Which is worse - accepting money for birthdays, christmas from estranged parents, or sending them a letter asking them to stop?

[BumptiousandBustly]

I really don't know what to do. I am estranged from my parents and have no plans to change this.

They (well my mother) send a cheque for my birthday and my sons birthdays and for Christmas.

I am really not comfortable taking money from someone I don't want a relationship with.

I don't want to simply not cash the cheques as that will lead to contact from them - which really stresses me out - and I will be on edge for ages, waiting for it to happen.

Also, I am not prepared to tell my children presents are from them, but obviously also not prepared to pretend that presents bought with their money is from me, so I put it in a savings account for the children - however any cheques for the children are always accompanied by a note specifying that they want to know what the children were bought. (so far I have simply sent a thank you card signed by me, saying thankyou for books/toys etc) - however this makes me feel like I am taking their money under false pretenses.

i should say that DSs are 2 and 4 - so too young to understand it all yet.

So far, so simple right? Just not take the money - but how do I go about that? I would have to send some kind of message saying - please don't send me any more money - which is REALLY final.

I thought something like: "Since we don't have a relationship at the moment, I am not comfortable accepting gifts from you. You are welcome to continue sending money for the boys if you wish, but please be aware that if you do so, I will put it into savings accounts for them, for when they are 18. Its is obviously up to you if you wish to continue sending money under these circumstances."

The problem is that feels like a really horrible messages to send. So I am stuck - which is worse - accepting money from people you don't have a relationship with, or sending a message saying - stop giving me presents - which thereby makes it totally clear you never intend to have a relationship with them again? - Which feels like a very purposefully painful thing to send?

[Gumby]

Why are you estranged?
Could they be a positive influence in the dcs lives?

[BumptiousandBustly]

Gumby - Loads of problems, over years. Basically totally self involved - and no, they really wouldn't be a positive influence in the children's lives.

[tribpot]

One part of me thinks that gifts don't come with conditions attached. So they may want to know what the money is spent on, but they have no particular right to know. So one possible solution might be to accept the money and send a deliberately non-specific thank you, or simply say truthfully "I have put the money into the dses' savings accounts for when they are older".

If they then move the goalposts by declaring either they must be told what the money is for or it stops, OR that it must be spent on the dc or it stops, I think that then gives you the opening to say "in that case I would prefer it to stop, thank you".

[BumptiousandBustly]

tribpot - but what about the whole taking money from people I don't want a relationship with? Especially when they send money for my birthday/christmas?

[PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot]

Could you open two savings accounts for each child and deposit it each time into those, then you are not really buying anything with the money.

On the other hand, the DC would still benefit.

I dont see anything dishonest in it unless there was some understanding that the money would lead to meetings etc which you werent going to honour?

Then send one note and say any money you chose to send will go into bank accounts, and you would need not ever contact them again about the matter?

[ChitchatAtHome]

The most important thing is to protect yourself. If accepting the money keeps them away, then keep on doing it. A confrontation with them is clearly something you're keen to avoid.

However, only you know if they are the type of people who will later throw it back in your face that you were quite willing to accept money from them - so you need to decide which confrontation would be worse - one now, or a potential one in the future.

If it were me - small amounts of money, I don't think accepting it is an issue. If it's large amounts of money then I would feel uncomfortable.

[PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot]

OH you already said that!

Dur!

[MsNobodyAgain]

If you really feel your parents would not be a positive influence, I would send them a note saying due to your relationship with them, you feel uncomfortable accepting the money but if they insist on sending it in future, you will put it in a bank account in your DCs name.

[dequoisagitil]

I think your message is fine. You are estranged and currently have no intention of renewing the relationship.

Don't you think it's more unfair of you to perhaps be giving them hope by accepting the money and responding to their desire to know what you have bought the dc?

Maybe they send the money to try to crowbar their way back into your life or maybe it's without agenda, you're more likely to know which. I think it's nicer to tell them the tactic won't work than to lead them on, as it were.

Perhaps you're not ready for the finality of it, rather than worried about it being horrible for them to receive.

[mirry2]

Just write and say you feel uncomfortable accepting presents from them as you don't have a or want a relationship and that if they want to give your dc a p[resent you will put it into a savings account for them but will not be telling the dc about it, and that it's their decision whether or not they continue to send presents bearing mind what you've just said.

however they must have doen something really dreadful for you to reject their gifts. Are you sure they aren't trying to make amends?

[Nanny0gg]

If they are so awful that you don't want to see them or for them to have anything to do with your children then I think you should refuse the cheques.

Bit of a mixed-message going on here really.

[SuperScrimper]

When I was estranged from my Mother I sent all cheques back recorded delivery. No note.

If you don't want a relationship it's really weird to accept money IMO.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Such self absorbed and toxic people like your parents use money and gifts to get back at their errant offspring i.e you in this case for going against their will. They are not above using the children to do this by sending money, gifts etc and this is what is happening here. Its another form of power and control. Such gifts always but always come with unspoken conditions and is certainly not done out of altruistic feelings on the part of their grandparents. Its another way too of disregarding any boundary that you have previously set with regards to your parents.

I would not accept any money or gifts from them; all items as of now should be returned unopened and without any accompaning explanation.

[NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown]

The same as superscrimper: if it were me I'd simply send the cheques back. There's no guilt that you've taken money and therefore 'owe' them something, no waiting for inevitable contact, nothing. They can't fail to get the message really

[Trifle]

Just dont cash the cheques then there is no need to say anything. Your parents will know that the cheque hasnt been cashed.

[BerthaTheBogBurglar]

We get cards from my parents on our birthdays and they go in the bin unopened. I opened them to start with and then realised that people who love you and want the best for you don't use your birthday as an opportunity to control you or emotionally blackmail you. If they genuinely wanted to make amends and start over, they wouldn't send a letter about that on my birthday, would they? Not if they were thinking about me and my feelings, rather than just their own. They'd let me enjoy my birthday in peace and write some other time.

So if they do send cheques, I don't know about it.

You seem undecided about what you want with them. You are estranged, don't want a relationship with them, and yet you are opening post from them and thinking about messages to send them.

I know you said you don't want to just not cash the cheques, as that will lead to contact. What sort of contact? What are you afraid of? Is what they'll do, worse than you sending them the message you suggested? I suspect that they aren't agonising about whether their behaviour is horrible or not.

And if you do send them some message - won't that provoke contact in the same way as not cashing the cheques? I am completely no-contact with my parents because I know that any contact at all will open the floodgates again.

[DeckSwabber]

Depends how final you want this to be. Is there really no hope of reconciliation at any time in the future?

[mirry2]

Just put return to sender on the envelope and pop it in the postbox.

[Abitwobblynow]

I never cashed the cheques. I think returning them is a bit harsh.

[mirry2]

Abit wobly are you the op? I'm confused.

[Abitwobblynow]

And just to warn you: any letters will be full of how could you and do you know how much m or d is suffering, and we are going to die any minute.

Don't read them.

[tribpot]

For your own cheques, you could if you wished pay them into an account solely for this purpose, so that if they ever threw back at you the fact you'd accepted the money you could either:

• make a large donation to a charity you know they would hate
  
• send it back to them with no explanation.
  

This might be less confrontational than telling them not to send it - although less straight forward as well.

[sweetkitty]

I sent the birthday cards back unopened with the cash still in them. From my toxic mother.

She sent me a letter saying everything was my fault, I was a difficult child and made her feel inferior even when I was a small child. She said she has never felt welcome in my house but her money and gifts always were! She's done really weird things like phone up complaining about the cost of Christmas ( the classic feel sorry for me thing), I would say all don't worry about presents for DP and I and get the DC a tiny thing, then she would send cards to the DC with more than double the usual amount in but not even a card for DP and I. Not that we wanted anything but the message was there.

When she never phoned or bothered visiting for DD2s 3rd birthday (she was never interested in DD2) but stuck a card in with my brothers present, I told my brother to take it back. I deliberated about sticking it in a savings account etc but that would have meant acknowledging it in some way.

I also didn't want the "she never calls or visits but takes my money poor me" thing. Now I make as much effort as she does i.e. none, haven't seen her in over 3 years and she has a grandson she has never met. I don't miss her at all, she did nothing positive for me.