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Don't want to be with him anymore.

(18 Posts)
MrsJohnMurphy Tue 21-Aug-12 01:35:38

But I am truly terrible at making decisions sad. I have just kind of let life happen to me for the last 10 years, there were many indicators that we were not really compatible but I think I was a bit needy and always hoped he would show an interest in me.

I have had enough now though, he is always hugging and kissing me, but basically never talks to me, he is happy to discuss whatever is on TV, what happened at work, the children etc. He constantly stares at a screen or falls asleep, if I try try to discuss anything remotely related to our relationship or problems in real life, he just shuts down and stares ahead/refuses to engage.

How on earth do I get the bravery to actually end it? Should I even end it, we have 3 young children and he is quite a lot older than me.

I don't have any family or friends here, despite living here for 8 years. I feel like I was basically ok when I met him, slightly depressed or whatever, but since then I have just slid down and down.

I am so scared of actually saying I want to leave him, I would be totally alone, we don't have much money, I have no idea how it would work.

aokay Tue 21-Aug-12 01:40:37

could you try some couples counselling ?- men are rubbish at talking but at least yours sounds demonstrative and affectionate which is a good start - Id hesitate to say leave without trying anything, just for the kids.... also if you're low its hard to make the right decisions.
If it is impossioble for you then don't panic - there is help for you financially and things always turn out ok in the end. Think you need some support and advice now though - try to think through your options and you have to open up and tell dp how you feel. best of luck and hugs x

omfgkillmenow Tue 21-Aug-12 01:45:19

if he hugs you and kisses you then there really isnt the problem you perceive. Are you alone with children all day and feel the need for adult communication when he has been speaking to adults all day and just needs to relax? He probably doesn't even realise how alone you feel, this is why my first marriage ended and i wish id given him a bit more leeway, he'e been out all day working when i was stuck at home with only a toddler to communicate with. there wasn't anything really wrong with our life except he was tired and knackered when i wanted to chat cos i'd been alone all day. You need to find some day time friends in RL to communicate with, maybe find a pal to go to the cinema once a week or out for a meal/drink. I moved 50 miles to be with hubby, but he had such a busy job when he came home was knackered, whereas i had waiteda ll day fro him to come home to have someone to talk to. Out marriage fell apart, learn from me, its not he doenst love you hes just a tired out, if he still wants to kiss cuddle and the other then your marriage is fine. you just need to get some female friends to bridge the gap. I lost a good man because of this, just get yourself out there, join toddlers, gym, whatever, get yourself some good frinds where you are and things will improve 100% believe me HTH

MrsJohnMurphy Tue 21-Aug-12 01:53:14

thanks aokay, we can't afford any counselling tbh, I have lots of times opened up and told dp how I felt. I get feck all back, he seems to use these things against me. I once made a post on Mn about how I was raped when I was younger, he read this and then had a go at me about how I hadn't ever told him hmm.

Lots and lots of times I have opened up and expressed my feelings to him, he then just totally clamps up and stares into space, or fecks off for a walk.

I am not willing to do this anymore, it's too hurtful, so basically we converse on the level of people at a bus stop.

I don't even feel like a real person, I just drift through life.

MrsJohnMurphy Tue 21-Aug-12 02:04:08

I get what you mean omfg, if I did have lots of friends I imagine my life would be a lot easier, but I don't. I'm crap at social interaction, doesn't help that it's all a bit yummy mummy/snobby around here.

I feel a bit tricked into moving down here tbh, he was all "I can't possibly move up north, I have so many friends/family" blah blah when we first met. Since I moved down here he seems to have abandoned all of the people he was so attached to. He barely ever even talks to his mother who lives the other side of town.

In the years we have been together my own Mother died, which was awful, I actually hate it here, I'm supposed to be taking the children back up north for a week on Wednesday and I don't even want to do that, I just want to scream.

ATourchOfInsanity Tue 21-Aug-12 02:09:31

Holiday will do you good. Stressful but change of scenery sounds like something you need. It may help you have some time to think about whether you miss him etc.

whereismumhiding Tue 21-Aug-12 04:36:59

Can you start trying to live your life s bit to see how it feels to go out on your own? John a group for fun (salsa, pottery, anything you've always wanted to do!) leave him baby sitting in eve , go to gym/ swimming in eve, make a new circle of friends about you. Guys do it when they are thinking of leaving, you could just see how feel to be you again and whether that is enough or whether you need more. Divorce is a big deal, for you, him & DC. Small steps...

aokay Tue 21-Aug-12 22:38:18

I'm pretty sure you can get free counselling via gp - I'd get it myself if I were you - it really helps put something in perspective and you sound like you could use a really good friend. maybe a counsellor could help you put together a way of telling dp that if he does'nt share feelings, be supportive and have your back emotionally , there is no point you staying and you won't - may shock him into a reaction - at the very ;least will help you move on and plan - I used a counsellor a few years ago and she felt like a really brilliant friend who could be completely honest with me - it really helped. I feel so sorry for you - I've just come out of relationship with a really cold, emotionally dead man - he used to want to talk about the weather (seriously!).
If you know you have to go then get some advice on an exit strategy - citizens advice could help with money and housing - so can your local council - hugs to you and maybe a namechange if he reads your mumsnet posts? (I hate that - who reads the ops mail?!)x

MrsJohnMurphy Wed 29-Aug-12 00:18:02

Hmm back from my jaunt up North and tbh feeling even worse. He was here for 6 days on his own 2.5 of those he wasn't at work and it's a shithole. FFS if that had been me this place would have been spotless, but he has done the very bare minimum. No washing at all as far as I can tell, just shoved things to the side and hoovered, not actually cleaned anything. It does my nut in because I can't even remember the last time I got more than 4 hours to do anything. Not to mention the fact he can find the energy to wank off to porn at 5am confused god knows what he was doing before that.

I was so furious I had to go out when I got home, he assumed the wounded puppy look, I imagine he will resume the wounded puppy until I break and resume the silent resentful stereotype.

OMG I actually cannot stand it, I want to be on my own, I actually cringe when he tries to touch me.

I just don't know what to do.

omfgkillmenow Wed 29-Aug-12 00:36:36

if you cringe when he touches you, its time to get out.

izzyizin Wed 29-Aug-12 00:49:06

You've 'let life' happen to you for the past 10 years and now you need to take control in order to make the next 10 see you become all that you can be.

It's time to lay it on the line with your h and tell him that either he leaves or you will because you're not prepared to put up with his shit prolong your unfulfilling marriage.

Do you want to go live up north again? Can you stay with family/friends until you can establish a new home there?

MrsJohnMurphy Fri 07-Sep-12 00:54:35

Thanks for your reply all, izzyizin I would have said yes to your question of living up north before I actually visited, now not so much. It has changed quite a lot, honestly such a shit hole now.

I am going to give it a few months, for me to sort myself out, rather than dp. I have had to remind and nag him about an issue that could lose him his job several fecking times, I mean really why?

He has finally done what I asked, but why on earth should I have to ask and nag. Unless I take the initiative he does nothing, I don't want another child.

He is very affectionate and loving though, he is constantly nice to me, whatever my mood, so this kind of puts me off having a conversation.

I do often think that if I am going to have to do everything myself, including the garden which dp knows I hate due to creepy crawlies. Then what is actual fecking point of him.

izzyizin Fri 07-Sep-12 01:16:45

When you feel moved to ask that particular question, Mrs M, the answer is usually that there no fecking point to him whatsoever grin

As for the creepy crawlies, I used to have an almost morbid fear of earthworms. If I saw one I'd scream have an attack of the vapours and retreat indoors for weeks.

I finally worked out that I'm x million times bigger than they are and that they can't harm me in any way. Once I plucked up to start digging and rooting around in the earth when planting, I found that the more I dug the less afraid I became and I can now happily pick up earthworms with my bare hands and have a little chat with them before placing them in a spot where they're unlikely to fall foul of my trowel or spade.

Get out in that garden, honey, and revel in being one of god's many wonderful creatures that range free on this glorious planet.

And get yourself to a lawyer who specialises in divorce and family law and who offers a free half an hour consultation - for recommendations of shit hot lawyers in your area, post of the Legal matters board.

MrsJohnMurphy Sun 09-Sep-12 02:29:59

Don't need any lawyers thankfully, we are not married, I think I am a bit of a mug really. I talked to Dp about the fact that we have an IVA that we can't really afford, what did he think of us going bankrupt?

He nodded and said ok, then dropped off as he usually does every evening hmm. Ok so I suppose that is now by default my stress and worry, he goes through life like la di fucking da, I have asked him to cancel the movies on the sky subscription for about 18 months now, still going. Unless I put the actual phone number under his nose and basically force him into doing it it will never happen, is that normal?????

He refuses to talk to me about things, does the whole stonewalling thing, it does my fucking head in.

I feel so bad though when he does the whole kicked puppy act when I bring these things up, he seems to feel that being slightly nice to me and giving hugs, solves everything, till now I suppose it did.

I am so fed up though, if everything is my fucking problem anyway then what is the point.

Tbh the kids are not even bothered about him, I never ever get a minutes peace, they are all for me. He might do the mechanical things like putting pyjamas on, but I do all the emotional legwork and actually worrying about them.

He is quite shouty and ranty, I am too sometimes honestly, but I do actually try to be less shouty and engage and praise them, he just shouts and his default position is to have a go.

Right I need to leave him I have convinced myself, will anyone give me a kick in the arse to actually say the words to him?

I am so avoidant as my sister put it as to be unreal, I haven't been on my own ever, I left my Mum's house to go to his. Both of my parents are now gone, I am ever so slightly scared of being alone sad.

MrsJohnMurphy Sun 09-Sep-12 02:31:05

Thankyou for your post izzy, god epic ppost there probably noone will read it.

VforViennetta Fri 28-Sep-12 22:42:38

I did tell him that I wanted to split, so he went into panic mode, called in sick to work and tidied the house hmm. I then after all this upheaval made the mistake of having sex with him, once <idiot>.

Obviously he then went into normal mode, unlike other times though, I still want to split, he actually revolts me now.

How on earth do I do it? I'm basically going to have to tell him that I don't like him or find him attractive any more. That makes me cringe so much, I don't think I can be so mean to him.

I read it.. i stalk izzy and anyfucker as i love their posts lol

Seriously.. gardening.. if nothing else it will show you the best flowerbed to bury him under grin

PrincessSymbian Sat 29-Sep-12 03:51:57

V, you need to grab the bull by the horns. You don't have to explain why your ending it, you told him how he could help and he did it for all of five minutes before reverting back to type.
Seriously, end the relationship before you end up hurting him with a large knife from sheer frustration.
It is not going to get better, he doesn't want to face problems and if you stay, you will just keep it all in until there is no room left inside you and then bad things will happen.
Been there, bought the t-shirt and I am finally moving on!

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