Im feeling worse, not better.

[2wwmadness]

Some people will know the back story. I'll fill you in quickly;
Stbxh Feveloped adding problem when I was 36 weeks pg. the usual, love you but not in love with you. Expected ow. He denied, It wa all horiffic, I had just moved to a city where I know noone and was very alone. I had ds, he still wasn't coming home, still funding hotel bills, still spendin thousands (no exaggerating) on booze. I filled for divorce and have been living with my parents since ds was a week old, he's 17 weeks and wonderful.
So, I'm about a week away from moving into my own house 3 hours away from my parents but in my home town. Stbxh and I have been horiffic, it's gone from us trying to be friends, to him admitting seeing someone else, lying to me, finding her stuff in our family hone, stopping seeing our son (he want to see him in a contact centre) and only contacting me via email. This time last year we were so happy, I cant even tell you. It's been so quick.
I'm finding it hard, the thought of leaving my parents and the "end" of it all I guess. Stbxh moves out of our family home tomorrow, I don't know where he's going to.
I feel like I've failed, in returning to my home town a divorced single mother on benifits, when everyone else is getting married and buying property and having children (in 26, got married at 21) I have realised in going to be very lonley. When ds goes to bed at 7. What am I supposed to do? Im struggling toget over how he could do this to us. I don't miss him, I have no respect for him and im ok, in just in shock and miss what I thought my life was. It was all so sure, we secure and it's gone.
How will I meet a new partner? How will I ever move on. I feel like everyone's got their lives and im a spare part. Im terrified. I feel worse now than the day I left. The dramas over, it's the realisation this is my life

[2wwmadness]

Sorry for the spelling, on my phone. Developed a drink problem *

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You've got my sympathy and admiration. Takes huge guts to do what you've done knowing this was what lay ahead. It may not feel that way now but you've shaped the rest of your life for the better. When the dust settles and you feel less shocked you will regroup and start making that new life for yourself. I say that confidently because you've shown yourself to be determined, resilient and resourceful already.

A tip.... don't assume everyone else is better placed than you. They may be married and buying houses but you know better than most how it's possible to look like everything's peachy when it's falling apart behind closed doors. For all you know your friends may be looking at your independence with some envy.

There are a lot of advantages to being a single parent that you might not appreciate just now. Takes effort to recreate that social life - I find entertaining at home is easier than booking babysitters, for example - and don't worry too much about a new partner. Get to know your baby and get to know yourself first. Good luck

[MonkeyRisotto]

You don't say whether you're in the UK or not, but if you are, there are a number of support networks for single parents. Have a look at <a class="break-all" href="http://www.gingerbread.org.uk/" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">www.gingerbread.org.uk/ and www.singlewithkids.co.uk/ (they run single parent holidays, but have an active forum with local meet ups www.singlewithkids.co.uk/single-parent-forum.html )

Seriously, don't think about finding another partner now. It's much more important to focus on yourself. I've seen a number of people go through hell because they're desperate to pair up again, and those who take the time to heal and rebuild before considering a new relationship seem to have a far happier future.

[ToothbrushThief]

2ww - it will get better

Being a lone parent does make life hard in some ways. I'd echo what Cognito says about assuming others are happier. Married and affluent does not always equal happy and people often project an outward appearance to deny what is really going on.

Many of my married friends were incredibly interested in 'how' I got divorced. Almost like they were doing research/putting feelers out. I sensed envy at my move.

There is good and bad. I have met and date a guy who has given me some very fantastic memories. I do however live alone and put DD to bed and sit alone most nights. I hesitate to imagine ever sharing my life/house again because I enjoy my autonomy, my independance and my freedom.

I work. A juggle at times, but I'd really recommend planning a career or job or something. It will improve finances, get you out of the house and give you some adult company. Your child is still young so this is a long way off for you but no harm in thinking ahead.

[2wwmadness]

Thank you (and for puttin up with the spelling mistakes!) I am in the uk an I will use those links. I guess in worried that I will become a "man hater" I have two other singlemum friends and they hate men, always see the bad in them don't want a relationship bla bla bla and i don't want that, I also am a bit concerned that ds will have "dad and step mum and step siblings" at his dad and I won't be good enough, it's ridiculous I know as he is weeks old and in imagining years ahead, it's just all been so bad so quickly I expect it to be like that, because I had no idea it was gunna be like this.
I guess it will be better when ds can talk and we can play and do stuff, it's hard coz he is amazing, but lacking in the convo skills!
The pressure of not failing him is huge

[ToothbrushThief]

You will have to accept things you never planned. You will adjust and all your fears will subside.

I'm not a man hater but I'm wary of them and struggle to trust. That's ok.

Your DS will love having step siblings possibly...but may also hate having to share time and space. You will never be usurped. Ever.

Many parents crave child free time. Try and view those times as a positive and make them special and about you

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I've also been technically single for a long time but am not a man-hater in the remotest sense of the word. Love men. Just a lot more fussy than I used to be :) A major motivation is that I'd rather stay single and give my DS a stable, happy childhood than admit someone into our lives who messed it up. I also used to worry that I wouldn't be 'enough' for my DS but that doesn't seem to apply either. He knows I'd take a bullet for him...

[Anniegetyourgun]

You don't have to have a relationship just to prove you don't hate men, you know. Your DS is going to be a man some day and he will be lovely, because you will have brought him up properly.

I have four sons, a brother and several male friends who are all ace. I haven't dated anyone since divorcing XH four years ago; not because all men are horrible, but because I don't want to put myself into that emotionally vulnerable situation again. I might one day, for the right bloke, but right now I don't feel the need and maybe I never will. (Plus I'm too lazy to run a relationship on top of a household and earning a living. It would eat into valuable hobby time!)

[barmygirl]

2ww - sounds like it must have all been a terrible shock...but it also sounds like you're v tough and strong and the situation in the long-term will work out for the best.
As cogito says, definitely don't compare yourself to others as we tend only to see the positive 'face' that people want us to see/what to show us, and who knows how things really are.
Positives: you're young, you have a supportive family, a lovely child and you escaped a bad relationship early on.
Definitely take time for yourself and your DS and once you're in a better place, you'll have the confidence to start a new relationship if you meet the right kind of man.
Maybe join a few groups or go to the local library to find out about social activities for you both/you?

[2wwmadness]

Thank you everyone. It's so raw and so much happened so quickly and at a time when I was vulnerable. I know I'll get through it and generally I'm ok. It just doesn't seem real. I don't know why it happened to me. I can't see what I did wrong and he says I didn't do anything?! I don't think about it much. It's just a bit scary and in rl I'm brave and fearless and don't let on how scared I am. Take each day at a time. Which is an improvement because I was taking each 5 mins at a time initially!!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

The only thing you did wrong, most likely, was pick a duff bloke. The whole grisly business of being dumped from a great height, discovering the truth about your ex, moving house twice, having your baby, filing for divorce... it's all happened (if my maths are right) in the space of five or six months. Some people couldn't deal with that much stress in a life-time!!!! So yes it's not just a bit scary it's totally bloody awful and, since you're not crumpled in a heap on the floor with the scotch bottle right now, you're a true survivor. Hats off from the the Cogster.

My lovely friend has a cod phrase for every occasion and she'd say to you now 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger'. She's often right.

[TheNorthWitch]

I remember the sense of responsibility was overwhelming when DS was a baby but it became more manageable once I got into my stride as a parent. All you can do is your best! You have been thrown in the deep end right at the start but you will learn that you can survive and thrive on your own.

You don't have to be a man hater but being a little less trusting is not a bad thing IMO (some men are worth a watching) especially when DCs are involved.

[2wwmadness]

Yea 6 months ago I had a different life. I know I'm gunna love my one, it's just this bit in the middle that's been tough!
I'm gunna look after myself for a bit. I'm not looking for a relationship. I'm gunna really learn who I am. In proud of myself, in proud of my son.
I need to find hobbies. What do people do?!