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How do you know for sure that you should leave?

(431 Posts)
Apty Sat 01-Sep-12 21:59:21

Relationships are full of good and bad. What do you do when you are confused about the balance and how bad it really is?

My instincts tell me to leave sometimes, and then at other times that seems like the worst thing to do.

Do you reach a point when you know?

Coconutter Wed 05-Sep-12 07:52:29

What has happened frida? Why will you not see them very often?

CoteDAzur Wed 05-Sep-12 08:01:58

"I will have to go back to the UK to get a divorce, the kids could not come with me, at least not in the short term. "

Please get legal advice before you do this. I'm not that familiar with US divorce laws but these rules are kind of universal:

(1) You can only get a divorce where you legally live. Not where you are both from (except maybe if you both agree), and certainly not where you used to live.

(2) Leaving your kids now for months would look like abandonment and would count against you in custody proceedings

And from what I remember, New York divorce courts like to give custody to one parent rather than give equal (shared) custody.

Please get legal advice before you move away for several months right before your divorce. Good luck.

fridakahlo Wed 05-Sep-12 12:11:39

As far as this article goes, you can get divorced back in England, even if you have been living abroad. My stbxh has researched as well and his findings agree. The reason I am moving home sooner rather than later is because my visa in the US is dependant on being married to my spouse, so as soon as I am not married ti him, I will have to leave the country.
I'd rather do it now, so that I can start hetting myself established in the Uk.
The plan in regards to the children is that they stay with stbxh for the time being, so that their lives remain (relativly) stable.
I have, as of last night, got verbal agreement from my stbxh that he will not apply for a green card and therefore will mive back to the UK when his visa runs out.
Obviously, I need to talk to a solicitor about what could go wrong in regards to that and what recourse I would have, should the situation arise that he does decide to stay in the US.
He has been talking about getting a divorce on grounds of 'unreasonable behaviour', with the behaviour coming from both sides. Again I will have to discuss with a solicitor the implications behind that.
Stbxh has said that I can stay here until things are finalised but, again, I really want to get on with finding my feet in the UK.

fridakahlo Wed 05-Sep-12 22:07:36

Where did everyone go?

joanofarchitrave Wed 05-Sep-12 22:11:56

I'm not sure you can cite unreasonable behaviour on both sides - I could be wrong though.

UK divorce always based on irretrievable breakdown, one of the facts you can prove is unreasonable behaviour, but AFAIK one partner has to be the plaintiff proving unreasonable behaviour on the part of the defendant. However, you can decide between you which way round that will be; in my case, my lawyer said there wasn't much in it in my case (we had no kids) but she would usually advise being the plaintiff as it gave slightly more control (I didn't take this advice).

Clearly you need urgent legal advice.

AnastasiaSteele Wed 05-Sep-12 22:20:19

I used to miss him when I wasn't with him in the honeymoon period. Then things changed and when I wasn't with him, I was happy, relaxed.

I pray to god every night that he will leave or that I will find the strength once and for all.

I'm not even religious. But out loud I beg for this to happen sometimes, pray for a nice life.

fridakahlo Wed 05-Sep-12 22:29:34

Any ideas on how to go about getting some while I am still in the states? I have been thinking about starting a thread. in divorce and separation. Guess I should probably do that, aye?
Anastasia, it has been a long, horrible painful process that still is not finished but it is already a hell of a lot better now that the light at the end of the tunnel is there, dimly in the distance .
Is there one small thing you could do, just a tiny step you could take to start the ball rolling?

joanofarchitrave Wed 05-Sep-12 22:33:14

Yes, another thread sounds good.

I would talk to a family law specialist firm urgently and ask for a referral to a UK equivalent, I think.

onanightlikethis Thu 06-Sep-12 11:43:55

I'm in the same situation. Lovely man just not right for me. Emotional affair with someone else. Told him I wanted to leave but now am full of regret guilt and wondering if I should stay for the kids.

solidgoldbrass Thu 06-Sep-12 12:05:40

Thing is, we are all still told in various subtle and unsubtle ways that women exist for men's benefit. That it's a woman's duty to look after, please and service Her Man domestically, emotionally and sexually. There simply isn't the same expectations of men to 'work at' relationships, consider their partner's feelings, change their behaviour if it is making the woman they live with unhappy - or frightened.

I tend to think that a lot of women in crap relationships don't leave soon enough: if a man considers you less than human and inferior to him he's not going to change so bin and move on.

Athendof Thu 06-Sep-12 16:39:44

Frida, when is your stbexh planning to comeback to the uk?

I really don't want to scare youbut by leaving the children behind, much more so in another country, you are putting yourself in a very very vulnerable position.

You should know by now, that if he chooses to apply for a green card you can't do anything about it, if you leave the country without your children and your ex decides to stay in the US permanently, you will find it practically impossible to recover them. Sort custody order first otherwise, if things go nasty, you are in deep trouble.

fridakahlo Thu 06-Sep-12 17:07:22

He will never deny me access and if he does choose to stay in the States, then so be it.
Anyway I have emailed nine solicitors today, am just waiting for a response.

fridakahlo Thu 06-Sep-12 17:11:15

He has said that he will work the remainder of his visa (four years) in order to be able to use company funds to be re-patriated.
He recently joined the quakers, so if those values mean anything at all to him then I'll be able to take him at his word.

Athendof Thu 06-Sep-12 20:26:17

Have you agreed for thr children to be away from you for four years??? Blimey, sometimes I don't understand people... hmm

Athendof Thu 06-Sep-12 20:31:32

BTW, what if he meets some one else and have more kids? Would he leave them behind to come and return to you children he has been parenting for four years without much involvement in your part?
It is not going to happen, it won't be fair on the children.

fridakahlo Thu 06-Sep-12 21:27:23

Athendof, would you pm me please?

Athendof Thu 06-Sep-12 22:24:09

I'm sorry Frida. My first reaction after I left my ex was to want to take a flight home asap, I'm glad that I didn't, as tthis can have serious consequences, have a look at the Reunite website to get an idea of the battle you may have ahead of you if you leave your children behind.

fridakahlo Thu 06-Sep-12 22:53:41

Really, Athenhof would you pm me please? I would you but I think you have it turned off?

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Thu 06-Sep-12 23:43:10

I know this thread's gone a bit quieter, but I wondered if I could join.

I've started various agonised threads of my own over the last couple of years.

Reading this so many of you could be me.

My husband's a good man, and a good dad. He's also crap at communicating, passive aggressive and makes me feel like shit. I've been so unhappy for so long. I had an emotional affair with someone a few years ago. It nearly destroyed me. It was very 'innocent', nothing was said, it was all tentative, but I fell in love with someone else and I think he did with me but I will never know now what it really was.

Like Feck I feel I want to hide away in my own home, even from my kids. My world got smaller and smaller.

We finally agreed to separate in February, but we are still under the same roof. A house has been bought for me, and I'm trying to sort it out to move in. I feel tortured with guilt. Dh's business is currently going down the tubes and I feel so awful for him. I'm sure the limbo of the last few months has been awful for the kids as well as dh and me. But I'm the only one who really wants things to change and I can hardly bear the responsibility.

I'm terrified of being on my own as well. And I have mh issues and a toxic mother who thinks I'm being a bitch breaking up my marriage.

And I know that feeling of not knowing if you are unhappy/bad mother because you are in a crap marriage, or if you are just like that anyway. I'm 41 and I've been really unhappy since I was in my early-mid thirties. I just want some happiness but have no idea how I can find it. I struggle with thoughts of suicide and I feel like I'm damned if I stay and damned if I go.


fridakahlo Fri 07-Sep-12 04:21:42

Tired, your in the worse bit now, waiting to move forward but still, in a way, able to stop it and wandering if you should.
Your stbxh's buisiness is nothing to do with you and while it is crap that it is not going well, ir's not your responsibilty to fix.
See Solids post further up. It makes sense, in this sort of situation.

fridakahlo Fri 07-Sep-12 04:23:09

Oh and if you're having suicidal thoughts, go and talk to a doctor, ASAP!

Inyourhippyhat Fri 07-Sep-12 05:12:29

I decided we should try to stay together until DD2 (then 3) was 18. I lasted three years and realised that I couldn't face another 12. What happened after the split was traumatic. Be careful what you wish for...

SmallSherryforMedicinal Fri 07-Sep-12 10:24:02

Tired I know exactly how you feel. Exactly. I'm in your shoes, except broke & no house to go to

Apty Fri 07-Sep-12 10:47:16

Tired - try and trust yourself a bit. If this relationship has been making you unhappy, then some space and time WILL make you stronger, think of all that space in your head to think about what's important to you instead of managing someone else? you have the house, you're getting there, sounds like you've not got much further to go - I know it's terrifying but you've been really brave to get this far.

Hippyhat - what happened?

Athendof Fri 07-Sep-12 23:06:09

Message sent Frida

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