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Relationships

stupid fucking ex, and stupid fucking me...

46 replies

A37 · 02/09/2012 11:06

I'm SO MAD...

Xs day to have kids today. So he turns up at 930am, which is fine except we never know when he is coming..I've given up asking, he wont give a time...and sometimes he doesn't turn up at all.

He moved out of the family home 3 months ago into a bedsit, where it is unsuitable for kids to go for over night stays.

He arrives and sits at the kitchen table talking to a friend on the phone Angry I offer to put some snacks etc in a bag so he can take them to the Rugby Club-season starts today, dd1 plays. He doesnt want to go to RC because it is 'raining' (it plainly isnt, but not worth arguing) so I go upstairs....half hour later he announces he will take them to rugby!! so, big rush to get kids dressed and bag ready. He burns them some scrambled eggs and tries to feed it to dd2 in sitting room, in front of TV. I tell him that is useless; he needs to turn tele off and sit them at kitchen table, plus I dont want a food mess in sitting room. He rants about how I try to control him....kids wont eat burnt eggs Hmm I make some toast Angry

he announces he will bring them back after rugby at 12pm! Fucking 1.5 hours 'quality time' with their dad in over a fortnight!! Angry

THEN his friend arrives to give them a lift...they have gone in his car WITHOUT car seats dd2 under 2 years -dd1 will be ok

I am so Angry Angry Angry Angry Angry

It all happened in a bit of a chaotic whirlwind, and I was unable to stop them

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Guiltypleasures001 · 02/09/2012 11:10

If he wont turn up on a set time, dont answer the door, if he brings them back before set time, arrange to be out. He will get the message at some point, dont let them get in to a car without car seats it is illegal.

Get a solicitor to put it all in writing

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BlackberryIce · 02/09/2012 11:10

2 little children going to rugby?

Also, why is he in your home? This is awful. I sympathise though as it's not easy.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/09/2012 11:12

Time to formalise things through the courts by the sound of it. Fixed times and days for access... arrangements made well in advance. Makes it less flexible for everyone but reduced his chances to mess you around.

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ComplexityAndFecundityOfDreams · 02/09/2012 11:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Guiltypleasures001 · 02/09/2012 11:13

Dont let him in, then he cant do scrambled eggs, take control of your home, he is crossing the line.

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FairhairedandFrustrated · 02/09/2012 11:13

Arse! I'd stop contact purely because of the car seats until he can prove he's responsible enough to have them.

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Offred · 02/09/2012 11:15

My sympathies he sounds just like my ex. Sad

There's a number of problems here and things you could do.

A. He does not see them if he does not commit to a stable and regular contact.

B. he does not take them in other people's cars without car seats or he does not see them.

C. He does not come into your home. It is not your problem if he hasn't got a home he will take them to.

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A37 · 02/09/2012 11:45

thanks for replies everyone

I knew he was going to be difficult, so I had braced myself for some of this. I'm not completely sure he does it to be difficult-he is a really really chaotic person

So, I thought letting him in the house would be nicer for the kids...dont like the thought of shovelling them out of the door at him. But am getting to that stage. However, it is difficult to be ready to be able to do that if I dont know when he will be arriving! I thought him coming into the home, kind of buffers his uselessness for the kids-we arent sat at the window, coats on bag in hand ready to go...

i have been scared up to now, to give him an ultimatum because Im pretty sure he will just stop seeing the dds, and say I am being too difficult...

as far as i understand you cant legally formalise child care arrangements-i cant force him to come? Can I?

He will not be taking them without car seats ever again...i will be ready for that next time. They were ensconced in the back seat before I realised and he refused to get out, friend drove off....dd1 crying about it Angry Angry

blackberry what do you have against kids at rugby? Confused

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BlackberryIce · 02/09/2012 11:51

Well it sounds like him and his mate have gone together, the dc being an afterthought ( kind of proved by the car seat issue)

It isn't child centred is it? It's not time with them and also sounds like he is dropping them back home straight after..... So he can go to the pub?

Or is it s match one is playing in and he is supporting his child? Have I read it wrong?

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imonthefone · 02/09/2012 11:54

yes, misunderstanding blackberry - DD1 plays rugby, it is a practice session for her

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Offred · 02/09/2012 11:55

Unfortunately if he is shit you won't do them or him any favours by covering it up I think.

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imonthefone · 02/09/2012 11:56

friend was on his way out, somewhere else; just picked X up as a favour

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imonthefone · 02/09/2012 11:56

offred I cant bear for them to experience how shit he really is Sad

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BlackberryIce · 02/09/2012 11:56

Ah I see, sorry!

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A37 · 02/09/2012 11:57

name change fail Blush

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Offred · 02/09/2012 11:59

If you don't give him a chance to step up he definitely never will. You will not be able to sustain the effort it takes to manage him as well as the dcs and your own life forever. Plus the dcs will never learn to be able to cope with the reality of who he is which once they reach a more independent age, they will learn for themselves anyway.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/09/2012 11:59

If he stopped seeing the DDs for a trivial reason like being asked to turn up on time, that doesn't say much for him as a father. Your DDs deserve parents that are prepared to put them first, not someone that treats them as an inconvenience. If he can't do it voluntarily, get the legal system to enforce it.

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BlackberryIce · 02/09/2012 12:00

Arrange to meet him somewhere so he has to turn up and can't start cooking!

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Offred · 02/09/2012 12:00

No, you can't make him come. He has to take you to court for access.

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A37 · 02/09/2012 12:00

Im going to contact the lawyer who dealt with the divorce, on Monday I think....

can the legal system enforce his contact though?? Confused

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Offred · 02/09/2012 12:02

I have decided it is going to be better for the dcs to learn to cope with my ex whilst they are young and able to do it in a controlled and safer way. I do not want them learning about him out of our home as teenagers.

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BlackberryIce · 02/09/2012 12:03

No, he can't be forced,

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BlackberryIce · 02/09/2012 12:03

Is he paying maintenance?

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Offred · 02/09/2012 12:04

If he doesn't stick to a contact order they will make another a few times, in the end they will wash their hands of it. It may end up with no contact. Parents with care and their dcs in your our position are really at the mercy of a waste of space NRP like this I think because we can be held in contempt of court for refusing to allow contact but they can just not bother and face no consequences.

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NCForNow · 02/09/2012 12:05

Never mind....how awful....I feel so much for you. Sad I do hope it gets better soon.

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