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DH has joined a transvestite dating site (long, sorry)

(83 Posts)
StunnedandAngry Mon 17-Sep-12 09:51:17

I'm in shock. I think my changed username says it all, tbh. If this turns out to be a marriage-breaker I will repost in my RL NN as quite frankly I don't care who knows what the fucker's done to us.

DD's school does everything by emailun, they had sent a form out on Friday to be handed in today - my laptop isn't connected to the printer so I logged on to DH's pc this morning (as myself) to retrieve the email and print the attachment - I only had weekend emails on my webmail (I can't get outlook on his pc) so I then logged on as him (we know each other's passwords, trust has never been an issue) and went into his Outlook to get the school email.

The form was there and just beneath it were 2 emails, one welcoming him as a registered user to TrannyDates and another from them urging him to get a full membership so he can contact 'hot girls' directly.

I took DD to school (trying not to cry) and then went home and followed the link to his profile there. It's him. No photo, he's changed some details (exact location, dob - the fucker's made himself 8 years younger!) but the username he's given himself is one he uses on just about every site he goes on (up til today I thought that was Share dealing and Facebook) so I know it's him.

He's registered as being interested in erotic chat/email, discreet relationships and 1 on 1 sex. For Marital Status he has checked "Prefer not to say" angry

He doesn't have the full membership (I believe you have to pay for that) but the fact he's even registered has appalled me. Still trying not to cry.

I just can't believe it. What is upsetting and pissing me off even more is that we haven't has sex for 2 years - because HE hasn't wanted it! He is VERY overweight (another lie on his profile, says he's 'average') and tells me he feels depressed and undesirable - when I've tried to initiate sex (I've always had a higher sex drive than him throughout our TWENTY ONE YEAR OLD MARRIAGE) he's either put me off or been unable to sustain anything. I've been unpushy and understanding but quite frankly there have been times when I've fantasized about going out and getting a fuck buddy (only I wouldn't, because I love him). I've read that 'sexless relationships' thread many times and wondered if I should be on it...

And the real pisser? I may well be outing myself despite the namechange here, but I've just been made redundant and am a sahm - for the first time in my life, financially dependant upon the bastard (we put the redundancy payment - 2 years' wages - against the mortgage). He wanted me to do this. Tbh, I wanted to do this, I want to be there for DD (she has mild learning difficulties and needs support), to go back to college and retrain, but now I don't know what to do. I'm a 46 year old woman with childcare commitments, no qualifications beyond o'levels and work experience of only 1 organisation, how the fuck am I going to support myself now?

I don't know what to do. I'm utterly shellshocked and can barely see the screen now for crying. I want to drive over to his office and murder the bastard.

Also found out on looking further in his email that he opened a gmail account with a different password (he has the same password for everything usually) so I have no idea what else he's been doing. I trusted this man. He's often working late/away and I trusted and believed him. Fuck knows what he was actually doing. I feel like our marriage is a complete and utter sham.

What do I do now?

Netguru Mon 17-Sep-12 09:54:56

Didn't want to read and run.

So sorry.

You need to talk to him. Really talk - not scream (although I utterly understand why you may do the latter) If he is set on this then you may well have reached the end of the road. He may not be - and your upset may bring him back to reality.

Good luck

BarbarianMum Mon 17-Sep-12 10:03:14

So sorry. Also don't want to read and run but your post has left me speechless.

I think you need to talk to him but exactly how and when would be best I've no idea. Maybe not when your dd is in the house.

Hopefully someone with similar experiences and good advice will be along shortly.

NamesKerry Mon 17-Sep-12 10:04:41

I don't have any useful advice sorry as i'm in a similar position and have buried my head in the sand with regards to confronting my partner. I know I have to do something soon but I feel so weak and don't think I could cope with the outcome at the moment. I've recently been prescribed anti depressants so hopefully soon I'll be in the right frame of mind to handle the fall out from any confrontation.

I hope you're stronger than me. I really feel for you. I'm so sorry you're facing this situation too sad x

AnyFucker Mon 17-Sep-12 10:05:33

I am really sorry.

This would be a deal breaker for me, despite any weak excuses and justifications he may come up with for this skanky and disrespectful behaviour

I could never trust, nor even have any regard for, a person such as this

All the best, and if I could give you one piece of advice I would say take no blame for this

Elliptic5 Mon 17-Sep-12 10:08:16

So sorry, I don't really know what to say - I agree with Netguru you really need to talk as you need to give him the opportunity to tell the truth and not just lie to prevent a confrontation as men are prone to do.
In your position I would find it very hard to wait until the end of the day when he comes home, I would need him to come home now to discuss things. The alternative is that you spend all day looking for more evidence to get a clearer picture of what's gone on.
Perhaps even getting him to leave work and meeting you on neutral ground could get him to tell you the truth.

Probably no help, just thoughts on what might work if it were me.

canistartagainplease Mon 17-Sep-12 10:10:36

Talk to him yes, but also view him as the finantial liability he has become to you.
Get some advice from a solicitor, get hold of all the household/personal/finantial documentation you can, get some outside help (trusted friend if you have one).
It seems that your h has decided now is the time to embark on an infidelity and is not brave or supportive enough to talk to you. If you do talk to him you can expect for him not to support you or give you any help in family affairs. He is absenting himself, you need to protect yourself and then have the talk.

BethFairbright Mon 17-Sep-12 10:12:50

My immediate advice is don't confront him other than face-to-face. A lot of people who dislike confrontation send texts, e mails or hide at the end of a phone and unfortunately, that gives the other person loads of time to dream up an explanation and also destroy evidence. The element of face-to-face surprise, together with an instant demand to see a phone, laptop or any other technical gadget, is always a more productive way of dealing with this.

The fact that this is a transvestite site might be relevant to his body issues and lack of sex drive, they might not. But the salient fact you shouldn't lose sight of is that he was planning to be unfaithful (or already has) with strangers.

StunnedandAngry Mon 17-Sep-12 10:17:02

Thank you all for replying.

I have printed out the emails and his profile so that he can't deny it - I know for a fact he has looked at 'spanking' porn sites in the past but that was about 10 years ago, he is well aware of my feelings on porn (highly negative) and claimed that it was a pop-up from a gaming site and he'd never actually clicked on it. Very blustery and 'how could you think that of me?'

I was hmm at the time but he was then a technological illiterate who had no pc protection at all (I regularly had to debug the thing for him til he let me install AVG) and there was an outside chance it could have been that, so I let it go.

I discovered today that he has private browsing enabled on his pc, so there is no history there to check.

I just feel sick. 2 years of massaging his ego, telling him it was okay, I didn't mind, things would get better... and he was doing this. I mean, sorry to any transvestites out there but men in dresses?? Jesus, do I resemble a man in a dress? Is that why he fancied me? I feel sick. Don't know if I can wait for tonight, I want to ring the fucker and find out exactly how far this has gone... but then what? This may sound clinical, but if I still had my job I wouldn't care so much, I could actually pack a bag and be out of here with DD by the time he comes home, but my family are 250 miles away and the only rellies down here are his. No friends live locally.

DD is seven. She is such a daddy's girl, I cannot beleive he'd do this to her. Or to me, for that matter. We might not be sleeping together but I thought we loved each other We are still affectionate and caring to each other, how could he??

StunnedandAngry Mon 17-Sep-12 10:18:28

sorry, loads of x-posts after Anyfucker smile Will read.

Offred Mon 17-Sep-12 10:21:43

Yes, this would be a dealbreaker for me. Not because of the tranny element but the withholding sex and the seeking extramarital sex online which I would assume had been going on a long time. I'm not sure I would even want to talk it over as I would feel wary of being fed a load of crap. I think I would just go straight to the solicitor's office for some legal advice and to get the separation/divorce ball rolling.

Whatever your circumstances with money and housing they can be sorted out and will not mean you should stay in the relationship. You can get career advice or retrain, most vitally you need confidence that you can succeed and I think you sound capable and strong and there is no reason why you shouldn't trust yourself to do it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 17-Sep-12 10:29:39

"We are still affectionate and caring to each other, how could he?? "

Selfishness? Dishonesty? Impulsiveness? Taking the cross-dressing out of the picture, what you've got is basic infidelity and there are as many reasons for that as there are stars in the sky. Highly unlikely to be any reflection on you, of course.

Don't do anything too hasty. It's clear from your reaction that you think the marriage is over and I would suggest that, if you can keep some kind of focus, it's to make sure that DD's life is not disrupted more than is necessary and that you are provided for financially. Confront your DH but also get yourself some information in the meantime about what you would like to happen next. For example, rather than you packing your bags, it sounds like he should. Give you time to think.

Mumsyblouse Mon 17-Sep-12 10:30:43

This is horrendous, you poor thing.

I probably would drive over to his work and storm in tbh (I have done this)

I wouldn't really care if he came up with an excuse, there can't be a plausible one for seeking sex or even erotic chats outside your marriage. The transvestive aspect is kind of irrelevant (not to his sexual interests but had it just been an interest and not seeking sex elsewhere, you might feel more understanding).

You poor thing, can you get some RL moral support? Is there one good friend you could turn to (the trouble is you often feel you don't want to tell about stuff like this)? I would probably confide in one person.

StunnedandAngry Mon 17-Sep-12 10:31:54

((((NamesKerry)))) I'm so sorry that you're going through something similar.

Thank you everyone for the advice. I don't know if I'm capable of being coherent in front of a solicitor at the moment, I look like a red-faced snot monster and can barely see for crying. I think if i had to speak to a RL legal person I would spend that free half hour just sobbing...

Not sure about financial stuff, we have a joint offset mortgage account which acts as the main current a/c, we also have our own accounts that we don't really use (salaries etc get transferred into the offset account straight away). He has shares and I, like a knob, have just paid £10k of my work-related savings scheme into the offset account, so have no money that isn't held jointly.

I have been dithering about whether to clam jobseekers' as I don't want a full time job, I think I'd better get on and fill those forms in - at least I don't have to speak to anyone to do that. Offred, you're very lovely, but strong and capable is the last thing I feel right now.

Jesus. When I woke up this morning my biggest problem was that he hadn't changed the kitchen lightbulb like I'd asked....

AnyFucker Mon 17-Sep-12 10:31:57

Many women can deal with a cross dressing partner, when involved and fully informed. There are websites devoted to it if you wanted to google some.

However, that is not what you are dealing with. This man has deceived you, and made you unhappy and rejected because of his own issues

You are purely incidental to his issues obviously and he doesn't appear to care how bad he has been making you feel over the years

I wouldn't accept any excuses. He has put himself first in the most horrendously selfish way and whether it was looking for sex with trannies, or a secret fetish for something else, he has marginalised you

I wouldn't forgive him for that

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 17-Sep-12 10:36:18

"I don't know if I'm capable of being coherent in front of a solicitor at the moment"

You're still in shock. This is when you need RL support and why you need a bit of time to think and calm down rather than do anything too hastily. Do you have someone you can confide in? On the legal/practical/financial side of things the DivorceAid site could be a good starting point for you. Doesn't matter how red your eyes are when reading text.

hhhhhhh Mon 17-Sep-12 10:39:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mama1980 Mon 17-Sep-12 10:39:59

I'm so sorry what a absolutely awful thing to do. I am just speechless. Have you anyone in rl you could talk to you? You must be in such shock.

happyAvocado Mon 17-Sep-12 10:50:53

There's no excuse for dishonesty in any relationship.
He was doing all of it because he knew he could get away with it. He betrayed your trust and I am sure he does never realised that you were going to find him out.

I think I would feel as bad as you - you are in control of the situation and need advice of a solicitor to make best decisions for yourself.

Maybe write all you know and keep it in an email account like google or yahoo with a new username? If you do that it will help you to put all financial details with dates in a chronological order.

Offred Mon 17-Sep-12 10:52:18

You won't feel strong and capable right now but your reaction is an emotionally healthy one which means your temporary feelings of being in bits are actually signs of strength.

You do not need to do anything until you are ready, not even speaking to him. I would suggest waiting to do all the sorting out including talking at to him, until you are over the initial shock a little bit anyway if you can.

SlightlyJaded Mon 17-Sep-12 11:08:15

From a practical point of view, is there any chance you can arrange for your DD to be somewhere after school/this evening? I just think the last thing you need is having to 'be brave' in front of her when you feel
so awful. And it will give you the chance to have it out without distraction.

If you can, I would call your H and tell him you need him home early - ASAP. Don't give him a reason.

When he gets home, I would show him a packed bag (his) and the print outs and explain that he is starting his explanation from this point - no blustering, no lies.

Listen to what he has to say, send him away for as long as you need to think things through.

I think it's important to establish whether there has been any physical infidelity - not because what you have discovered isn't 'bad enough' but so that you are fully informed when you start to plan ahead.

I am so sorry OP - its shit. Sometimes when you feel so utterly bereft, having a firm plan is the best way of getting through things.

Good luck

Chelvis Mon 17-Sep-12 11:16:52

I don't know too much about offset accounts, but isn't it possible to withdraw your redundancy back from it? forget that it's held jointly, your marriage was joint and he's quite happy to screw that over. You need to get yourself in the best possible position BEFORE you make a decision - the money can always go back in if you decide to go the counselling route (although in your position, I'd want to hang onto a secret account of my own)

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 17-Sep-12 11:26:53

The convention is that, within the context of a 21 year marriage, all assets, cash and property are regarded as joint, regardless of who's name they happen to be in.

B1ueberry Mon 17-Sep-12 11:32:25

omg. That is the rug ripped out from under you and even on mumsnet you have to name change. Thank god for the internet that you can let it out somewhere.

As a pp says, he didn't discuss this with you. It's a betrayal, and there have been lies, and even if you could forgive that.... the cross-dressing thing would just kill any attraction I once had.

mcmooncup Mon 17-Sep-12 12:15:28

He has betrayed you badly - not just the probable tip of the iceberg tranny site betrayal, but the total lack of honesty regarding his sexuality betrayal and making you feel bad for that.

I'd start dreaming of the fuck buddy and get your CV out to as many places as possible because your current financial dependency may cloud your view and minimise your feelings on this, limiting your choices. If you were financially independent, would you be packing his bags right now? If the answer is yes, then it is serious job hunting time.

FWIW - it is of absolutely NO consequence that you have been at the same organisation for a long time. Many/most employers will see that as a positive.

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