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I am so lonely in my relationship

(56 Posts)
Broodymomma Sun 05-Aug-12 14:35:49

Dh and I have been married 10 years and together 13. He is a wonderful man who I totally adore but the last year has just been awful for me and I can't see it changing.

I literally come last in his world with everything seeming more important than his relationship than me. He works constantly and when he is here he is either glued to his phone or ear plugs on with his laptop. I swear he walls about the house with his phone infront of his face, eats looking at it and goes to the toilet. This is all on the rare occasion he is home.

Sex has just stopped. 3 weeks ago he promised .. Tomorrow night, despite trying I am still waiting. I am sick to death of feeling unwanted and unattactive to him. I tried really hard to get our sex life going and he has turned me down everytime saying he is tired but he has energy for work, golf, mates. We sit here in silence most of the time but he does not seem to think their is a problem.

What's brought it to a head is when our ds age 5 was talking about dh dad to my mum. He died before he was born and my mum said you can ask daddy all about him and ds said "dads not in much I don't see him much". It was like a wake up call and broke my heart that I have allowed this to go on so long.

I work part time and dh never seems to arrange to be around when I'm off. For example he has ds today as I was working till 1, I get home and he is gone with him to his mums (who has already seen them both this week twice) with a note saying he will be back about 6. I know ds will have been left there as he goes off and does his thing and it makes me so angry. There is no thought yet again to me sitting here waiting on them getting home and as I get up at 3am for work I'm in bed by 8pm. We literally go days without seeing eachother and no matter how hard I try I seem of no interest to him.

I have told him how i feel and he said he would make an effort to be here more when I am off for family time but it never happens. When it does it often feels lonelier than when he is away if that makes sense.

I feel so taken for granted and like I have a flat mate as oppose to a husband. I feel sorry for ds that he rarely gets time with the 2 of us. It's like I am a inconvenience to him. No matter how many times I tell him it has never changed just got worse. I seem to cry most days and I am so lonely. What would you do? How can you make something better with someone who thinks things are fine as they are. He really does not seem to notice how unhappy I am.

Gumby Sun 05-Aug-12 14:41:04


Could you go for relationship counselling as a last attempt to make it work?

If he won't I think I'd leave
It sounds miserable sad

RandomMess Sun 05-Aug-12 14:43:41

sad sounds like your marriage is over tbh. I would suggest that you book yourself some counselling to have some support if you decide to end it.

Is there any possibility that he is having an affair as he seems emotionally checked out of your relationship and happy to avoid you and is glued to his phone.

susiedaisy Sun 05-Aug-12 14:45:52

So sorry for you op I can totally relate to this with my exH the feeling of loneliness within a marriage, and of a partner who is physically in the house but seems a stranger with his own agenda, it seems to me that unfortunately your Dh has emotionally and almost physically checked out of the marriage, IMO I would try once again to speak to your Him about this and see if you can get a proper answer from him, even suggest couples counselling, see if you can rule out any major worries/depression etc he could be suffering from, but if not and if he won't change then you need to make a decision based on what's best for you and your dc. You have my absolute sympathy it's soul destroying to be with someone who you love with all your heart who acts like they couldn't give a rats ass about yousad

SoleSource Sun 05-Aug-12 14:45:59

What more can you do? Change your shifts at work? Couple counselling? Life is too short for that shyte. You need to make tough decisions. You deserve better.

something2say Sun 05-Aug-12 14:46:45

I'm wondering if the shock principle might work - think up something to shock him, carry it through and then say 'If this doesn't change, we are leaving you.' I think some people (I didn't want to say just men) can let life get like this - letting the days slide by, but if you are as unhappy as you say you are, you owe it to yourself to let him know in no uncertain terms what will happen if change isn't forthcoming, and then go ahead and make said change. The bit about your son is a wakeup call yes - I'd definitely tell your hb about it and ask him if he wants his son to grow up not really being known / knowing his Dad...

solidgoldbrass Sun 05-Aug-12 14:48:12

It really does sound like you would be better off ending this relationship; he's treating you like a free housekeeper. If you want to give it one last try, tell him that you will leave him if things don't improve. This may at least get him to be honest enough to admit that he wants out of the marriage as well - though it's more likely he doesn't want the marriage to end because he prefers to have you on hand for domestic service.

tallwivglasses Sun 05-Aug-12 14:51:26

Poor poor you. Your sadness seeps out of every word sad

I think you need to explain how you feel to him exactly like you have done here - but get ANGRY. How dare he treat you like some part of the furniture? How dare he lie to you - making promises he can't keep? Tell him he's got a month to buck his ideas up or he's out.

Broodymomma Sun 05-Aug-12 14:51:49

The problem is he does not see there is a problem and if I want to speak then speak. He would not to counselling as to him everything is fine he is just busy. Of course it's fine he comes and goes as he pleases, clean home and washing done, child looked after , wife who is so bloody down she just buggers off to bed earlier and earlier every night as it is better than sitting feeling invisible. I tried to chat to him yesterday as he booted up his laptop, he gave me the courtesy of taking 1 earphone out as I tried but held it up waiting to put it back in. I am just so fed up, all I do is work, look after ds. I just want a cuddle but don't even feel comfortable attempting that anymore. I don't want to leave, I love him but just don't know how to make him see I need more from him. I want to feel like a woman again, someone he is attracted to not just the person who does the stuff around the house.

SoleSource Sun 05-Aug-12 14:58:17

You want him more than he wants you. I am in the process of breaking my inherited toxic pathology of what I expect and how I treat myself. I think you mighy want to see a therapist and find out whats really going on with you. You sound very lonely as I was in my relationship. You desrve to treat you with care and kindness.

Broodymomma Sun 05-Aug-12 15:00:57

Sorry everyone lots of crossed posts there.
I have asked him if he wants to end our marriage and he tells me not to be stupid of course not. We took on a business last year and although things were not great before that it has went way downhill since then.

The business was what he wanted I never did. It is his other woman so to speak. It in theory and when I agreed to it was meant to run itself as it has 2 manager in place. Dh intended to be there once a week. Now he goes up to 4 or 5 times a week and where he loves it I hate if. It's driven such a wedge between us and has done more damage to is as a couple than any other woman ever could. The nature of the work does bring him into contact with other woman but no I do not think he is having a affair but it has crossed my mind. When we took it on it was on the agreement that of it affected family life then we stopped. I have told him I feel it is but there is always a reason why that particular week has been bad blah blah blah.

susiedaisy Sun 05-Aug-12 15:01:06

Sounds almost like he is hoping you'll get fed up and check out of the marriage yourself!

susiedaisy Sun 05-Aug-12 15:04:03

It never ceases to astound me how many men will stay in a marriage where they are indifferent to their dw's and even actually dislike them in some cases but they will stay because it's easy and everything is done for them!! And they can stay like that for years!

Broodymomma Sun 05-Aug-12 15:05:35

Susie that is exactly what I think too. He is just waiting till I say it's over as its easier than him being the bad guy.

Viviennemary Sun 05-Aug-12 15:14:45

I agree 100% with Susie. Two people in this marriage. One person seems happy enough with the way things are, and one isn't. Do you think he would be happy to carry on like this for evermore or do you think he wants it brought to a head as it were.

susiedaisy Sun 05-Aug-12 15:15:36

When I left my exH I had to get an court injunction on him because of his behaviour towards me (another story) but The first day I actually left he didn't even bother to find out what why or how, he just carried on as normal, it wasn't until the following day when the papers were served to him and he realised he wasn't just going to stay in the house and get on with his life that he actually stated to panic and try to get hold of me to sort it out!! Basically he didn't give a flying fuck that I had gone and taken the dc with me, he had been so vile towards the end I am convinced he was trying to push me out so that he didn't look bad and could keep the house!! To this day 18 months later his biggest regret so I'm told is losing the house and the family car(he did get a pay out), not losing me and the dc!

susiedaisy Sun 05-Aug-12 15:22:44

broody you are an equal partner in this marriage, you have a voice, don't be afraid to use it, this is your life as well,

unfortunately we can't make someone love , cherish or care for us if it's not there its not there, give yourself a time limit to try resolve this, put a plan in place, it may help you to get back in the driving seat as it were and not feel so helpless,

Broodymomma Sun 05-Aug-12 15:25:44

Susie that is just awful. You are braver than I feel right now. I can't get my head round leaving a man I love and have been through so much with. I miss him now and we are together - of sorts.

I have nowhere to go. All our money is tied up in the business I have enough to live on per month and that's it my wage covers bills mortgage and living expenses. Alone I don't know how I would manage financially. I don't have any help with ds nearby and my parents are elderly and both ill but that's another story. I feel like I have already lost them. I have no other family so without dh I have nobody and that scares me. How could I manage to give ds a decent life and home? He is just about to start school and it kills me to think of turning his little life upside down and to loose our home and all he has known. We are alone here most of the time anyway and we have a good little life together. The sad bits are when he goes to bed and the loneliness creeps in.

susiedaisy Sun 05-Aug-12 15:32:14

Your plan doesn't have to be a leaving plan, (at the moment) you still love him, does he love you? If so then although he is being very neglectful of your marriage there could still be something to work with but you'd both have to want it, if things were good before the new business then this could just be a result of the stress of a new responsibility, but I would still wouldn't let this drift for years.

LovesPeace Sun 05-Aug-12 18:41:51

The funniest thing my ex did when I'd dumped him due to his cheating but were staying in the same house, was to knock on my door one morning and say 'There's no clean towel for my shower'.

I was speechless for a moment or two, so he came in as he thought I hadn't heard him. I laughed and said 'Welcome to your new life'.

But that shows how much consideration the fucker had for me - he wanted to stay, have me look after the house, and be like his mother, really, while he met girlfriends and played with his friends.

Kick him out, OP, you couldn't be any less happy. Or at least take control and tell him you want to leave, see if he is willing to change his behaviours?

Broodymomma Sun 05-Aug-12 20:23:10

The sad thing is I'm not that sure he would care. He came home 45mins before ds bedtime, ate his tea, ds told me about his day then I got him organised for bed whilst he sat on the sofa watching Olympics on his laptop with the earphones in. I took ds to bed then went back down and said I'm going to bed I'm up early, he said yeah night darling. Thats the extent of our conversation today.

He would have been able to tell I had been crying when he came in and I'm very down as if I'm honest I stopped making any effort to talk to him over a week ago now but he either has not noticed or does not care. I feel invisible like nobody would care or notice if i was gone.

Icelollycraving Sun 05-Aug-12 20:26:01

If he is happy to stay,how exactly can she kick him out? That wouldn't be legal. If he wants to remain married but in his own bubble,how would the op actually finish it?

Broodymomma Sun 05-Aug-12 20:35:21

I just want to see some of the passion and energy he shows everything else in life come my way once in a while. To feel he atleast likes me and we don't just co-exist. I don't want my marriage to be over but it's all so one sided. Well it was but I have no energy left to try.

What hurts is that he can't have kids and we went through so much to have our ds and here I am 10 Years down the line having giving up any hope of another child for a man who won't even hold me anymore. The joke of it is we are on a waiting list for adoption all engineered by him. I just don't get why he would want to pursue that if he does not love me anymore it makes no sense.

Icelollycraving Sun 05-Aug-12 20:38:44

Perhaps the adoption is making him feel pressurised or upset? Trying to read a closed book is not a game that can be played for long.

Broodymomma Sun 05-Aug-12 20:44:47


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