A good friend has got a new gf, is how I'm feeling unkind and wrong?

[UncomfortableWithMyFeelings]

I think it is, but I can't help myself!

I have a very good male friend, who when I met him had just broken up with a serious girlfriend. We met through a hobby, so I saw him there every week as part of a group. We became good friends and spoke to each other a lot, sometimes met up outside of the hobby etc. but we've never wanted to go out. I like him very much, but it's more as if we're relatives than a potential dates.

He's recently started going out with somebody else and I really hate how I feel about it. I vaguely know her (same hobby, but I very rarely speak to her, she's friends with a different group of people) and she's lovely, and seeing how cut up he was about the last gf I'm really pleased they're going out but I really miss him.

We hardly talk now, because he's always with her (fair enough, she is his gf) when in the past he'd have probably been with me and obviously it would be a bit weird going out just him and me now she's his gf. If I do talk to him now he loses concentration as soon as she comes over or he watches her all the time which is lovely but I feel a bit shut away from him.

I sort of feel like he doesn't need me now he has her because she can do everything I did plus going out with him. But I can't stop myself wishing we could be more friendly again.

I have very few male friends (all girls school, was horribly shy around boys/men for a long time) so I've never actually had to deal with this before! All the others had girlfriends already when I met them or are still single.

Is it possible to stay as good a friend with the opposite sex when they have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Or is it just because it's all still very new for them so they're completely absorbed in each other?

I can't even express how I'm feeling properly, so I'm sorry for the rambling! It's like I'm jealous, but I don't want it to be me going out with him, and obviously I'm glad he has a gf. I'm sort of jealous of how close we used to be, and how we aren't any more

Do I just need to get over it and realise it'll probably never be quite the sane again?

[UncomfortableWithMyFeelings]

Quite the same, obviously...although my sanity might be in question

[Helltotheno]

Yes it is possible that you can stay friends but you probably won't hang out with each other as much as before, if at all. My own experience of this is that men tend to drop friendships lke this easier when a woman comes on the scene... it's as if the female friend fulfils the 'company' requirement, but when a GF comes along, she fulfils the 'company' and the 'sex' requirement, so the female friend gets dropped.

I'd say the best thing for you to do is look for a BF to be honest, or at least, don't be so willing to spend lots and lots of your time with men in friendship only relationships because a) you're making yourself less available for relationships offering more, and b) this is always the risk, that someone else comes along and you then have to fill that gap in your life.

[SalomesDance]

Perhaps she's jealous of him talking to other women and that's why he doesn't spend time with you now. Perhaps she isn't jealous but he is assuming that she is OR perhaps he's like someone I used to know - he's terribly jealous and by giving up his female friend (you) he's hoping she'll return the compliment and give up any male friends she may have. There are many possibilities, as you can imagine. It's very likely that he's fallen head over heels in love with her and wants to be at her side as much as possible right now, which is only natural really. Are you sure there isn't anybody else in the group you could spend time with? Have a look around again - you may have missed someone really nice while you were absorbed with your friend.

[Tamisara]

At the moment your friend is of course wrapped up with his new GF. That would be true, even if 'he' was a 'she'. You do lose yourself in the grips of NRE (new relationship energy). He is in a fog, and it will end. The 'falling in love' stage is very potent and intense, but it isn't sustainable. So he will come down from could 9 eventually.

That doesn't mean, that when things settle, that things will go back to how they were. If the relationship lasts, then he will be paired up.

A lot will also depend on his new GF. She may pick up on your closeness, and may feel threatened, so you may end up spending less time with him than before.

Are you single?

I think that Hell has excellent advice, it is best to not depend so much on him, or any male friendship, especially a single man, so much.

[UncomfortableWithMyFeelings]

Thank you, there are other people there I'm friendly with, so I'll definitely spend more time with them

I feel almost as if I've been dumped! Irrational I know, but I used to always get a hug and a kiss on the cheek, now I'm lucky if I get a wave and a smile. Obviously natural, as you say, but takes a bit of getting used to!

But I'm glad in a weird way that you've said this does often happen, I actually feel better knowing it's not just me! And presumably I'm not the first to feel a bit hurt by it.

So, make better friends with others, and try and find a boyfriend

[UncomfortableWithMyFeelings]

Sorry, missed yours Tamisara, yes I'm single.

Lots of new people seem to start around this time of year too, so I might be lucky and some of those are really nice.

(Just to make it more complicated, the hobby is a type of partnered dancing. It took me so long to work out who were 'couple' couples, and who were just 'dance' couples. Or 'couple's who had different dance partners .)