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He wants to separate

(587 Posts)
McBuckers Sun 09-Sep-12 02:06:43

My DH and I have had a rough couple of years. We live far away from family and close friends and he has a job that involves working evenings and going away for a couple of nights a month.

We have three children - 6, 2 and 3 months. About 10 months ago he had a brief fling with someone he works with. I told him I wanted to end the relationship and he begged me not to. We carried o and went to counselling and things were fine for a while.

Our third child was born in April and things were good for a few weeks but then I started to feel that things were going wrong again and that there may be someone else. On Tuesday night I found a message in his phone. From him to a woman he works with saying that he loved her. It turned out that he had slept with her twice the previous week.

On Thursday night we had a long talk. I can see now that in many ways I have pushed him away for fear of getting hurt again and that he has gone to someone else for that love and affection.

That night we made love - he instigated it and then immediately afterwards he said he wanted a separation. I texted the OW and begged her to please leave him to think about the situation and about our family. Pathetic I know, but I was desperate.

He asked for some thinking time and he stayed away all last night to think about things. This morning her came back and said that if we were to have any sort of future we needed to be honest with each other. He was acting in a very kind and conciliatory way - saying to our baby "daddy's been very silly" and he took us out to lunch and we had a fun day with the kids. The only blot was that he was getting texts from this woman all day and each time he got one he became more distant.

When the kids went to bed we talked, I again apologised for the mistakes that I have made in our marriage but he refused to listen, said that he'd been miserable for years and that he wanted to separate.

He said that he doesn't want to move out as the house is half his and he can't afford to pay half the mortgage and rent somewhere else. But he does want to separate. I know in my heart that we can turn things around and be happy but he doesn't want to listen.

I can't bear the thought of losing him and the thought of sharing custody of the children and breaking their hearts is too much to contemplate.

I don't know whether to force him to leave so that he will (hopefully) miss me and the kids (though obviously this would also give him more time to spend with the OW) or to try and keep hammering home the fact that we could be happy if only he would live me another chance.

He won't even let me cuddle him. I can't eat or sleep and I can't talk to m y friends about it because they all think I should have left him the first time he strayed.

I just want the opportunity too show him how much I love him but he won't let me.

ShellyBobbs Thu 24-Jan-13 13:21:46

I'll repeat my earlier opinion of this man. What a twat.

Abitwobblynow Thu 24-Jan-13 14:08:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Abitwobblynow Thu 24-Jan-13 14:33:48

Oops blush its McBuckers. blush

Wow, you sound so strong.

Charbon Thu 24-Jan-13 16:44:28

OP I was on your thread in the early days of it and I only dip in and out of Mumsnet now, but I wanted to say how glad I am that you have come so far and how much stronger and more together you sound from those awful early weeks. Very well done. You are clearly much brighter than this horrible man and your life will be so much better without him in it.

I also think it's often the case that after the dust has settled, people look back and realise how constrained they had felt by a partner who was always selfish and controlling.

SolidGoldBrass Thu 24-Jan-13 18:13:46

In a few months, you'll probably find yourself wanting to send the OW a big bunch of flowers with a card reading 'Thank you so much for taking Cockface off my hands, I'm so much happier without him.' (DOn't actually do it BTW, why waste the money? But thinking it will mak you smile...)

CremeEggThief Thu 24-Jan-13 21:22:33

So pleased that in general, life is so much better for you and DC smile.

McBuckers Fri 25-Jan-13 10:05:41

Actually I'm already starting to think the OW did me a favour taking him off my hands, I now have the opportunity to start a new relationship with a grown up!

CremeEggThief Fri 25-Jan-13 10:40:29


Astelia Fri 25-Jan-13 13:03:45

I am so pleased things are working out for you and DD1 is happy at school.

Keep a copy of any financial stuff that you see online- if DH argues to the children in the future that he has been whiter than white, it is evidence of his awful behaviour.

Be careful about opening his post if it is just addressed to him. I am sure I would be steaming it open though if I were you.

McBuckers Fri 01-Feb-13 09:04:52

Well the kids met the OW this weekend. Not entirely happy about it - especially as she was in the car with them at my house at drop off time (surely bad etiquette). DD2 (2yrs old) has been banging on about how much the OW says she loves her (she's only just met the kids)! The sweet thing though was that my 6 yr old chose "I love mummy" for her bedtime story that night, she doesn't speak a lot about her feelings but that spoke volumes.

The house sale also fell through this week. We have another buyer lined up but at 10k less than the previous offer so there will be no equity left. This will really hurt him as he's been spending like crazy since moving in with the OW. He's racked up an extra 5k or so in the last 3 months or so.

His parents are coming down to stay with the kids and me for half the half term week. His sister, her husband and their new baby will also be coming down too but splitting their time between me and my STBXH and the OW. Feels like a kick in the teeth but she is his sister and blood is thicker than water...

CremeEggThief Fri 01-Feb-13 09:30:54

Stay strong, McB. In a way it's a good thing if you sell the house for 10k less, as it's less money for him to squander!

McBuckers Fri 01-Feb-13 09:31:53

Yes, you're right. Every cloud...!

Mimishimi Fri 01-Feb-13 09:39:08

Don't tell him about the credit card statements ... Let him figure it out but just make sure that you are not linked to the account in any way or you might find yourself liable for any debts he racks up. Not opening them, or at very least steaming thm open if you can't help yourself, would be a good idea. If I were you, I would be very tempted to a) send all three kids over every second weekend and b) make yourself agreeable by not letting the weekend of the 15th bother you, he can have them the weekend before and after. I can still remember how haggard my then childless SIL was after two hours of looking after DD ( our first). Imagine what a whole weekend of 3 might do for OW wink.

McBuckers Fri 01-Feb-13 11:03:22

Good point Mimi!

As his wife could his creditors come knocking on my door if he defaults?

He's now sending crappy texts because he was supposed to do FaceTime last night and decided (without warning) to go to ikea instead and not bother doing it. He's now demanding to FaceTime tonight and is throwing his toys out the pram because I've said that the kids and I have plans this evening so he'll have to do it tomorrow.

He really is a little ball of anger at the moment I'm surprised he hasn't spontaneously combusted yet!

I'm so grateful to my counsellor for giving me the strength to stand up for myself at last!

TeenyW123 Fri 01-Feb-13 11:19:30

Are you sure he's been WORKING long hours and have those trips away REALLY been to do with work?

Methinks this fornication has probably been going on a long time. Wake up, Honey! Sort you and the DCs out to YOUR satisfaction, and let him get on with it.


Mimishimi Fri 01-Feb-13 11:20:59

I think only if the account is in your name too. Why do you even check his texts on a weekend? I'd just not reply at all if it wasn't his agreed access time. Nor evn check them so that he'd go crazy wondering why you hadn't ( because usually there's a little tick or time stamp to let you know if and/or when the person you've texted has seen your message) . You're under ^no ^obligation to arrange Facebook times for him.

CremeEggThief Fri 01-Feb-13 11:28:47

You can only be responsible for any debts in joint names, McB. So if your name isn't on the loans/cards, you're not liable.

God, I HATE your STBXH! He is one of the most unpleasant people I've read about. I've said it before and I'll probably say it again grin.

Seenenoughtoknow Fri 01-Feb-13 11:41:12

Wow, have just read (most of) this thread and wow again! Well done OP - you must be so proud of how far you've come. Fabulous advice from the other posters too. Well done McB smile!

If you are ever near the other woman, don't forget to give her a bit of 'friendly' advice to keep a really good eye on her boyfriend as he really can't be trusted around other women - I'm sure she'll make his life a little more claustrophobic after that wink

frustratedashell Fri 01-Feb-13 12:21:45

amazing thread! youve really got it together now OP. Well Done! Carry on being strong and not being too cooperative lol

McBuckers Fri 01-Feb-13 13:13:44

Thanks frustrated it sometimes feels like 3 steps forward and 2 steps back but we are getting there!

McBuckers Fri 01-Feb-13 13:18:17

seenenoughtoknow - I think she must already know he can't be trusted as when I found out about her I emailed her and the last one he slept with and told them together that they had something in common - shagging my husband!

It's all roses with them at the moment but give it time...!

Seenenoughtoknow Fri 01-Feb-13 13:49:33

Haha! Leopards and spots and all that....she'll work it out in time... Really best of luck to you - your children would be proud of you if they were old enough to understand. Xx

McBuckers Fri 01-Feb-13 13:54:07

Teeny - I think latest affair started the week after she started working in his office. I remembered him saying they had a new girl starting a couple of weeks before DD3 was born. And lo and behold on DD3's due date he told me he was going out for a few drinks with his boss when actually he was out with her. All was well when he was on paternity leave - he was saying how he wanted to spend more time with me and the kids. But 2 weeks after going back to work it all changed!

McBuckers Sun 17-Feb-13 02:26:20

Am so miffed off. STBXH took the mistress for a stay in Barcelona for Valentines Day and what was I doing? Looking after three children who all had a vomiting bug. His parents are staying with me and the girls over half term and tomorrow they are spending the day with my STBXH and possibly the mistress too. I understand that they need to have a relationship with their son but it feels so weird. I love them to bits and I can't stand the thought of them spending the day with the woman who helped to break up our marriage and destroy my children's family.

McBuckers Thu 17-Sep-15 22:20:46

Wow - I love reading this again - this was me two and a half years ago. I can't believe how brilliant my life has become since my cheating husband left! I have now met THE most wonderful man who my children adore and he adores them too. My husbsnd and the OW unfortunately don't sound that happy (but that's not my problem) I look back at my posts now and can't believe how I tried to make excuses for his cheating.

Thank you to all those Mumsnetters that helped me back on the path to happiness.

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