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He wants to separate

(587 Posts)
McBuckers Sun 09-Sep-12 02:06:43

My DH and I have had a rough couple of years. We live far away from family and close friends and he has a job that involves working evenings and going away for a couple of nights a month.

We have three children - 6, 2 and 3 months. About 10 months ago he had a brief fling with someone he works with. I told him I wanted to end the relationship and he begged me not to. We carried o and went to counselling and things were fine for a while.

Our third child was born in April and things were good for a few weeks but then I started to feel that things were going wrong again and that there may be someone else. On Tuesday night I found a message in his phone. From him to a woman he works with saying that he loved her. It turned out that he had slept with her twice the previous week.

On Thursday night we had a long talk. I can see now that in many ways I have pushed him away for fear of getting hurt again and that he has gone to someone else for that love and affection.

That night we made love - he instigated it and then immediately afterwards he said he wanted a separation. I texted the OW and begged her to please leave him to think about the situation and about our family. Pathetic I know, but I was desperate.

He asked for some thinking time and he stayed away all last night to think about things. This morning her came back and said that if we were to have any sort of future we needed to be honest with each other. He was acting in a very kind and conciliatory way - saying to our baby "daddy's been very silly" and he took us out to lunch and we had a fun day with the kids. The only blot was that he was getting texts from this woman all day and each time he got one he became more distant.

When the kids went to bed we talked, I again apologised for the mistakes that I have made in our marriage but he refused to listen, said that he'd been miserable for years and that he wanted to separate.

He said that he doesn't want to move out as the house is half his and he can't afford to pay half the mortgage and rent somewhere else. But he does want to separate. I know in my heart that we can turn things around and be happy but he doesn't want to listen.

I can't bear the thought of losing him and the thought of sharing custody of the children and breaking their hearts is too much to contemplate.

I don't know whether to force him to leave so that he will (hopefully) miss me and the kids (though obviously this would also give him more time to spend with the OW) or to try and keep hammering home the fact that we could be happy if only he would live me another chance.

He won't even let me cuddle him. I can't eat or sleep and I can't talk to m y friends about it because they all think I should have left him the first time he strayed.

I just want the opportunity too show him how much I love him but he won't let me.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 05-Dec-12 09:52:07


Fucking bastard.

Yes, I would make him feel the consequences - grrr!!

Dump everything in bin bags and leave outside for him to collect. Do not allow him INSIDE your home. He has to take the kids out if he wants to see them. He has abused you and your good nature for far too long!!

Doha Wed 05-Dec-12 09:58:45

Don't allow him back in the house to collect stuff unless you have someone with you. He can collect DC's at the door.
2 weeks McB and you will be settling into your new home and life in time for xmas.
New year new start.
Do not allow him into your new home at all. That will be your personal space after all would you be invited into hos new pad with OW eugh!!!!!!!!!
She can have his shitty boxers and smelly socks you have lovely DD's--you are the winner in all this.
Anger is wasted on him please do not put yourself in a situation where you are alone with him again

cakehappy Wed 05-Dec-12 12:50:33

What a fking Twat. Loser. Dont let him in the house again, without someone there, and get rid of his shit by dumping it at the shagpad. He is completely absolving himself of any responsiblity as he can't deal with the truth of what he has done and is freaked out that you aren't the timid shell you used to be. He was so unfaithful to you, he broke this marriage up, he didn't want you but he never expected you to set boundaries and stick to them. Well done you. He's an arse, well pissed off on your behalf. Tell his dad of his obnoxious behaviour if he keeps it up.

McBuckers Fri 07-Dec-12 06:16:14

Well he signed the papers for the house sale last night. I just feel so broken. He's asking when he can introduce the children to the OW. I'd prefer to wait but I don't think I have any fight left in me. We originally agreed six months but now they've moved into their own place they obviously want to start playing happy families with my children as soon as possible.

I spent mot of the night crying. I just want him to come home.

McBuckers Fri 07-Dec-12 18:02:50

And just to top off a great week our cat was hit by a car this morning and died.

Went to the Dr and got some citalopram today. Not really coping very well.

SomethingProfound Fri 07-Dec-12 18:19:59

McB I've been reading your thread since it began, just keep thinking 13 more days and then your out of that house and into a new one and a fresh start, with your wonderful

Keep strong, think how far you have come!

SomethingProfound Fri 07-Dec-12 18:20:49

Sorry should say and your wonderful DD's

redtulip68 Fri 07-Dec-12 19:26:24

McB, I fully understand the feelings you are having. My STBXH left 9 months ago and there isnt a day that goes by when I dont think about him. There are times when I wish for the sake of everything we had previously been through and for our DC that he would come back but the truth is if he were to come back it would never work.

You and I are both greiving for the future we believed we have lost but a new clearer, brighter and more loving future is only around the corner. The bond you will develop with your DC will be greater than anything he can ever dream of. Every day my children tell me how special I am and how much they love me - he never gets that.

Take care X

jingleallthespringy Sat 08-Dec-12 13:45:22

I'm so sorry to hear about your cat. the ADs will help a lot - you've been through so much in the past few months. Well done, you have been an inspiration. I hope you can move soon and this horrible part will be behind you for good. xx

NotGoodNotBad Sat 08-Dec-12 21:30:20

Tuesday: "He kicked me me on purpose and pretended he was merely standing up after crouching down at DD2's cot and then shouted that I was an unfit mother.
Am so angry with him. "

Friday: "I spent mot of the night crying. I just want him to come home. "

You have a long, long list of reasons not to want him home. You really want this foul man back?

CremeEggThief Sat 08-Dec-12 21:41:23

Oh McB. I didn't realise your thread was still going. I was wondering how you are getting on.

Very, very soon, you will be starting afresh, with more support, and far away from your horrid ex. Stand your ground over the six months and make sure he does all the travel for future contact. You owe him NOTHING.

So sorry about your cat too sad.


Bossybritches22 Sun 09-Dec-12 13:09:57

Hi McB- just checking in, not long now till you move to your new house & hopefully a better future.

Glad you got the AD's they do just help you keep it together while you are going through this shite. The cat must have been the final straw <<hugs>>

McBuckers Mon 17-Dec-12 18:40:51

Well we're nearly packed and I picked up the keys to our new home today.

Seems so weird - four months ago he was saying how he wanted to build a better future for us and here we are now going our separate ways. Seems so sad.

He's getting angry about contact now. Up til now he's seen the kids Thursday evenings and Sundays and I've let him come into the family home and play happy families - reading the kids stories and putting them to bed, I've let him use the family car on Sundays to take them out (even though he never puts petrol in it). I feel I've been very reasonable under the circumstances.

When we move to the new house I've said he can have the children every other weekend and as many nights during the week as he wants. But because of his job and because he will be living an hour away from us once we have moved he's trying to insist on every other weekend plus Sundays on the weekends he doesn't have them. This would leave me with two Saturdays a month with the kids to take them out (as DD1 is at school all week). I'm refusing his proposed arrangement because of this - am I being unreasonable?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 17-Dec-12 18:47:47

The standard is every other weekend and a midweek evening. He shall have to be happy with that.

I wouldn't accept a Sunday contact on his "off" weekend...it mucks up "your" free time with the kids.

McBuckers Mon 17-Dec-12 19:28:26

Well that's what I thought. He's threatening solicitors but I've got him on email admitting to driving the kids over the drink drive limit, and have evidence of him not turning up to see the kids because he was with the OW.

I don't want to be a bitch about this but I can't help feeling that I get the Mon to Fri stress of school runs and sleepless nights with the baby and then he trolls up to be fun daddy whenever it suits.

McBuckers Mon 17-Dec-12 19:36:30

Well that's what I thought. He's threatening solicitors but I've got him on email admitting to driving the kids over the drink drive limit, and have evidence of him not turning up to see the kids because he was with the OW.

I don't want to be a bitch about this but I can't help feeling that I get the Mon to Fri stress of school runs and sleepless nights with the baby and then he trolls up to be fun daddy whenever it suits.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 17-Dec-12 23:10:11

He can threaten away, he is wasting his breath. You keep hold of your evidence and your moral high ground, love x

olgaga Mon 17-Dec-12 23:27:43

McB pleased to hear about the new home etc. Think you have done the right thing re the Citalpram, it was an absolute lifesaver for me.

Don't listen to his empty threats about solicitors, contact etc. He's just pissed off because you won't be there to make it easy for him. Plus you've taken the initiative with the house move. How very dare you!

Maybe I've missed it on this long thread but have you sorted out legal advice yet? Or were you waiting to settle in the new place?

Either way, please have a look at this information, it should put your mind at rest and ensure you're up to date with everything before you see a solicitor.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 17-Dec-12 23:48:45

olgaga that post is brilliant

Can I have your permission to link to it if I don't see you knocking around on a thread where it would be very useful indeed ?

olgaga Tue 18-Dec-12 00:25:15

Yes by all means - pleased you like it!

The advice and links post got so long when I updated it recently (and did all those nice neat hyperlinks) I found I could no longer post it directly on the threads like I used to.

Just don't refer to it as a blog! I've found that some people will report it for breaking the talk guidelines on posting links and spamming.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Tue 18-Dec-12 00:29:40

Oh, ok. Not a blog, gotcha wink

I added your first comment < proud >

olgaga Tue 18-Dec-12 00:59:34

Tee hee grin

McBuckers Tue 18-Dec-12 08:23:22

Thanks for the info Olgaga.

Am waiting until we've moved to get legal advice, I'm already drowning in paperwork and new arrangements for the new house and school etc.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 18-Dec-12 08:30:16

Good luck with the move and I agree with the others that your EX is trying it on x

olgaga Tue 18-Dec-12 10:00:33

Hope it goes well McB, come back and tell us how you're getting on and PM me if you have any queries over the advice and links/finding a family lawyer especially.

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