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Seeing someone who likes that i'm why do i feel uneasy?

(48 Posts)
PinkleWickers Tue 18-Sep-12 13:38:12

Its been a couple of months, i like him, he's smart, funny, kind and attractive. Which is all good obviously.

I am very fat and he loves this apparently, but its making me feel a bit...objectified?

I cant work out whether this is my issue because while i dont stress over my weight i dont want to be this size. My exes have probably found me attractive despite being fat and with him it seems to be because of it.

He has made a few comments about me losing weight, which i have been doing gradually since before we got together, and when ive challenged him he says he cant help having his preference but that of course i should do what i feel is right for me.

I dont think ive explained it ver well. I cant really put my finger on it. I suppose its basically that i cant feel comfortable with something i dont like about myself being fetishised.

Not sure what im asking really...

HecateHarshPants Tue 18-Sep-12 13:39:46

Because someone should like you, regardless your size and maybe you feel it's not the person they like but the size?

Would they want to be with you if you lost weight?

MiggleMoo Tue 18-Sep-12 13:43:07

Its the same reason that if you were super slim and that was why someone was with you... it is objectifying you. Maybe he is just trying to tell you he loves you the way you are...

ClippedPhoenix Tue 18-Sep-12 13:44:56

Have you heard of feeders OP? They objectify people with weight issues. Whilst this isn't the same, their motives are. Is this the sort of feeling you get about him?

MrsjREwing Tue 18-Sep-12 13:46:13

I don't like cuddles from boney people, it is not nice to me, I like a bit of flesh on a man, do you think it may be something like this?

lambinapram Tue 18-Sep-12 13:49:09

Is he from a culture where being bigger is seen as attractive?

I have been in your shoes. Its very hard to tell the difference between men who are just attracted to my shape and those who see it as a fetish.

An ex was definately the latter, DP is the former. I dont know how to put the difference into words.

DP has said I shouldnt lose weight, but when I said after this baby is born I will be he volunteered to help me.

Its really hard to tell but I think you should trust your instincts!

Does he compliment your size, or you?

TheCalmingManatee Tue 18-Sep-12 13:58:07

He does like you for you, you are a big lady and that is part of your attraction for him. Yes it shouldnt all be physical, but initially it generally is - if he turns into a keeper and he loves you for you, it wont matter to him if you slim down to a size 8! Just like me - when i met my DP, i was a size 10 with quite an ample bust! He was attracted to me, i guess, because of the way i looked. I am now a size 20-22 (twice the woman i was when he met me!!!) and he still loves me, still finds me attractive. I think if i held a gun to his head he would admit to maybe prefering it if i slimmed down a bit, its not a healthy weight although im fairly active and fit.

Be pleased he loves you for you - i am sure he doesn't have a fat fetish, but really, so what if he does! It is only society that dictates that being fat isn't attractive. Personally i don't think skinny is attractive and i did, after i had DD2 lose ALOT of weight, went back to a size 12, i was miserable, i had no breasts and i just felt wrong, im a big girl and im proud of it, yes maybe id like to be a size 16-18 as im not an idiot, i know being very overweight is bad for my health but any man i meet now would have to take me for who i am. There would be no point me trying to attract a man who likes tall stick insects when im more of a short hippo! Thoes men wont be attracted to me, but men who like lot of soft curves and ample boosom will be!

MrsjREwing Tue 18-Sep-12 14:12:16

After the comments I have read on the internet regarding Kate the last week, I get the impression a lot of Men like a woman with a bit of flesh on their bones.

PinkleWickers Tue 18-Sep-12 14:12:56

I know he likes me, who i am, my hair, my face etc. He's interested in my life and my thoughts. So its not just my fat arse. But he's sooo intome being big that i spend far more time giving it any thought than i would have previously. Like its a a really important thing.

He has jokingly talked about 'feeding' me hmm and has openly said hed love me to be bigger, again when i pull him up on it he says its my body, i can do with it as i please ets etc...

I tgink its more than just a casual preference, thats the thing, its very sexual. Which is lovely and great but definitely straying into fetish territory.

I think ive always had a suspicion that guys like this secretly hate fat women. But i dont know why

ClippedPhoenix Tue 18-Sep-12 14:16:21

Whatever though OP, the man makes you feel uneasy. He's not the one for you.

Hmm. Your last post has me thinking he sounds like my ex. sad

AMumInScotland Tue 18-Sep-12 14:36:12

If you've told him you would like to lose weight but he then goes ahead and tells he'd like you to be bigger, then all the "but of course it's your body" in the world doesn't outweigh what he's actually telling you loud and clear - your "fatness" is something he values over and above your right to decide for yourself. He wants you to choose to be the weight he prefers, to please him, but he's wrapping it up in "nice" ways of putting it so that you can't turn round and say "Dream on mate".

His motivations may be all sorts of things - but I don't think it's a good idea to be with someone who likes you mainly for one aspect of yourself. He should like you for who you are, not one particular thing.

EdMcDunnough Tue 18-Sep-12 14:39:42

If he is 'joking' in this way he is probably testing the water.

It doesn't sound to me like he is actually joking, sorry sad

and yes, if he is seeing your extra weight as a turn on then you will feel uneasy because it might mean he will leave you or be upset if it changes.

Someone's body should be attractive to their partner probably but mainly, it should be about your mind, your feelings, you, the person inside of it.

I'm sorry to be harsh but I'd be ending this - your instincts are telling you to, and he sounds a bit obsessive.

EdMcDunnough Tue 18-Sep-12 14:44:30

Also, if it is something you are not especially comfortable with, and if you feel you would prefer to be thinner, the fact he disagrees with you isn't great.

I was anorexic for several years and if I'd met someone who thought I was very attractive in that state, I'd have been seriously concerned about their motives.

Not suggesting you're as unhealthy as I was - but I hope that makes sense.

PinkleWickers Tue 18-Sep-12 14:47:13

No, thats it exactly.
"I was anorexic for several years and if I'd met someone who thought I was very attractive in that state, I'd have been seriously concerned about their motives."
Thats precisely how i feel.

Lueji Tue 18-Sep-12 14:47:42

Essentially, excessive fat is unhealthy.
You'll be in danger being with this man, because he won't support you in being healthy. And he's already working on controlling you to gain weight instead of losing it.

PinkleWickers Tue 18-Sep-12 14:49:03

Its just trying to work out whether im projectin my dislike of being fat onto him, so it seems fucked up to me but actually could be perfectly healthy and hes just a really lovely man who happens to love how i look confused

ClippedPhoenix Tue 18-Sep-12 14:49:43

Time to get shot of this one isn't it OP.

PinkleWickers Tue 18-Sep-12 14:51:25

I like him a lot. If i didnt i woild just end it as not worth the unesay feeling. But i keep telling myself the problem is mine, not his

Lueji Tue 18-Sep-12 14:55:56

hes just a really lovely man who happens to love how i look

That is a different thing from what you described.

He's saying, it's your body, but I like it larger and I'd be happy to feed you.

Not: it doesn't matter what size you are I love you.

piratecat Tue 18-Sep-12 14:57:25

can you write down other things he has said, and in what tone or situation. it's hard to assess.

if you'd said 'oh i hate being this size, i don't want to get any bigger I want to lose some weight' and he'd said
'it doesn't bother me I would care what weight you were, or even if you put on some'

then that sounds different than this vision i have now of him rubbing his hands together at the thought of your putting on more. dyswim?

PinkleWickers Tue 18-Sep-12 15:00:25

Oh and to answer a question i missed, no hes not from a culture where bigger is more attractive. He's from the land of leggy blondes!

PinkleWickers Tue 18-Sep-12 15:05:04

Ok, things hes said. This will paint him in a not very good light thouhg.

He likes to talk about mu weight during sex, in a way that makes me feel embarased. Not derogatory things but he knows im embarassed and seems motivated by that.

I used to be bigger and likes to ask about that. How it looked, what did my ex think of it etc.

Ive never told him my weight but he asks at least once a week, and keeps on until i get annoyed. But he does it in a 'jokey' way.

squeaver Tue 18-Sep-12 15:11:00

Oh dear. At a minimum, I'd call that an unhealthy interest. Especially the bit about being "motivated" by you feeling embarrassed.

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