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WWYD DH lending money again

(238 Posts)
KatieMorag Mon 06-Aug-12 22:49:00

Dh has a long hiistory of lending our money to mostly family and friends without agreeing this with me first. Sometimes it gets paid back , sometimes not. We've had many many rows about this. He promises faithfully that he won't do it again. Then he does

Usually he lends money to his family. I don't mind if (a) we can afford it ( b) we get it back and ( c) we agree it between us. Sometimes we give money to family too, on the same conditions. This is because we are fortunate to be better off than most of our siblings.

About 10 years ago he borrowed £10,000 to lend to his sister. She never repaid it and it took us years to pay off the loan.

Last year he gave her £1,000 because she said she was in debt and couldn't pay her bills. She then took the money and went to Australia for a months holiday.

Earlier this year he lent a large sum of money to a colleague. By large I mean what I earn in a year. Today I discovered by accident that he's now lent this person another £10k.

I am so angry and Upset I can't even talk to him. It's not just the money, it's the lies , the deception and the broken promises. I don't know what to do.

CarGirl Mon 06-Aug-12 22:50:22

shock

Lucyellensmum99 Mon 06-Aug-12 22:54:16

What cargGirl said! x10

KatieMorag Mon 06-Aug-12 22:56:36

I was beginning to think I was Being unreasonable

ImperialBlether Mon 06-Aug-12 22:57:41

I know what I'd do!

bobbledunk Mon 06-Aug-12 23:08:04

Justified homicide. If you're too nice for that; Divorce.

KatieMorag Mon 06-Aug-12 23:17:23

I was reluctant to post how much money, in case it seems like a stealth boast.but I didn't want you to think I was objecting to him lending his brother £50 to pay the gas bill

I know that so many mumsnetters don't have anything left at the end of each month to buy their kids stuff so I feel a bit guilty somehow to be moaning about money when we are comfortable.

I just feel there is no trust left in our relationship, if he can lie about something this big

ImperialBlether Mon 06-Aug-12 23:19:40

You need to separate your accounts, OP. He can have his share in his and can do what he wants with it. You have yours to do what you want. Then the bulk of it (given you clearly have savings) should be in an account that you can't access without both of your signatures/PIN codes.

MNsFavouriteManHater Mon 06-Aug-12 23:20:54

Could you give me your H's number ?

I have a few grand left on my mortgage that he could sort for me...

Seriously, I wouldn't tolerate this. I would have divorced him a long time ago and kept my share of the marital assets. If he wants to piss his half up the wall, leave him to it

Does he have a desperate need to make people like him ? Because somebody needs to have a word. People don't generally have much liking, nor respect, for people who try to buy affection. They tend to despise them as fools.

MushroomSoup Mon 06-Aug-12 23:26:36

I agree with Imperial. If this is not a 'leave the bastard' deal for you then your money has to be separate. Then he can lend, spend or piss his own money up the wall but yours is safe.

KatieMorag Mon 06-Aug-12 23:39:24

It's not that easy as we run a business together. The money that he has lent to this colleague is actually from our business,we dont have that kind of money in personal savings. He doesn't seem to grasp that it's not OUR money, it's to pay the VAT, tax or wages. Thank goodness we have just paid the VAT. I don't see how I can stop him doing this mind of stuff while still running the business.

And yes you are right, he has a desperate need for people to like him and think he's successful . He thinks that because he's the oldest of his siblings that somehow they are his responsibility ( they are all over 40 BTW and have partners and kids). He says he feels responsible for this colleague because he can't get a low cost loan because joined us less than a year ago, so lenders consider him to be high risk.

MushroomSoup Mon 06-Aug-12 23:42:06

Can't you get someone else to manage ALL the finances so he has no access without a couple of signatories?

MNsFavouriteManHater Mon 06-Aug-12 23:42:53

He is gambling your own family's future to help others who see him simply as an easy Cash Cow

oh dear

KatieMorag Mon 06-Aug-12 23:44:37

I'm thinking about trying to do soemthing like that mushroom. I don't know if this is a " leave the bastard " deal or not no. It's so many broken promises.

I feel really shocked and stunned that he would jeopardise our family over this

chinley Mon 06-Aug-12 23:46:59

Personally I would give him a taste of his own medicine.

Sometimes that's the only way with these types.

MNsFavouriteManHater Mon 06-Aug-12 23:48:19

I am really sorry

How well does he know this relatively-new employee ?

How does he know this person won't disappear with your money ?

People do.

they also target soft touches like your husband. Those who want to big themselves up by flashing cash are often the most needy. The con artists see it a mile off.

joanofarchitrave Mon 06-Aug-12 23:54:27

This is just awful. I do feel for you.

Early in my relationship with dh I agreed to 'lend' about 600 (can't remember exactly) to my dad, without telling dh, which I knew at the time I would never get back. DH of course found out, and was utterly furious and very distressed at not being consulted as he would of course have said no. It put a real crack in our relationship that has been plastered over but has never quite healed, he occasionally still brings it up. I'd never seen lending my dad money as anything but something that HAD to happen, he used to extract money from all us kids, it was just a normal fact of life to me. But I obviously did know on some level that dh wouldn't say yes, or I would have told him about it.

I think your dh owes you an explanation of what goes through his head when he does this and why your feelings and opinions are not a concern in the process.

and i think he needs to explain why you would not be seeking to protect the business from this sort of financial attack. I know very little about legal/financial affairs - could the business be put on a different legal footing so that no individual can spend this sort of amount on their own?

KatieMorag Mon 06-Aug-12 23:57:36

This person has worked for us for 9 months, although we knew him before that. He is relatively well known in our business so I don't think he would run off with the money, but if he quits we would have no way of making him pay it back. Or if he just says that he can't afford to, Dh won't take it out his wages.

I am angry as this person earns a lot, I think that if he wanted to do up his house he should have saved like everyone else, or waited until next year when he could put it on his mortgage. It's not exactly the end of the world to have to wait a year for a new kitchen.

But DH always falls for the sob story, he wants to be seen as mr big. I am so angry

KatieMorag Mon 06-Aug-12 23:59:26

Joan, I asked him why he didn't ask discuss it with me today befroe agreeing to it. He just said he knew I would say no.

MNsFavouriteManHater Tue 07-Aug-12 00:01:23

katie, you sound angry but resigned like you think your hands are tied

they are not

but you will have to use the big guns I think

this man wants to swell his own ego, and he will trample over you to do it

is that acceptable to you ?

LizzieMint73 Tue 07-Aug-12 00:01:36

I think you already know OP that your DHs colleagues/relatives are taking him for a mug. It is probably almost always the case that people who borrow off friends/relatives are doing so because they can't borrow money from the bank and in most cases there is a very good reason for this, ie. the banks, who have lots of experience in these matters, do not think they are capable of paying it back. It invariably causes fall outs when the borrower, claiming to be desperate and about to lose their house, or other terrible fate, then spend the borrowed money on something frivalous like a holiday!

I would tell your DH that if he continues to risk your families financial future and put other people before said family, that it is the end. Also direct him towards this thread, with millions of tales of woe where this kind of thing has gone wrong:

http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=76953

KatieMorag Tue 07-Aug-12 00:01:45

Thank you all for being so kind. I expected a total bollocking from you lot, " middle class problem" etc

WhereYouLeftIt Tue 07-Aug-12 00:02:15

" he has a desperate need for people to like him and think he's successful"
Well, if you don't consider divorce to be an option, then I would insist on him getting some psychological counselling for this, on the basis that it is detrimentally affecting his decisions and his relationships. And he'd be sleeping on the couch, or preferably the couch of someone he has lent money to (it might be a wake-up for him when he finds they are unwilling to have him on their couch), until he agreed to go for that counselling.

chinley Tue 07-Aug-12 00:02:49

Katie this is obviously very upsetting for you so something needs to change.

Seriously, I would show him what it feels like. Take random large amounts of money to 'lend your sister/friend/whatever', without consulting him. Put it in a savings account instead of actually giving it away. Do this until your DH starts to feel how you do now. If and when he ever changes you could then reveal the savings if you wanted (or not).

Inertia Tue 07-Aug-12 00:03:26

Can you set up your banking arrangements so that all payments / transfers above say £500 have to be signed off by both of you ?

I agree that you are not unreasonable. We all help out family when we can, but if your business fails because you're paying for other people's holidays to Australia then you're stuffed. And yes, the deception and broken promises would be unforgivable.

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