Someone help me to stop these feelings (sorry, long)

[sillyonedaygirl]

I'm a regular but I've name-changed for this.
So, it's completely daft and I need some MN sense kicked into me.

When I was 18 I was in love with a boy I had grown up with. Our families were close. We fooled around a bit for years, but never had an actual relationship. We parted when we were 21, on the understanding that we would go and pursue our careers/have fun and maybe one day we would be ready to be together. I should say that I was crazy about him and I knew deep down that he didn't really feel that about me, which is why I think I let him go, hoping that he would realise one day.

So, then I met DP and while I was falling for him childhood sweetheart got his casual girlfriend pregnant. They made a go of it. This was incredibly painful for me, because I knew that we would never have the life together that we had hoped. However, DP was/is a very good man, who I love deeply and our relationship was so good and strong that I got over it and happily sent lovely gifts to the new baby.

12 years since his son was born and I have 2 lovely children and a stable relationship. He has separated from the mother of his child and has also been through 2 other very significant problems. He is also a successful (but not rich) musician. All this time we have stayed close friends and we would describe it as a brother/sister thing. He confides in me about EVERYTHING. I have to say that I don't tell him everything in return, as I know how inappropriate it would be to discuss my sex life, for example, with him (and anyway, I have girlfriends for that!) I am aware that he relies on me emotionally sometimes and I didn't let him do this when he was in a relationship. He knows DP well, and we all socialise together. He stayed with us often when we lived in London and my kids love him.

Recently my family has moved back to my home-town (where this man still lives) and this has led to an increase in the time we spend together. He has pushed for this more than me, he calls almost every week and we have seen each other about once a fortnight - outings with the kids, dinner at our house etc. I think this is why....

Some of the old feelings are returning. I find myself thinking about him a lot and even fantasising about being with him. I read on here about emotional affairs and I even had a conversation with DP about EA. DP was adamant that cheating is physical and that I was doing nothing wrong by maintaining this friendship (obviously he has no idea of my feelings) He has female friends too, though none as intense as this. I decided to distance myself anyway, to be safe. I have turned down outings, not returned phone calls and made a conscious effort to work on my relationship with DP.

He called me last week and I gave him some advice about a relationship he is beginning. Yesterday he sent me a text to say that he'd had an amazing night with her and it's clear that they have slept together.

I want him to be in a relationship,I want him to be happy. I love DP. I don't want to cheat and break my family apart. I want to stop feeling like this. Help me.

[Offred]

Only way is to cut all contact, I don't think you have ever really had real separation from this man and there comes a point where you need to stop thinking of him as your boyfriend! He's not ever really been your friend.

[LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay]

Sorry to be brutal. This is all in your head. He doesn't feel the same about you. He's had an amazing night with another woman.
This isn't mills and boon, where the scales suddenly fall from his eyes. You're pissing your RL away.
I'm sorry for you, it sounds distressing but I recommend you cut contact. Nothing else will work.

[SavoyCabbage]

It's not real. The life that you have with your dp who you love and who loves you is real. The one where you are asking each other for correct change for the school trip or talking about if you should wash the car.

[sillyonedaygirl]

Thank you. You have said what I needed to hear. Now, how do I cut contact totally without explaining why? Am not lowering myself to that.
Funnily enough, I felt so much better and healthier writing it down. Think stress and anxiety in RL has allowed me to escape into a fantasy world a bit. And while I don't really want to sleep with him, I am egotistical enough to miss my position as his special friend and confidant.
Thank you.

[Offred]

Can you not just text him to explain why you are cutting contact - that your relationship has become inappropriate and you want it to end and then delete all his details?

[LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay]

Is he a bit of a me me me Dick, who will love the ego boost if you tell him the real reason? If he then starts flirting - because you've told him you like him, you're back to square one....

Can you make a oh FGS comment when he raves about his excellent sex? Just enough to piss him off and make them hold off next time. Blow him out last minute, esp. if the new gf is in tow...let her potential vitriol help you... Don't be so reliable or interested.

But do realise... He won't like you as much at the end of the NECESSARY process. Just FGS stick to your guns...

[mellen]

Do you need to cut contact? The dynamic will probably change now that he has a girlfriend - maybe its worth giving it a bit of time and seeing if you still feel the same way in a couple of months. He probably wont be around your house as much if he has a girlfriend.

[Offred]

I think you do need to cut contact because the way you describe it is like you are keeping him as a back up boyfriend with moments of feeling as though he could have been the great love of your life. This means he is not your friend and you don't have a friendship all you have is a marriage damaging almost boyfriend!

[cupcake78]

I have had a very similar situation and have cut contact. It really is the only way of saving my marriage. I simply told him for about 6mths that I was busy. I never contacted him and avoided all social situations he was at. Eventually they get the message.

[sillyonedaygirl]

Sorry ladies, have been at a friends for late Sunday lunch.
Lost, I like your ideas and often a bit of straight talking and eye rolling will work with him.
Offred, I often read your posts and think that you speak a lot of sense. I think lack of contact will help. Until I moved back, I didn't feel like this, it's as if I have reverted to my teenage feelings because I'm in my teenage town. The whole place is filled with - that's where we first kissed, that's the corner we used to smoke spliffs, that's where we swore this oath, all that shit. And, of course, life was easier then, no responsibilities, no stress and although I would hate to be 18 again, I do sometimes miss that.
Cutting contact will be tricky because of the way our families are connected. I think I should do it, and actually my second reaction to this new woman is relief because he has someone else to rely on. Frankly, after what he has been through over the last couple of years it would have been sheer cruelty to cut him off because he needed someone. I stress that he talked to my DP about these issues (which were huge and not created by him) and does see himself as a family friend, not an alternate boyfriend.
I don't really want to defend him, because he has been thoughtless at the very least, and he certainly gets more out of the friendship than I do. (although I do get a lot of free tickets to gigs) but I think he would be upset rather than flattered to know that I was feeling this way. He tries hard to be a good man and I think he clings to our friendship because it represents safety and security that he has never had in his own life. He has only done a couple of things that are truly inappropriate. About 6 years ago, when his relationship was breaking down he told me he loved me when he was drunk. I laughed it off and we never referred to it again. The other thing is that he kisses me on the lips when we meet. This dates from how we used to behave when we were much younger and I have been trying to break this habit without actually telling him to stop.
I need to be stronger and I am very grateful for your help in this! This has turned into a sort of on-line diary and I'm sorry if it's got boring, but it has been very cathartic and has strengthened my resolve. I will probably name-change back now.