Scared of doing it alone

[Flumpy2012]

Hello all, I'm 25 and 24 weeks pregnant. I have no other children but previously lost a baby at 20 weeks. I had been with my partner for 3 years and his now 15 year old Son lived with us. I gave up chasing a career and all my independence in the wake of his promises of marriage and a family and became a fulltime step mum and kept the house and just worked part time. It took us almost a year to conceive and he was always hesitant about another child. Once i fell pregnant our relationship came apart at the seams, it hadn't bought the happiness he was sure it would but rather more stress and anxiety because of what i'd been through in the past. I became very low and he constantly looked for a way out rather than wanting to solve things. He finally left 6 weeks ago, taking his son and leaving me in our rented house with the dog to cope alone. We attempted a friendship for a week but he even cut that off. He's changed his mobile number, won't see or speak to me, there's so much to sort. My family are 200 miles away and have busy lives and most of my friends have families of their own and i'm scared of depending on anyone too much.
He is currently paying the rent and utilities for the house but i fear he could cut things off at any point. All i'm entitled to is ESA because i'm not well enough to work due to renal problems and it's not enough to feed me, the dog, insure my car, fuel to get to appointments and gather things for the baby who is due in December but they are expecting her in the next 10 weeks as we've already gone into premature labour once and my placenta has been bleeding.
I have no one to take me to the hospital, be with me when i give birth, look after the dog whilst I'm in hospital. I'm scared witless and i've no idea how to move forward with this.
I have no idea if he has any intention of being part of his baby's life or not and no way of contacting him. Help?? What should i be doing to get ready for a premature baby??

Claire

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'd start with your family and friends. Everyone has busy lives but, when it comes to your family, if they're in need you make an exception. As for being independent, that's a noble aim but you have to be realistic abut it. There are times when you need help and this is one of them. Once you have the support of your friends and family - and your first priority is your health and your baby's health - talk to your doctors and midwife about what to expect and how best to prepare. Financially, there will be other help available besides ESA for someone in your situation. Longer-term, even if he doesn't want anything to do with you or your baby, he still has a financial responsibility.

Good luck

[izzyizin]

Which county do you live in? If you cannot get the support you need from a family members or friends with regard to a birthing partner, care for the dog etc, many mumsnetters have big hearts and no doubt there'll be one who'll be willing to step into the breach.

[laleila]

my heart goes out to you, what a horrible situation. I agree that you need to get the support and help of your family and friends, tell them how scared you are and I've no doubt they will help you as best they can. Don't keep all this to yourself its not going to make the situation any better and you will need all the support you can get once you're home from hospital.

speak to someone at the job centre about other benefits you may be entitled to, as ESA isnt going to stretch far. I'm sure you'd qualify for child tax credits, family allowance, income support perhaps? I'm not too sure as I work but I know a couple of people who receive this help so its worth a phone call.

And yes, there will be many mnetters that'll jump at the chance to be a birthing partner, I know I would. As for the behaviour of your o/h - major arse. Take care of yourself hun.

[AnyFucker]

I am very sorry to hear this

What part of the country are you in ?

[Mumsyblouse]

What a difficult situation you find yourself in.

What everyone has said already, please ask others for help. They will feel awful if you sit there without help and they didn't know about it, that's what friend and family are for, plus you will not need to depend on them forever, but you may well need practical helps with things like looking after the dog or even somewhere to live. I may be reading between the lines, but I also get the impression you don't want to tell them what has happened, perhaps worried about their reactions, again, don't worry, you are not the first person to be in this situation and they will care about you.

As for benefits, if you think you are going to be made homeless, ring your local housing office and tell them what your situation is, and that the rent/utilities are about to stop, and get some advice on what you will need to do if this happens.

Also try CAB or ringing the benefits advice line for more information, you are definitely entitled to more than just ESA once the baby is born, and being pregnant may entitle you to more anyway:

www.direct.gov.uk/en/Diol1/DoItOnline/DoItOnlineByCategory/DG_172666

Have you thought about moving back nearer friends or family? If nothing is keeping you in this area, have a think about what would be a good place for you to be based, given that you will be on your own.

You need to talk with someone, like a friend, who can help you see the options, perhaps having a dog and a car and all these expenses is a bit impractical, will you need the car in the future? I think different solutions will present themselves once you start talking to people, either professionals to help you with benefits, or your friends/family.

[skyebluesapphire]

Come and join this thread. I'm not pregnant, but most of the girls on it are and they are similar age to you too. and one has a dog.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/lone_parents/1516470-Facing-pregnancy-alone

On a more practical level - do you have a Sure Start Childrens Centre near you? They can offer support when the baby comes, to take you to appointments etc, they have home visitors who will come and help you, various baby groups and courses. They also have counsellors and people who can help advise you with finances etc and what benefits you could be entitled to. I have found them to be a great help in lots of different ways.

I think you should get child tax credit and obviously child benefit. If you are on income based ESA you should qualify for the £500 Sure Start grant.

www.direct.gov.uk/en/MoneyTaxAndBenefits/BenefitsTaxCreditsAndOtherSupport/Expectingorbringingupchildren/DG_10018854

[AnyFucker]

Great advice mumsy/skye

[Flumpy2012]

Hello all, Thank you so much for all your advice. I have tried to express to close friends and my parents how i'm feeling but am concerned it's just pushing them away. We had 17 hours of contractions again on Sunday and an ex colleague of mine stayed with me which was lovely but i still had to abandon the dog and she has a child of her own and i felt she was under immense pressure to find someone to care for him so she could stay.
Luckily things are moving forward and all being well we should be attending mediation tomorrow where hopefully i will get some answers from him as to whether he will be offering any support at all.
The sure start grant is great and i will apply but was told i have to wait until 11 weeks before due date?

There are always people to talk to which is great, unfortunately it's the practical help which i struggle with.

Anyone near north oxfordshire, banbury way??

x

[skyebluesapphire]

Did you find a childrens centre near you? A Sure Start centre?

Im down in Devon, so nowhere near you, but you might find somebody on here who is closer.

[Flumpy2012]

No haven't looked for children's centre. Is that for pregnancy or after baby has arrived?

[skyebluesapphire]

Our local one runs a group called "Tums to Ones" where ladies meet when pregnant. My friend has made some new friends in her area through it.

Ive put a couple of links below for you, the first is for the Banbury Childrens Centre, the other link is for all the centres in Oxfordshire, so you can see what is closest for you.

They offer all sorts of support and counselling. I highly recommend them.

www.oxonchildrenscentres.org.uk/wps/wcm/connect/micro/ChildrensCentres/North+Banbury/

www.oxfordshire.gov.uk/cms/public-site/childrens-centres

[Flumpy2012]

Thank you x