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to feel ashamed and disgusted? Should I be showing compassion?(Long - sorry)

(527 Posts)
BabylonPI Thu 13-Sep-12 22:24:11


my DSis and I haven't seen eye to eye for quite some time - the last time I visited her house was in September 2009 when dd2 was a month old. Since then, I've given birth to DS1 - she didn't know I was pregnant with him as I asked people not to tell her. I didn't want her to know. The last time I had any contact with her was in August 2011 when she ruined my DD2s birthday party by starting a massive row with my inlaws sad

DSis has 4 DCs, and I love them dearly. I have maintained contact with them even though I haven't had any contact with her.

At the beginning of the summer hols, DSis was admitted to hospital with some unknown illness. My parents begged me to make contact with her, and I did - for them, not for me or for her, but for my parents.

She was discharged from hospital (without a diagnosis) and we met for the first time in 12 months at my parents house. She met my DS for the first time and it was fine.

On Monday this week I took a trip up to her house as it was her DC3s birthday on Tuesday and I wanted to make sure the card and gift was on time. DSis was not expecting me and immediately upon entering her home I felt very uncomfortable - nothing I could put my finger on but very uncomfy.

Her DCs 3&4 told me upon my arrival that I shouldn't use the downstairs loo as mummy has been sick in there and it smells. DC4 also said that Daddy was still at work and he wasn't coming back.

Alarm bells started to ring, and I just felt that she wasn't herself. I thought she had been drinking, but talked myself out of that as I know how ill she has been. DCs asked if me and my DCs could stay for tea - DSis said we must and she would go and fetch takeaway. At this, I said we simply couldn't and had to get home.

I left after approx 45 mins.

On the way home, I called my parents and started off a whole chain of events which I'm devastated by.

I told parents that if I didn't know better I would say she was drunk - parents didn't believe me, so took a trip up to her house unannounced. The shit really hit the fan.
DSis denied drinking, but her whole attitude and demeanour gave her away. She attacked her DH, our parents and all in front of her 4 DCS who were screaming at their GPs to leave as they were making everything worse sad

It gets worse.

On wednesday, I got a call from DM to say I needed to pick her up ASAP and get to DSis' house.
On arriving there, we find, DSis sat in a heap on the floor covered in her own vomit. The living room floor covered in vomit with the youngest DCs playing in it and the family dog eating it <boak>

She was so out of it - sat there in just a bra, completely oblivious to her surroundings. This was at 5pm.
She had collected her children from school in the car in this state (but dressed) just over an hour before. Eldest DC had called her Dad to say they desperately so needed help as mummy was so ill. Daddy called GP and so on and so forth....

Dsis is fighting drunk. DCs are witnessing everything (and it was obvious by their reactions that they've witnessed it before).

Because of her recent stay in hospital, her DH and my DM thought it best to take her back to hospital - she is denying all the time that she has had a drink.

At 10pm last night, she was still twice over the legal drink drive limit - she wasn't fit to be seen by the MH crisis scene until after 2am.

She was vile to the hospital staff, DH, DM - everyone really.

It then all came out. She has been drinking in secret for YEARS. She has conditioned her DCs to say NOTHING by thereatening them with Social Services and telling them they would be taken away.
She has had numerous bumps in her car, and has been breathalysed on one occassion that we are aware of (obviously clear on this occasion). Her DCs finally admitted that mummy often mounts the kerb when driving and they have been covering up for her.

She also has major issues with dependency on painkillers. Again, she has denied this vehemently.

She was sent home from hospital soon after 5am today. She has a crisis team in place who will visit her daily at home. She is on a detox as she is severely alcohol dependent.

She missed her DC4s first day at school and her DC1s first day at Secondary school due to her drinking.

When she arrived home, her first concern was that she didn't want to see her MIL, and after that I received a call to ask if I had seen her iPad as she couldn't remember what she had done with it.

I dropped EVRYTHING last night to go to her and her DCs, and her major concern is updating her facebook status sad

I am disgusted, angry and ashamed of her. Right now I don't want to know her. I am livid that she has risked her children's lives and the lives of others by driving drunk on a daily basis for god knows how long.

I will do anything to make sure the DCs are safe, but I'm not sure I can see her without without giving her a good hard slap angry

Is this wrong? Should I be supporting her unconditionally?
AIBU for being this disgusted with her?
Where do I go from here?

She has some deep rooted issues which she had told everyone she was addressing and was getting counselling for - this was also a lie.

I'm gutted sad

Sorry, I did say it was long.

BabylonPI Thu 13-Sep-12 23:21:09

TheEnthusiasticTroll I fear you are right and she will hate me and her abuse will be directed at me for a while.

Currently, she is unaware that it is me who started this chain of events after my unannounced visit to her house on Monday.

It is inevitable that she will find out, and when she does, I suspect she will attempt to stop my contact with her DCs. She will say I have deliberately created this situation to make myself look good - this is so far from the truth it is unreal.

There has, for a long time, been a deep-rooted jealousy from her towards me. She sees me as slimmer, more attractive, more successful with well behaved children who sleep. Yet the reality is so different.

I used to be slimmer when i was twenty something but 3 DCs of my own put paid to that
In terms of attractiveness - we've both got something good I think.
Success? She had (and could have again) an amazing professional career. She chose to be a SAHM which is great.
I graduated from Uni as a mature student 2 years ago and have never used my qualification yet. I'm now a SAHM.
Yes, my children are well-behaved, but they have routine, consistency and a bloody firm hand at times. They sleep mostly, but again, this i feel is down to routine.

She has a beautiful house, the DCs want for nothing - except their mummy to not drink sad

TheEnthusiasticTroll Thu 13-Sep-12 23:22:44

she can help it and that is the message AA would give her, that she can change it.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference".

MrDobalina Thu 13-Sep-12 23:23:00

block her from facebook...dont get drawn into any of that

SharpObject Thu 13-Sep-12 23:24:43

Oh Babylon I'm so sorry, you are such a lovely person (seen you around on other threads offering massive support to others)

I don't have anything helpful to say but just wanted to add my support and a hand to hold.

BabylonPI Thu 13-Sep-12 23:27:32

I don't have any concerns that DH could cope with the DCs if DSis left the home, however, he would likely lose his job and they would then lose the home.

DH needs to keep his job, to keep the home - so that there is something "norrmal" to return to eventually for the whole family unit.

I had considered that DSis could move back home to our parents for a while, but DSis currently lives 40 miles away from me and I don't think it fair to move my DCs from school - which I WOULD have to do if i went to care for her DCs in there own home.

It wouldn't be fair to leave my DCs with my DH while I go to care for her DCs, and besides that, my DH has a full time occupation which he needs to fulfil to keep the roof over OUR heads.

MrDobalina Thu 13-Sep-12 23:28:11

BabylonPI Thu 13-Sep-12 23:30:48

WRT FaceBook angry

I very rarely use FB. She has been blocked from my profile for a long time. The last time I posted anything on FB was to congratulate a friend on her pregnancy, as seen by me through a premonition which wasn't true blush

Cue a rather embarrassed me, friend having to explain to people that she wasn't pregnant and to me about the private msging facility.

But yeah, i don't do the whole facebook thing - i don't like it.

Devora Thu 13-Sep-12 23:30:51

Another one here with alcoholism and MH problems in the family. I agree with others that people suffering these problems need compassion and support. BUT it is so hell to live with that family members can be forgiven for not always feeling like Mother Teresa. In fact, I'd go further and say that feelings of anger, disgust and contempt may be quite functional in keeping you afloat - you may need to feel a bit distant from your sister in order to avoid being dragged into her worldview; you may need to feel angry in order to resist enabling.

Go easy on yourself, because this is a very tough situation. And also because by being kind to yourself, you will get extra inner resources in order to get through the next few months looking after your dsis and most especially her children.

Best of luck.

MrDobalina Thu 13-Sep-12 23:31:14

that is why it is called a family disease sad

you cant hold it all up and arrange and manage everybody/ everything so that it resembles normal. It isn't normal. Most often you have to let it come crashing down. You cant really stop it

TheEnthusiasticTroll Thu 13-Sep-12 23:32:11

none of that does sounds very fair, you are right. maybe take it as it occurs then, nothing is ever clean cut untill you find your selfs dealing with it. I would definetly get alot of input from the crisis team.

BabylonPI Thu 13-Sep-12 23:33:21

Thank you. I do try to help others. I am capable of feeling compassion etc, just struggling to find any for DSis as I don't understand why she doesn't just stop drinking.

To my mind, everything that is happening to her is self-inflicted. But her DCs didn't ask for this and they deserve better.

BabylonPI Thu 13-Sep-12 23:40:12

Thank you all so much for your posts and kind words this evening - it is very much appreciated.

I really must try and get some sleep soon and catch up on other threads last night was a long night and I think there may be a few more of these ahead sad

Just one more question...... does anyone know how long the recovery process could likely be? Or is that like asking how long is a piece of string?
I'm guessing its the piece of string option, and i know it won't all be fixed by this time next week.

Thank you again smile

MrDobalina Thu 13-Sep-12 23:40:18

just reading back through your posts.....

you cant help her, she has to help herself. You can help you and you can look after her kids

She wont get 'long term intervention' IME. She is an alcoholic. She will be put on a detox programme if she requests it. On discharge, she is on her own, it is her responsibility to attend AA (or whatever she decides to do to stay sober)

If she takes care of her kids in the day and her husband is out at work, her kids are 'at risk' and are in danger of being taken by SS. They are also at risk of death. Someone (you?) does need to take them OR her husband needs to have her removed from the home

MrDobalina Thu 13-Sep-12 23:41:14

The recovery process never ends
it is a lifetime commitment
she will always be an alcoholic

MrDobalina Thu 13-Sep-12 23:43:01

detox is generally 2-7 days (?) as an 'inpatient' sedated on drip to control DTs

MrDobalina Thu 13-Sep-12 23:47:32

better information here;

TheEnthusiasticTroll Thu 13-Sep-12 23:48:50

yy mrdobanlina. life long.

it can work though!! a very close family member is 12 years sober this year it is a life long comitment for him, not always a battle (but sometimes) though it is always a comitment.

but he hit a life threataning low and made his own decission to maintain support and help for the long haul. It took him a few months of non engagement and everyone elses fault etc and we where all bastards of the lowest kind, but something in him changed. and he has a wonderfull family now. he does take alot of time out for AA and often appears and is accused selfish, but what is the better of both evils.

BabylonPI Thu 13-Sep-12 23:49:34

MrD she is on a 7 day detox at home with the relevant drugs? Being cdelivered daily by a member of the crisis team. This is short term intervention. there has been talk of her attending a 12 steps ? Programme too but I guess the onus will be on her to actually go.

Her car keys have been confiscated. She will no longer be driving.

TheEnthusiasticTroll Thu 13-Sep-12 23:51:59

what area are you in? are there any other mners or family attending AA that could offer her a lift of somethimg for the first few times who could NC and then PM op to make arrangements?

MrDobalina Thu 13-Sep-12 23:53:03

12 Step Programme is AA

The alcoholics i know who maintain sobriety go to AA meetings at least every other day, even when they are on holiday

BabylonPI Thu 13-Sep-12 23:54:38

She is SAHM - though now all 4 DCs are in full-time school. It is this that is part of the problem I think.

She needs a job (pt) so she has something for herself other than being "just" a mum.

In the short term, DH has arranged for the DCs to be transported to and from school. It is the period between 3.30 and 7pm when she is alone with dcs that is most worrying.

A referral has been made to SS. it's a while since I was part of the process of CP for my job, but how likely is it that she will be allocated a support worker to help her reinstate some teatime/bedtime routine?

BabylonPI Thu 13-Sep-12 23:55:18

I'm in south Derbyshire, she's in the north of the county.

BabylonPI Thu 13-Sep-12 23:56:25

I should say, I am on maternity leave currently and I will happily drive her to whatever AA meetings whenever.

MrDobalina Thu 13-Sep-12 23:58:45

I don't know about SS 'duties' Babylon

how are you going to know if she is drinking again/is drunk between 330-7pm? Are you going to let SS lead? I.E. wait for them to say dcs are at risk and need removing?

I think it is unlikely they will check on her daily???

MrDobalina Fri 14-Sep-12 00:00:12

IMO you should not drive her to meetings. Or arrange transport for her

She has to do this herself

You, however, should drive yourself to an Al-Anon meeting

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