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over reacting?

(352 Posts)

so for the last few months my rather antisocial hubby has started going out with a group of mates, im really happy about this as i think friendships outside the marraige are really important and healthy.
his best mate is a girl who is into the stuff he likes, wrestling, computer games ect. he goes out to watch films with her a lot and they socialise with others regualy, i have no issue with this, my best mate is a bloke (although he is gay) she has even kipped on our sofa when they went out so she didnt have to drive home. i have had no suspicions that anything other than friendship has occurred.
she is in a bad relationship, talks about it to him all the time, and seems to say lots of leading things like "my bf doesnt like my breasts, what do you think?" and that suggests to me she may be having thoughts towards him in a romantic way... i have told him that platonic friendships are great but its important not to give the wrong idea...
he assured me she didnt have thoughts like that.
i have become aware that his workmates have been gossiping about them, and that makes me uncomfortable, he assuered me it was one comment from someone really stupid and to take no notice.
well today he left his facebook open and thier messages were there, hundreds of messages, really really flirty.
he calls her sugar tits, says he needs to clear his mind of dirty thoughts of her, many messages of sexual teasing, nothing hardcore, all wink winky, things like, i'll let you dominate me, i'll lie there and take it, he replies i am dripping with antisipation (this is in reference to being beaten in the computer game, but its suggestive and sexual.)
he says, if we carry on going to see films together, people will be even more suspicious, more than normal" which means lots of people at thier work are already suss...
i text him and said, u left your fb open, and i read your msgs, sorry for invading your privacy but i am glad i did,
the level of flirting is unacceptable, and really dismissive of your wife. i feel humiliated after all the bending over backwards i did to accommadate your new mates.
i want this flirting to stop, i am not asking you to end your friendship, or cancel saturday (she is kipping on the sofa again) or to cancel the wrestling (they are going with 2 others to wales to watch the wrestling, him and her are sharing a twin room) i just want you to know the boundries and not overstep them.

he phoned and said nothing was going on, i said it doesnt matter if his penis stayed in his pants, the fact he has been texting her this means he has at least had an emotional or sextual affair. he said nothing had happened, and he was sorry for upsetting me, (sounding irritated now) i said i didnt need him to be sorry for upsetting me, that meant nothing to me, he needs to be sorry for doing it. he doesnt talk to me like that, so he needs to talk like that to someone else.
i said, if you want out of our marraige, tell me, i want to know, dont string me along, and drag it out, if you want out, just go. i wont stop you.
he said he loved being married to me and he loves our children, i said well that wouldnt change would it?
then i said i had to go and get kids ready for bed, and hung up.
was i overreacting?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 06-Sep-12 18:17:13

Not overreacting at all but why on earth did you let it get as far as FB rather than kicking Lilo Lil out when she was blatantly flirting 'my boyfriend doesn't like my breasts, what do you think?' This was happening right in front of you and you said nothing?? hmm Don't be surprised if he confesses soon that it's got physical.

You'll have to make sure he's not seeing her any more because she doesn't sound like the sort that gives up easily.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 06-Sep-12 18:18:24

Hang on a minute.... 'him and her are sharing a twin room' at the wrestling in Wales? Are you for real? hmm

Catsdontcare Thu 06-Sep-12 18:23:16

I think you are massively UNDER reacting tbh. No way she would sleePing over on my sofa OR sharing a hotel room

doinmummy Thu 06-Sep-12 18:26:22

Sharing a room ???!!!! I dont think so. This screams disaster.

AnyFucker Thu 06-Sep-12 18:31:25

you are under reacting, my love


yeah, i know, i just dont want to be the overpossesive wife. he said saying you cant share a room with her makes it sound like i dont trust him.
he is a bit of a gaslighter, and he makes me think i am being awful, when really its him that starts rows out of nowhere and when i say anything its all, wtf are you on about? i'm fine, its you thats being crazy...
am on anti d's so the crazy line tends to appear fairly frequently.
i honestly dont belive its gone any further, i really dont. i cant say why i know this, i just know.
this is bad enough for me though.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 06-Sep-12 18:32:52

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

AnyFucker Thu 06-Sep-12 18:33:59

you don't think it's gone any further ?

I do

you are being made a mug of

I would throw my husband out of the house for this. Why are you tolerating it, not least the massively inappropriate sexual flirting ? He treats you like shit.

yeah, they will not be sharing a room actually. (at least i will ask him not to no way of knowing for sure is there?)
there are another 2 guys going with them so he can share with one of them.
i just wish, that if he has feelings for her, i just want to know, none of this mucking around crap. i wouldnt cause hell, if he wanted to leave he could just leave.

Houseofplain Thu 06-Sep-12 18:36:23

My dear. Trying to be the cool wife. Is your undoing. It's turning you into a door mat whilst they fuck about and mock you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 06-Sep-12 18:36:40

YOU DON'T TRUST HIM. He was salivating all over her on Facebook and she was getting him to critique her tits over your kitchen table. You're sending him to Wales with a human mattress!!! If you don't believe it's gone any further - fine - but he'll be indulging in a very different kind of wrestling this weekend, I guarantee. You're a fool.

here we go... everytime i post asking for any kind of advise or help, or just to rant within page one i get called a troll. check out my profile love, ive been here bloody ages, if you suspect me, hide the post and jog on.

sorry, it just gets on my tits.
what do you want proof?

AnyFucker Thu 06-Sep-12 18:36:51

send him on his way anyway

the man is a dick, and you are foolish to put up with it

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 06-Sep-12 18:38:12

"If he has feelings for her, i just want to know"

Everyone reading that FB transcript knows how he feels. hmm You want him to take out an advert or something before you get the message?

AnyFucker Thu 06-Sep-12 18:38:36

I have to say if you have detailed your partner's behaviour before, I am not surprised you are greeted with incredulity every time you do it

Houseofplain Thu 06-Sep-12 18:38:41

I really do not think you are helping yourself op. if you can be so forthright on here. Why are you acting the doormat at home?

JeuxDEnfants Thu 06-Sep-12 18:39:36

Sorry OP, sounds like a horrible situation. I think he's being really unfair and she needs to go or you will...

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 06-Sep-12 18:40:32

"within page one i get called a troll."

Didn't call you a troll I said 'this can't be for real'. Disbelief. Incredulity. Amazement that anyone could be quite so dense.

AnyFucker Thu 06-Sep-12 18:43:48

OP, are you getting any kind of sense from your replies about how bad this is ?

Do you still think you should be "cool" about it ?

Do you still think you should stand by while these two rip the piss out of you ?

You may not likie the replies here, but they are damn sight more respectful of you than your fuckwit of a partner is

izzyizin Thu 06-Sep-12 18:45:28

What's that line about the wife being the last to know? Everyone else knows what's going on between them and you're labouring under the illusion that they're just good platonic friends.

He is making a complete mug out of you, my dear. From what you've said about him, it sounds as if you will be infinitely better off without this undermining, gaslighting, twunt in your life and I suspect you'll find you have no need of anti-ds.

I suggest you make it clear to him that if he goes off to share a hotel room with her in Wales, he needn't bother to come back.

If I were you I'd go one better than that - he'd return home tonight to find his bags packed and on the doorstep and he'd be told to fuck off to the far side of fuck go sleep on her sofa.

wow thanks, i'm a fool, posting this was definately the right thing to do huh?
glad to know when i am feeling down there is always someone there to kick me a little bit more...
i discovered this 3 hours ago.
3 hours.
i confronted him immidiately.
i told him it stops now, and i will be checking.
we are going to talk when he gets home from work.
i dont want to break up a generally happy family based on something i read out of context. i need more than that to break up a 6 year marraige.
its easy to dictate what you think i should do from a pc screen, its actually much less black and white and easy in real life. lots more to consider.
i am not a fool, i am rational, and trying to remain unemotional untill i get things straight.
if things persist, he will be out.
besides, our relationship hasnt been easy for him, i am hard work, and since the appalling labour and birth and pnd of dd2 i have had a total fear of getting intimate, and we have only had sex once in a good few years now... all my fault. plus the depression. if he is trying to get female attention from elsewhere (which at the moment is all i think it is...) then thats kind of my fault anyway. if he had had enough and wanted to move on, i would understand, i wouldnt stand in his way, what i dont want is to be humiliated and cheated on...

AnyFucker Thu 06-Sep-12 18:48:37

love, it's your partner that's kicking you

not us

stop blaming yourself, that would be a good start

a good partner understands when the mother of his children is struggling with intimacy...he doesn't morph into a sexually-incontinent fuckwit with other women

JeuxDEnfants Thu 06-Sep-12 18:49:41

I don't think there's any need to be offensive to OP, she is looking for support.

quite so dense... lovely.

i am not all meek and mild at home. im not, if i were i wouldnt have confronted him would i?

i havent ever posted in relationships about my marraige, i have posted about my nutty neighbours. and a dog.

love how i am having to defend myself. as if i havent enough on my plate.
sorry i forgot this is mumsnet... DONT WORRY I'LL LEAVE THE BASTARD!!!
screw you.
hiding thread.

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