Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Gay husband, what are the signs? is there are script?

(61 Posts)
complexo Mon 03-Sep-12 22:34:11

Wondering about my exH. Even thought he married again and had a child.

NatashaBee Mon 03-Sep-12 22:43:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

likeatonneofbricks Mon 03-Sep-12 22:50:41

I think you are talking about bi- husbands, seriously gay men do not marry several times, they might once if they want children but the the sex stops straight after. Bi's can be very hard to guess, especially if he is a good liar actor.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 03-Sep-12 23:04:51

I've known three men that were married with kids but came out as gay subsequently. Two had a lot of similarities i.e. camp manner, bad tempered at home, life and soul otherwise, and deliberately had jobs that took them away a lot in order to meet men. The third not. The one thing they all had in common was a tendency to low moods/depression and a lot of self-doubt and confidence problems... understandable if someone's suppressing their real selves too much.

complexo Mon 03-Sep-12 23:22:08

Ok. At uni before we got married his friends did do some jokes and rumours about him showering with other man after a match....I took it as a joke. When drunk he would have a slightly camp manner and eventually he stopped to drink. He was very athletic and very much worried about his body and fitness. He would opined too much on my outfits, hair make up and even nails I got the sense he was playing dolls with me. He needed lots of female iends and was a serial cheater and I wondered if he needed to self assure himself of his masculinity. He made friends with one guy once they did a job together it was a bit secretive and strange he wouldn't talk about it much. He was desperate to have a child with me I didn't give him one he went on to have one with OW. Yes bad tempered at home, life and soul otherwise, a bit of self-doubt and confidence although would hide well.

pinkredandpurple Mon 03-Sep-12 23:27:40

but was he like as a lover? surely not patient, and not really enjoying himself? if he was, he's not gay, but bi while predominantly hetero.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 03-Sep-12 23:41:07

One night when a bit pissed, one of my gay friends (and this was before he came out) ruefully described sex with his wife as follows.... 'I can go all night and never climax'. He said it was mechanical rather than pleasurable for him.

complexo Mon 03-Sep-12 23:43:59

You mean making sex?? I remember fists time we had sex he was taking glimpses at the TV which made me really upset as he pressurised me whereas I wanted to take things easily. Funnily I can't remember much I think was average. I remember one particular day when relationship was bad that after climax he pushed ny body away almost as in disgust but I put it down to him not to be in love with me anymore. During our last sex making after we agreed to go separate ways he whispered in my years he would never forget my p***y. He would do oral sex no problem.

pinkredandpurple Mon 03-Sep-12 23:53:02

hmm, I find it hard to believe that a gay man would enjoy giving oral to a woman. the rest of what you say does sound like he wasn't into it much. Did you ever ask him?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 03-Sep-12 23:57:25

That sounds like a combination of bad manners & laziness rather than someone who's gay. BTW... 'making' sex? confused

annh Tue 04-Sep-12 00:01:29

Does it really matter now if he is gay? He is your exH and you didn't have children together so is he in any way in your life now?

complexo Tue 04-Sep-12 00:09:27

It does matter because I'm still hurt but a lot of things that happened when I was with him and still trying to understand a lot. Oh and pardon my english - not 1st language.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 04-Sep-12 00:20:28

For your own peace of mind, stop trying to understand him. There isn't always a rational reason why someone treats other badly and you can waste a lot of time trying to find one. He's gone from your life, he's someone else's problem now and, once you stop looking backwards, you can take the opportunities to improve your future.

complexo Tue 04-Sep-12 00:28:22

Thanks.

turnedexgay Tue 04-Sep-12 12:25:10

I posted last week about my recently ex husband spending his weekends in gay bars now we're not together, I should have worked it out before but he was with me to have kids and was never really into me in the way he should have been. We have kids and possibly might just be having another in a donor manner although that's all in the discussion stage right now.

The fact my ex is happy now and is the nice guy I new all those years ago makes me feel sure that his issues with me were actually issues with himself and I can't feel hurt by that really.

In your position i would try not to think about it really, he's moved on and so have you. what he's like now although interesting is not something you should be wasting time thinking about. YOU should be your focus now smile

complexo Tue 04-Sep-12 18:02:02

Thanks again would be nice to know the problem wasn't entirely me and I know there is someone really nice hiding there. Mind you he always said to everybody I was the only person in the world who could understand him and whom he felt safe to open up and be himself yet I always felt he wasn't been 100% himself nor open...working hard on moving on since 2005

DruAnderson Tue 04-Sep-12 18:14:41

Op if you have been separated that long he has married and had another child, and are still this bothered by him I would suggest some counselling or something.
I am not saying anything is your fault, but you really need to be able to draw a line and move on.
It shouldn't matter if he is gay or not. Good luck.

complexo Tue 04-Sep-12 19:50:25

Yes I know. I'm married again and jhave a child myself. Being trhinking about counselling forever just never take the initiative. [Blush]

Yogii Tue 04-Sep-12 20:02:17

I'm surprised you care. Let it go.

DruAnderson Tue 04-Sep-12 21:52:49

Tbh if I was your dh, it would bother me that you are obsessing over your ex. Take the initiative.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Tue 04-Sep-12 23:18:12

I know someone with 3 dc whose husband was gay. He had her holed up with the kids in a house in the country while he stayed a lot in a flat in London belonging to a family member. He was pursuing a secret gay life, and later came out and now he's got a male partner. She was completely blindsided but I don't think their friends were.

mathanxiety Wed 05-Sep-12 01:55:13

I had this experience. There was lots else besides the gay thing going on with him (including narcissism and a horrible temper) but that played a major role. There are lots of misconceptions about gay men, bi men, etc, some on this thread.

Many gay men hop from woman to woman. It's not always about begetting a child. Some are serial users of women, whether to convince others they are straight or to convince themselves. Many will guard their secret as if it was the crown jewels, because for them the secret is the name of the game.

OP if you want to take a look at a support forum, I have PMd you.

You really would care. You really do wonder if it is you or him. It can be really soul destroying to realise you were used and every single day of your life with him was a lie, and it does a number on your concept of yoruself as a woman. Conversely, knowing it was him and there was nothing you could do about it -- while it does not give you back the time you wasted and yo still feel like the idiot going around with the KICK ME sign on her bum -- can give yo back your sense of self worth, after you have got through the anger and found a life where you are appreciated fully for yourself, every square inch of you.

My ex landed a GF a good while before we separated. He had several stringing along for a while, all with the same name funny enough. The one he settled on was into theatre in a big way as a performer, and through her he has access to lots of other theatrical people. He was never nice. Even without coming across the gay porn we would have ended up divorcing. He is not happy now. He is still as angry as he ever was.

expatinscotland Wed 05-Sep-12 03:01:24

But he is your ex h and now you are married and have children. Why so concerned?

Maybe yes he is gay. Maybe he never wanted children.

Are you still close friends? Even so, so what?

I agree, get counselling because honestly, it appears to be making too big an effect on your life just now.

mathanxiety Wed 05-Sep-12 05:05:34

It is so important to know, because in every way a gay husband will let you know that you have a flaw that can't be remedied but in most cases you will never be told that that is your flaw. The flaw is that you will never have a penis. You could go around for years wondering what it is that is so wrong with you that you cannot make your partner happy; this man who proclaimed his love for you and made plans to live with you, maybe even took vows and made promises to you - what is so wrong with you that you can't make him happy? It's something that eats away at you, sucks the life out of you and destroys your confidence in yourself as a woman, knowing you are somehow 'not enough' for a man who says he loves you. To recover, you really have to know if he is gay -- either by finding a smoking gun or deciding that the preponderance of evidence points that way that you can accept.

It is different from being married to your common or garden twat. Gay twats have their own very special way of inflicting a very particular sort of pain.

IME.

mathanxiety Wed 05-Sep-12 06:39:22

To answer your question on the script. Yes, there is a script. You can find it rehearsed on sites where men swap tips on deceiving partners. There are sites that will show up in his History as 'Sports Talk' or other innocuous-sounding names.

'This is not what it looks like'.
'I was just curious'.
'It was just once'.
'It doesn't mean anything'.
'I think I may be bi'.
'We are just friends/colleagues..'.
'It was a work trip'.

But that is upon discovery of an affair, discovery of an active and promiscuous sex life with other men, interest in gay porn, or confrontation about the horrible relationship (if you are very persistent and force some sort of admission). Before then there are constant subtle and not so subtle messages to you that you are not enough, that there is something not altogether attractive about you.

'You are crazy'.
'You are oversexed'.
'I have an early meeting'.
'Again?'

There are many ex partners of gay men who suspect that the term bisexual refers to a man who just hasn't yet found Mr Right. Or alternatively, that so-called bisexual men are just one woman shy of being gay.

It is the comprehensiveness of the lie you may have been told that means you absolutely need to know the truth.

[[http://a_musing.blogspot.com/2007/10/four-former-wives-of-e'Bi Gentleman' that I think is a heap of self serving hooey. Many of the other posts illustrate the EA, the psychological abuse, and the sexual abuse (as in, rejection and no sex). And there are the reminders that the gay partner has a lot of stuff of his own to deal with.

<spits nails>

Is integrity too much to ask for in someone?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now