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I think I resent my husband

(32 Posts)
mamamona Thu 13-Sep-12 23:10:03

I don't know how to go into this without typing out the whole story here, but I'll try to be brief and to the point.

My husband and I have a 15 month old son who is the best thing to ever happen to me. I experienced severe suicidal PND and an incident of domestic violence in January when my husband hit me over and over again to stop me from harming my self. Although I do not agree with violence it is fair to say that he was probably scared at that time too and didn't think he had any other choice but to be so violent with me at that time.

He has never hit me before or after that.

However, since January, through medication and intense counselling, I have come a long way in terms of my confidence and self belief and I am even working now to set up my own business. I think that my new found confidence is not helping my marriage though. I feel like my husband is holding me back from what I know I can now do and expects me to still be that timid housewife and make sure the place is spotless, and the food is cooked.

I don't know if subconsciously I fear him after he hit me, but I do know that everytime I think about it or have to talk about it to councillors etc, that I just completely break down into hysterics and just never want to remember that day.

During the day, I will spend time with our son, while he's sleeping and in the evenings I'll work on the business and in between I'll get all the meals cooked as well. I can't always manage to do the dishes, I can't always manage to get all the laundry done, and I can't always manage to pick up the stuff off the floor, but fuck knows I do my very best to do as much as I can.

Today my husband blamed me because our son put his dirty pasta hand on our white walls. He had stood up on his highchair and sort of collapsed against the wall and made a mark after he's finished his dinner. I was trying to hold him at the time but it was just one of those things which I couldn't help. I didn't mind so much because I knew I could just wipe it off and it wouldn't really leave much of a mark. All the while my husband was watching me intently as I washed up DS and got him clean after his dinner and cleared his plate up. When he saw that the wall was not my main priority at the time he shouted at me and told me that I am a dirty woman who likes to live in filth and he is always cleaning up the mess that I'm always making. He does do his fair share of the housework, I'm not denying that, in fact I appreciate that, and I told him this when he said that he does so much around the house.

But when I said to him (whilst wiping off the pasta mark to leave a shiny clean wall) that we both have our roles in the home and we need to work as a team, he belittled everything I felt I had achieved into something meaningless. Coming out of my depression, something like sorting out the laundry would be a big achievement for me. (I know it sounds pathetic to the untrained eye, but my depression was so severe that I just couldn't do anything for myself. I couldn't even decide if I should wear socks or not).

I'm even crying as I type this because I had always thought of my husband to be quite supportive, but over the past few months he HAS been belittling me in subtle ways, calling me names, knocking my confidence and mocking my positivity.

I don't feel close to him, nor do I feel like touching him physically and I fear that if I begin to resent him what will happen to our son? He is extremely verbally abusive when he is angry and I don't want my son to hear things like that just as he is learning to pick up words.

Any thoughts are welcome. I just want to stop crying!!

Dryjuice25 Thu 13-Sep-12 23:27:28

You poor thing, sorry you're going through this.

Your dh has no right to physically assault you. It's not your fault he did this to you. He also is emotionally abusive and seems to resent your success. He is not good for you and you can't continue like this. Something needs to change. PLTB

More advice will come, didn't want to read and run.

mamamona Thu 13-Sep-12 23:37:46

Thank you Dryjuice25. I don't know what to change. I've changed, I'm moving forward, and he seems to be a red light in my journey. I'm damn proud of how far I've come in my journey, and believe me, it took a lot of effort for me to be able to admit to myself that I am proud of myself.

I am still really sensitive to name calling and his opinions of me though, because I used to rely on him for everything during my lowest horrible days. Even now, if he calls me lazy, i will believe him even though I know what I've done and I know what I am doing which makes me NOT lazy. He knows what buttons to push, and I want to stop him from pushing those buttons!

He has been supportive through the depression, and I say supportive in a 'there there' sort of way. Which I think for him was the best that he could do, and that's fine. I really wouldn't wish my depression on anyone. But he holds that against me. He always says to me I've done this for you and I've done that for you. I didn't know in marriage we were meant to keep a tally.

My resentment is growing towards him and that is scaring me. I fear for my son...

Xales Thu 13-Sep-12 23:43:21

I don't understand how hitting you over and over again helped? That sounds like violent abusive aggression not help... Maybe once just to shock you out of what you were doing could be understandable however never acceptable.

Walls can be repainted. Kids can be washed. Clothes can be washed. Things can be picked up off the floor the next day. Not one single item of these is earth shattering and will kill anyone if it is not done within the next 30 seconds.

Your son will not grow up thinking our house was fantastic it had flawless walls. He will grow up remembering the times mummy and him got really messy doing hand/feet/bubble painting and laughing.

If the wall was so important to him he could have got off his arse while you dealt with your child and did it himself. It would have taken less time than it probably took to have a go at you to do it yourself.

I doubt he has been verbally abusive just since January/your son was born.

A fair few of the things he has done are unacceptable and some how you need to get him to see that.

Good luck.

Xales Thu 13-Sep-12 23:44:42

* to do it himself not yourself

MrsJohnMurphy Thu 13-Sep-12 23:52:16

Shouting at you and calling you lazy because your Son made a mark on the wall is well out of order, quite apart from the physical violence. So sorry you are going through this, I will chuck in the obligatory "leave the bastard".

Honestly I have been moaning a lot about my Dp on here, but I had severe PND after my second child, coupled with bereavement, I was a total mess, so I know how you feel when you say putting some washing on is a real achievement.

Your Husband is no way shape or form supportive from what you write, my Dp is so not the emotionally demonstrative type, but he doesn't name call or nit pick, my house actually has a scum line at child height of handprints and random "artwork" blush.

Are you still having counselling? Have you mentioned his behaviour?

I don't think you need to fear for your Son, do you? You say he is very verbally abusive when he is angry, the next time this happens, you leave. Phone womans aid etc before it gets to that point, have plans in place, because tbh it sounds like it is only going to get worse.

I really wish you luck, you sound fab smile.

mamamona Thu 13-Sep-12 23:55:28

Xales when he was hitting me, the part I remember the most was him saying..

"You motherfucking bitch. You know your parents hate me. If you died do you know what they'd do to me? Do you know that they'd put me in jail? Is that what you want, you cow etc etc"

I had a black eye, a bleeding nose and a split lip afterwards.

At the time, looking back, it was my absolute lowest point. For me to get to the point where I walked up to the kitchen and pulled the sharpest knife out of the drawer and I was slashing my wrist, my thigh and....oh my goodness I'm just overwhemed by it and crying hystercially right now.

That day, I wasn't me...it felt like somebody had taken over me and I was watching them do this...I don't know how to explain it. I'm not asking for symptahy of that day because I'm not at that point anymore, I've worked hard to gain confidence, I'm just typing this so that the full picture is there and you can judge for yourselves where I could go with this feeling I have right now...

Xales yes I do think you are right. He could have totally cleaned up the wall himself. And I also just want the happy funny memories of making a mess with my child. We both have so much fun when he's at work and then all of a sudden it's a frantic tidy up before he gets in.

Dryjuice25 Thu 13-Sep-12 23:59:27

"I fear for my son"
You need not leave in fear. I'm afraid this violence is likely to escalate. I would be scared he is capable of raising a hand to you under the guise of caring for you. He doesn't seem supportive to you in this partnership. You don't sound lazy at all and he doesn't seem to understanding how hard looking after a child is, let alone running a business.

Is he intimidated by you?
What does he do, does he work?

He sounds like a right di**k***d, if i'm honest.
What do you get out of this relationships?

mamamona Fri 14-Sep-12 00:00:07

MrsJohnMurphy can I come live with you?! I want a 'scum' line! That's a house where children live in and can be kids and I can be a kid with them! I'm just not bothered by stains on the carpet, or a decorative passatta drawing on my wall.

But when I say I fear for my son, I meant to say that I fear for him in terms of what would happen if we split up. DH is a loving father and I can see that DS is smitten by him. And if I ever said I wanted to split, he would go to hell and back to make sure that I never got to see DS or something drastic along those line. He is very vengeful.

Xales Fri 14-Sep-12 00:03:22

Congratulations on getting yourself out of that pit.

Double congratulations on getting yourself to the point you are at now, by yourself despite a verbally aggressive man who's put downs will not have helped you at all.

If you can I suggest you try and get sometime alone with a relationship counsellor and talk honestly and frankly about your relationship to help you decide if it is salvageable. Do it for you without telling him.

mamamona Fri 14-Sep-12 00:05:59

DryJuice25, I'm at the point where I'm asking myself this question now. I don't know where he fits in, in my future. Is that selfish? Yes he does work, and at the moment because I am home and I don't work, he held that against me today that he pays the bills etc etc.

However, before I got pregnant I was earning almost £11k more than him a year, our home is in my name and mortgage in my name because he couldn't get a mortgage and frankly doesn't 'do' paperwork.

About an hour ago he got even nastier with me because we got a letter from our freeholder (live in a leasehold flat) to say that our groundrent is in arrears (which it's not but thats another story) so he must have put that letter somewhere and I just went to ask him where that letter was so that I could e-mail them about it to sort it out.

He then started telling me that I'm messy and lazy and if I want the letter so bad I should try and look for it harder. So then I said to him fine. You said you pay the bills and etc, I'm not sorting that issue out and YOU pay the £750 that they're demanding by next week.

He still hasn't spoken to me.

thetrackisback Fri 14-Sep-12 00:06:11

I honestly am speechless. Big hugs. You should be proud that you have managed to get yourself to where you have. I have in a position of working with people who self harm. I think there is a big difference in restraining someone to get them to stop and physically beating them up. I honestly don't think it's you who has the problem...........

Dryjuice25 Fri 14-Sep-12 00:08:52

Xales- I really think after physically violence, there is nothing to salvage. The guy is a monster. I would have reported this assault to the police

Xales Fri 14-Sep-12 00:16:36

I totally agree. However in her first post mamamona was excusing him so proper professional help to make her see that her H is a vile abusive thug and to help her through the low image he is forcing on her is my suggestion.

mamamona Fri 14-Sep-12 00:17:44

Xales, I have suggested that we try relationship counselling to him because counselling (well CBT) worked incredibly well for me and I'm so much more positive after going through it. I still have monthly sessions as opposed to weekly.

But OH believes that he is above help and he doesn't need help. I would really like to salvage the relationship. I know there is a good man in there somewhere. I have that faith. But I don't know if deep down I have truly forgiven him for that violence. It scares me still.

Dryjuice25 That same day in the afternoon, my HV who was keeping an eye on my depression came to see me and saw the extent of my bruises etc. She was going to call the police immediately but I asked her not to. Instead she called the doctor and I was seen in emergency, so there is an 'official' record of it as such.

OH does regret it, well he says he regrets it. He's even cried about it. But nothing stirs in me when he remembers that day and cries about how much he hurt me and how much he hates himself for hitting me. I really think that I don't believe him and that its all bull shit.

sigh When he's wonderful he's really great, when he's pissed he's an absolute monster. I can't handle his mood swings and his negativity on my happiness.

What would you suggest would be the bottom line here?

Xales Fri 14-Sep-12 00:22:32

If he was vile all the time there would be no way on earth you would stay. It is a matter of percentages.

Get counselling for you not for him.

Easy to say I grew up in an abusive household. What he has done and continues to do to you would be the end for me.

izzyizin Fri 14-Sep-12 00:27:10

The top line, the middle line, and the bottom line is that you should take steps to get your abusive, controlling, and self-entitled h out of your life as soon as possible.

If you don't it for yourself, do it for the sake of your ds who deserves a far better life than he'll have watching his father abuse his mother and, quite probably, becoming subject to verbal, physical, and emotional abuse from his father himself which will not be dissimilar to that which you've already experienced.

Dryjuice25 Fri 14-Sep-12 00:28:00

Not selfish at all honey.

You sound mentally strong to me. PND sounds like a horrendous illness and a very dark place to be. You pulled out of it ....only for him to try and shove you back into the mud? How dare him treat you like this?

My dh is a bit like that, very selfish, cruel and uncaring.....we're on separation. I detached from his jibes, that's how I coped. Hope you sleep, and for your sake, seriously consider if you want this charmer in your life..

Dryjuice25 Fri 14-Sep-12 00:34:50

sleep well

Ops meant to say dp, <not married never will, ha>

Good luck OP

ShellyBobbs Fri 14-Sep-12 00:36:41

What stood out for me reading your posts is that your H says he did it to protect you from yourself, yet his deluded rant was all about him and what was going to happen to him and what people thought of him. What about you? I think you saw the true colours of him that day, his exact make-up and it was pure evil.

You are absolutely fantastic, you have come such a long way in such a short space of time despite him, I think you could do anything you wanted if you put your mind to it.

I'm not really offering advise, just giving you another way to look at things. Good luck in whatever you decide to do, but my guess is that you will go a long way.

Narked Fri 14-Sep-12 00:37:13

As you feel yourself getting stronger does his behaviour towards you seem to be getting worse?

antlerqueen Fri 14-Sep-12 01:41:32

This left me wondering if your depression might be/ have been caused/worsened because of your relationship with your husband? I don't know your full situation, but he seems to put unreasonable demands on you. (Plus the mocking, emotional/physical abuse etc.)

Did your relationship get worse when you left your job? How would your husband feel if you wanted to go back to work?

Send him to my house! He'll soon appreciate you when he has to live with great dane drool on the tv two messy teenager rooms and everything else oh pup cut himself yesterday came in the house shook his head and sprayed tiny blood flecks everywhere hmm

Plus what everyone says above. Big hugs xx

mamamona Fri 14-Sep-12 13:28:14

shellybobs yes that's what gets to me everytime I think about that day. He didn't seem too worried about the fact that I was bleeding and maybe should go to A&E more so about what would happen to him if I did die. That has left me not able to really trust him. He has also said that now whenever we have an argument I am soooo going to bring that day up and blackmail him with it. He is really worried about things like that, not really understanding that I just want to wish that the whole thing never happened...let alone use it as ammunition against him. I'm not that devious.

Narked I am started to ask myself that. As I do become more mentally strong and more composed I am starting to think he doesn't like me being so in control of my emotions and actions.

antlerqueen Together with my therapist I have worked towards eliminating most negativity around me. THe one I'm finding the most difficult is coping with my husband's negativity. It is prolonging my recovery because I continue to feel guilty for not being able to please him. Although this is getting less and less... I still do find myself sometimes valuing his opinion about me more than my own opinion of me (which is the opinion that should matter!) Well I left my job after mat leave because I didn't really have ajob to ggo back to in the end and my employers were being really rubbish. So we weren't expecting that I would not go back. It just happened. Before that, I never once let him feel that just because I earned more than him, he was infereior. I always maintained that we fill each other's gaps. What I don't know, he does and what he doesn't know, I do.

Yesterday he very visciously told me * I'm the one paying the bills and the mortgage* and today that has just made me feel like I need to get my business up and running fast and start paying my way quickly. I don't ever want to be under his obligation if he feels that way. I didn't know marriage was meant to be like this!

thingsthatmakeyougohmm I think he'll self destruct if I sent him to yours! .... What's your address!

mamamona Fri 14-Sep-12 13:30:33

We haven't said a single word to each other since the morning, and he's pulled a sickie. I am going to pull my hair out soon.

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