Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.


(167 Posts)
angelpinkcar Tue 21-Aug-12 08:19:19

Hi there all, I have been slowly thinking I am going mad as my gut feeling tells me my DH is having an affair. I have done all the things that have been suggested on here he either is very good at hiding it or isn't and just want to put this feeling to bed. Is there any ways that have you have found your evidence. I have tried the mobile phone, he deletes all the texts and history and history from the computer, as he explains he has always done it as he doesn't like to clog up the memory. I have gone into the bill. I have tried the give me your phone for the day, which he hasn't done as yet but has had prior warning now. DH I phone doesn't leave his side most of the time but on the odd occasion it does. I just can't help feeling I am missing something, any advice please.

angelpinkcar Thu 06-Sep-12 23:19:09

Ahh bless you thingsthatmakeyougohmmmm. How much if the WW cost and is it easy to install on the computer? I did install some free thing once on it an DH became a little bit suspicious and I blamed it on DD going on the computer clicking on stuff at the time, think I got away with that one. It restored conversations of Facebook but it was my crap nothing from DH. So that was a waste of time, didn't have a clue mind.

It was 3 years ago and cost me about 60 quid but i believe its cheaper now. You will need about an hour on the pc uninterrupted to install it ect but from what i remember it was easy and step by step. You log into a web based page to check whats what so you will have to remove that from history if memory serves me correctly x

It will refer to the pc as the target pc, it wont pick up stuff on the ipad ect, BUT if you get passwords then be very clever about when you log into his accounts, check hotmail or windows live 'sent' folder, i THINK not sure because i dont use it often, that windows live also has a messaging system where you can send and leave messages that aren't emails. Your tummy will cringe trust me, but the relief if it proves nothing is going on will be enormous.

FB, check archived messages as thats where clicking the little x will send them to, not delete them as many people think, and if you log into fb its up to you whether you turn off chat or not but remember to turn it back on if you do.

I think thats about all i can remember. I didn't have to actually use WW in the end bc the thing that actually caught him out was that he hadn't downloaded the actual windows live, but some program parading as it, similarly named, and that had logged convos unbeknownst to him in 'my received files' on 'computer'

It sounds very intimidating but its not. Just remember to wipe history after logging on to fb/windows live and the WW site

entertumbleweed Fri 07-Sep-12 07:02:54

i think most people have the same passwords so he'd just need to log into email or whatever on the laptop and you'd have his codes. For me it was access to email and dodgy sites but I guess it might be less helpful telling you what he watches on his ipad.

fiventhree Fri 07-Sep-12 08:42:29

Angel, I think they do slip up in the end, if you are watchful.

I finally got so desperate that in the last month (of five years) before I found out I actually kept a journal. Reading it back made it much more clear to me, and the details that I let go at the time as less significant really jumped out at me.

I also recorded contradictory things- he would say something and contradict himself a fortnight later, and if I asked about it, he would totally deny he had said it. He would say, oh well, you are forgetful. Recording it at the time ensured I knew it was not me going crazy!

Maybe also draw up a list of all the things you could check, and check them regularly. Dont forget any paper bills or pockets for receipts, in case he is actually out with someone. Look in his drawers too.

It is a truly awful way to live and I'm sure you will feel awful and guilty for doing all this. Just try to remember that it isn't you who is wrecking the marriage and lying about it. You didnt plan to live like this.

Tbh I never did think I would actually move out of the bedroom or consult a lawyer before i got the evidence, but you may find that if this carries on and you remain suspicious but find nothing, that one day he will upset you in some unrelated way and you will just snap. For me, we had spent a whole fortnight arguing about the latest 'evidence' (a photo on his computer of a young woman), and I was still being patient, although this time telling him I was still unhappy with his explanation, although I couldnt disprove it..

Then he laughed at a letter my teenage daughter had sent me (a 'you are a horrible mum sort of thing!) over an argument about whether she should do her weekly chore (when her younger brothers had). It was clear he was in some way identifying with her over the issue and enjoying my sadness. So I got dressed without a word, saying to myself 'right, that's it. Enough'. And moved rooms. That was the catalyst which got me the answers, finally.

angelpinkcar Fri 07-Sep-12 14:48:27

Thank you fiventhree, I will do that, I started writing it down a few years back with his unreasonable behaviour when my DS was a baby, as felt totally pissed off with him then and was thinking of leaving. He would ignore him crying when it was his turn to get up, I was also back at work working 3 days a week in a new job, where I would have been up preparing work for the next day, when he did get up he would shout and swear and make my DS hysterical where I would have to get up and calm him down the baby that is and try and get some sleep before getting up for work, though he was a wanker then, felt very low tired and depressed in those days. Feel a lot stronger now but just fed up and want change but afraid of what it will bring. Not sure what to start with as not working at the mo and relying on his money if I chuck him out money will be non existant can't go back to my job as its miles away and feck all jobwise where I am living. Feel like in limbo like the calm before the storm if that makes sense.

fiventhree Fri 07-Sep-12 16:01:10

Yes, I felt like that.

I had this loop in my head about money and kids and losing the house (which I had brought to the marriage, but a long time previously, so i would have lost half). I was also terrified the kids would choose him- teenagers, as he had always bought them off and loved to play the 'nice dad', leaving all the crap to me.

Funnily enough in the last month before I moved rooms my then 15 year old started to demand that i didnt tolerate some things any more, although she didnt know about his ow. That gave me confidence, too.

Why not do what I did, and just visit a solicitor on the quiet for a free half hour. You may find you are in a better position than you though. Try and follow up anything the solicitor says eg if you dont own a house nd wil need nenefits and manintenance try to work out how much that would be. Lots of women are pleasantly surprised. Imagine if you split, could you work part time too? Would you get half the equity from a house sale? Think it all through. Write it down. Once it doesnt just look like 'oh my god, total poverty', when the finance stuff is measurable and you know what it is, then it gives you options and choices. It enables you to know where you stand and what the future might look like without him. It is no longer just a scary precipice with nothing on the other side.

And you know, Angel, I have found that a happier woman (myself) even a year on has found the energy to find good part time work and begin to have fun, *because I am not spending all of my spare emotional 'me time' energy dealing with him and my suspicions.

I look back at posts i made on here before i found out what DP was up to, and yes, its like a poke in the eye, but when you're in the middle of it all they are very good at making you out to be stupid, insecure, or flipping the other way with sincere looking in your eyes denials of wrongdoing, swearing on childrens' lives yes THAT old chestnut and it makes you think 'am i reading too much into/hormonal/silly delete as appropriate.. always best to prove or disprove one way or the other, 100% and always best without them even knowing you suspect.

If they put as much effort into the relationship as they did to cheat our relationships would be fantastic! hmm

angelpinkcar Fri 07-Sep-12 22:34:48

Arr bless you, thats all I want is to be happy and not worrying about money, whether or not DH is going to be in a good mood or bad mood although I have stopped caring about it, how much money I have spent on food in the past few days, looking forward to when he is going back to work so its just me and the Dc's. I did make an appointment at the beginning of this year to see a solicitor to see where I would stand financially after a difficult time over Chirstmas which prompted me to do it. They called me back but I ignored their calls as I didn't have the courage to see it through. I have put in most of the deposit for the house which came from my DP so I am entitled to that not him I believe if I ever sold the house. Funny enough over the last few days have had a few calls from DH maybe it has something to do with me saying to him that I had enough and had been feeling like this for sometime and think he should move out and in with his parents as I have had enough of his shit. Re on the computer nearly all the time he is at home etc. Was quite calm about it. I do have a very well paid part-time job which I have been doing for nearly 20 years altogether, not very child freindly but can retire in 11 years from it as I am in the public sector. I probably would still do the job if my DH helped out more in the home and wasn't such a knob to me and drained me of all my energy worrying about what is going on etc. So looking at ways I can leave and work nearer home etc for a lot less pay but I need to find out how much DH would have to pay to me for the DC's first.

Viking1 Fri 07-Sep-12 22:37:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

angelpinkcar Fri 07-Sep-12 22:40:46

Thanks Viking1

angelpinkcar Fri 07-Sep-12 22:47:26

Is what I earn also calculated into the equation so he doesn't have to pay as much the more I earn? I read somewhere that if you are working quit work or full-time go part-time as the more I earn the less he has to pay ????

Viking1 Sat 08-Sep-12 09:07:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Teansympathy Sat 08-Sep-12 12:27:45

So sorry for you, I have gone through same very recently, my exDH always kept his phone very close by him so...............I waited till he was asleep it was the only way as I like you felt I was going mad thinking he was having an affair, anyway got hold of the phone and copied the texts from OW to my phone , then in the morning confronted him and he denied it , BUT i had the proof so he left and that was that, but it was such a releif to know I was not being paranoid and suspicous for nothing, so good luck and hope you get the closure you need and deserve.Big Hug to You x

fiventhree Sat 08-Sep-12 19:18:22

The relief when you find out ie 'get proof' of what you already know in some instinct or other, is unbelievable.

I spent about 12-18 months in that stage. The infidelity had gone on for 5 and a half years, it turned out.

I kept doing that things others have mentioned of thinking it was just me, eg when i found something possibly suspect and he denied it. Of course, during this time he retreated into work mode and was on his computer all evening and long after I had gone to bed, so the marriage was deteriorating anyway. He blamed me for this, but now admits he just didnt want to take responsibility for anything that didnt suit him.

The blame they deflect gets to you. The suspicion gets to you. The miserable life doing all that they wont in the house gets to you, too. Finally, with me, if became an obsession to catch him and I used to spend hours on the net looking for his typical usernames eg I would put in his ebay username and search on pipl so see where else he came up, as that was a unique name. I looked on dating sites but gave up, because it as like looking for a needle in a haystack.

It definitely lost time in my life over all this. It definitely affected the kids, they said so afterwards. My teenage daughter actually fucked up her GSCEs over it all, acting up and never doing any work and hanging with the wrong crowd, but afterwards she came to me and told me all about how she lad felt . Because i had shown her I was prepared to take action to solve my life issues, she did too.

Also, I became physically ill, and had facial cellulitis on four of five occasions, and lost three healthy teeth through that. There were two spells where I couldnt go for a few days as an inpatient in hospital for IV antibiotics, as he was too selfish to take a day off work or, on one memorable occasion, attend and speak at a conference for which he would not be paid.

When I finally came on mn people tried to explain to me that getting the actual proof wasnt the main issue- i was living in misery anyway. There was no way I could see that at the time, and can understand why you cant either Angel, but I did come to see it eventually, and could have kicked myself.

The main thing is, how happy is your life? Can you see it improving, in terms of your happiness, as things stand?

Because if not, all the work to make that scary jump is just that- work. One step at a time. A trip to a solicitor isnt a commitment to leave. It may well be free, too. It is only a confidential chat to get some information.

Take that step, and see where you are then.

I really feel for you.

fiventhree Sat 08-Sep-12 19:22:11

Angel, I have described what happened in detail to me as an example. This is a thread about you with suspicions but proof which you might well not get.

But this is how bad it gets, from one year to the next, waiting for him to change. He wont unless he thinks he has something to lose- you- and he actually is prepared to fight for it.

So you have that power, you really do. You are not powerless, and men like him often change pretty damn fast when faced with no choice. My h admitted what he did not have to admit.

And if he is prepared to see you walk? Then that tells you the value of what you had- that you are just a domestic service for him.

Yes, actually despite being a proof person myself i agree with what people are saying. If he's treating you like crap, but not cheating, where does that leave you? Staying with him because he's not doing the dirty, but allowing him to screw you over in other ways too.. I feel so bad for you chick.. hope you found support here, like i did, and can decide what to do no matter what the outcome of your 'snooping' .. big unmumsnetty hugs because i had a few when i was going through the same thing x

angelpinkcar Wed 19-Sep-12 21:58:56

Hi All, I haven't actually done anything yet regards to my predicament. DH was fine last week but over the last 5 days he has become an arsehole once again. Its weird it feels like that he sees his OW as I still feel there is one once or twice etc every few weeks as the rest of the time he is normal then all of a sudden he comes home is distant receives calls from work apparently, forgets things I tell him, goes on about the finances, starts arguments appears distant and moody and short with the DC's it could be tiredness or am I being naive?? Again discusses splitting up as I instigate a conversation regarding our situation that we should move back nearer to work so we are able to earn more money, I can go back to my job. He won't hear any of it refuses to look for work or apply for a transfer to where we live and is happy commuting 100 miles not every day but must enjou being away. What do you think???? I said today maybe it is our relationship and I can't face that is the problem that needs to be sorted, He replied "put the house on the market then"

fiventhree Thu 20-Sep-12 09:11:00

So as soon as you raise that the relationship may be the problem, he says to put the house on the market, though he was against it before? And without furthe discussion or checking why you think that?

Hmm. Doesnt look good regardless of his reasons. At the very least he is saying that he doesnt care whether you are worried or unhappy about the relationship, and/or calling oyur bluff. I would get the estate agents round.

angelpinkcar Thu 20-Sep-12 12:58:28

Exactly what I was thinking re the estate agents. I will do it next week when he isn't here. Thanks fiventhree.

angelpinkcar Wed 26-Sep-12 22:10:54

Have been looking through my diary and saw an entry in December last year stating told H how I felt about the relationship and was going to see how it went. Well not a lot has changed since then it seems. The same routine, I have enough of his behaviour have a blow out, he appears to try for a few weeks then goes back to his usual behaviour, so it never changes except things have stepped up a bit and I have opened my eyes a lot to what is going on around me. After another row on Wednesday last week H has been trying!!!! to help in the house by doing some washing (his own) probably semen stained underwear, why would it be semen stained if he is away working??? Offering to help out with the DC's more and offering to do some housework, not doing it. He still lies in bed pretending to be asleep when the DC's get up. I really don't know what to do. He comes home at the weekend for a few days and not looking forward to the next few days really. I don't know where to start really. I don't want to carry on living like this for another year its not fair to the DC's or me. He keeps texting me and phoning the DC's I have been a bit lapse with my replys as I really can't be arsed to reply. On a few occasions when I have been out recently I have come home and noticed that the lounge window is wide open am I being paranoid or do you think he is listening out for me when I am coming as he is always on the computer when I do come in? The other night he lied about what time he came home from work I pretended I was alseep so I knew exactly what time it was. I just know something is going on and its driving me mad. I have resorted to drastic action and hopefully fingers crossed will find out something over the next few days, I know its madness but can't say too much. Got the idea from on here.

Kickboxer Wed 26-Sep-12 22:18:24

I don't think you're paranoid, Op. Good luck in finding out.

Smeghead Wed 26-Sep-12 22:48:49

I think I can guess what your drastic action is and I wish you luck with it. Just make sure that it stays on the right side of the law.

Maybe it would be good if you posted on the "other" board, if you are worried about this being found?

I hope it works out .. good luck x

fiventhree Thu 27-Sep-12 10:24:12

good luck Angel

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now