How to deal with my sulking partner

[JoRich77]

Hi, feeling a bit desperate today. Yesterday I confronted my partner as I was worried he had invested in shares which were down a lot of money. He blew up and couldnt understand why I was worrying, it would all make good, he would still have money to pay the bills etc. Then he refused to talk anymore and went into a major sulk. He has hardly spoken to me since yesterday morning, only when we went out for pre- arranged dinner with friends when he was no different to normal.

I had first scan yesterday (7 weeks) and he then refused to come with me. I begged him to come and he eventually came but didnt say a thing the whole time. Its like he is punishing me..

I have read that when a partner gives you the silent treatment you should ignore them rather than pander to them but this is really difficult and upsetting.

This is probably about the second time this has happened but he came out of his sulk pretty quickly last time. The good thing is that we have already had one counselling session for other issues and more planned.

But how do I deal with his behaviour in the mean time? I actually really feel like shouting at him to shake him out of his stupid mood.

[ClippedPhoenix]

So your partner put a lot of money down on shares without consulting you first?

Your partner uses the silent treatment as punishment?

He had to be cajouled into coming to your first scan?

He pretends all is well in company?

Oh dear OP.

Do you think things will get better after baby?

One baby will be competing with the other then

[queenofthepirates]

Please do try and ignore this kind of behaviour otherwise it will only reinforce it. It's not okay for him to behave like this, especially when you're pregnant. I'd recommend treating him as you would normally and if he refuses to speak to you you'll just have to treat him like a naughty child, something akin to:

'what would you like for dinner? Well that's clear it's nothing. Come back to me when you're ready to speak to me.' It puts the onus very much on him to communicate with you not the other way round.

Do try and nip this in the bud before you find yourself with two children to deal with rather than one, you'll be exhausted. If you're a bit daunted, I'd recommend a book on confidence building and assertiveness from the library.

[ThereGoesTheYear]

Oh dear, lots of red flags here. His sulking over his bad behaviour means he takes it out on your baby's first scan? I don't like the thought of how he'll be when the baby's here and he's no longer the centre of the universe.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What is happening is that Mr Sulky is trying to make you take the responsibility for their emotional immaturity. Unfortunately, if you do fret and worry on their account, they've won and they've learned that they can do it again with the same win for them. Instead, see this as an issue of their hurt self being unable to reconcile with itself and taking it out on you, trying to shed their emotional immaturity and leave you feeling bad. If you realize this isn't about the need to respond but the need to wait out their rudeness, it'll be much better for you.

By reacting as if they need mollycoddling, assuaging, and sucking up to, in order to smooth over the silences, hissy-fits, and tantrums, you permit it to happen around you and they end up controlling you. The more you put up with a sulker, the more it is you who walks on eggshells around them. Instead of running after them apologizing for existing and nervously tiptoeing about them, try the following:
Ignore the behavior and get on with your day as if the sulking isn't occurring. As said in the previous step, if you don't take it to heart, this will be much easier to do. Think "So what if they want to blame me. They have some serious internal soul-searching to be getting on with."
Expect the sulker to take responsibility for their emotions while you take responsibility for yours.
Expect the sulker to honour your presence. They are being truly rude by withdrawing, behaving cold, and trying to control you in this manner. It denotes an enormous lack of respect and that is no basis for a loving relationship.

When a sulker sees that their manipulative ways don't work on you, it's likely that they'll gradually put a stop to the behavior and realign their estimation of you. Either they'll deal with it, or they may leave you because they're not keen on being in a position where they cannot control. That's a risk you'll need to take. It's better to be respected and treated like a whole person than to be belittled into behaving like a doorma

If you've tried ignoring the sulks and demanding respect but it's still happening, take a deep breath and really consider if it's worth living with this adult-child in your life. Most likely it's not, and because you can't (and shouldn't try) to change another person, you'll find that if they are so stuck in the pattern of seeking to control you in this manner, then perhaps they won't stop, no matter how definite you are about refusing to accept the sulks. Stop letting their moods control your life; tell them it was interesting knowing them but you've got plenty else to be doing.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

My guess too is that he was all sweetness and light with no trace of sulkiness when you first got together; this has crept up on you over time. Abuse is like that, insidious in its onset.

Lots of red flags re him and you're in counselling already for other issues with more planned:(.

I have to ask - why are you together at all?

[deleted203]

My ex used to sulk..a lot. He would go days ignoring me and I never knew what I'd done. If you asked him what was wrong he would say, 'Nothing!' in a curt voice. Eventually I used to reply breezily, 'Oh good - I thought you were annoyed about something' and then just be relentless cheery and ignore the fact that he was moody. It drove him wild. He was sulking for attention and didn't get any.

[Numberlock]

My ex used to sulk

With the emphasis on the word "ex" there, no doubt sowornout?

OP - the advice given about dealing with sulkers I am sure makes sense but could you really be bothered? I certainly couldn't.

[OneMoreChap]

Silent treatment?

Ignore him.

Bit concerned about "he'd invested"... how do you manage your money/investments?

Wouldn't come for the scan? Tosser.

[Fairenuff]

There are things you could do easily to deal with his sulking. Ignoring it mostly. But the real problem is how he treats you.

He has hardly spoken to me since yesterday morning, only when we went out for pre- arranged dinner with friends when he was no different to normal

This shows that he knows his behaviour is inappropriate and that he should not be doing it. He doesn't do it in front of anyone else, or in fact to anyone else.

He doesn't want others to know that he treats you like this. He is fully aware of what he is doing and, in fact, is doing it on purpose to control your behaviour.

[KatieScarlett2833]

I tend to find a scathing "ARE you 5 years old?" effective.

However, I am a beatch.

[OneMoreChap]

KatieScarlett Fri 14-Sep-12 17:42:47
I tend to find a scathing "ARE you 5 years old?" effective.

I assume when you're arguing, if he says "Widdle pwincess hawing a tantwum..." that would be equally fine

[runamile]

My ex used to sulk (yes, ex too.) It used to really upset me and I would plead with him to tell me what was wrong. He would say, "well, there's the problem, you should know what's wrong." It was like mental torture. After 15 years (my God did I put up with it for that long?) I just used to keep my head down and avoid him. He could ignore me for days in the end. He would also act like the world's greatest guy in front of others. He was so false and two-faced. He treated the next door neighbour better than me. GET RID is my advice.

[Mintyy]

OneMoreChap - KatieScarlett was offering a suggestion in relation to the sulking not the arguing.

Its quite sweet the way you have to come on and defend the male pov no matter what .

[akaemmafrost]

Oh I think it's rather dull and I wish he'd just piss off rather than keep derailing threads with it .

[SorryMyLollipop]

My ex used to sulk too. Thank god he is an ex

[OneMoreChap]

Mintyy & akaemmafrost

Silent treatment?

Ignore him.

Bit concerned about "he'd invested"... how do you manage your money/investments?

Wouldn't come for the scan? Tosser.

And that's defending a male POV, how exactly/

[Beamur]

My DP was a sulker - I think him and his ex-wife had sulking competitions.
However, a combination of me not noticing he was sulking (usually accompanied by loud cupboard door banging) or noticing and either laughing at him, or saying I'd speak to him when he was going to be less immature has worked pretty well.
Your partner being irresponsible with money and punishing you by not coming to the scan would worry me far more.

[olgaga]

How do you deal with it? Ignore him for now, and concentrate on your well-being if you are determined to go ahead with this pregnancy.

More important that what's happening with this current tantrum (awful to have spoilt your scan like that) is whether you think he can change?

I'm afraid I'm not hopeful. Men like him tend to put off showing their true colours until they think they have you in an inescapable position.

How long do you think you'll be able to put up with it?

[olgaga]

Yes OK OneMoreChap this isn't about you ok? Yawn.

[lilachair]

My ex was a sulker. It really is terribly childish.

Please note 'ex'

[GeekLove]

I had an ex who was a sulker only he used depression as his get out of jail card. It was so draining and I still regret not dumping him 6 months before i did when he had a screaming meltdown in public over maths(!)
In the end I dumped him as he didn't have the guts to despite laying the ahem groundwork.

[OneMoreChap]

With some amusement I note, I made a response to the OP; I then made an oblique criticism of another posters approach and two knee-jerkers who had nothing to offer to the OP then criticised me. At least the 3rd one hastily added their own comment 1 minute and 5 seconds before weighing in on me.

Incidentally? Relationships? Parents - like me - are welcome to respond.

[olgaga]

OneMoreChap well done, one "I" and three "me's" in the space of just under three lines.

Yawn.