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Finally seen the light! - just need to say strong!

(26 Posts)
essejay Sun 16-Sep-12 21:29:34

Hi all, I am new to mums net but have read various threads in respect to my current situation and have already drawn some strength from them so hoping you can all keep me strong!

Some back ground history: I have been with DH for 15 years, married 10 and have one DS.

Five years ago DH became very withdrawn and told me he did'nt want to be married anymore he had met OW who made his heart skip! DS was only two at the time and I was a great believer of 'no syptom without cause' so after a few weeks of angst we both agreed to work on our marriage. Forward nine months -find texts on his phone to a work colleague - round 2!

AnyFucker Sun 16-Sep-12 21:31:27

End your marriage

This isn't a boxing match

I am really sorry, but he will continue doing it

If he didn't understand the first time how lucky he was to still be with you, he is utterly taking the piss and you would be a doormat to stay with him

DippyDoohdah Sun 16-Sep-12 21:33:16

Is there more op, your post just stopped.needless to say he has totally screwed up now..but obviously you had still wanted to invest in it.hug

essejay Sun 16-Sep-12 21:43:16

OK - not sure what happened - message posted before I finished!

Continuing - since then there have been several incidents where I have seen either inappropiate texts messages/emails,

Final straw came three weeks ago when I received a message via facebook telling me they had been for a drink with my DH who they had meet on an dating site. Lucky for me the OW had sussed he was still married and due to a slip up on his side found me on facebook. He had told her he had been separated for a least a year!

I have told DH to move out and feel now separation is he only way forward. Have told my parents and a few friends who all feel I am doing the right thing, and I know deep down it needs to do done. So why do I feel so shit? He makes me feel as I'm the one who has finally decided we can't go on like this and its me who's destroying our relationship - apprantley I've made him look like a right arsehole! I should be grateful he has given me everything - like its an excuse for his behaviour!

DippyDoohdah Sun 16-Sep-12 21:53:22

He can't bear to be seen as the one who messed up and behaved badly so is deflecting it onto you. He will never be any different do although you may miss the man you married and feel sad at the split, try to feel positive that you will not spend the rest of your life having your self esteem eroded by his affairs..

NorksAreMessy Sun 16-Sep-12 22:02:30

Your DH, for example, is an arse.

Well done and stay strong. You have the st of your life to enjoy and 15 years is a relatively small slice.
The only thing to be grateful for is how easy he has made the separation.

essejay Sun 16-Sep-12 22:06:28

Thanx Dippy, that is so how I feel. I think I have given him enough chances over the years - and although I have always threatened separation/divorce, I don't think he thought I would ever go through with it. I have fought so hard to keep my marriage going but there is only so much a woman can/should take - if at all. Apart from the first instance, others instances have always been instinct and gut feeling where I have been cautious of ending things on a whim. I'm a very 'need to balance' person. This time I have had the confirmation handed to me on a plate. I've read few threads on here about the 'script'? think he is doing the poor me/anger thing?

aleene Sun 16-Sep-12 22:06:39

OMG don't feel shit! he is the one who has betrayed you. Let him feel the guilt and shame of letting you down, don't let him put it on you. The end of a marriage may bring feelings of sadness, - that it was not forever and that it is over. But stay strong and you should feel positive about the future without someone who lies to you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 16-Sep-12 22:08:31

"So why do I feel so shit?"

Because it's always shit when a relationship ends and rarely a cause for celebration. Your life has taken a 90 degree turn. It's stressful. If he had an ounce of gumption he'd have called time but instead he kept lying and forced you into being the one making the decision. Then he's adding insult to injury by - as my lovely friend would say - 'pissing on you and telling you it's raining'. Grateful??? hmm

You haven't made him look like an arsehole. He appears to have done a very good job of that himself. I'm sure he feels annoyed and embarrassed that his nasty secret has been made public but that just says what a deluded idiot he is for not thinking through the risks.

Hope you're OK. Good luck

AnyFucker Sun 16-Sep-12 22:09:01

He looks like an arsehole because that is precisely what he is

Make sure you spread the word, love

He has chosen to trash your marriage, repeatedly

Accept no blame, you are not the one who should be feeling bad about this

essejay Sun 16-Sep-12 22:15:00

I like that Cogito 'not thinking through the risks' - didn't think he'd get caught! This time he did - big time -technology has its uses!

BethFairbright Sun 16-Sep-12 22:15:33

Instead of you thinking that there was 'no symptom without cause' I wish 5 years ago someone wise had told you that the cause of what happened to you was inside your husband and that there was nothing you could have done about it, either before or since.

So now you've done the brave bit and made your decision - and it was the smartest move going public with that decision - keep your resolve strong and point blank refuse to take any blame for his behaviour.

tallwivglasses Sun 16-Sep-12 22:24:20

Another one here agreeing you made the right decision. That shit feeling will pass. You are laying the foundations of your new life - one day you may share that life with a lovely, faithful man who values you. Well done.

ParanoidPrue Sun 16-Sep-12 22:25:46

Essejay - I'm kind of on the same journey you are aside from the admissions and confessing that is. Apart from one instance nearly 8 years ago now when I found evidence of an EA, I've had nothing but inappropriate texts and feelings to base my suspicions on. This week, I found condoms in the car and finally made my decision to walk away. H is still hoping that I'll "wake up and see sense". He doesn't know I've told my parents that I'm leaving and they're helping me.

I agree with Beth and AF (and all the other posters!) here that publicity is your friend. The more people you tell, the more real it will make it. I'm playing the waiting game whilst I get my plans in place but once that's done, all my friends will know (different mates only know bits and pieces right now apart from one who's supporting me emotionally) and that will be the kick in the arse I need to make my plans a reality. Good luck with this - ignore your H's protestations and remind him and yourself that this is his doing, not yours. Good luck and well done on finding the courage to finally make that difficult decision x

essejay Sun 16-Sep-12 22:28:55

If I could rewind years ago, knowing what I know now, I agree, i wish I was stronger to see it through and end it. I was so afraid of being a single parent, being the first person ever in the family to divorce and I still loved my DH to want to try. Now - neither of the first two issues worry me and love, well he has made a good job of eroding that. I agree going public is the scary part - making a decision on your head is one thing - telling people and acting on it is the hard part. I told DH on thurs I would tell my parents whats happening -he then realised I was serious - espeically as my dad is very ill at the moment and its an extra stress they could do without! I love mum though - think DH will have a black eye when she next sees him!

ParanoidPrue Sun 16-Sep-12 22:36:48

Don't feel bad you didn't end it years ago - you were strong. It's just that you're weren't strong for you but you were strong for the us that was your marriage. Sounds like you worked your arse off to make it work and you can't berate yourself for that. At least you know you tried your hardest to make it work despite everything your H was doing. Now you're doing what's best for you and DS as a unit - sod your H!

AnyFucker Sun 16-Sep-12 22:46:34

no self-blame, love

self-blame will only serve to keep you under his spell

telling people will break the spell, and get you the support you deserve

essejay Sun 16-Sep-12 22:49:12

Agree Paranoid, once you start telling people its a whole new ball game. I have found some strength in it though. DH is very good at telling me I'm paranoid / overreacting - you begin to doubt yourself! Telling friends -and a few are mutual, who have know DH longer than me - has been made be realise I am totally justified in how I feel, and I am doing the right thing. The hard bit will be when it finally happens and DH moves out and makes it so final, it will hurt but I know it can't be any worse than the punch I feel every time I think 'he's at it again' sad Good luck to you to, agree such a difficult decision but as most advise us on here, we need to value ourselves!

ParanoidPrue Sun 16-Sep-12 22:56:46

Yep - that punch in the guts feeling when you find something and your stomach drops down to your toes and you feel like you can't breathe - I recognise that. I also recognise the accusations of paranoia <ticks checklist> and the deflection of guilt <tick, tick>

It will hurt you're right - God, it hurts like buggery now. I only have to look at him and the kids together to doubt myself and my intentions. Who leaves their husband over condoms FGS. But I simply can't do it anymore. I don't have the strength for us - only for me and the DCs. That loyalty I feel for him is totally false because he feels none for me. Onwards and upwards girl smile

BethFairbright Sun 16-Sep-12 23:05:02

What you have to tell yourself Prue is you're not leaving your husband over condoms. You're leaving him because you cannot trust him, you value your sexual health and you don't want your children growing up thinking that Dad's a serial shagger and Mum's an unhappy doormat who puts up with it. The same applies to the first poster. If you've forgiven once and it happens again, you should never give someone a chance to do it again, because then all you're signing up to is contempt, not love.

essejay Sun 16-Sep-12 23:13:35

Hit the nail on the head - can't do it anymore! And why is it they suddenly make an extra effort with the DCs, Sure its a way of trying to pull at the heart strings! I think your right to be suspicous of the condoms - I've spent so many years of reasoning this and that but sometimes the facts are just glaring us in the face - we just don't want to face them! I have so many times thought its just friendship overstepped the mark or just flirty texts/emails, now I think he probably splept with every single one of them! As you sat onwards and upwards smile

essejay Sun 16-Sep-12 23:14:54

say !

ParanoidPrue Thu 20-Sep-12 21:37:38

Hi essejay - just bumping your thread to see how you're doing? Hope you're ok x

essejay Wed 26-Sep-12 21:54:32

Hi Paranoid, Thank you for asking. Things have moved pretty quickly since my original post. DH has found a room to rent and will be moving out at the weekend. The last 10 days has been a rollercoaster of emotion but I know that its the right thing to do and I can even begin to see 'life on the otherside'. We told our DS tonight that his Dad would be leaving - he seems to have taken the news as well as can be expected and it wasn't as bad as I had anticipated. How are things with you? x

ParanoidPrue Fri 12-Oct-12 22:15:17

Hi Essejay! I didn't see your reply straight away - I've been running around like a mad thing with all the prep for my own departure in just under a week. Glad to hear things have moved quickly - I think it's better that way, it gives you less time to mull over things and change your mind. The last month has been hideous for me - the old rollercoaster has had some real highs and lows but the end is finally in sight....

How have things been with you now that he's gone? Hopefully things have settled down with your DS - it's great that he's taking it in his stride, you must be so proud of him. Hope life "on the other side" is treating you well and that your H arseholery is no longer too much of a factor in your life x

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