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oh gambled and lied

(5 Posts)
PINKYKP Thu 09-Aug-12 20:53:00

I found out my OH was gambling in sept 2009 but he looked me in the eye, cried and swore it was a mistake and he would never do it again, i stupidly beliieved him (because he could look me in the eye) then when I was 2 months pregnant discovered £10,000 of our savings was 'missing', he shouted at me saying i was accusing him of stealing etc but i was convinced he was lying so recalled all savings statements - he had gambled it all. He agreed to go to GA and I have to believe he did - no proof though. Now my DB is nearly 2 years old and my OH and I have not been 'close' since i found out he could look me in the eye and lie, i'm not sure i love him anymore or if its because we have been estranged so long ( he works away in week) how do i know if i love him or if its because i hate him for looking me in eye whilst he lied and gambled our sons future money? I dont know what to do, he is more like a lodger than husband but dont want my little man to lose his dad. why did he have to lie so easily and how can i trust him again, anyone have experience in this?

dequoisagitil Thu 09-Aug-12 21:09:14

Your son will always have a father. You don't have to keep living with the man for him to keep his relationship with his child.

Why don't you have any proof of him attending GA? Hasn't he brought any literature home, attended regular meetings, does he have a sponsor? Is he doing the 12 steps (I assume GA follows the same sort of pattern as AA)? I would expect him to be going out of his way to prove he's sticking to the programme and part of it, afaik, is admitting fault and trying to put mistakes right. Has he shown any signs of regret for what he did?

He did steal from you, from the family he was supposed to be building. Did he ever face up to that?

LoveHandles88 Sat 11-Aug-12 21:48:33

I used to work in a bookies and watched a few people struggle with gambling addiction. One guy would piss away his kids pocket money, his mortgage payment, everything, constantly chasing.
I've never understood it, but after seeing how it can destroy people, I can safely say I'd never do it.
Each bookies has a duty of care, and customers can self exclude from as many shops as they want/need. They have to provide a photo for each shop (in order for staff to recognise them) and fill in a form. They can exclude from 6 months to 5 years as far as I remember. There is also a number they can call if they don't want to attend meetings. If you want to trust him, maybe ask him to do some of these things.
Good luck op.

PINKYKP Wed 03-Oct-12 21:40:33

I'M sorry for not replying / thanking you for your messages earlier but had probs with computer. dequoisagitil thank you for your reply, he never had a sponsor etc just said he used to talk to a man called eamon in maidstone. oh said he stopped straight away and was not really addicted just bored. - dont worry i dont really believe that just cant ask for details as he shouts at me saying i'll never forgive/ let it go, but dont know how he expects me too when he wont let me understand what really happened and the real reason he lied to me. dont think he ever showed remorse- think he was just sorry he got found out. has never tried to talk to me about it even though i held him whilst he cried when i found out the first time! was so angry inside as i dont feel he has ever really apologised or tried to make it up to me but now am just numb and cant get close to him - we are not ever "close" anymore. I wander if I should leave as even now he shows no interest in saving money and we have never had a family holiday. not sure where to go next. Jeremy Kyle maybe ?????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 04-Oct-12 09:09:15

Your 'little man' will be far better off and far more secure living in a household with a mother that isn't miserable, or constantly looking over her shoulder wondering if the bank account has been cleaned out again by a man who can look her in the eye and tell bare-faced lies. Your DH doesn't love either you or his DS as much as he loves gambling. Whether it's an addiction or boredom don't let those crocodile tears fool you.

Go, take your DS, have a holiday, make a good life away from this dead-beat man.

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