I'm terrified of getting hurt. How do I get over this??

[SnottyTooHotty]

I'll try and give a bit of back ground.

I was a very insecure child, moved around a lot, lots of family issues, sexual abuse, no friends, narcasistic mum, no confidence - never had any interest from boys until I was 16. As soon as I got that interest, I jumped on it, moved in with the guy and had my first child at 17. It didn't matter that we were not right for each other, I just didn't want to let him go.

Eventually we split. I was on my own for 2 years and then I got with another guy I didn't actually like that much. He was a laugh to be around but there was no real feelings there and I didn't find him attractive. However, that lasted 3 years and then I finished it.

I stayed on my own 3 years after that but after a fit of depression, got with another guy who I actually didn't like at all. I can't explain why but that lasted another 3 years - and I hated every minute of it.

So I finished that - decided enough was enough - I went to college, made lots of new friends, embarked on a whole new career, went to university, met more friends, became more confident, went abroad to America and really began to enjoy my life. With a whole new outlook and a circle of good friends around me - I decided I was truly ready to start dating.

Then I met my current boyfriend. For the first time ever I know what it's like to love someone. I love every part of him. I think about him all the time and he's lovely to me, treats me brilliantly and is so respectful and mindful of me. Everything was going great until -

I panicked. I realised how much I love this man and my head is telling me "you're a fucking fool, as if it's going to work out!! look at your previous attempts! you'll never get married - it's only a matter of time before this man dumps you and you know it!" - and now I'm thinking "shit, that's right". I'm so scared . I've tried to tell myself I don't like him, I've tried to convince myself that he has a million faults and that I don't care about him. But of course I can't deny how I feel and now it seems like I'm on a runaway train that's guaranteed to crash and I'm absolutely bloody terrified.

Whenever a wedding or anything comes on TV I feel physically sick because I know that will never be me and it will be so much worse when he finishes with me. He's actually shown no signs at all that he wants to finish things but I know it's coming - because relationships just do not work out for me. I know I probably need counselling but the waiting lists are so long and in the meantime I'm awaiting the breakdown of my newly found love of life

Can anyone see where I'm coming from or am I actually losing it??

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If you keep having the same experience, I think it's pretty natural to assume you'll always have the same experience. Natural but wrong, of course. :) As you say, you've changed a lot in the last few years and the type of person who is now drawn to you is presumably attracted by your confidence, intelligence and other qualities. They aren't predatory types looking for someone damaged to be their next quarry. You now command respect and brilliant treatment because that's the personality you project.

No-one knows what is around the next corner in a relationship. Only the truly stupid take what they've got for granted and have no worries about their partner. :) Many of us are reluctant to commit to someone with our love because it makes us vulnerable and open to being hurt. But that's the joy of being alive. A little risk offset by a great reward.

So take your fears and, rather than let them be a negative thing in your relationship, use them to keep you appreciative of the special person in your life and conscious of the way you are appreciated in return. Enjoy the now and be yourself. Take a risk.

[HissyByName]

Sounds like you're repeating the script your mother used on you...

Do some cbt on yourself, ask yourself why you think your bf wants to finish with you... you know he doesn't.

Let him lead the way on this. trust him, with a sense of perspective, relax! You're not that person you were before! You can make it on your own if you have to.

What will be, will be, be calm, don't panic.

[HissyByName]

I totally get where you are btw, been there, done that, but just push through the anxiety.

You're in unfamiliar territory, but it will get easier.

[NineCrimes]

I can relate OP. I have huge huge trust issues and have pushed the self destruct issue more times than I care to remember. I have gone through phases of feeling like I am just plain bad news to people and better off alone.

I second the CBT, you can try it yourself before you can get counselling in place. Each time you think he is going to finish with you, question that thought. Analyse it. Is there actually any evidence to support that thought? If the answer is no, it's a self destructive thought and you need to change it to something more realistic, more factual. Such as, there is no evidence he is going to finish with me, everything is okay and don't dwell any further. Thoughts are powerful things but just because you think them doesn't mean they are true.

The fact of the matter is when you have had such a downtrodden life, you just don't believe you deserve happiness. You deserve to be treated well and worth something. That needs to be changed and counselling along with CBT can do that if you really want it to.

Be honest with your DP. You don't have to be needy and insecure with it, just mention you do have a few issues and would like to address it with counselling and could he be aware and understanding if you might act a bit daft sometimes. Honesty and communication are important in relationships and if he loves you he probably won't like the thought you are worrying things might go wrong.

Best wishes, it's a path I am not that far along myself but I am starting to believe I deserve happiness. You will get there too.

[runamile]

I haven't got any advice I'm afraid but to an extent what you are feeling is natural. I find myself sabotaging things. In my new relationship when I think he is cooling off a bit, I want to get in first to finish it before he does. We are protecting ourselves really from the hurt.