can a man learn how to become more affectionate? please give me some advice.

[amibeingfair]

Dh has got many really good qualities. He sorts out car, house, bills etc., is a good dad, is kind, very handsome. I adore him and fancy him a lot. However, he finds it really hard to show any affection to me. Left to him we barely have a peck on the cheek all day then when we go to be he pulls me to him, feels one boob for a few seconds, a quick feel down there then is ready for sex. Actual sex is good and luckily he lasts a while giving me time to get turned on so i always orgasm, but usually have to fantasise.
Recently i have been being really affectionate to him during the day and felt a bit better, but last night i tried to kiss him while we were both naked having a shower and getting ready for bed. He basically said i want a shower, get out the way, what is the matter with you recently you are being too demanding and it is annoying.
I feel really hurt, unattractive and don't know how to make him show me the affection i crave. I also feel like not being at all loving to him just to see what happens. He apologised later and said he finds it hard being affectionate. Every so often he buys me flowers which he thinks solves all this, but i don't want flowers, i want him to show me he wants me physically.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Yes he can and should learn. You are not a machine with an on/off switch to be activated when it suits him. You are a human being for whom affection from a partner is a basic expectation.

How to make him show you affection? Tell him it's not acceptable to be treated like a sex toy, that you feel used rather than loved and explain very clearly what you want to happen instead. Don't agree to sex until he shows affection... that's the only way to get the message across.

[amibeingfair]

I don't think he intends to treat me as a sex toy, though i suppose i get no more affection than one.
He grew up in a very strict religous household with a lot of stress. His parents are very prim and proper - have never even held or cuddled our dc (age 8 and 5.) So i think he may be repressed. If i ask him what he wants to do in bed he says he likes what we do and can make no suggestions for anything else.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

The lad I knew from a strict religious household was anything but repressed :) Went out of his way to be as un-prim and un-proper as possible, in fact. Doesn't always follow.

Don't ask him what he wants to do in bed because he has no idea. You're going to have to take the lead but you need to flag up what you're doing well in advance in order to avoid another awkward shower incident. Tell him you're going to be showing him more affection and you need it to be reciprocated or there is no future to your relationship. Bit heavy-duty but he has to know you're serious.

Start with the normal teen stuff that he seems to have missed out on ... cuddling on the sofa, holding hands in the street or across a table, kissing in public, pinching bums when doing washing up... whatever. Pick your moment, start small, expect a few rebuffals (but not too many) and take it from there. If he loves you, he'll run with it.

I'd suggest counselling but it's probably his idea of hell to sit about chatting to a stranger about sex.

[amibeingfair]

cognito - thanks for the response. i think you have really hit the nail on the head. He hasn't had many previous relationships, and previous sex was definately lacking in foreplay.
He just phoned me to apologise about last nights rebuffal and i told him how i felt and that lack of foreplay is a problem. He said he will do more but doesn't like getting turned on in the day when dc about as he just feels frustrated. And how do i relax when he is doing foreplay, knowing he would rather just be having a shag?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's a learning process and the main thing he has to learn is 'delayed gratification'. That's the difference between great sex and a quick shag. ANTICIPATION. You need to find a way to explain why anticipation is a lot of the enjoyment - for both of you. If he's a football fan (I'm stereotyping, so sue me) ask him how excited he'd feel if he had tickets for a Cup Final a few months away. The build up in the papers, discussing it with mates, getting to the venue.... And then ask him how he'd feel if, on arriving at the stadium they said they weren't bothering with the game but having a penalty shoot-out to settle it. Massive anti-climax!!!

You can do it :)

[amibeingfair]

You are so helpful. You understand our situation so well. I really want him to enjoy foreplay.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"doesn't like getting turned on in the day when dc about as he just feels frustrated."

You have to get him to start seeing that as exciting rather than frustrating. Pin the phrase pleasure delayed is pleasure intensified somewhere prominent and make it your mantra

[amibeingfair]

Thanks for the encouragement chinley. Did you feel a bit shy showing him what you wanted? I really want to show him what i want and find out what turns him on but i am a bit embarrassed. How can i get over that?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

A glass of wine. :) Seriously, if you can't get past your inhibitions, you'll get nowhere with an inhibited man. But you have to be very clear, in advance, that if you do this it relies entirely on two-way trust and respect. As you found with the shower incident, being rejected when you've made yourself vulnerable is utterly crushing.

[amibeingfair]

Great replies thanks. I think seeing him getting turned on will definately help with any inhibitions i have. In previous relationships i never felt shy, but i am ashamed to say dh and i have been in this situation for about 10 years and i feel i have gradually lost my confidence over that time.

[CuriousMama]

Cogito I love that cup final analogy

Good luck with this. I had it for years but my exdh has a lot more issues going on. We didn't even shag! Turns out he's very confused. We're still friends but nothing could help with our relationship. He's also a fab dad and does hug.

At least he likes sex so that's a start. I hope you can slowly get him to realise you need more? Don't be ashamed about the time period, I was with exdh for 17 years. I always tried to change the situation and got loads of excuses. It's never too late. It makes you feel like a predator doesn't it? You're not, you're a normal loving wife who wants the same back.

[amibeingfair]

Yes i feel do feel like a sex crazed maniac making unreasonable demands on dh. I think part of the problem for me as well is that you expect men to want to grope you and i feel rejected that he doesn't. Worse still, i always make an effort with how i look - i lost the baby weight, wax my legs and bits, etc. but he really doesn't let me know if he appreciates it or not which isn't great for confidence.

[ImNotCrazyMyMotherHadMeTested]

One thing I have read a LOT on this forum is about women (mostly) getting frustrated that affection seems always to lead to sex and sometimes they just want physical affection.

Can you tell him this - that sometimes you just need physical contact (not necessarily sexual) to feel close to him?

Also about him learning from his family - my folks would not be the most physically affectionate either, in fact we rarely even kiss or hug hello or goodbye (we do love each other though!).

However I have a lot of friends who hug and kiss all the time, and I think I've picked up this from them (i.e. non sexual affection) so if I am in a relationship I want hugs and kisses!

So if he has learnt no physical affection from his family, he can unlearn this, I think - so long as he is prepared to do so, and the only way you can get him to this stage is to talk to him about what you need.

It may be easier to start with the day to day shows of affection - if you can get that going you will feel closer to him and hopefully be able to deal with the sex part more comfortable.

[CuriousMama]

I remember near the end of my marriage, I was sitting in the sun house and could see into next door's kitchen. The husband went behind the wife and grabbed her, swung her round and they kissed. I felt mixed emotions, so sad for me and so happy for them.

Please never feel it's you. I did that but now I'm with dp (who's like the dh above) I know it was never me.

Do you go out with friends? Have any hobbies outside the home?

[amibeingfair]

Thanks for replies. Yes i have really good friends who are all ironically jealous of my relationship with dh as he looks after me really well in a practical way and treats me very well. We have really frequent sex (at least 5 nights a week,) but no foreplay or previous affection.

[CuriousMama]

Wow you have more sex in a week that I got in a year with exdh!

Glad to hear you have good friendships. I bet they don't know how you feel about this though do they? I never fessed up until the end.

I have a good feeling about you and your dh. Have you tried getting a self-help book to read with him? He really needs to hear you. It's ok appearing to listen, but is he actually hearing what you say, how you feel?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Try having sex less frequently.... back to delayed gratification. Trade quantity for quality.

[amibeingfair]

No i've never told anyone before. Everyone thinks dh is perfect and he is in many ways. It is a real relief to chat with people who actually understand even if it's not in RL. i was wondering about a book too, or those cards with different sexual positions on them though i don't want to scare him.
We really do need to talk. I have raised this stuff before, but not in a direct way, so i don't think he realised it was an issue at all. Silly thing is we talk about everything else and any other issues we sort out before they get too big.

[CuriousMama]

He probably feels shy/embarrassed or any range of emotions. Just take it gently with him.

Have you asked to be blindfolded? Might take away some pressure from him? Or write him a note/text and say what you fancy doing to him? Tie him up and stroke him with feathers, let him taste stuff, anything to take the onus off him? He may like it?