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the more you love them, the less respect they have for you?

(91 Posts)
IKnowItsMyFaultBut Sun 16-Sep-12 12:16:01

Has anybody else found this? The more I love a man, the worse he seems to treat me.

SavoyCabbage Sun 16-Sep-12 12:21:00

It's not you it's him. As they say.

They aren't all like that so don't give up. Some men are bastards but most of them aren't.

IKnowItsMyFaultBut Sun 16-Sep-12 12:22:56

Sadly, I'm niot just talking about one man so much as the three I've been involved with.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 16-Sep-12 12:24:33

I think what you're describing is the type of arsehole who thinks you'll tolerate anything because your love is unconditional and then takes advantage. That's when they stop trying, start taking you for granted and, at its worst, escalates into mistreatment. Happens a lot in the teen days when love is blind and forgiving....

The trick is (aside from not selecting arseholes) not to give a man the impression that your love is unconditional. Don't give the inch and they won't take the mile. Don't let minor crap go or it'll escalate into major crap. Be more 'high maintenance' and demanding. Treat 'em mean and they can't take the piss.

Good luck

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sun 16-Sep-12 12:25:19

I think that kind of depends on how you define "love". If your version includes being a clingy doormat, there's your problem.

SmellsLikeTeenStrop Sun 16-Sep-12 12:26:10

I've found that letting somebody get away with treating you disrespectfully means that they continue to do so and it usually gets worse.

VodkaJelly Sun 16-Sep-12 12:27:51

I heard a saying once -

The one who loves the most has the least control
The one who loves the least has the most control.

IKnowItsMyFaultBut Sun 16-Sep-12 12:28:37

The idea of having to treat em mean etc, is just depressing. Who wants to play that game all your life? I'm sure it works though, sadly.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sun 16-Sep-12 12:30:11

You don't need to play any games, just don't take crap.

IKnowItsMyFaultBut Sun 16-Sep-12 12:32:31

Vodka, I like that saying. It makes so much sense.

To me, love is making another person the centre of your universe.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sun 16-Sep-12 12:37:19

And that's where you're going wrong.

No-one should be the centre of your universe, I imagine that would become tiresome, and fast.

VodkaJelly Sun 16-Sep-12 12:38:30

IknowIsMyFaultBut it is really depressing isnt it? You give your love and soul to another person and they piss you around.

I worshipped my DP when we first got together and he messed me around for years till I got pissed off with it and stood up to him and took none of his shit. I would say our relationship is 50/50 now as he knows that any more of his shit and he is dumped.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 16-Sep-12 12:43:40

Would suggest you read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

Love your own self for a change and stop making the man the centre of your universe. Think you also need to reassess what type of man you are falling for and why you keep picking wrong 'uns.

IKnowItsMyFaultBut Sun 16-Sep-12 12:43:54

Men don't want to be worshipped. I loved my ex so much it hurt. Then he started to refuse to sleep with me and shagged prostitutes instead. The chap before that, two timed me for a year and then ran off with a 17 year old (he was 30).

I give up.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 16-Sep-12 13:18:57

"Who wants to play that game all your life? I'm sure it works though, sadly."

Standing up for yourself is not a game. Insisting on respect is not a game. Having high standards for yourself and others is not a game. Leaving your self-respect behind and putting up with all manner of crap because you think that's how people behave when they're in love.... that's the bloody game girls are encouraged to learn from romantic novels, movies and magazine articles advising 'how to put up with his faults'.

noddyholder Sun 16-Sep-12 13:21:15

Love is making you the centre of your universe and everything else follows. Dp and I don't compete in the love stakes what a strange idea! If you are playing games and keeping score its over

Dryjuice25 Sun 16-Sep-12 13:22:23

It depends on personal emotional boundaries and if they feel smothered by your love, they might want a space to breathe iyswim. Don't let this love became an obsession/ addiction. It's unhealthy for both of you esp where there is poor communication or you don't always get each other IME.

Also if you love them more than you love yourself, its more likely they will push you to agree to do things that will be disastrously for the relationships ie, they loose respect for you.....and boost only their ego at the expense of yours and sadly the aftermath might not be pretty.

Never love them more than you love "YOU".

suburbophobe Sun 16-Sep-12 13:27:57

^The one who loves the most has the least control
The one who loves the least has the most control.^

In my book that's got nothing to do with love, but manipulation and control.

Maybe those are the games people play when they would prefer any relationship than to be on their own.

MadBusLady Sun 16-Sep-12 13:29:16

Nope. You're going for twunts, is the problem.

IKnowItsMyFaultBut Sun 16-Sep-12 13:31:00

People are mad. If you give them what they claim to want (you) they resent you for it...

This going to sound harsh. However, I do wonder at some less conventionally attractive women who have truly devoted partners. How do they do it? It's almost as if men feel safer with them.

Dryjuice25 Sun 16-Sep-12 13:35:17

Power corrupts and this applies to love .......dont give him too much of it emotionally, financially , sexually etc

noddyholder Sun 16-Sep-12 13:35:21

awful thing to say

stargirl1701 Sun 16-Sep-12 13:35:45

You should always love yourself more. Always.

AnnieLobeseder Sun 16-Sep-12 13:38:56

Eh? What in earth has attractiveness got to do with it? Do you not fall in love with the person inside?

OP, I think you need to develop some respect for your self as a person instead of a girlfriend, and stop trying to please your partners. A real relationship is about mutal respect, understanding and a careful balance of making yourself and each other happy. It's not about making the other person happy all the time.

You should feel safe with your partner, as you say, but it's about feeling safe equally with each other. As soon as either partner feels more of anything than the other, it's pretty much over.

Dryjuice25 Sun 16-Sep-12 13:41:45

It's not about physical attraction all the time but rather deeper and less superficial than that.....and that's why those relationships work

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