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He wants to separate

(587 Posts)
McBuckers Sun 09-Sep-12 02:06:43

My DH and I have had a rough couple of years. We live far away from family and close friends and he has a job that involves working evenings and going away for a couple of nights a month.

We have three children - 6, 2 and 3 months. About 10 months ago he had a brief fling with someone he works with. I told him I wanted to end the relationship and he begged me not to. We carried o and went to counselling and things were fine for a while.

Our third child was born in April and things were good for a few weeks but then I started to feel that things were going wrong again and that there may be someone else. On Tuesday night I found a message in his phone. From him to a woman he works with saying that he loved her. It turned out that he had slept with her twice the previous week.

On Thursday night we had a long talk. I can see now that in many ways I have pushed him away for fear of getting hurt again and that he has gone to someone else for that love and affection.

That night we made love - he instigated it and then immediately afterwards he said he wanted a separation. I texted the OW and begged her to please leave him to think about the situation and about our family. Pathetic I know, but I was desperate.

He asked for some thinking time and he stayed away all last night to think about things. This morning her came back and said that if we were to have any sort of future we needed to be honest with each other. He was acting in a very kind and conciliatory way - saying to our baby "daddy's been very silly" and he took us out to lunch and we had a fun day with the kids. The only blot was that he was getting texts from this woman all day and each time he got one he became more distant.

When the kids went to bed we talked, I again apologised for the mistakes that I have made in our marriage but he refused to listen, said that he'd been miserable for years and that he wanted to separate.

He said that he doesn't want to move out as the house is half his and he can't afford to pay half the mortgage and rent somewhere else. But he does want to separate. I know in my heart that we can turn things around and be happy but he doesn't want to listen.

I can't bear the thought of losing him and the thought of sharing custody of the children and breaking their hearts is too much to contemplate.

I don't know whether to force him to leave so that he will (hopefully) miss me and the kids (though obviously this would also give him more time to spend with the OW) or to try and keep hammering home the fact that we could be happy if only he would live me another chance.

He won't even let me cuddle him. I can't eat or sleep and I can't talk to m y friends about it because they all think I should have left him the first time he strayed.

I just want the opportunity too show him how much I love him but he won't let me.

Tortington Sun 09-Sep-12 02:18:17

from my POV i wouldnt even entertain this man. however i would drive home the absolute certainties about his resonsabilities as a parent - ant how his other woman might consider this a fun time - and he might also - however this means that if they become serious inany way - he willstill have the same responsabilites. as a parent he still has 3 kids and he can have as many wild fuck fest s as he likes but they will always be there. that he cannot and should not stay in a house with you and carry on other relationships as this is emotional abuse.

you should tell him you will sell the house
you will have a life
you will carry on
you will meeet and fuck other men

you see they forget that actually you are a fuckable person
you should remind him as his children will get to know a step mother
his children may also know a step father - who in the most likely of circumstance is going to be far more prominant in their lives

and you will get far better fucks
tell him that if not true

this is a drama predominantly based around him - oh joy how lucky for this man to have so many women begging for his attention.

tell him to shit on the pot or fuck off - grow a spine and get on with tlife without him - his is an absolute catagotic definition of a fucking shit

McBuckers Sun 09-Sep-12 02:35:45

Thanks custard.

When we spoke this evening I kept saying how sorry I was, I never really saw things from his point of view before. After the first fling I wanted him to fight for me and for our marriage. I wanted him to do all the running and to prove his love to me. I realise now that I should have done more to show him how much I still wanted him. I pushed him away and straight into the arms of someone else.

I don't think the relationship with the OW is that serious. I know that he thinks he loves her but it's only been 2 weeks since they started a physical relationship. I've known him for 10 years and I think he's looking for an escape from the boredom and stress of family life.

I want to be completely honest with him, if I told him I wanted a divorce or to sell the house it would be a complete lie - because I don't.

I just don't know how to show him that he's. Making the hugest mistake of his life.

OnlyWantsOne Sun 09-Sep-12 02:49:00

Op he isn't making a huge mistake of his life, he's MADE the huge mistake by having an affair. It was his CHOICE to, please do not live by the idea that YOU should have stopped him by doing x & y ... He's behaved terrible & now wants to stay in The marital home with you presumable maintaining the role as care giver for his children whilst he is free to carry on with the OW. where does this leave you? How can you cope with that? Move on from that? How long does he think it would be acceptable?

He is tryIng to have his cake & eat it!
Tell him to grow up. And tell him to leave!!

Charbon Sun 09-Sep-12 02:54:20

I'm sorry for what you're going through and you must be devastated, but I can't emphasise more strongly that you are approaching this in completely the wrong way. Your husband has been unfaithful with two different women in the past year. Now he wants to check out from your marriage, but wants all his home comforts and assets to remain intact. The only reason he's doing this I suspect is because the current OW doesn't have a home for him to live in.

I think you're also taking the wrong approach in blaming yourself for 'driving him' to this second infidelity. It was understandable that you had some defences in place after the first betrayal, but it's likely that regardless of how you'd been with him, he would have still been unfaithful again as soon as an opportunity arose.

Have a think about how much respect you would have for him if you'd had an affair, he forgave and took you back, you were caught out yet again, told him you wanted out but expected him to support your lifestyle while you continued having sex with an OM.........and he was apologising to you and begging you for another chance? Would you seriously respect him if he did that? Would it persuade you to stop being unfaithful and commit to your marriage?

Even if he did give up the latest OW and agreed to try again, he would have zero respect for you and what's more, your own self-respect would be at rock bottom.

For the sake of your own self-respect and dignity, I suggest you tell him that you will not live with someone who doesn't want to be in your marriage and who intends to continue sleeping with other women while living under your roof. It would be a terrible relationship to model to children and your response to it will teach them that women are doormats who put up and shut up.

So I'd ask him to leave and I'd consult a lawyer about your rights.

differentnameforthis Sun 09-Sep-12 02:59:00

Your withdrawal is NOT an excuse for him to have an affair. DO NOT believe that! He got caught shagging someone else (twice - this isn't the first time) & is now trying to make it all your fault. Nice!

Other than that, I agree absolutely with custardo. He leaves her, or he leaves the house. Why should he get to stay & (no doubt) have you run around after him, clearing up after him, buying & cooking his food etc, when he is shagging someone else! As said before, it is emotional abuse & bloody tortuous for you! He knows you want him to stay/make a go of it, so while he is at home you will be doing your utmost to make him see that & you will become his cleaner, his cook & eventually, he will start sleeping with you again because he wants his cake & he wants to at it to. He knows all this. He knows that you will try super hard to keep him. And he will be loving every minute of it.

Sorry, OP I know you are hurting but by doing what he wants you are letting yourself be taken for a ride, getting walked all over & you my love are the only one who will come out of this in a worse state than when you went in.

differentnameforthis Sun 09-Sep-12 02:59:45

I pushed him away and straight into the arms of someone else


izzyizin Sun 09-Sep-12 03:21:00

Custardo speaks the truth according to the tried and tested gospel of this board.

Dry your tears, stop clinging to his ankles being a doormat, and wise up.

The only thing you need to hammer home is exactly what Custardo, in their infinite wisdom, has advised you to tell him and add that, as you have no intention of letting him have his cake and eat it, you are going to be consulting a lawyer who specialises in divorce and family law with a view to divorcing him for adultery.

Seriously, honey, you don't need this duplicitous shit and his crap but if you are insane want him, you're only going to get him by playing hardball with his balls

McBuckers Sun 09-Sep-12 07:15:42

Well I've aaked him to take the kids out for the day so I can get the ball rolling in separation.

I'd like to return to my home town where I'd have some support and help with kids.

Would I need his permission to move the kids 60 miles away or can I legally just do it? He said if I tried to do that he'd stop me.

His irregular hours means he would always have difficulty in looking after the children for specific days every week. He said we would need to work together to overcome this ie. i look after the kids whenever he wants me to. Obviously I have told him that I am not accepting that.

TheProvincialLady Sun 09-Sep-12 07:23:14

Ugh, what a disgusting excuse for a man. Having affairs while his wife is pregnant and trying to blame her for it.

I advise you to STOP doing his cooking and washing straight away. Now that you are no longer a couple, why the hell should you? And you are absolutely right to refuse to accommodate his wish to carry on his life exactly as he would like to while you give up all chance of a life or a career. Moving 60 miles away shouldn't be a problem - I doubt very much that he can stop you (and how like such a man to threaten to...), but do make it an absolute priority to see a solicitor and DON'T tell him anything from now on, as he will use it against you.

DharmaBumpkin Sun 09-Sep-12 07:52:10

<Disclaimer : I am not a lawyer>

When my DH & his ex broke up, she moved 80mins drive away with his DD. His solicitor said that if it was less than a three hour round trip & she could show that it was in the interests of her & DD, it was unlikely to be challenge-able in court.

I don't know if that's true, as he decided in the end that if if made ex-W happier it was likely to be best for DD.

You are best off talking to a solicitor I think.

BalloonSlayer Sun 09-Sep-12 07:59:54

Get to a solicitor ASAP.

I'd recommend pointing out to your H that you can't dump your wife and young family and leave them without any support, then stop them moving to where they have support. He needs to understand that separation/divorce/fucking other women means that he does not have any say over you any more. You will be the primary carer of the children, he will not. That's what divorce is, and divorce is what HE has CHOSEN.

To "His irregular hours means he would always have difficulty in looking after the children for specific days every week. He said we would need to work together to overcome this " I'd suggest you say: "Well we can leave that for the court to decide,"

Please DO NOT think this is your fault. He is trying to have his cake and eat it. The sex and then telling you straight afterwards he wanted to separate is cruel in the extreme... just remember that whenever you start softening towards him/

BalloonSlayer Sun 09-Sep-12 08:01:49

I want to be completely honest with him, if I told him I wanted a divorce or to sell the house it would be a complete lie - because I don't.

I just don't know how to show him that he's. Making the hugest mistake of his life.

The only way is to kick him out and see a solicitor "about divorce." I can assure you that a solicitor will not let you proceed with a divorce unless you are sure, but your H does not have to know you are not sure. But kick him out you must.

Markingthehours Sun 09-Sep-12 08:16:27

Right - you've got the day, presuming he has agreed to take the DC out.

Get all your paperwork together: rent/mortgage stuff, wage slips, marriage certificate, passports, birth certificates, bills, bank stuff, credit cards etc. Can you get some cash out to tide you over?

Line up a choice of 3 solicitors to call tomorrow for an appointment.

When he comes back ask him to move out for a few days so that you can both have some space and time.

OnlyWantsOne Sun 09-Sep-12 08:26:03

Make sure you don't leave the marital home. Do not move out. Make him leave. When you're divorced and your finances are secured THEN you can move closer to family etc. until then you just have to tough to out.

Good luck op. he sounds like a priZe manipulative wanker

Jemma1111 Sun 09-Sep-12 08:30:57

What a total utter bastard your H is , having affairs whilst you are pregnant and with other small children to look after , and then not even having the decency to take the blame and full responsibility for his actions !

And now the cheeky fucker wants to stay in the marital home with you as his cleaner, cook etc and not forgetting having sole responsibility for looking after his kids whilst he goes out shagging anyone willing ? .
You'd be mad to put up with this , as others have said get the ball rolling , kick the toe rag out and hang on to your self respect .

I would also bet that these two affairs are only what you know about , I would believe he's cheated on you a lot more than you know .

Rowanhart Sun 09-Sep-12 08:48:14

This man has little respect for you and having sex with someone else is more important to him than your family and your children. This is now a fact.

Your job as a mother is to now protect your children as much as possible from the destructive actions of this man. You need to start making financial provisions for you all. He has shown his cards. Now you need to keep yours as close to your chest while you sort the future out.

CremeEggThief Sun 09-Sep-12 08:53:57

He is a stupid fucking wanker who wants to have his cake and eat it. How DARE he treat you with such little respect?

NONE of this is your fault. Kick him out, so you can have time to think about what you want to do.

McBuckers Sun 09-Sep-12 09:02:16

Thanks for your messages. I am beginning to realise that I deserve better. I think the fact that he was out with the OW til 2am on the day I was due to give birth to our third child says how much family means to him.

Markingthehours Sun 09-Sep-12 09:06:52

McB - that is disgusting. What kind of man can treat his wife and DC with such total lack of care and respect.

You will be well rid of this poor excuse of a man.

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 09-Sep-12 09:08:31

Blimey - he is really having his cake and eating it!!

Shags with other women and yet he gets to blame you, and you still provide him with his home comforts (until OW is able to take him in) sad

He made these choices - instead of talking to you, writing to you or suggesting counselling he decide the best solution for his issues is to cheat.

The only thing that will motivate this man is LOSS.

Tell him he has checked out of the marriage so he has to leave - that way the reality of what he has done will hit him far more quickly.

Do not take the blame - none of this is your fault.

2wwmadness Sun 09-Sep-12 09:16:36

I don't want to read and run but I gotta be quick as I need to dress ds. I just wanted to say I clung to a cheating vile excuse of a man. I left when my ds was 2 weeks old. He's 17 weeks now and I'm nit gunna tell you it doesn't hurt. But i promise you, from the bottom of my heart, it hurts a hell of a lot less than living with the knob. I am worth more. So are you. Tell yourself one million times a day. Play music loud and dance with your kids. You are fantastic and show that bastard that you don't need him. You have more respect for yourself. I know how hard it is I really do. But tell yourself enough times you can do it and you are worth more and you will be amazed what you can achieve. My heart goes out to you. It's terrible this part, but in a few weeks you will be the one telling someone else that they can do it and your happy. I promise.

McBuckers Sun 09-Sep-12 09:18:39

I'm not saying that I haven't made mistakes. I can be moody and I haven't always been that supportive of the long working hours and trips away that his job demands. And instead of appreciating that his work gave us our main income I resented the fact that it took him away from us and that it often meant nights and evenings on my own. I got stuck in a rut where I resented him for not being able to see friends etc. whereas I see now that much of this was down to a lack of effort on my part. This resentment made me moody and incapable of showing him the love I felt for him.

He's still refusing to move out though. The OW does have her own place.

His family are being very supportive towards me and they are lovely people who I love and respect greatly. I'm afraid that if I kick him out I will lose their love and support. His father has been very angry with DH for his behaviour and has told him to think about his responsibilities to the kids.

solidgoldbrass Sun 09-Sep-12 09:27:04

Look, this marriage is over. If family pressure and the threat of financial losses make him 'agree' to remain in the marriage and give up his affairs, what will happen is he carries on shagging around only is a lot cleverer at hiding it, and every time you ask him to do something or get upset or annoyed with him he will play the 'You wanted me to stay, I'm still here but I don't know why I bother' card until you are a pyschological wreck. there is no way to make a man love you and stay with you if he doesn't want to, and it is far, far better to make plans for the future than to cling and beg and whine.

Get a good lawyer ASAP. In the meantime, can you move into a separate bedroom? And stop doing any housework for him: tell him that as you are no long er a couple he can cook and clean for himself, you will take care of the DCs but not him.

Markingthehours Sun 09-Sep-12 09:27:13

McB - what you describe about resentment over his work and moodiness sounds like the kind of problems many marriages have. In a normal/decent relationship these things get talked about and worked on. Only someone who wants out uses them as an excuse to start shagging other people.

HE has made the choice to be unfaithful. NOT you. HE made the choice to chat up other women, arrange 'dates', arrange nights/time away to have sex with other women. To spend his time and both your money in seeing and sleeping with other women. Time and money that could have been spent on your DC. How was any of that your fault?

He's still refusing to move out because he is a totally selfish knob. If you needed any further proof that it is all about him - you have it right there.

Try and get his Dad to help persuade him that he needs to go temporarily at least while you get your head around all that has happened.

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