Will turn nasty and messy

[bexsybooboo]

Have been a lurker for some time and have finally found the courage to post.

Not sure why I'm posting but needed I think to write things down and get some advice.

Have been with dh for 16 years. At first there was some dv to me but I put it down to us being young and after a few years this stopped.

We now have 2 dc (1 dd 13yrs and 1ds 5yrs).

For a few years now I walk on egg shells so as not to antagonise dh as he can get angry but verbally it has come close to physical but he has controlled this. It doesn't happen every day but at least 2 times per week. Usual routine is I will say something and apparently say it wrong then he speaks to me in a way that I feel I've done something wrong or will start shouting. I try to diffuse the situation as I dont want to make him angry so rarely shout back and usually apologise straight away and say to him I didn't mean to say it or say it in a way he says I have. He will continue to go and usually yes I will end up with tears in my eyes. When this happens I get told I'm acting a victim and end result is it is my fault it's happened.

I have tried being strong and not answering back but not backing down just bein string and holding my own but this doesn't work and he gets angry with him saying 'that's right turn it around blame me' which isn't what I'm doing I'm just trying to stick up for myself.

Last year I tried so hard to talk with him an tell him this wasn't healthy or good for either of us and I felt it best he left. Not one of my best ideas. He told me in no uncertain terms that if I was the one not happy then I could leave but I was not taking the kids (it was worse than this but don't want to go on and on and make this anymore long winded than I am). Needless to say I'm still here as I cannnot and won't leave my dc.

I am at a point where I am so desperately unhappy and was going to wait till my children were much older to leave so they were settled but I don't know if I can do this everyday for at least another 10years!

I am scared of telling him again and scared of what will happen. He won't go or if he does will take my children if not on the day he wont return them when he has them visit him (we seperated 8yrs ago and he wld not return my daughter once). The other sad truth is I feel guilty he will not have a home or anything and it will be my fault. His family will also get involved and god it will be months of nastiness and worry about dc and I'm not sure I can deal with emotionally.

I think it's all irrelevant as he won't go and he won't let me take children and I feel that will be it I will have to stay, I can't walk away from children. I just want to do what's right for all I us and do it in the right way not by doing a moonlit flit which would really escalate the situation but also mean walking away from mine and the dc's home which also the thought of hurts.

Would it be so bad to stay and wait for dc's to be older I've done it for 3yrs being unhappy and putting a face on it and like I said he's not like this everyday just 2/3 times per week.

Sorry it's long and I've rambled but needed to write down and get out my head. Sad truth is I could write so much more.

[mummytime]

How old are your children? Are you in the UK?
I would suggest talking to Women's aid and a solicitor, the CAB may also be able to help.
You can separate, you don't have to let him keep the kids. You have a right to the family home for you and the kids. He is being abusive. You can't blackmail someone to stay in a relationship, relationships are supposed to be built on love not fear.

[cece]

I agree speak to womens aid or one of the refuge places. Your H is being abusive to you. They will help and you the children escape his clutches and help keep you all safe.

[Offred]

Yes it would be so bad. Your dd and ds will become more at risk if not from him from learning about relationships from you, the problems are only likely to get worse over time for you and your dd is at a really important time in her life for relationships.

There is help - women's aid and the law can help protect you from him and the effects he has had on you.

[SoDesperate]

Please contact Womens Aid.

I stayed :( It really messed up my kids. I doubt my son will be able to have a good relationship with his partner having witnessed the way my 'D'H treated me. And as for my daughter, she believes it is normal to be emotionally, mentally and verbally abused. And that is all my fault.

I wish I had had MN years ago. I am still struggling to get out of this relationship but I have at least found the courage to do so (thanks to all the wonderful wise women and advice on here).

So many wasted years with someone who really couldnt care less about me and I will never know what it is like to be cared for and cherished :( :(

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Abusive, bullying men often use the "I won't let you take the kids" line on such abused women like yourself to keep them in their hole. Its totally and utterly untrue, its an empty threat designed to subjugate and control. He doesn't want the children really, such men only care about and think of their own selves. he uses the children because they are truly your weak spot. What a nasty piece of work he is. Why am I not also surprised to read that his own family are nasty as well?.

Talk to Womens Aid; they can and will help you here. This is no life for you or your children to be witnessing; how would you feel if they ended up in a similar type of abusive relationship?. We after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. Also your children won't thank you for staying within such a relationship either and if you did would perhaps wonder why you put him before them. Do not live a lie for them, give these children a good legacy rather than a damaged one marred by years of abuse at their dad's hands.

Now after some years of domestic violence he has now moved on to emotional abuse (with undoubtedly the unspoken threat of physical violence if you do not comply). Do not kid yourself that the children don't hear it all either, they see the unspoken tensions between you two. What do you yourself want to teach your children about relationships here?. Their dad has certainly imparted damaging lessons to them but you can stop this damaging rot and further emotional harm to them. Its up to you, you have a choice re this man.

Put yourself and your children first now; show them that it is okay to walk away from an ongoing abusive relationship like yours. Enough is enough. Staying within an abusive relationship benefits no-one.

Sod him re not potentially having anywhere to live. That shows how much he has conditioned and trained you to accept his domestic violence and emotional abuse. He has never showed any real concern for you as a person, you are to him his domestic slave/inconvenience.

Once he is gone from your day to day lives I would suggest you enrol on the Freedom Programme course run by Womens Aid. I suggest that as well as such abusive men can take years to recover from.

[bexsybooboo]

I will post again today but right now I can't as crying at the reality of it all now I've said it out loud.

I'm not making excuses for him but he does have good parts and says he loves me and I don't want to make him sound awful to everyone if you met him you would think it was me imagining it all.

Sorry I will reply properly later and thank you for posting. The sad truth is your advice is what I would give someone else in the same situation so why can't I take my own advice!

[bexsybooboo]

I feel a coward at the moment not having the strength or the balls to tell him again to leave.

I am in the uk. I work ft and am just so tired at the moment. Like he said it doesn't happen everyday so perhaps I am using it as an excuse to want him to leave as I just don't love him any longer.

The sad truth is I'm not scared of it being just me and the dc and know I can do it on my own with them it's having the strength to tell him again and then see it through.

[tallwivglasses]

Oh bexsy you need a big ((((hug)))) is there anyone in real life you can talk to? Your h is a big, cowardly bully and none of this is your fault. He doesn't love you because he's incapable of love. You are a possession to him and probably that's how he sees your dc. What kind of a life is this for you and dc?

Talk to women's aid and start squirrelling money away. Keep posting. Lots of people here will help you x

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"I'm not making excuses for him but he does have good parts and says he loves me and I don't want to make him sound awful to everyone if you met him you would think it was me imagining it all".

I can see no redeemable features at all in him. The only good out of your relationship are the children. Nothing else is good about this.

You need to remember as well that a users like your H can be very plausible to those in the outside world. These men only love their own selves, He does not know the meaning of the word love.

Do yourself and your children a huge service by getting this man out of your day to day lives. Seek legal advice now and put the wheels in motion to separate.

[Offred]

I can tell you for sure I would not think you were imagining it if I met him. That is a symptom of abuse. People who know about abuse, have been trained or been through it find it so easy to spot they can leave you spinning thinking "how can they know all this about me?!"

Of course he has redeeming features, of course you love him. Neither of those things cancel out the bad.

[bexsybooboo]

Have to put brave and okay face on soon as he is due home from work.

I need to sort this but so scared as I know it will kick off and know it will be if you're unhappy go but not the kids and I'm not emotionally brave enough to walk out the door without them or attempt to take them with me! It would be a hell of a fight and argument.

I just wish he would see what this is doing to us. He must know I'm not happy sorry sound selfish there but he must and why would you stay knowing that?!?!

God I need to shake off and get over my feelings of not wanting to be the bad guy and upset everyone and everything but that's what I do, I make sure everyone is okay and happy but me. I do this at home with our families and at work and know nothing different.

I do put my kids first I know it doesnt look like it but I do but this is so hard.

[CremeEggThief]

Please, please start making plans to leave this man as soon as you can. You and your DC deserve so much better.

Contact Women's Aid and the C.A.B., and find a family law solicitor who offers an initial consultation free, or at a reduced/fixed price. It might be helpful to take a list of your most important questions along to focus your mind.

Good luck!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You're so frightened of this man that it's skewing your judgement. He literally beat you into submission at the start of your relationship.... DV is not normal in young partners.... and you've been acting out of fear ever since.

Of course he sees what this is doing to you, because it is deliberate. He knows that you don't want to upset people or split up the family. He knows that your natural instinct is to put your needs last and others' first, so he is using that against you. And of course he is capable of being nice to you when it suits. That's how all abusers operate.

Putting your kids first means putting yourself first. It is not selfish to expect to be treated with love and respect by your husband - it is a basic right. Nothing damages children more than growing up in a household where the mother they love is miserable, scared and oppressed. They will feel powerless to protect you and that can be very difficult for children to cope with.

Do talk to people close to you and tell them what's happening. Get their support. Talk to a solicitor about your rights in the event of a divorce. Talk to Women's Aid about next steps and the help available. Stand up for yourself and your children. Good luck

[Offred]

Change starts in the mind my love. Bit by bit take the power and control back in your mind, make yourself strong. No-one goes from "shit this is bad" to five minutes late walking out of the door. Slowly slowly catchy monkey. When you leave, which you know you must, it must be forever and this is why you need support and separation from him mentally before the physical leave happens. Xxx

[Giantbonsai]

My god Bexsy, you could be me. I've just started posting too. Much the same kind of man, threats about children, sorry for himself. We have been conditioned by them to put them first, not ourselves and not our kids. This is back to front and you know it.
The advice on here is brilliant and there are are strong women we need to listen to answering you, and me.
I feel the same, if someone else was in my situation I'd find it very difficult to understand why she put up with it. But it really is hard when the tools you need to fight are the very ones that have been damaged.
The worst idea of all is that your children are likely to repeat the patterns they have witnessed.
Gather your strength. You've acknowledged what's happening, there really is no turning back.(talking to self)
Good luck
GB

[bexsybooboo]

I just hurt all over and emotionally it is so draining not just the trying to keep the peace everyday and making sure every one is okay but me but the knowing eventually something has to give.

I'm screaming inside hoping he hears me and has some respect to walk away but I know that's not going to happen.

He's home and today is the first time I think I have not made an effort and I can tell he knows but we play the same old game over and over as if all is okay when obviously it isn't. I kick myself when he says love you and my automatic pilot replies and you. I am such a hypocrite doing that and being nice to him as if we are okay, how is that fair on him?!?

Just so sad as I feel I'm wasting people's time writing and talking about it when I know it's not going to happen straight away or even soon!

[Offred]

It is ok to be a hypocrite lovely. You are saying it to keep yourself safe. You dont have to feel it in your heart and saying it to him in this situation is not "being unfair to him".

[bexsybooboo]

Today's been a tough one. I gave up putting a face on it as think am feeling so low and drained, but all that done was definitely have tension in the house so now feel so guilty for my children.

He knew today and tonight something was wrong but wouldn't ask and I still was not brave enough to say anything.

He has gone to bed now and I have taken the opportunity to write a letter to him, it is unlikely I will be brave enough to even give him that but it is so sad all of it and I know I need to make it right.

I think it's the fact it will be him shouting and telling me it's only me that's unhappy, that him and the children are fine and its me that wants to break up the family. It Will be so emotionally draining and me being the person I am will be overwhelmed with guilt especially if he has tears as well.

Well here's to another day tomorrow who knows how this is going to end if it ends

[SundaysGirl]

I think it might be wise to read the Lundy Bancroft book 'Why Does He Do That'?

When you understand that nothing you can say or do will change him and also that is is NOT your fault, you might begin to free yourself of the guilt and worry and the feeling that if only you could get him to understand he would change.

You sound so sad and run down, I feel for you. The simple fact is you cannot 'win' with a man like thism, unless you count 'winning' as being totally subjugated for the rest of your life.

[olgaga]

www.womensaid.org.uk/?gclid=CIvqx8WjlbICFVMbtAodm1oA0Q

Please contact women's aid at your first opportunity. You really don't have to put up with this situation - it's not normal and it must be horrible for your children growing up in this atmosphere.

x

[bexsybooboo]

So I have done it.

Told him yesterday and now regret the hurt I have cause my dc's and feel guilt over hurting dh. He says he didn't see it coming but I was so sure he could see how unhappy I was and how unhappy dc and he was.

I am the one with the problem so I should leave without the dc is what the current situation is.

What have i done. I should have just got on with it like I always do, I currently feel I shouldn't be happy I don't deserve it.

Can't ring anyone for advice as he is about but it's not been a great 24 hours and I know it's going to get worse. Definitely nasty and messy, he tried to pack cases for me this morning and threatened to physically remove me. I can't leave without my kids and he won't let me.

Sorry just needed to get stuff out of my head as it hurts so bad, feel so selfish which is what he thinks I am and perhaps I am.

[pictish]

Oh my word. OP please ring Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247. They will help you now.
He is wrong. You and your children will be protected together.

Women's Aid helped me in the past. They were amazing actually. Please I urge you to speak to one of their advisors.

[pictish]

Go for a walk to the park with your mobile OP. They will even ring you back to save your credit. They will help you.

[bexsybooboo]

I hurt so much for what I've caused.

[pictish]

You haven't caused it...but it's down to you to put an end to it.