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or is he? answers below please!

(211 Posts)
veryconfused81 Sun 09-Sep-12 22:38:17

Basically, I have recently moved in with my DF. He has a DD who stays with us 40% of the time. She is 7. I have an 8 year old and a 2 year old. My DF has just started a new job as a teacher, in a neighbouring town, which means he does not get back here until 4.30pm. His DD does an activity class on a Wednesday, and we have her every other Wednesday. Prior to me moving in it was discussed that on the Wednesday we have his DD I would need to take her to her class for 4.45pm. So that would mean picking them up from school (about 20 mins drive from where we live), hanging around at home for an hour, making sure she gets changed, then driving her to her class and dropping her off (again 20 mins or so to get there). I had no problem at all with that, of course I was more than happy to help out. Then he drops it on me today that he has realised that on Wednesdays he has a meeting after work so therefore wouldn't be there to be able to pick her up. This would be every Wednesday. So that means that I have to pick the kids up from school, drive home, drive back into town an hour later, find somewhere to park and pay for it (extortionate where we live), then hang around with my 2 kids for an hour, including my rowdy toddler who at that time of day is generally not much fun, probably in the cafe attached to the place where DSD does her activity, with them both bored shitless (I am speaking from experience as I did do it once last term), and watching DD2 like a hawk as there is an automatic door leading directly onto a very busy main road.

So I suggested maybe he could contact the centre and ask if it was possible to change her day to one where he would be able to grab her on the way home, which means I just have to drop her off then can go back home. And he went MENTAL, i mean proper mental, shouting and shouting at me about how I won't help him out, culminating in calling me a slut (not sure how any of this conversation makes me a slut but there you go). I tried to point out that I was more than happy to collect his daughter from school, get her ready for her club and drive her to it, but if there was any way around me having to hang around waiting with the kids then that would be much better (any other day of the week would be fine as it's only Wednesdays he works late, and the club runs every day). But he is having none of it, apparently I am selfish and only ever think of myself.

I am totally prepared to hear that I am BU, do you think I am?

Flisspaps Sun 09-Sep-12 22:40:42


AlmostAGoldHipster Sun 09-Sep-12 22:41:53

DF - is this your father or partner?

YANBU merely to ask if the day can be changed. He is BVU to kick off like that - it would make me refuse to pick her up completely, if I'm honest.

If he had been reasonable and the day couldn't be changed, then I would have done this every week but ensured that he did something for my kids in return.

EndoplasmicReticulum Sun 09-Sep-12 22:42:06

No. YANBU. Perfectly reasonable to suggest changing the club as it is much easier for him to pick her up on his way home than you hang around toddler wrangling every week.

I am worried about his reaction though. Sounds like there are more issues here.

Tiredmumno1 Sun 09-Sep-12 22:43:55


PomBearWithAnOFRS Sun 09-Sep-12 22:44:01

Leave the Bastard.
And although that is the "stock joke answer" round here, maybe you should think about it? Hair trigger temper and personal ranting abuse when you question him slightly is a red flag. She is HIS daughter, not yours, and you are doing him a massive favour by running around after her - when does he actually see her during his wednesday contact with his child?
If you were posting this before you moved in with him I would be telling you to run like the wind and keep your own space. Is it too late for you to "go home"?
There can be no excuse for him to shout at you and call you a slut, ever unless he catches you in his bed with the full Arsenal reserve squad

JumpingThroughMoreHoops Sun 09-Sep-12 22:44:26

Run very fast and very quickly.

Slut indeed hmm

Fecklessdizzy Sun 09-Sep-12 22:45:36

No, you're not ... He sounds seriously odd, though, could you rethink your living arrangements as he seems to have mistaken you for the nanny he doesn't have?

EndoplasmicReticulum Sun 09-Sep-12 22:45:54

PomBear - good point - why does she come on a Wednesday? Might it be possible to change her day so she actually gets to see her father?

Although given he's just started a teaching job the answer to that may well be "wait until the school holidays"

(speaking from experience, my children probably won't see much of me now until half term....)

MagicHouse Sun 09-Sep-12 22:46:06

No, I don't think you are. I have a toddler who would also be winding down and fractious at that time of day. It sounded like you were very reasonable in the way you suggested a change.
Your DF's reaction sounds horrible - calling you vile names. It sounds like he resents you living with him, and feels like by living there you owe him favours. It doesn't sound a very healthy basis for making a home. Is living there a long term thing?
You need to talk with him about expectations while you're there. Is there anyone who could be in on a talk like that to support you both with it?

ThereGoesTheYear Sun 09-Sep-12 22:46:15

HIBU. And his reaction is very very worrying. Calling you a slut is disgusting behaviour. Has he ever called you names before?

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Sun 09-Sep-12 22:46:58

If my DH called me that for any reason, especially just asking a practical question, I would be thinking very carefully about my options. Red flags everywhere particularly as you just moved in. Do you know any of his exes? Any anger issues? I might post in Relationships if I were you.

apostropheuse Sun 09-Sep-12 22:47:04


He, on the other hand, sounds like an appalling excuse for a mean.

He ranted and shouted at you? He called you a slut?

Alarm bells should be ringing loudly in your ears.

MagicHouse Sun 09-Sep-12 22:48:11

This is your father you're talking about isn't it?

veryconfused81 Sun 09-Sep-12 22:48:14

DF = fiance, although actually last night technically he ended it with me so I gave him the ring back, so I guess he is really DP since we got back together today.

Yes he has major anger issues, he shouts all the time. Another example was today when he was driving and turned into a road near where we live on the way back home without looking, right into the path of a double decker bus. I screamed and said 'choo choo!!!', which is what my DD2 calls buses for some reason, and he swerved to avoid it, then spent the last 2 minutes of the journey shouting and swearing at me (in front of the 3 kids) for scaring him by screaming and for using 'baby language'. I agree that choo choo is maybe not appropriate language for a 31 year old but frankly I just reacted to the fact we were about to get totalled by a double decker.

WinklyFriedChicken Sun 09-Sep-12 22:48:26

Scary scary reaction

Why did his relationship with his daughter's mother fail, out of curiously?

OhTheConfusion Sun 09-Sep-12 22:48:32

He is very much in the wrong. Verbal abuse is not on!

squeakytoy Sun 09-Sep-12 22:48:41

He called you a slut? I would be packing my bags and out of there by now.

I am serious too.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Sun 09-Sep-12 22:50:12

Why is it OK for you to be treated like this?

CaliforniaLeaving Sun 09-Sep-12 22:50:48

Whoa! major over reaction. I see red flags waving. Does he get like this over lots of minor issues? What the heck would happen in a major situation.
If you want to find out, tell him you will no longer be picking up and dropping off and tell him good luck with his life.

FelicitywasSarca Sun 09-Sep-12 22:50:51

He called you a slut?

And you are having to ask us if it might be you being unreasonable?

Seriously. Stop and think.

Is living like this ok? Do you want life to be like it is right now?

JumpingThroughMoreHoops Sun 09-Sep-12 22:51:36

He is a teacher with anger issues?


ToothGah Sun 09-Sep-12 22:52:15

My god. You got back with him today?

So many red flags here. You really need to think carefully about this, I am worried for you.

apostropheuse Sun 09-Sep-12 22:52:30

oh my OP. The more I hear about him the more scared I become. Seriously.

I genuinely believe you should leave the bastard and get you and your children to safety. Obviously I don't know if his aggressive attitude will lead to physical violence. However, those poor children are being subjected to his outbursts and it's not fair on them.

Please don't live in an abusive relationship like this.

MagicHouse Sun 09-Sep-12 22:53:09

I thought you meant your father, which would be horrible, but at least it seemed the situation might be temporary.
Everything you say is screaming "get out of this relationship". Swearing and calling you names/ anger issues in front of your children (who are learning all the time here that this is how women are treated by men) He is treating you appallingly.

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