to play your cards close to your chest initially whilst you do your onw investigation work on computers, bank accounts, searching for further evidence (condoms?) etc. BEFORE you approach or confront.

Few blokes roll over and say Opps yeah you caught me! It will be a case of damage limitation and once he knows you are on to him any incrimination eveidence will be hidden/deleted and you may never know what he has or has not been upto.

So sorry for you all. Its utterly shit being in this situation sad.

ErikNorseman Tue 18-Sep-12 17:01:28

He could have shown you the messages immediately with no chance of deleting anything. Now of course you will think he has deleted messages because he has had time to do so.

He's a massive liar. Sorry x

Donkeysdontridebicycles Tue 18-Sep-12 17:07:08

What a horrible shock. The trouble is, you'll now be questioning your time together, wondering what else might have happened. He's probably had a long time to think up plausible excuses. Well done arranging an STI test. I think confiding in your best friend will help you sort things in your head.

CheeseandPickledOnion Tue 18-Sep-12 17:08:47

Oh dear.

I think you have a right to see the other messages regardless of what he says. And I think it should have been a case of show me or I leave. Has he now had time to delete?

OneMoreChap Tue 18-Sep-12 17:08:56

I'm generally a hmm snooping type.

Adultwork? Worth snooping for, sorry.

Mama1980 Tue 18-Sep-12 17:11:40

What a hideous situation I'm so sorry op. I'm sorry but I can't see anyway that he is not lying, bareback/6 years?! That is not idle chatter and his defensiveness over the messages screams guilt I'm afraid. For me this would be a instant deal breaker. Glad to read you have a Sti test booked. If you want to stay stay but if you only stay because you feel far from home with nowhere to go then go. Yes it's scary but in the long run you'll be happier, if you stay and feel like that you'll end up feeling you sold yourself short and I can't see that way happiness lies sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 18-Sep-12 17:15:22

<Delicate old biddy not sure if she should even be asking alert>..... 'bareback' means?

ShIne0ncrazydiamond Tue 18-Sep-12 17:17:39

Without a condom

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 18-Sep-12 17:18:15

Thanks. Ew...

AThingInYourLife Tue 18-Sep-12 17:23:20

I've rarely heard a lie so blatant and ridiculous as his excuse for not showing you his inbox full of "innocent" messages to prostitutes asking for unprotected sex.

He is treating you like a fool and you are too shocked to see it for just what it is.

He's a liar and a longstanding punter.

He buys sex and has put your health at significant risk.

At least you have no children by this scumbag.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 18-Sep-12 17:25:16

So sorry Op (and to the others who have found their OH's accounts on this site).

Cheating is bad enough but choosing to use vulnerable women and buy sex from them has to be the worst kind of cheating. Not only is he throwing away years of marriage for meaningless sex, but also he has very warped ideas about women and relationships sad

It must be a shock to discover the real him after so long sad

sades101 Tue 18-Sep-12 17:27:46

Firstly, you shouldn't base emotional life decisions on material things, that will only lead to misery (in this situation the only misery felt would be from you) secondly, he has no right in not letting you see his account - It's ridiculous. I will categorically tell you that he has done something more than flirt if he doesn't let you see his account. It's stupid him acting as if you seeing more will only hurt you - Not knowing is far worse, long lasting and damaging to a person that reading something you may not like to see.
If I were you I would play it cool with him whilst you arrange somewhere to go, get some money aside for yourself and get out of the relationship - Someone that does that for 6 years needs their eyes opening, also the fact that you have let it lie so readily just tells him that all is well and go ahead and carry on doing that... Which no self respecting woman should ever have to deal with. If you don't feel enough respect for yourself to leave (even if that does leave you in a less than ideal money situation) then I would say try and get some counselling to get some self respect YOU DESERVE BETTER, YOU ARE WORTH MORE. What's the point in having a leisurely 'easy' life if it is full of dishonesty. I hope you find the courage to either force him to show you his account in which you can then decide for yourself what damage has been done and whether or not it can be repaired, or just to get out of the relationship now.
I'm not usually this upfront, but I think he sounds very deceptive and manipulative.

Hope you get it sorted

QuintessentialShadows Tue 18-Sep-12 17:30:18

What AThingInYourLife said.

angry What a despicable excuse for a man.

QuintessentialShadows Tue 18-Sep-12 17:31:05

Why fantasize about going bareback with a prostitute? He does that with you all the time, does he not?

I bet he has done it many times already.

monsterchild Tue 18-Sep-12 17:35:00

And I second calling your friend. I'm 27 weeks and I would not at all mind taking in a friend in need. Please don't let that stop you. If nothing else, she may appreciate the company and if you were to offer to do the bending and other chores around the house I'm sure she would love you!

PostBellumBugsy Tue 18-Sep-12 17:36:26

OP, I'm so sorry - what a horrible discovery.

Have you looked to see if there are any other suspicious looking sites on his ipad? If he's been on Adultwork for 6 years, there is a liklihood he may have been on other sites too.

Sadly, I agree with most of the others that there is a strong liklihood that he'll have done more than just visit the site. Although to be honest, just visiting it would be a deal breaker for me. Fantasising and corresponding with another woman about riding bareback while in a relationship would repulse me so much, I'd really struggle to have an intimate relationship with him again.

You'll get lots of good advice on here - please don't let him pull the wool over your eyes.

AnyFucker Tue 18-Sep-12 17:38:06

This would be game over for me

Not necessarily because he had most likely cheated.

But because of the way he carelessly disrespects women and expects you to swallow his lies

The sad thing is, you are prepared to do just that sad

I couldn't stay married to a "man" like this

sades101 Tue 18-Sep-12 17:38:36

I agree PostBellumBugsy I no a lot of people are okay with stuff like that... but I'm not even okay with porn - My partner wouldn't like me watching other men, so I expect the same in return!!

AThingInYourLife Tue 18-Sep-12 17:39:05

It shows the lovely side of prostitution that these women are happy to spend 6 years e-mailing a bored man who never pays them any money.

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