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very confused

(24 Posts)
Butterfly1712 Wed 12-Sep-12 13:42:54

I am new to this so bear with me....I am a 28 yr old mother of 3. they are 9,5 and 2 1/2. I have been with my partner for 8 yrs (not married). we've had our ups and downs like any couple but for the last year things have not been right.
He doesn't like do anything with the kids espicially my youngest, she is very clinge to me as she was very ill when she was born and i was the one was with her all the time. He gets snappy over the slightest thing like for example he went beserke the other day because he thought the kids had moved his car keys, he was shouting in their faces and mine, swearing at them, onlt to discover he put them on a shelf in the kitchen. We had no apolgy just carried on as if nothing happened. I also mentioned to him that i want to go back to work, my older children are in full time school and my youngest is healthy and needs to be with other children her age as she is behind with development. He completely shut me down told me i couldnt earn what he earns that im not employable because of the kids and if i did get a job all that it would be would be supermarkets because thats all im good for. He is always moody with me or the kids, if i say im going out its 21 questions how long you gonna be? where you going? and if i go out after a argument he always accusing me of going to see friends or family to telling them all of our business. I cant take this anymore. He has just started his own business but he is always asking me to buy things for him i.e work shirts, petrol for the car. i need my space but i dont think that i love him anymore, there just doesnt seem to been any thing there anymore, even of evening when all the kids are in bed i would rather be on my laptop listen to music than talk to him. i just dont want to tell him that i feel for him to snap. please help!!!!

bubalou Wed 12-Sep-12 14:11:54

I just wanted to say hi. I don't know what advice I can offer I'm afraid. I'm sure you will be inundated with replies of 'leave the bastard' - which to be honest is my initial reaction.

I have been married 5 years, we have had a few bumps but mainly a very happy marriage. I have always been the type of person that is willing to work at a relationship, however my husband knows that if I wasn't happy I wouldn't stay together. ALOT of people stay with / stay married to people when they are unhappy - I don't understand this, I know it is complicated sometimes but I am a straight forward thinker on these matters.

You don't love him any more, he treats you and the children like you're in the way and he doesn't support you properly. Staying for the children doesn't sound like reasoning here as I'm sure they would be happier with just you.

I think you sound like a sensible woman and suspect you know the answer to this already. Stay strong, think carefully about what you want and make plans to move forward. Whether you think you want to try counselling to make things work or you need to make a clean break and move out etc.

Really hope you're OK. smile

deleted203 Wed 12-Sep-12 14:31:25

Sorry to hear about how unhappy you are. This sounds a miserable situation. All I can say from my own experience is that I left my ex-husband when I finally understood that if someone had told me we would still be together in 30 years time that I would have slit my wrists that night.....I was 32 at the time, (been together since 19). I too, had 3 young children of 7, 5 & 3. Life was tough - but it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders to not be tiptoeing on eggshells around someone who was moody, cold, critical and thoroughly unpleasant to live with. 14 years down the line I am (mostly) really happy and re-married to lovely man. When I occasionally see my ex I come home singing with joy at not still be married to him. Good luck with your decision.

Butterfly1712 Wed 12-Sep-12 14:43:34

thanks for the replies, i know what i want to do but i am afraid of how to go about it. i'm not afraid of being on my own but its telling him what i feel thats the scary part.

AnyFucker Wed 12-Sep-12 14:47:41

It doesn't matter what he says, you are perfectly at liberty to end your relationship

In fact, any man that swears at and otherwise intimidates my kids would be binned, printouts

AnyFucker Wed 12-Sep-12 14:48:25

Pronto, sorry stupid autocorrect

ClippedPhoenix Wed 12-Sep-12 15:00:31

He's a horrible arse OP.

I'd get him gone before he does any more damage you and the kids.

Thank God you know that though don't you.

Plenty of help will be at hand on here night and day. It's all very do-able.

ClippedPhoenix Wed 12-Sep-12 15:00:44

to you of course.

bubalou Wed 12-Sep-12 15:27:29

What way are you worried about going about it?

Do you mean just his reaction or the logistics of moving out etc?

I'm sure there are people on here that can offer some great advice on all this.

olgaga Wed 12-Sep-12 15:31:45

Whatever your status, you don't have to put up with this forever. You are still young, and have your whole life ahead of you. It sounds like a horrible atmosphere for your children to grow up in too.

You might want to start getting some information - there's a link here about the the differences between ending a relationship (with children) and divorce. There is more protection if you are married, but most of the advice applies whether you are married or not:

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce – Advice and Links

General

Try to get familiar with the language of family law and procedure and get an understanding of your rights BEFORE you see a solicitor.

If there are children involved, their interests will always come first. It is the children’s right to maintain a meaningful relationship with the non-resident parent (NRP) – not the other way around. Parents have no rights, only responsibilities. Shared residence means both parties having an equal interest in the upbringing of the children. It doesn’t mean equal (50/50) parenting/contact time - children are not possessions to be “fairly” divided between separating parents.

A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (“Statement of Arrangements for Children”). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order (“Residence and Contact” (which is likely to be called a Child Arrangements Order in future) regarding children, “Financial Order” or “Ancillary Relief” in the case of Finance). Information and links to these can be found in the Directgov link below.

Always see a specialist family lawyer!

Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don’t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation – there’s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don’t just stick with the first lawyer you find – shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you’re happy with.

If you can’t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law. You can search by area here:

www.resolution.org.uk/

You can also read good advice and find a family lawyer here:

www.divorceaid.co.uk/

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients – Google solicitors to see if you can find any recommendations or feedback.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. This can help by encouraging discussion about arrangements for children and finance in a structured way in a neutral setting. However, it only works if both parties are willing to reach agreement.

If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation. This is important because while a Mediator should have knowledge of family law, and will often explain family law, they are not there to give tailored legal advice to either party - so it’s important to have that first.

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question, because if you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:

www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/

DirectGov advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:

www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/index.htm

Legal Rights are further explained here:

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read – there are others of course:

www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you have access to, and take copies or make notes. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements – savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?

If you have no access to financial information, or you are aware that assets are being hidden from you, then obviously you will not be able to reach agreement on finances. If there are children, as you cannot divorce without adequate arrangements being agreed on finance and children, you will have to apply for a financial order anyway. If there are no children, and you are unable to agree on finances, you will also have to apply for a financial order (follow the Direct.gov links below). This seeks financial information from both parties going back 12 months. So it is in your interests to act quickly once you have made the decision to divorce.

If you are married, the main considerations of the Family Courts where parties are unable to agree a settlement are (in no particular order of priority):

1.The welfare of any minor children from the marriage.
2.The value of jointly and individually owned property and other assets and the financial needs, obligation and responsibilities of each party.
3.Any debts or liabilities of the parties.
4.Pension arrangements for each of the parties, including future pension values and any value to each of the parties of any benefit they may lose as a result of the divorce.
5.The earnings and earning potential of each of the parties.
6.Standard of living enjoyed during the marriage.
7.The age of the parties and duration of the marriage.
8.Any physical or mental disability of either of the parties.
9.Contributions that each party may have made to the marriage, either financially or by looking after the house and/or caring for the family.

CSA maintenance calculator:

www.csacalculator.dsdni.gov.uk/calc.asp

Handy tax credits calculator:

www.hmrc.gov.uk/taxcredits/payments-entitlement/entitlement/question-how-much.htm#7

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:

www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

Parenting issues:
www.theparentconnection.org.uk

Support for women

www.maypole.org.uk/
www.womensaid.org.uk/
www.gingerbread.org.uk/

Housing
www.england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships/relationship_breakdown

(Bear in mind that if you are not in England there is usually an appropriate link on these websites. There are significant differences in Scottish law and housing provision).

deleted203 Wed 12-Sep-12 15:33:17

Are you physically scared of him OP? Or does it make you feel scared that he will scream/swear/threaten when you tell him you have had enough? If you are certain you wish to leave I would start discreetly looking into ways of doing so - try and sort out a flat/parents place to stay/somewhere safe you can be before sitting down and telling him. Try and get as much support in place before you have any kind of conversation with him, because I can well imagine that telling him you want to end the relationship and then being stuck in the same house with nowhere to go will be awful - unless it is your flat/house, of course. Can you arrange to have mum/someone you trust with you (at least in another room) when you tell him? I would try and stay calm and simply tell him once your arrangements are in place that you are not able to continue with the relationship any longer because of his attitude and that it is over. Tell him that you are worried about the effect of his rages on the children. And then I would leave. Good luck.

DinosaursOnASpaceship Wed 12-Sep-12 15:40:41

Leave.

My situation is/was very similar (except I am also pregnant with dc4) and I used to dread the sound of the key in the lock. I had a stress free house during the day and we would all start to feel tense when we knew it was almost time for him to be home - I'd be shouting at them to put stuff away, trying to get them to watch a DVD upstairs quietly etc. He never had a nice word to say, nothing was good enough, I was lazy, the dc were badly behaved, I was useless.

That was nearly 4 months ago.

Now, my children relax, they okay, they are different kids. It's stress free, no pressure, it's so nice.

It was scary, I felt I needed a valid reason to leave and kept making excuses. But I had one all along - my Dc weren't happy, I wasn't happy.

I have been missing his company lately, and wondering of I made a mistake but reading your OP brings back the suffocating stress and I realise how free I am now.

Lovingfreedom Wed 12-Sep-12 17:18:44

Sounds horrible. It's not a now or never decision, you can end the relationship at any time, for any reason and whenever you're ready. You'll get support on MN. If there's no immediate hurry to leave then you might be advised to get plenty of information, sort out a plan and confide in someone very trustworthy in RL (friend, sister etc) if you can and to only tell your husband once you have your plan in place.

Butterfly1712 Thu 13-Sep-12 08:04:47

Thanks for all the replies and support. This morning was the last straw, not only was he angry because the kids woke him up at 6:00 but also because my 2 yr old was making to much noise. He proved my theory right yesterday, he can't be bothered to get up with the morning but someone needs a job doing at 8:30 then he's soon up. Im just going to have to face the consequences of telling him that u don't want to be with him anymore.

captainmummy Thu 13-Sep-12 08:13:51

Soundslike you'll feel so much better when you're out of there. Do you think he'll be relieved too? Or angry?

Anniegetyourgun Thu 13-Sep-12 08:30:08

Third option, he might be devastated and promise to change. Whether he really will or not is another question (mostly, they don't).

I'd put money on him having a parent, more likely father, who was the same. This is the model of relationship he's grown up with and you really don't want your children to repeat the pattern.

Butterfly1712 Thu 13-Sep-12 13:50:10

He was put in care at 6 and was moved to different foster parents until he was 17, he has always put he anger down to this and his anxity. i have always tried to help him but i always get it thrown back in my face. He cant keep on using the care as a excuse for how he is. i know that as soon as i tell him i dont want to be with him anymore he will be angry. as i said im not scared of being on my own its just getting over this hurdle that is troubling me.

AnyFucker Thu 13-Sep-12 17:28:48

Take a deep breath and go for it

This is no way to live

Many, many people have had troubled childhoods but they don't treat their partner like shit and swear at their children

and if they find themselves doing it, they seek help on their own account to change their patterns of behaviour

izzyizin Thu 13-Sep-12 17:54:24

I would suggest that before you break the news to him you talk to your local Women's Aid office - find them here www.womensaid.org.uk - as being able to present him with a fait accompli in which it becomes apparent to him that you are aware of your rights, and that you mean business, may result in him being more willing to listen rather than shout the odds.

If he becomes angry when you tell him to a point that you feel scared or intimidated by him, PLEASE don't hesitate to call 999 and get the police to remove him from your home.

You and your dc deserve a lot more from life that you'll ever have if you stay with this man and I look forward to your updates.

izzyizin Thu 13-Sep-12 17:54:56

www.womensaid.org.uk

Butterfly1712 Thu 20-Sep-12 17:42:53

Sorry its been a while for a up date, but this is the first time ive been left alone. ive been trying to find the right time to talk to him and tell him i dont want him here anymore but everytime i get the courage to his whole attitude changes so i forget about it to keep the peace. he has got worse he called my when i was in the bath to ask what i was doing as i was taking too long, he moaned at me for not going out to gbet dinner even though he had my debt card and was out with his mates. and i told him i was going out at the weekend and all i got was "great you go out and leave me to babysit" i thought the kids were both of ours to look after not just mine. can anyone please give me some advice on how to talk to him without him getting angry.

QuintessentialShadows Thu 20-Sep-12 17:52:33

I am not sure you can talk to him without him getting angry. This man seems like he is angry about pretty much everything, and anger is his one and only response to things.

I think the only sensible thing you can do is prepare as much as you can prior to this. Like, if you have a joint account that child benefit goes to, open your own account, etc. Ensure your paperwork, such as birth certificates, passports, bank details, etc is in a safe place, like with a friend. Ensure your children are with another family member when you talk to him. You could consider talking to the police non emergency number and tell them that you are about to split up with your abusive partner, and that you are scared how he will react, and that you might have to call them for help. Just so they know. Get advice from womens aid first, etc. Maybe have a friend or family member on stand by for when you talk with him.

Whose name is the house in? Do you rent, or own?

Butterfly1712 Fri 21-Sep-12 15:00:33

The house is rented but the contract is in both our names, ive already got all the money side of things sorted out with the council and my local benefits office. i have my own bank account and i have alreay hidden all my important paperwork. i have family nearby but im trying to do this on my own and not drag others into my problems. thanks for all the kind replies anyway.

*Many, many people have had troubled childhoods but they don't treat their partner like shit and swear at their children

and if they find themselves doing it, they seek help on their own account to change their patterns of behaviour*

Truest statement i ever saw.

If it was that bad for him, ask him why he would treat YOU like crap and risk SS involvement with his own DC's and possibly removal (if they told you to make him leave and you decide to keep your relationship)

Then the pattern would be repeated.

He needs to speak to his GP and seek help.

I am sitting on the hand that wants to type 'the guy is an asshole leave the bastard'

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