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He wants to separate

(587 Posts)
McBuckers Sun 09-Sep-12 02:06:43

My DH and I have had a rough couple of years. We live far away from family and close friends and he has a job that involves working evenings and going away for a couple of nights a month.

We have three children - 6, 2 and 3 months. About 10 months ago he had a brief fling with someone he works with. I told him I wanted to end the relationship and he begged me not to. We carried o and went to counselling and things were fine for a while.

Our third child was born in April and things were good for a few weeks but then I started to feel that things were going wrong again and that there may be someone else. On Tuesday night I found a message in his phone. From him to a woman he works with saying that he loved her. It turned out that he had slept with her twice the previous week.

On Thursday night we had a long talk. I can see now that in many ways I have pushed him away for fear of getting hurt again and that he has gone to someone else for that love and affection.

That night we made love - he instigated it and then immediately afterwards he said he wanted a separation. I texted the OW and begged her to please leave him to think about the situation and about our family. Pathetic I know, but I was desperate.

He asked for some thinking time and he stayed away all last night to think about things. This morning her came back and said that if we were to have any sort of future we needed to be honest with each other. He was acting in a very kind and conciliatory way - saying to our baby "daddy's been very silly" and he took us out to lunch and we had a fun day with the kids. The only blot was that he was getting texts from this woman all day and each time he got one he became more distant.

When the kids went to bed we talked, I again apologised for the mistakes that I have made in our marriage but he refused to listen, said that he'd been miserable for years and that he wanted to separate.

He said that he doesn't want to move out as the house is half his and he can't afford to pay half the mortgage and rent somewhere else. But he does want to separate. I know in my heart that we can turn things around and be happy but he doesn't want to listen.

I can't bear the thought of losing him and the thought of sharing custody of the children and breaking their hearts is too much to contemplate.

I don't know whether to force him to leave so that he will (hopefully) miss me and the kids (though obviously this would also give him more time to spend with the OW) or to try and keep hammering home the fact that we could be happy if only he would live me another chance.

He won't even let me cuddle him. I can't eat or sleep and I can't talk to m y friends about it because they all think I should have left him the first time he strayed.

I just want the opportunity too show him how much I love him but he won't let me.

2wwmadness Sun 09-Sep-12 09:28:31

I was exactly the same. Moody coz his job took him away Ect, only it didn't have to, he could of turned opportunity down for me sake of family one with the baby and I. I did. Your h could of to, also, he was shagging his staff. Yours was to. Now do you think he could of come hone to you and the kids and he chose not to. I'm certain he did at times.
You are worth more.
The family thing I also understand, I have had phone calls and support of his family. That doesn't have to change. And who cares if it does! You will be so happy in a few months it won't matter

PatronSaintOfDucks Sun 09-Sep-12 09:31:41

OP, I am sorry I do not have time to write out a proper post, but I just wanted to say that I wholeheartedly agree with the others on this thread. You have done nothing wrong. You husband sounds like a complete knob of a man-child who is trying to sit on two chairs. He totally has you wrapped around his finger. Please pull the pink shades off your eyes and see him for what he is - a man who betrayed you and your/his children twice and who is now avoiding all responsibility and creating a situation of emotional abuse. It's time to get angry. And trust your instincts. When he strayed for the first time, you were right - he should have fought for you and your love and your marriage.

Your situation is horrid, but please know that you will come through it, and be much much better off in the end. And you husband . . . well, I do not know what kind of woman will want a cheating man-child with three children by an ex-wife.

OrangeImperialGoldBlether Sun 09-Sep-12 09:36:31

No, move HIM into a separate bedroom! The OP is pregnant and needs her sleep.

OP, the biggest mistake of anyone's life was your belief that if only you'd behaved differently, he wouldn't sleep with other women. He has really done a mind fuck on you, hasn't he?

You need to rip the plaster off this marriage. Get angry. Go to see a solicitor tomorrow and tell them you want to move back to your family but you want to stay in the family home without your husband until you're able to do that.

Keep reminding yourself and him where he was when you were due to give birth and NEVER call him a good father again. Anyone can play lego or football with a child. A good father wouldn't be shagging someone on the night his child is due to be born.

Keep saying to yourself that he is manipulative and you can't trust a word he says. He will blame you. That's what people like this do.

McBuckers Sun 09-Sep-12 09:57:54

I think that's half the problem. He loves his kids but the responsibility is too much for him and he's resented me because he sees the family as a constraint on his freedom.

panicnotanymore Sun 09-Sep-12 10:02:09

I'm not saying buy the book, just read the intro blurb. It is interesting, and I personally think it does work, even if it goes against the grain of everything everyone seems to preach.

Put your energies into yourself and your kids, don't waste any on him. None! It won't help you keep him, and it will make you miserable. If he wants to be with OW let him, as there is nothing worse than being stuck with someone who is intent on treating you badly.

They say the best revenge you can take on an OW who sleeps with your (not so D)H is to let her have him wink

Jemma1111 Sun 09-Sep-12 10:02:42

So the responsibility is too much for him having children is it ?
Well then he should never have had them and stayed single leaving you free to have your children with a man worthy of being a father .

He's a selfish twat

swallowedAfly Sun 09-Sep-12 10:08:28

oh come on! this is the second affair in what a year? one whilst you were pregnant one whilst you were caring for a young baby and two other kids? this is awful of him and so not anything you've done.

he has to move out. he is utterly taking the piss thinking he can dump you but still live in his domestic world with his kids and you doing all the work and saving himself money on having to pay rent and a mortgage. having to pay rent and child support towards your children's home is the result of repeatedly cheating on and leaving your wife. it's a direct consequence not a 'if you feel like it'.

i honestly think this begging and pleading stage will wear off soon and you'll realise what a shit he's been to you all and how much he is taking the piss. at this point you're desperate to make it all go away and will say and feel anything to make that possible.

twice in a year. there is no way you can be accused of having not gotten over the first and pushed him into second - there wasn't time between the two for you to have gotten over it or for him to have really felt any remorse before he jumped in bed with the next one.

LittlePebble Sun 09-Sep-12 10:08:49

OP listen to what Charbon says, if the roles were reversed would you respect a man for begging you to stay and apologising if you were the one out sleeping with other people? Your actions at the moment are only serving to make him want to be with you less.
If you want him back the only way you'll achieve that is to stand up to him and show him you don't need or want him.

swallowedAfly Sun 09-Sep-12 10:10:00

god i hadn't read the second page - you're pregnant again with this man? or am i misreading? sorry.

Xales Sun 09-Sep-12 10:25:52

If he is determined that he wants out there is nothing you can do to stop that. Two affairs?!?! He is not going to change.

What you can do is behave with dignity and strength. Begging him to give you another try is just going to end up in him wanting to scrap you off his boot like shit. As much as it breaks your heart in two you need to don your war mask and not let him see a single chink in your armour from now on.

He doesn't get to decide that he wants out then keep the main bedroom and have you still perform all his domestic and skivvy duties.

He has to move into another room as you are the pregnant one and you are the one the children will come to during the night.

Stop skivvying for him. You will not get any thanks or recognition. You will get used.

Get the ball rolling on a divorce. Don't think you can keep this amicable. He is already telling you he is going for what he wants by staying in his house because it is his.

He is not your friend right now. Do not treat or trust him as one. You need to be strong for you and your DC.

Please get an STI check as soon as possible. He has played fast and lose with your health.

Good luck.

MrsTomHardy Sun 09-Sep-12 10:28:13

Great advice on here.

Sorry you are going through this. Keep strong

clam Sun 09-Sep-12 10:32:00

I didn't read it as her being pregnant again. Thought she had three dcs, youngest of which is 3 months but one affair went on whilst she was pregnant with that youngest.
Can someone confirm? On phone and hard to scroll back! blush

EdithWeston Sun 09-Sep-12 10:43:38

I agree with the advice on this thread. Use today to find all the key documents you will need for a divorce and line up solicitors to ring for an initial consultation. Do not move out at this stage.

Looking at the stresses in the marriage, including your role, is a valid step after one infidelity if you decide to have an attempt to make it work (and I think that is a perfectly good course of action), but you've done that and he has gone on to further infidelity. His interest in saving the marriage just isn't there - either he doesn't value fidelity at all (in which case staying means signing up for a lifetime with this) or he simply does not see it as something that matters in respect of his relationship with you (much the same outcome, but on a roller coaster of broken promises). The bottom line is that he doesn't agree with you about the future of your marriage, and is demonstrating it by his actions.

You are worth more than that. The tough bit now is to act on that. Get all his stuff out of your bedroom and into a spare room. Do the minimum for him consistent with your domestic standards (ie not his laundry, other than to move it out of the way so you can stay on top of the rest, but don't deliberately sabotage it). Treat him as a lodger who you can't wait to get rid of. Put all your energy into yourself and the children.

CouthyMowWearingOrange Sun 09-Sep-12 10:55:16

He fucked someone else while you were pregnant with his child, you took him back when he begged, and now he's cheated on you again?!

He then tells you he won't leave the house?! He is saying to you that he wants his cake and to eat it too. He wants little wifey at home looking after his DC's, that he can stumble back to after fucking the OW.

Why aren't you more ANGRY?! I am angry with this man on your behalf. angry

He is treating you like a doormat. Don't let him. You do not have to stay with someone who is having affairs.

He cheated on you TWICE at very vulnerable times - once when you were pregnant, and once when you have a tiny baby. That you know of. sad. He is a bastard.

Bluegingham Sun 09-Sep-12 11:09:04

You know, MN can be a bit "leave the bastard" when actually there are times when things could be worked out. But in your case OP, he really is a proper bastard. His love for his children is such that he'll screw someone else whilst their mother is about to give birth, reduce her self esteem to nothing, and expect to stick around and watch her suffer whilst he carries on dipping his wick. What sort of role model is that?!!
Get very angry. Imagine a man doing this to your daughter. If she grows up around behaviour like this she'll think that's normal.
His behaviour is disgusting.
And as for his parents' support, spare them no detail of the depths of his depravity. Right down to the OW texting whilst you're all out for the day.

CouthyMowWearingOrange Sun 09-Sep-12 11:09:42

The courts will set contact days around his hours. If he can't or won't rearrange his work hours on those days (the courts now ask to see proof that they have asked for flexible working around the proposed contact arrangements AND have been refused by their employer before accepting work hours as a reason for not having defined contact arrangements, as long as you insist on that).

If his employer has refused flexible working to allow set days off, in writing, then the court will arrange practical access around his work pattern.

I will say, the courts probably won't stop you from moving 60 miles away, unless he applies for a prohibited steps order. If it is less than 100 miles and he can drive, a PSO is unlikely to be granted. However, the court may well say that you have to do all transport. Or at least half.

He really is being a controlling bastard, isn't he? He won't leave the house, he doesn't want you to move back to your home town because it might affect his contact with the DC's (which would be a direct consequence of his cheating!), he doesn't want to pay maintenance, he doesn't want to lose his cosy little life, despite the fact that it will erode your self confidence and make you feel shitty, he doesn't give a crap about you, only him, him, him.

Get legal advice, pronto.

ENormaSnob Sun 09-Sep-12 11:13:05

You need to grab your self respect and accept this marriage is over.

You are worth more.

He is a cunt.

CouthyMowWearingOrange Sun 09-Sep-12 11:19:06

Do his parents know that he was out with the OW until 2am on your due date? I would tell them everything. If they still choose to withdraw their support from you, then they weren't very supportive in the first place. And you don't need people like that around you when you need support.

He really IS a proper bastard, OP. he cares so little for you that he was out shagging someone else when you were due to give birth. If he didn't want to responsibility of children, he should have stuck a condom on the end of it. You can only choose NOT to have responsibility for your children BEFORE you conceive them. Once they are here, it's tough shit!

He will have to pay 25% of his income to you as maintenance, for 3 DC's. He will have to have contact with them. He is going to have to fork out quite a bit to pay for somewhere he can have staying contact with 3 DC's.

He cares so little about his children that he would mess their primary Carers head up by fucking around when they are tiny.

And how the HELL is this your fault? Did you hold his dick and stick it in someone else? No? Then it's not your fault!

You are perfectly reasonable about feeling lonely while he was away with work, you can't go out and see your friends leaving 3 small DC's home alone. YOU felt lonely too - YOU didn't respond by shagging other people, did you?!

B1ueberry Sun 09-Sep-12 11:19:25

I really agree with Custard.. It may break your heart NOW to think of the children going to his/their place overnight but please please INSIST on it. NOthing will dampen the glamour of his childfree passionate affair like three children that are his responsibility. It will enable YOU to get on with your life, which you can't face now, but seriously you will want that.

CouthyMowWearingOrange Sun 09-Sep-12 11:22:33

When a man tells you what he is really like, listen to him.

He is telling you that he doesn't respect you, he doesn't care about you, or your feelings, and waggling his dick at anything that moves is more important to him than you or his children.

Listen to what he is REALLY saying.

I'm sorry your marriage is ending like this, OP.sad

B1ueberry Sun 09-Sep-12 11:25:32

ps, I agree with the poster who says, imagine somebody doing this to your daughter, or to your friend!!

He wants his freedom!!! but he managed to get you pregnant with his FOURTH child, sandwiched between two different affairs?!

Omg, what about YOUR freedom. Seriously, you need to make him take his kids as close to 50% of the time as you can manage. What an absolute dickhead he is. ALl the freedom and all the independence has to be his, you stuck at home with FOUR kids would be curtailing his freedom?!?!?! you are WELL shot of this 'man'.

BalloonSlayer Sun 09-Sep-12 11:32:14

"I just don't know how to show him that he's. Making the hugest mistake of his life."

This is really telling. Because, right now, he isn't making a mistake. OK his actions are appalling, cruel and wrong. But from his perspective, what is his mistake?

What has gone wrong for HIM because of his actions?

Lets see . . . what has he got because of what he has done? He has a wife who loves him, two children, another baby on the way, a wife to shag, an other woman to shag, a home, someone to do his housework and look after his children, a wife to tell him she is sorry that he needs to shag two women instead of one.

The only way to show him that he is making a mistake is to MAKE what he is doing into a mistake. Make it go wrong for him. Make him leave. Seek legal advice. Tell the OW she is welcome to him. Tell your families.

Tell him that he has broken your heart but you will get over it, and in time find a new man. This is absolutely true by the way.

BalloonSlayer Sun 09-Sep-12 11:33:58

Sorry three children, not two and another on the way.

NotDavidTennant Sun 09-Sep-12 11:47:55

What gets me is that he had obviously decided to separate from the OP but held back until he could get one last shag out of her before he dropped the bombshell. Utter, utter scum.

ErikNorseman Sun 09-Sep-12 12:01:14

Jesus love he has really fucked up your self esteem hasn't he? you are not responsible for him cheating on you
You are apologising to him for pushing him into fucking some other woman? Yeah fuck that. Come on! He betrayed you, he fucked another woman, told her he loves her, this is all on him.
He may end it, he may regret it and be sorry, but right now he's treating you like a mug.

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