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DH blames me for his mood, says I'm angry when I'm perfectly calm

(118 Posts)
BangingHeadOnWall Thu 30-Aug-12 13:15:48

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BangingHeadOnWall Thu 30-Aug-12 13:17:45

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CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 30-Aug-12 13:20:17

Ignore him. People who sulk are usually attention-seeking so don't reward the behaviour by taking an interest or engaging in a discussion. Sulking is pretty childish stuff however and, if this contrary behaviour starts to happen too often, tell him to take it off-site until he's more cheerful. Hotel room for example. We all have bad days but it's not acceptable to inflict them on everyone else.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 30-Aug-12 13:22:04

Sulking is not a personality disorder. Finding it difficult to articulate personal problems is one thing. Being aggressive with people you're supposed to love when they try to help you with those problems is quite another.

BangingHeadOnWall Thu 30-Aug-12 13:24:14

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OliveandJim Thu 30-Aug-12 13:25:47

My DP is the same but I do see his point. I get furstrated over something (nothing), start shouting or getting agitated and he gets upset by it. But he really does. Why don't you look at it from his point of view? The way you choose to react to things has an impact on him. That's all he's trying to say... You then move on but he doesn't. My DP tells me the same thing. I yo=yo in emotions but for him once he's upset it takes him a long time to get back to normal. Sorry but I do see his point and no I don't think he has a personality disorder. He's the way he is, perhaps try to understand him?

MooncupGoddess Thu 30-Aug-12 13:31:02

Well, I don't think that three days of coldness and sulking is a reasonable response to the OP swearing at the computer on Monday.

Agree with Cogito that you should ignore his sulks and be cheerful and friendly until he comes around. And tell him that if he has a problem with your behaviour, can he mention it at the time so you can discuss it then.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 30-Aug-12 13:32:10

" I could try to ignore but it would be hard and I honestly think he could keep it up for days. "

Then you ignore him for days and you don't back down. I know you originally described him as 'lovely' but this kind of random sulking is really childish and there is no justification for it whatsoever. When he is 'lovely' again, I think that's the time to sit him down and talk to him about it. There are ways to encourage someone to communicate rather than bottle things up... a regular 'off-load' point in the day, for example. Tell him you're not prepared to go around on eggshells waiting for the next performance. Tell him you'll be ignoring him next time it happens. See what the reaction is and then judge

workshy Thu 30-Aug-12 13:34:09

on the flip side

my ex has narsacistic personality disorder

nothing is ever his fault

he could keep up sulks for weeks

he once didn't speak to me for 6 weeks because I didn't ask if he wanted peas or beans with his tea and gave him the wrong one

if he was ever upset I either wouldn't ever find out what was wrong, or what was wrong was me

when he was happy and I was 'pleasing him' he couldn't have been more lovely, put me on a pedestal and treated me like a princess

when he was in a sulk he treated me like something he just stepped in!

he is an ex for a reason

BangingHeadOnWall Thu 30-Aug-12 14:05:43

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BangingHeadOnWall Thu 30-Aug-12 14:06:09

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BangingHeadOnWall Thu 30-Aug-12 15:30:36

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scarletforya Thu 30-Aug-12 15:52:18

Yeh, I wouldn't give him the attention. Sulking is a cowardly pursuit. Sulkers basically behave as judge and jury and pass down the sentance on you all without any chance for you to defend yourself.

My ex was one amongst other things. Him being bullied as a child has nothing to do with it. He was bullied so he's now going to bully you? Illogical. Don't stand for it.

He's basically deciding you've done something wrong and he then (whether you did anything or not) punishes you. How dare he? First, he has no business deciding if you've done something wrong and certainly no business punishing you.

Sulkers are attention seekers. His 'reasons' are totally fatuous and arbitrary. They don't exist. Then when he is confronted he uses projection (blaming you for behaviour he is displaying) so calling you moody when it's actually him that's moody. It's textbook passive aggressive crap and emotionally abusive.

Don't play into his hands by begging and pleading with him as to what's wrong. The only thing wrong is that he is an attention seeking asshat. Sorry but you'll find he is. The best weapon you can use against sulker is ignore their bullshit. They HATE that.

KellyElly Thu 30-Aug-12 16:25:20

workshy he sounds exactly like my ex.

BangingHeadOnWall Fri 31-Aug-12 00:41:23

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workshy Fri 31-Aug-12 00:50:21

with some people they want the attention, other people want to be left alone

some people you can't do right for doing wrong and you will tie yourself up in knotts trying to figure it out

the problem with living with someone who constantly tells you it is your fault or there is something wrong with you, is that eventually doubt creeps in -'maybe it is my fault, maybe there is something wrong with me?'

my ex used to tell me I was depressed/PMT/workaholic etc etc

I always knew I wasn't -but I wasn't confident about the fact

sit him down, tell him how he makes you feel, if he turns it back on you then you are wasting your breath and fighting a losing battle

having small erruptions about things that it is reasonable to feel a level of annoynace about (like a website crashing at that crucial point) is much healthier than brooding and sulking

if you were a flat human being with no ups and downs, he wouldn't be happy, he would find something else to pick at!

ladyWordy Fri 31-Aug-12 01:29:31

He sulked because you were upset at a website?? That's just strange IMO. If things like that really throw him off, life must be a constant struggle for him.

To be honest I think there is a lot more going on here than meets the eye (with him, not with you). But taking these incidents at face value, I would certainly suggest asking him once only what's up, if he seems upset. If he says 'nothing',  accept it... Do not play 20 questions. wink

Give him a chance to learn the new rules while you grit your teeth, and go about your day doing whatever you need to do, without tending to his silent tantrums. See how it goes. I suspect he will up the ante but you never know?

tallwivglasses Fri 31-Aug-12 09:09:32

I would suggest you stop doing stuff for him too. If you do his meals, washing etc just stop. Tell him you thought you'd probably 'do it wrong' which would make him more grumpy. This is abuse, you know that don't you.

Proudnscary Fri 31-Aug-12 09:14:40

Do you have children?

TheDoctrineOfEnnis Fri 31-Aug-12 09:27:24

DH occasionally blames me for his mood (he's rarely emotional do it's very occasional)

I usually leave it a day or two and when he's in a better mood, point out that it probably wasn't me but was the deadline at work, bad night's sleep or whatever. He does then apologise! I know I do it too a bit ie you can't bitch back at your boss so you have a bit of a grump at home so I dont feel bad about it as long as we clear up later that it wasn't "my" fault.

Yours sounds more one sided and extended though.

Inadeeptrance Fri 31-Aug-12 10:20:37

He is being emotionally abusive. My ex did this, amongst many other things.

Get the Lundy Bancroft book, what you have described is in there. That book changed my life, it blows away the confusion and sets out exactly what is going on.

Fairenuff Fri 31-Aug-12 10:27:29

Yes, this is emotional abuse. His behaviour is designed to control you.

BangingHeadOnWall Fri 31-Aug-12 11:06:46

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SirBoobAlot Fri 31-Aug-12 11:11:23

Has he had any counselling at all? Sounds like there are some underlying issues here.

I sometimes do similar, I have BPD. Not saying he has a personality disorder, just that sometimes its not a conscious choice to react like that.

BangingHeadOnWall Fri 31-Aug-12 12:34:14

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