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Dh will not accept that I want to split up

(353 Posts)
Pinkjenny Thu 06-Sep-12 07:55:08

i have tried to link to my previous thread but I can't seem to do it on this iPad. I told dh 3 weeks ago that I want to split up. I have told him over and over again. Basically he is following me around the house, sobbing about his kids and what he is going to lose etc etc, telling me i am destroying everyone's lives and threatening to kill himself. He keeps waking me to talk at 3am, waking me with wracking sobs etc. I have never seen this side of him before, I know it is a horrible situation and I honestly am not a bad person, but things have been terrible for so long and I just want to be happy.

Now he is saying that it is up to me to convince him why I don't love him, and explain what I want in a partner, and once he is sure he can't do that or be that, he will accept it.

I am emotionally drained and I can't go on like this. My solicitor has advised me not to leave the house, or that is what I would do.

ErikNorseman Thu 06-Sep-12 07:59:08

Is he not disturbing the children with this behaviour? He's being quite abusive, preventing you from sleeping. I suggest you get a lock for your bedroom door, then ignore all attempts to draw you in. At night just don't respond, and during the day try to stonewall him if he starts whinging and bawling. He sounds like a catch hmm

JamInMyWellies Thu 06-Sep-12 08:20:05

Morning chick,

can you be very clinical with him? Or are you being drawn into long pointless discussions? I very much understand the middle of the night thing with my exDP he woke me up one night by sitting on me naked thinking if we had sex it would all be ok hmm

I think if you ask your solicitor to write to him setting out the financial stuff now you have the job and lay out some sort of groundwork for him seeing the DC so that those things are taken out of the equation. I think at the moment he is in denial and trying to guilt you into staying.

But above all do not leave, if you do the house situation is buggered am sure it is tempting to just upsticks and go stay with your mum & dad.

Off to school but back later. Chin up. x

Thumbwitch Thu 06-Sep-12 08:25:57

Can you sleep in a different room? that might give him a massive hint.

Lueji Thu 06-Sep-12 08:43:57

Have you started divorce proceedings?

delilahlilah Thu 06-Sep-12 08:59:57

Oh Lord.... Mine wasn't this bad, but did propose when he realised it was over... hmm Then engaged in a bit of light stalking as obviously that is very appealing in a man shock
Could you say that the behaviour he is presenting is only making you more sure of your decision? That the man he is being now is the opposite to what you want / need? That you want someone who knows when to leave you alone and give you some space. Someone who doesn't try to emotionally blackmail you and put their own feelings before yours?
Just trying to think of the easiest way to put a stop to this before anything else. I would be quite tempted to keep a record of the things he says and does, because if he continues in this manner and escalates because he isn't thinking straight, it may be useful to you.
I haven't read your previous thread, but can see why this is not what you need. If all else fails, you'll have to tell him you like women now, and you're pretty sure he can't qualify grin (hope that made you smile, that's how it was intended.)
Hope things get better soon.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 06-Sep-12 09:40:40

I'd wait for him to leave the house, pack his bags, leave them outside, bolt the door and announce through the window 'now are you convinced I don't love you?'...

Clytaemnestra Thu 06-Sep-12 09:45:06

Can you move into a spare room and put a lock on the door?

cestlavielife Thu 06-Sep-12 10:03:47

if he threatening to kill himself then you take him at his word and calmly call 999 and ask for police/ambulance saying he is suicidal and needs professional help.

(no doubt his suicidal tendencies will miraculously disappear - but if not, then at least you doing the right thing as only profressionals can help someone who is really suicidal. you cannot. )

dont tell him what you wnat in a man - there is no point. just use broken record technique "it is over, you need to leave. we will sort out arrangements for you to see the children".

takingthestairs Thu 06-Sep-12 10:12:06

You might need to explain to him that you don't have to "explain what I (you) want in a partner" and that you're sorry that he can't accept it, but him saying that "once he is sure he can't do that or be that, he will accept it." is unreasonable.
It is not his decision and you don't need his permission to end the relationship.

alienreflux Thu 06-Sep-12 10:18:09

yes, the broken record technique seems to be the only way. you are absolutely sure aren't you? just checking! if this continues, and he absolutely refuses to go, then agree with pp, pack his bags when he's out and lock the door sad have to be cruel to be kind. good luck and hang in there, it will be over soon.

PooPooOnMars Thu 06-Sep-12 10:19:43

You don't need to convince him you don't want to be with him anymore. He needs to realise that. Your decision is your decision, you don't need his permission or for him to agree with you.

That said he is obviously suffering so i do feel sorry for him.

You need to be very firm i think and not get into discussions with him about it, giving him reasons which he can argue about and disagree with.

PooPooOnMars Thu 06-Sep-12 10:20:21

Isn't locking someone out of their own home illegal?

unhappyhildebrand Thu 06-Sep-12 10:38:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 06-Sep-12 10:42:02

Probably, but something's got to give. I don't know the back-story but if everyone's dug their heels and refuses to budge either because of the solicitor's advice or because they're in denial, nothing's going to change and it's going to be bloody miserable for a long, long time. Bolting him out (rather than changing the locks) seems a reasonable safety precaution if someone is threatening suicide etc.

PooPooOnMars Thu 06-Sep-12 10:43:18

How is locking him out of his home going to help with his thoughts or threats of suicide?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 06-Sep-12 10:44:33

Not that I think he's serious but quite a few these days think nothing of taking out the wife and kids before topping themselves.

unhappyhildebrand Thu 06-Sep-12 10:44:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

unhappyhildebrand Thu 06-Sep-12 10:45:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thumbwitch Thu 06-Sep-12 10:46:36

By the sound of it you are still sharing a bed with him, or at least a room - this is of course going to send him mixed messages, so either you or he needs to move rooms at least.

PooPooOnMars Thu 06-Sep-12 10:47:00

Imagine if it were a woman . . .

My dh says its over and Im devastated! I've been trying to convince him to not give up on us and have even told him that i feel suicidal. Today i came home and he's locked the door! Just like that! I own half that house but i can't even get in. I have no where to go! Where am i going to sleep tonight?!

You'd all say he was an arse and to call the police because he legally couldn't lock her out of her own home. Police turn up. It all gets more messy.

SorryMyLollipop Thu 06-Sep-12 10:47:16

Could you get a third party to tell him? He might believe them. My STBXH only believed/understood me when the relate counsellor kept telling him what I had been telling him, "you need to move out!!"

Mine did a lot of sobbing too, and waking up in the middle of the night with wracking sobs saying "please God!, Please God!" etc. It was horrific. That was nearly 6 months ago, he is happy with a new GF now! Who wudda thunk it?

AitchTwoOhOneTwo Thu 06-Sep-12 10:47:43

i know someone in a similar position... it's weird... if they DON'T want to split up, how can they possibly think that sitting on your bed sobbing is going to quicken your heart enough to make you want a life with them? bonkers.
i suppose it would be wrong to suggest that space might allow you to think throuhg your options and whether you want to split up, so could he please move out if he wants any chance at all?

PooPooOnMars Thu 06-Sep-12 10:49:47

Not that I think he's serious but quite a few these days think nothing of taking out the wife and kids before topping themselves

I see. Although that is still relatively rare. It always makes the news when it happens which is why we hear about it so much, not because the majority of dumped people go on to kill.

Op. What do you think? Do you think he might be a risk?

Taxicat Thu 06-Sep-12 10:54:35

Why would you not want to try to save your marriage? Go to counselling, try 'dating' each other again, anything. People simply give up too easily. Yes, I realise its been hard and not working for a long time, but maybe this is the spark to get it back on track.

Give the guy another chance.

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