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My mother hates my husband (long)

(956 Posts)
badtoworse Sat 15-Sep-12 19:46:56

I don't live in the UK. DH is from the country we live in. Mum came to live here (divorced and then later my father died) some years ago in a house a short drive away. Soon decided it was a big mistake and that she hated it, then to complicate matters then injured her back and became really unable to manage living alone. We sold my house and we moved in with her. All coinciding with me starting a new business venture and DH becoing unemployed. DH has bascially been unemployed (except for a couple of short contracts) since then. When we all moved in together DS was 20 months (now 4.5) and we've since had another child who's 1.5.

Before we all moved in together I was about to go back after mat leave and all set up (at her suggestion) for mum to have DS while I worked and DH at work. DH lost his job three days before I went back but mum said she still wanted to come up in the afternoons cos she wanted to see DS. She (much later) claimed DH had sat on the coputer and let her do it all. He said (we had a big row about it then) he only sat on the computer while DS napped.

My business has been slowly dying a death so I'm going to be WOH from Monday (previously ran busness from home). Yesterday I had meetings all day. DH supposed to be looking after DCs for the afternoon while I'm out.
I told him not to let my mum do too much, to imagine she was not there as it's too much for her. When I came home I asked mum (who I saw first on coming in) how things had been and she pulled a face and said tell you later.
Asked DH if he'd let DS just spend the whole afternoon with my mum and he said, only a bit while DD asleep..she slept for almost 2 hours. Then I ask mum and she says that he'd sat on the laptop and told DS he couldn't play as he'd wake the baby up and she'd felt bad so spent 2 hrs entertaining DS while DH sat on laptop.

I was really pissed off as I'd asked him specifically not to do this and we had a row.

He says she's exaggerating and that he can't believe I'm questioning his parenting abilities/calling him a neglectful parent and talking about him behind his back. He says DS wasn't with her the entire time, he was in and out and he didn't tell him he couldn't play, just that he had to be quiet as the baby was asleep.

She says he's a lazy git and it's the same old shit as all those years ago, she's had enough and would go back to the UK if she had the money. They've been avoiding each other all day and I feel totally caught in the middle.

I'm so angry that he did exactly what I asked him not to but I can't stand this atmosphere, it's like I'm being asked to choose, my husband or my mother.

charlottehere Sat 15-Sep-12 21:28:37

Well somethings got to give bad. You and your family need to find away to live away from your DM cos it aint working. She reminds me of my evil mil.

badtoworse Sat 15-Sep-12 21:31:26

It's bad atm and has been like this twice before and then things settle. It's not working. She's really made me wonder sometimes if I'm lazy or blind or maybe dh is a tosser and I'm too close to see it, I'm so relieved you all think she's being a melodramatic interfering bag. I ask my brother and he just sort of sits on th fence, although he agrees she's a martyr about things.

charlottehere Sat 15-Sep-12 21:32:06

A plan is needed.

badtoworse Sat 15-Sep-12 21:34:05

If dh could get work at least we wouldn't have this current flashpoint as we'd get someone in to look after dcs (as she admits she can't do it). But there's so little chance the way this country's economy is now. Although, I expect then it'd be something else.

charlottehere Sat 15-Sep-12 21:35:50


Move out

move back to uk

ask dm to move out

tell dm to stay out of it wont work

charlottehere Sat 15-Sep-12 21:36:25

Can dm move back to uk and you stay there?

badtoworse Sat 15-Sep-12 21:38:57

I don't think we could afford to live in the house, big heating bills etc and only me earning a shit wage. We manage now as she helps with bills. I earn about 1200 euros and rents are about half that. We could manage if dh worked, but there is no work.

charlottehere Sat 15-Sep-12 21:40:09

There must be a way op.xx

badtoworse Sat 15-Sep-12 21:41:48

Dm can't go back to the uk without selling here, leaving us buggered. If we all went to the uk, what would we do for work? At least here I have a job. She says here only option is to rent a "hovel" with her pension and leave the house here for us to live in, but I don't think I could afford to live in this house on my wage alone.
she may butt out, but I doubt it. Things'll settle in a bit and then blow up again in a few months.

badtoworse Sat 15-Sep-12 21:42:25

her only option

charlottehere Sat 15-Sep-12 21:42:55

Go back to uk, look for work, in the meantime we have benefit system.x

charlottehere Sat 15-Sep-12 21:43:15

you can't carry on like this

NellyJob Sat 15-Sep-12 21:43:44

sorry but your mum sounds like an interfering burning martyr and had to follow you to (wherever you are) because she didn't have a life of her own so wanted to hijack yours.
She is treating your DH like he is not responsible enough to look after his children and shit stirring. Your husband married you, not your mum.

charlottehere Sat 15-Sep-12 21:44:16

agree with nelly

NellyJob Sat 15-Sep-12 21:44:42

tell her to go and rent a 'hovel' then - can you smell the burning while she is talking?

badtoworse Sat 15-Sep-12 21:46:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RecklessRat Sat 15-Sep-12 21:47:56

Could your DH train to do TEFL too?

squeakytoy Sat 15-Sep-12 21:48:52

It depends on what work you both do, and which languages you speak too. There is work in the UK, plenty of people do find it, but you have to be prepared to perhaps do things that are not what you want to do until that job comes along.

NellyJob Sat 15-Sep-12 21:50:05

why does she hate it, it is the lack of old friends, the language, the climate?
Is she going through that phase that new emigrants go through when they hate where they are? I mean, that could pass....
don't feel guilty for leaving the UK, plenty of older parents have to deal with their children leaving.
If she does want to return to the UK, is there anyone there that could offer some kind of 'stepping stone'?

badtoworse Sat 15-Sep-12 21:50:33

But I feel guilty that I accepted the help (admittedly to buy a house that I then had to sell at a loss to move in with her) and that I now effectively live off her money in that I don't earn enough to keep us all. This is what I mean about her saying dh is ungrateful, cos we live in her nice big house and we can just about manage to run the 2 (old) cars. But what are we supposed to do, go round bowing scraping and thanking her all the time?

pictish Sat 15-Sep-12 21:54:27

I agree with the others. the living arrangements are not working.
I see echos of my own mother in this, and she never lived with us, but did help with childcare.
I loved her very much but no way would I ever have lived with her.
She had me doubting my own judgement at every turn, particularly when it came to our son.
I understand that feeling of being perpetually 15.

Something's got to give, and one way or another it has to be the set up at home.

squeakytoy Sat 15-Sep-12 21:54:28

Is he being picky about jobs? Is there really nothing at all he could do to bring in some money?

NellyJob Sat 15-Sep-12 21:54:54

you are under so much stress with that situation and supporting the family....and your mother is adding to it.

badtoworse Sat 15-Sep-12 21:55:23

she hates the climate, the fact that she can't speak the language, the bureaucracy, she thinks the people are rude, noisy, unfriendly, it's a bit backward compared to the uk in many ways. She's been here 6 years. She hates the fact that she's so physically disabled (arthritis in hips, shoulders, chronic back problems, long standing neck issues).
No stepping stones, no.
Dh looked into tefl but to do it here, needed a degree, which he doesn't have. So many jobs are official civil servant type jobs and impossible to get into without corrupt family getting you in and the rest, well he has school leavers qualifications and v general xperience, poter, delivery, removals. The economy is shrinking and shrinking every month.

badtoworse Sat 15-Sep-12 21:57:32

He's not picky, he'd far far rather work than stay at home, it kills him that he's out of work, feels a failure. But there's nothing. When he has work he works hard, even she admits that.

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