Is my husband playing away or trying to???!

[twentyeightagain]

I need some help - husband working away for 18 month or so, comes home at weekends - too far for me to go to him - I'm at home with 2 under fours. He's always been workaholic so used to him being busy/away. He's a good dad/husband and does a lot when here but strange behaviour lately - new wardrobe, little digs (I have been feeling exhausted recently), forgot my b'day then went overboard over the following months. I realise it looks glaringly obvious when I read through it but he HAS been put under stress at work and is attentive. He hates his job but he is earning good money and not much work where we are. He keeps everything on work phone/laptop so I have no real need to use or snoop! I lost the plot at him the other day as I feel something is up and he said he isn't that sort of person and I should know that after 15 yrs!
How can I tell if he's just placating me to carry on with whatever he's doing or if he's telling me the truth? I have seen work messages to someone he's never mentioned to me. Just a couple - nothing personal but I just a bad feeling:(

[BurlingtonBertieFromBow]

There's nothing concrete in your op to suggest he is having an affair. The work messages could easily be just that - do you know every one of his colleagues? I would only expect to know a couple of my partner's colleagues, the ones he is closest to.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If you've been spending too much time apart, maybe go and spend a few weeks with him wherever it is he works? There can be a lot of ordinary explanations why a man might get new clothes or forget someone's birthday. Easy to get resentful or suspicious when you're left alone 5 days of the week. If you've had 15 happy years he probably deserves the benefit of the doubt and you probably need a bit of couple-time.

[Proudnscary]

Trust your instincts. That is not a veiled way of saying I think he's cheating on you. I mean it in a straightforward way - your instincts are everything.

[twentyeightagain]

Yes to all above - that's what's making it so frustrating - I can't go there because of kids. No, I don't know any newer colleagues and yes, I do want to give him benefit of doubt but there's one colleague (he doesnt mention any female colleagues at all! But I know he gets bits on a discount card for people in office both men and women and one of them I think uses it more than the others!! I just want that to be all she's using. Okay, I looked her up on fbook!! And she's a bit loose with her words - young, single or trying to look single. Favourites - men, sex and hugs!!!! He has never mentioned her and doesn't know that I've even looked on his phone. I saw the red flags a while ago but thought it was just work.

[twentyeightagain]

And do I snoop or leave alone?!!!

[Youcanringmybell]

Snoop. Your instincts have flagged up and I have yet to see anyone that feels like you do be wrong...something always gets uncovered.

Sorry - I had my instincts tell me something wasn't right and it was true.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Why can't you go there again? Are there no hotels?

[BoneyBackJefferson]

"I've even looked on his phone"
"I looked her up on fbook"

You have already started snooping

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Don't snoop. You've already accused him once and he's denied it. If you honestly think your DH is lying and spends all week shagging someone else, kick him out and let him prove himself to get back rather than debasing yourself by creeping around checking up. My DB works away from home and was constantly accused of affairs by his DW. It split them up even though there was nothing going on.

[OneMoreChap]

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 31-Aug-12 13:32:50
If you honestly think your DH is lying and spends all week shagging someone else, kick him out and let him prove himself to get back rather than debasing yourself by creeping around checking up.

and risk ending up with no marriage, no partner and having really, really fucked up.

How, exactly is she going to "kick him out"?

Oh, and if you're found snooping, you'll know that at least one of you is both untrusting and untrustworthy. If you're really unlucky, he will be too.

[twentyeightagain]

ok - Boney - at the time, I wasn't snooping - we used his phone on holiday and I scrolled up to use another number from his messages. cogito - I can't just kick him out - I'm at home with kids - we both agreed this best option while kids were small. I don't want him to be doing anything untoward but equally don't want to be wife in dark either constantly accusing!!!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"and risk ending up with no marriage, no partner and having really, really fucked up."

And accusing him of an affair isn't well on the way to doing that already?

[twentyeightagain]

arghh!!! You can tell the men's post from the ladies!!! One more chap - I am trusting and am totally trustworthy (if I emailed men - he would want to know who they were and why) but don't want to be disrespected!

[OneMoreChap]

But twentyeightagain you're not trusting.
Is my husband playing away or trying to

By all means have a look, but don't get caught, and don't pretend you trust him. If he finds out he will know you don't.

I can see why you are suspicious, but also remember his instincts will tell him something about you has changed.

Kick him out and make him prove he isn't... well, proving a negative is a bit asinine, as you'd expect.

[OneMoreChap]

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 31-Aug-12 14:55:35
And accusing him of an affair isn't well on the way to doing that already?

Compared to trying to kick him out of the house? No.

[GiserableMitt]

Accusing someone of an affair is a hell of a long way from asking if there's something going on you need to know about.

DH asked me if there was more to one of my friendships than there should have been. I told him there wasn't (and there isn't) but I was glad he asked. He knows the truth and is satisfied. However, had he jumped in and accused me of having an affair then I doubt we'd be on the good terms we are on now.

If you have suspicions, keep your eyes and ears open but don't assume the worst until you're really sure.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Look at it this way. If this is just some vague feeling borne out of loneliness, resentment and a feeling of being taken for granted then it was an overreaction, not to say a mistake, to go wading in with an accusation of an affair. If the OP is genuinely convinced something is going on, doesn't trust the husband and thinks she is being lied to then why stick around gathering evidence? I realise it's tempting to want to book a private investigator or hack lap-tops and have suspicions confirmed or denied but is a relationship worth saving once you've got to that stage?

[GiserableMitt]

There's no hard evidence to suggest he is playing away. OK, so the new wardrobe is strange - from someone married to a man who has no interest in what he wears whatsoever - but it could be as simple as being surrounded by people for whom appearance is a big deal and he's trying to keep up.

My DH works away from home most of the time and also gets incredibly stressed out by his job, and can be vile during these times. I spend a lot of time muttering "Go fuck yourself" under my breath (but don't do anything about it because he comes out of it soon enough).

Personally, based on what the OP has said I don't think she has enough to go on to be sure he's up to something. Sure, if it gets to hacking/PI stage then there's probably not a lot worth saving but for now I think the OP needs to keep sharp and also talk to her DH. Hopefully she should have a feel for whether he's telling her the truth or not.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

I would've though that if there was anything going on he wouldn't have let you use the phone.

[twentyeightagain]

It has been tiring for both since he's been away so maybe no p.investigators or hacking going to be going on. The thought of going looking for something makes me feel sick tho so come to the conclusion that if they're flirting then not much I can do about it but him coming back to scowling wife's not going to help either. My radar will be on full alert anyway now!! I will just wait it out and maybe try and get a bit of independence back. Thank for all replies - hopefully I'm wrong - will see how w.end is and try not to eyeball him!!

[twentyeightagain]

Ah, Boneyback - have just remembered. After this holiday, when I've used his phone (we use each others) he was deleting his calls before say Thurs or Fri. lots of little things like this. A new email address for Live Messenger and I just said Oh, ?I didn't know you used it . He said a fella at work set it up to send a document thru but he doesn't use it. Lots of little things that sometimes think I've a diff husband coming back at w.ends!
I'd like the old one that I know back!

[panicnotanymore]

Look at his eyes when he gets home. They'll tell you everything you need to know. If they light up, or simply look tired you're ok. If they are flat, and dead, like a reptile, you're in trouble.

People can hide a lot, but they can't hide their soul....

[Jemma1111]

If you've known him 15 years and never been suspicious before but are now then I honestly think you should trust your instincts and what they are telling you .

Oh and snoop further because then you'll know .