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Rigid male brain, or twunt?

(38 Posts)
wickerman Thu 13-Sep-12 12:46:11

I have had a really vile flu for the past week. It has completely wiped me out. I have had temp of 104, shakes, vomiting, hallucinations, chest pain, throat pain, stomach pain, muscle aches, snotfest, etc.
My bf has completely failed to call, message, visit, or anything me since he saw me 4 days ago.
I gently quizzed him on this this morning - feeling a little better and hence able to give a shit - and he said he hadn't thought to call as he had been wrapped up in a recording project.
Whenever he does things like this, I just think he's badly brought up and selfish. I have a demanding job, two kids, one with sn and two very sick other relatives, and I manage to keep in touch with everyone. If they are sick or in need then I prioritise them further. I don't always want to, and it's not always easy, but I do it. And when he's been sick I've always gone the extra mile to make sure he's ok.
This makes me sound like some martyrish martha stewart character. I'm not. much prefer having fun and being creative than being responsible. But, I'm an adult, so I do it.
So my question is this. Do you, mumsnetters, believe there is ANY reason to cut him some slack? DOES he get so wrapped up in his projects that he actually cognitively forgets that he has a sick girlfriend? Is that, in your opinion, an ACTUAL male thing? Would any of you female mumsnetters behave in the same way if you had a sick bf who was also a single father?
I'm actually not angry with him at all, because I don't NEED him to call me or message me or anything, but I have been feeling really dark and ill and and I'm curious as to why I kind of plain slipped his mind.
I'm also a feminist and am skeptical about gender essentialism in the brain, so I'm really, just, kind of fascinated at HOW different we are on things like this - focus, and responsibility.

WinklyFriedChicken Thu 13-Sep-12 13:11:37

Did he know you were ill?

Did he know just how ill you were?

Is it normal for you to go 4 days without contacting one another?

wickerman Thu 13-Sep-12 13:24:47

yes yes no

Lovingfreedom Thu 13-Sep-12 13:27:45

I think it's a bit unusual for a guy not to be in contact at all with you in four days. It's easy to drop a text even saying that they are busy but hi. You don't say how long you've been together but if he's a newish bf I'd say he's not that into it..and if it's more established relationship that he's taking you for granted a bit...ok maybe he's been absorbed by his music. I think it would be quite usual to send a brief email saying 'this is going great, can't wait to tell you. how r u?'. My (albeit limited) recent experience is that guys seem to be texting/messaging etc all the time these days and find it strange if you're not in touch with them at least daily.

WinklyFriedChicken Thu 13-Sep-12 13:29:13

Then - he's a selfish prick

I mean, you may have overly high expectations of him based on what you would have done if he were ill but certainly a quick "how you doing, can I do anything for you" message is the least that could have been expected

Is he usually as self absorbed? Where do you see this one-sided relationship going?

wickerman Thu 13-Sep-12 13:46:18

We've been together for 2.5 years. We've been through a great deal together, and I love him. He is really funny, loving,absurdly beautiful, intelligent and we have ridiculously good sex. He loves my kids. I genuinely believe he loves me too - and that he is just obsessive and monomaniacal when he gets focussed on something rather than being an arsehole. I mean, it's the typical, single minded male ting, no?But I wonder if I'm patronising him by drawing this conclusion? He's much younger than me. I also don't know whether I think it's ok, even if it is just the way he's wired. I mean, it seems to me to be a way of getting out of responsibility.

wickerman Thu 13-Sep-12 13:48:01

We've been together for 2.5 years. We've been through a great deal together, and I love him. He is really funny, loving,absurdly beautiful, intelligent and we have ridiculously good sex. He loves my kids. I genuinely believe he loves me too - and that he is just obsessive and monomaniacal when he gets focussed on something rather than being an arsehole. I mean, it's the typical, single minded male ting, no?But I wonder if I'm patronising him by drawing this conclusion? He's much younger than me. I also don't know whether I think it's ok, even if it is just the way he's wired. I mean, it seems to me to be a way of getting out of responsibility.

Lovingfreedom Thu 13-Sep-12 13:51:37

He's not loving if he doesn't even phone you to say 'how are you?' or send you a bunch of flowers or something if you're ill. He might 'love' your kids...but how does this love for them or you manifest itself...not by him offering to help out when you've got the flu?...he sounds like a big kid and not ready for an adult relationship tbh.

ClippedPhoenix Thu 13-Sep-12 13:56:34

To act in a uncaring manner towards a person you love is not a "single minded male thing" to do OP. He's a selfish arse.

ScrambledSmegs Thu 13-Sep-12 14:04:14

I'd go with twunt. Sorry, OP.

The thing is, my DH is obsessional re: work - he's in a very technical job and can get lost in it for hours. He has never, ever got to the stage where I have totally slipped his mind for 4 days, even before we lived together.

I don't think it's a male thing. I do think it's a selfish thing. You were ill and he couldn't be bothered, basically sad

I hope you're feeling loads better now. thanks

wickerman Thu 13-Sep-12 14:11:01

So what would your bottom lines be then? How long would it be acceptable to not phone for? I'm genuinely asking. I came out of a marriage to a workaholic who left me for 4 weeks to go abroad with work when I had double pneumonia and 2 kids under 6 as he didn't want to miss a work project, so I'm kind of used to "manning up" in these situations and just getting on with it - think I may have a slightly warped view of what is generally considered acceptable. I am truly not a martyr, and I don't like fuss but I have been feeling REALLY bad and could have done with some attention/a foot massage/someone to cook dinner for the girls/ a phone call. (any of the above, not all). Also, I too work in a creative sphere, and I do understand how time is experienced differently when you are in "the zone" for want of a better word, but it doesn't actually give you amnesia.......

littlebluechair Thu 13-Sep-12 14:11:52

Sorry, that sounds like he's a selfish arse. Bin!

Hope you're feeling better x

littlebluechair Thu 13-Sep-12 14:13:46

I would expect extra attention when ill - just the odd text or a cheer up call. No-one gets in the zone so much they don't take a lunch break or do a wee - he could send a text before bed, surely?

Could you possibly have a warped view of how you rate vs. a person's work?

Badvoc Thu 13-Sep-12 14:17:10

Taunt
Sorry

Badvoc Thu 13-Sep-12 14:17:29

Ahem obv that should read twunt!

ClippedPhoenix Thu 13-Sep-12 14:19:23

Well let's just say that if a close friend of mine was poorly I'd call her daily to ask how she was/if she needed anything.

foolonthehill Thu 13-Sep-12 14:21:20

i think he went underground in case you asked him to do something useful. At best that's selfish and after 2.5 years I would expect to be nearer the top of his priority list whatever he was involved with.

Ask him how many texts he sent to his mates in the same period and I expect he will come over all embarrassed and you will discover that he wasn't in the studio 24/7 for 4 days and out of touch with the world.

Sorry btw, you deserve better.

As for your question how long you go without contact...that would be circumstantial. If you normally text every day, I would expect a text every day that you were ill as a minimum, if you go a week then a week.....

littlebluechair Thu 13-Sep-12 14:25:26

I agree with fool about him going underground. This is the sort of thing that matters because if you go on to move in and then get pg, what if you get SPD or PE or anything else, will he do this then? What if you get really poorly and need help/care? If you are upset about this, don't brush it aside, it is ok to want to be top of someone's list.

coppertop Thu 13-Sep-12 14:26:24

Selfish or not, this is a clear signal that his work takes priority over you.

I find it hard to believe that he didn't have even 10 seconds to spare in the space of 4 days. I live with 3 people who get very obsessive about various interests and projects (ASD), and can safely say that none of them have got to the point where absolutely everyone and everything else has been forgotten for four whole days.

OneMoreChap Thu 13-Sep-12 14:55:57

Don't know if it's a male thing.

DW is in regular contact with her large, wide family regularly. Weekly calls, specific days and so on.

I remember to ring my male siblings occasionally. Monthly at best. I ring parent when reminded to, or at least weekly.

If I'm focusing on a project, remember to ring family/partner?

Nah, having a laugh, I do well to remember to drink, never mind eat.

What does he say when you ask him about it?
I usually say "I'll try and do better..." I've set email reminders and things, and even put in stuff on task list to try and do so. I'm still crap but less than I was when I was 30.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 13-Sep-12 15:02:03

"I came out of a marriage to a workaholic who left me for 4 weeks to go abroad with work when I had double pneumonia and 2 kids under 6 as he didn't want to miss a work project, so I'm kind of used to "manning up" in these situations and just getting on with it - think I may have a slightly warped view of what is generally considered acceptable"

I think you need to reset your relationship radar actually. How long was it also between leaving your marriage and this person now?.

This man you are now with is basically the same as your ex H in that he is someone else who has put their work before you. Different bod but the same personality type deep down. Why are you drawn to such men?.

Is this really a good relationship role model to teach your children?.

RoloTamasi Thu 13-Sep-12 15:18:53

Could be a guy thing. If I'm ill, I want to be left alone. I don't want to be bothered or fussed over. Other than perhaps a quick visit to make sure I'm still alive. Maybe he feels the same and doesn't want to bother you?

Or could be he's afraid of catching it.

Or he's just thoughtless/unccaring

ClippedPhoenix Thu 13-Sep-12 16:08:45

Why on earth would it be a male thing? OP don't excuse uncaring behaviour. Do men have "rigid" brains?

bubalou Thu 13-Sep-12 16:09:48

Haven't read the replies but all I would gather from this is - selfish prick, clearly doesn't give a shit.

Being a man doesn't excuse him being a prick.

wickerman Thu 13-Sep-12 17:20:06

Thanks all, and thanks for the comment on ASD Coppertop, because although he isn't ASD, he's extremely obsessive, and he does forget to eat, drink, sleep, wash, etc, when he's in the studio, so I imagine that calling me was just one of those things like that that he forgot to do. I genuinely don't think he's an arse consciously - hence the way I phrased the original op - he's capable of extreme acts of consideration and kindness. And those comments on the thread from men seem to suggest that it's more normal for men to behave like this or on some sort of spectrum where this might be a more arsiesh version of a basically quite common male trait. Anyway, he's just redeemed himself by meeting me in tesco so he could carry the shopping back to mine.
I have to say that as an artist, I'm quite envious of his ability to be quite so focussed and absorbed in his work. I have the opposite problem in that I am so easily distracted by what other people around me are needing that I have to completely barricade myself away and be quite brutal in order to make work. And again I wonder if that's just as a result of being a single mother, or having been brought up to be aware of what else is going on around me. I guess I'd quite LIKE to be as single minded as him - I'd certainly get more work done - but it doesn't come naturally.
But am confused - and whoever said I need to reset my relationship radar may well be right.

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