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May have just demonstrated I'm a nutter

(51 Posts)
lilachair Wed 05-Sep-12 12:15:02


Have been sort of seeing this man for 6 weeks. Met him on a dating site. It's all very slow burn, which I think I wanted. But texts every day quite a bit and seeing him once or twice a week for dinner, movies and very good sex

He always goes home after. Won't stay over, but actually now I know that's not his thing I'm ok with that. I like my own space too.

Usually get a text when he gets home, thanks for a nice evening, that sort of thing. Last night, nothing. Granted it was about 1am. So I text him. Nothing. Woke up at 3, still nothing. Was a tiny bit worried he had crashed his car on way home or something, so sent another, just 'hope you got home ok'.

Saw him updating Facebook this morning and sent a 'did I do something wrong' message. Want to unsend it! Argh. I promised myself no angst this time.

He has replied with 'just got your messages... etc' and I have now compounded my stupidity by telling him I panicked a bit and am a natural nervous wreck.

He's going to run and hide isn't he? And he's right. Damn.

OneOfMyTurnsComingOn Wed 05-Sep-12 12:16:39

Are you sure he's single?

lilachair Wed 05-Sep-12 12:18:49

Yes, very, I've seen his facebook and twitter, know where and who he works with and vaguely know a couple of his friends. I understand the question though.

OneOfMyTurnsComingOn Wed 05-Sep-12 12:19:46

Or dating someone else from the site? Sorry got to ask sad

MadBusLady Wed 05-Sep-12 12:22:18

Erm. What is the reason he gives for not wanting to stay over? Because unless it's "I have a rare nervous skin condition that prevents me from sleeping in contact with another human being" that is a bit weird. Maybe as a one-off if he had an important early start the next day, but going home every time? After six weeks? hmm

You sound like you weren't ok with it to start with. Maybe you were right not to be.

lilachair Wed 05-Sep-12 12:22:24

He says he's not seeing anyone else. I think I trust that. I've also told him I'm not seeing anyone else. But we have not really had The Conversation about that.

Are you thinking maybe I'm not the needy nutter and it might be him? confused

VintageEbonyGold Wed 05-Sep-12 12:23:22

Sounds like he's had his cake, eat it and is brushing off the crumbs.

You can do better than that, what arse leaves straight after sex if thats's not all they're after????

Set your boundries for what you want and if he doesn't agree or negotiate a compromise then walk away.

Sorry you're going through this though.

lilachair Wed 05-Sep-12 12:23:49

The sleeping over thing is an OCD thing. He is just not comfortable. I have to respect that? He is in the middle of moving and says I can stay at his when he is settled.

MadBusLady Wed 05-Sep-12 12:24:43

Even if he is single and it's all above board, it sounds like a bit of a non-starter really. I would feel distinctly under-cherished if I was being shagged and then left for a wife cup of cocoa, and I'd probably seize on the occasional texts as crumbs of comfort and get a bit panicky when they didn't turn up on time too.

lilachair Wed 05-Sep-12 12:26:44

Bugger. This is the first one I've really liked since it all went tits up with my husband a year ago. Thought I was ready. Arses.

juniorant Wed 05-Sep-12 12:29:49

I don't think you behaved like a nutter but ... I would play it pretty cool for a bit or he might think you are one :0)

OneOfMyTurnsComingOn Wed 05-Sep-12 12:31:10

Yep. Take a step back. Wait for him to contact you.

MmeLindor Wed 05-Sep-12 12:31:31

Its not you.

If you are happy with having a companion and occasional sex date, then that is ok, but if he isn't ready to stay over after 6 weeks, then I would say move on.

Cool off a bit, and see how he reacts.

Numberlock Wed 05-Sep-12 12:32:22

There was another thread on here recently about a woman who had just started dating someone who didn't like to stay overnight. (In her case, though, the man couldn't drive so she was having to run him home in the early hours.)

I don't see any problem with this per se, you have some male company, nights out and good sex which is what you say you want. Unless he is literally putting his coat on the second after he's ejaculated, it's OK in my book for him to go home.

'did I do something wrong'

And, sorry, nothing good can come from sending a message like that, it would get my hackles up if someone said it to me. I'm never sure how to reply! At best, you could have just come out with a breezy "Morning! All ok? Glad to see you got home safely" and see what he comes back with. It's only been 6 weeks.

Next time you see him, how about casually starting a conversation along the lines of how do you both think things are going so far and get some kind of idea of where he sees it going, if anywhere?

He is in the middle of moving and says I can stay at his when he is settled.

When is that likely to be?

lilachair Wed 05-Sep-12 12:33:55

Right. I'm going to go and have a bath and stick my phone in the kitchen drawer. I'd be disappointed if it did fizzle. I mean, it doesn't appear to be the romance of the century, but those things have never gone well for me either. And he is very sweet and funny and interesting.

Is not staying over even an OCD thing? Anyone?

NCForNow Wed 05-Sep-12 12:36:03

I see a problem with not wanting to suggests a lack of commitment to intimacy.

I think sleeping all night together is part of what makes the difference between a shag and a relationship. Sorry.

MadBusLady Wed 05-Sep-12 12:36:33

Well, I am a cynical old mare, you may not want to take any notice of what I say. smile

Assuming it is OCD, could he perhaps be making more of an effort to make you feel good in other ways? You don't sound like you're particularly happy or confident about where you stand with him. Assuming you're not being a needy nutter (and I don't really think two texts and a FB message is that nutty, personally) it's hard to know whether that's because he's a dick or he just isn't thinking through his somewhat detached style of relationship building.

lilachair Wed 05-Sep-12 12:37:56

I know that was an incredibly stupid thing to text. And normally my rule is exactly that, breezy as hell. But I had had about 5 mins sleep (not because of this, because sometimes I just don't) and was feeling emotional. MUST think before send. Usually my rule. Guess my frustration took over.

He's moving over this week/ weekend.

Numberlock Wed 05-Sep-12 12:39:13

lila Just try and relax about it, staying overnight isn't the be all and end all, whatever anyone says. You're over-thinking it. If it was only sex he wanted, he wouldn't be taking you out to dinner, cinema etc.

Keep busy and wait and see what happens. And don't contact him!

(Did he reply to your FB message by the way?)

racingheart Wed 05-Sep-12 12:40:41

Hmm. I jut don't get men who run a mile the minute you behave as though you actually care about them as people, rather than just as a date. You are being normal. He isn't. But ease off maybe. Why would you date someone who makes you feel needy for daring to check they got home safely? Raise your standards. Expect more from a man, like, erm, emotional maturity and good manners enough to thank you for your concern.

lilachair Wed 05-Sep-12 12:44:38

Right. relax - I'm trying! Thank you.

I guess I'll have to wait and see on the staying over thing.

I didn't FB message, 3 texts last night/this morning. One from him after my 'did I do something wrong' (It was better than that it was 'Ok, I don't want to be stakly but are you ok? Just you normally let me know you got home --then the stupid bit--)

Then when he answered I compounded the stupidity by trying to explain I panicked blush

Nothing since. 4 hrs.

MadBusLady Wed 05-Sep-12 12:47:22

Good post racingheart. My life got so much simpler and more fun once I stopped going for that type. There's so much to do in life other than worry about when they'll next call/whether you called too soon. I can hack the playing it cool stuff for a few weeks, tops, after that I want to know whether we're sticking or twisting (oo-er).

Numberlock Wed 05-Sep-12 12:47:34

I jut don't get men who run a mile the minute you behave as though you actually care about them as people

How was he run a mile? It happened less than 12 hours ago! Presumably he got in late, went to bed, got up and went to work?

Please stop checking your phone, analysing the texts, how long it is since he replied etc, you'll drive yourself mad.

What did his reply to your text say?

Numberlock Wed 05-Sep-12 12:48:27

He's moving over this week/ weekend.

Well that's good then, you will soon know if he's genuine about you staying over at his place.

MadBusLady Wed 05-Sep-12 12:51:55

Oh, he texted you back after the "did I do something wrong?". I didn't understand that. Well, that's not so bad then. If he hasn't answered your subsequent explanatory text, maybe he just thought it was a natural end to the conversation.

Assume the best, but don't make the next contact, I guess. If it's a blip, you'll soon know. If you regularly find yourself expending energy on this stuff, I'd get rid, but that's just me.

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