Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
To say I am annoyed is an understatement...(13 Posts)
...completely and utterly fucked off would be a truer description of my feelings about now.
Basically, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong this summer. A lot of it is inconsequential inconveniences more than anything else but I have just about had enough right about now.
Firstly, when I first separated from my STBXH, he would have the children for a few hours on a Sunday, this developed into Saturday night to Sunday and then when his new partner came on the scene he asked if they could do every other weekend as she has a child also. I agreed to this, no problem, says I, I except every other weekend is now whichever weekend they can be bothered to do it.
For example, in July he cancelled a weekend because he booked to work instead and then went on holiday which overlapped with his other weekend. Then in August he was ill (he did got to hospital and was out of action for ten days with pancreatitis) however he cancelled the holiday that he had arranged for the children (to re-book a holiday three weeks later with this partner, no kids). The upshot is that he will have had the kids for one full weekend and one night from the beginning of July until the end of September.
I am going to University in September and I asked him to confirm the alternate weekends that he can do between now and Christmas as I have to book my placements (NHS shift work) and in November he can't do one weekend because it is his girlfriends birthday which means he won't see the children between the 11th November and 9th December.
I have tried to reason with him that if he can't do a given weekend then he needs to make up the time as if he misses one weekend then he doesn't see the children for a month but there is no reasoning with him because he is an arse.
This, coupled with the fact that he has been to the Phillipines, been to Majorca twice, he has had three holidays this year so far and each holiday has been immediately prior to a school holiday (he went to the Phillipines immediately prior to the February school holiday and on Majorca before they broke for the summer and he is going on holiday again jsut before we come back in September) therefore he can't take time off of work to look after the children in the school holidays and he extends the periods of no visitation by going away immediately before or after we go away) he has also bought a new car and claims poverty despite being dressed head to toe in designer clothes has made me flip. Today I rang my Solicitor and she has said that she will refer us to mediation because he is being unreasonable.
That aside, I was meant to go on holiday myself at the end of July but could not go because I lost my sons passport. This all tied in with me having building work done and I went to a friends house for a week, have come back, my roof is now leaking, I have spent £300 on a new passport and transferring my flights. I have literally had my kids on my own for the whole holidays and am soooooo tired and utterly skint, I just want to give him (STBXH) a high five in the face with a mallet.
Anyway, long and boring it is, but I had to get that off my chest, thanks for listeining folks
Oh, and I asked him to confirm dates so I can book placement shifts but I can arrange childcare, I just feel so sad that he doesn't give much of a shit about our kids and doesn't feel like he should make up the time he misses with them because he is either on holiday or celebrating his girlfriends birthday, FFS he flew out to Majorca on his daughter s birthday - he is such a COCK!
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Yup, he's a cock. You're well rid.
I think you're going to have to stop factoring him into your childcare arrangements, as he's obviously unreliable and doesn't give a shit. Have you family or friends who could take up his slack?
I haven't. My Mums is in Spain and my Dad is in Dorset, I am in Bristol. That being said, I have found a childminder that will have them for 2 full days a week, 6am to 8pm so I can do full shifts these days, I will have to do school hours the other days.
I'm not reliant on his as such for childcare, just that he wanted to do every other weekend but now wriggles out of his weekends whenever it suits him. To be honest, on a personal note, I am not bothered if the kids go or not because if we were still together I would be with them every day anyway. I just don't see why he changed the agreement but then can't keep to the arrangements he made.
He's an arse. I wouldn't try to figure out why he says one thing and does another, it just leads to madness . All you can do is ensure his behaviour doesn't fuck up your chances and hope that he realises that it's his loss, when he screws up his relationship with his kids.
Cannot believe what a dick he is. If XW had been as generous with seeing the kids I would have been delighted. I had to fight to get access - as do many other dads - and you'd even let them go with XH and his new partner.
You are kind.
He's a dick.
You're right to be pissed off with him.
Thank you OMC
STBXH only saw them for a few hours when we first separated because he had never cared for them on his own before , then when he met his new partner they had them for longer as she is a mother and, whilst she has annoyed me as she has been emailing me on STBXHs behalf and her parenting style differs to mine, she is a nice woman.
To be honest I don't want them to have the children more often than they do because otherwise I would never see them (have been at college and am going to Uni) and I wasnt keen on them doing every other weekend because there are 3 kids and it is a lot for them in a small flat but they were adamant and I had no reason to refuse.
To be honest STBXH is not the best Dad in the world but it is not for me to limit contact and I want the kids to look back and realise that I did encourage regular contact so they could have a relationship with their Dad. Unfortunately they will also probably realise he is a knob too.
You are a shining example to your children in all that you do, and for dealing with all of your issues this Summer.
Good luck with Uni, and organise everything you and your family need regardless of the wishes and wants of this man. Don't dwell on his holidays or selfishness, try and enjoy the time in summer with your kids. Try and do something nice for yourself - even if it's just a bar of choc and a soak in the bath - you deserve it.
He can't be relied upon. He is a mahoosive sounding nob.
Hi saggyhairyarse Your 'high 5 in the face with a mallet' made me smile. I'll hold your coat.
Don't let him drive you round in circles while he decides how to live his life not taking his kids into account. Or you in fact. What does that say about the respect for the mother of his children, eh?!
I personally would have given up already, let him make the move if he wants to see his kids.
Why bother yourself with the stress and put your kids through it - while showing them being flaky is o.k. in life - because IT IS NOT!
Tell him to get to the far side of Fuck - that great MN saying - and come back when he can be more mature.
Just get your own childcare in place for your studies. Well done you for going ahead with your own life! You are making a better future for you and your kids. You don't need this loser in the mix.
My son's father fucked off -mutual agreement, but long back story, he became abusive - when he was 6 months old. Has had no input into his life, (including financial) I - we! - are so much better off for it. Do have contact with his family who are great.
My son is now 21 and going into his second year of uni. I hnnestly believe that without the father fuck-ups he has been able to grow up totally balanced.
(Not taking all the credit, family and friends have been great too with helping out).
Wishing you all the best!
My ex was like this to start with and I understand how massively frustrating it is - and how disappointed you must feel that your kids don't have the kind of Dad you would wish for them.
My ex-P has cancelled weekends and holidays with the boys so that he can go on holiday his girlfriend, because it was his wedding anniversary (to which I said that when the girl married him she became a stepmum - and didn't they want to celebrate that all together as a family?), or because he wanted to see a band.
What worked in the end was making him do the running and set dates - made it much easier to for me to say - look, these are the dates YOU requested, and if you miss, you miss.
How old are the children?
Are they old enough to decide themselves whether to go or not?