DH's use of porn

[wisteriashoe]

Regular but NC for obvious reasons.

I have been married for 5 years. 2 preschool children.

I have to say I'd been OK with very vanilla porn and had even watched it with him. Sex life was normal - no terrible shocks in store, until I discovered websites he'd been looking at when I was pregnant with out first child.

Then last year he said he was 'addicted' and maybe should get help. I was just really angry as I felt he'd just dragged me into this sordid world. I took no part in it. We couldn't afford counselling or anything, and we just limped on. Now our sex life is pretty much dead.

I know he's still visiting these websites. I had a look yesterday whilst he was out. He does delete most of his browsing history. It's fucking disgusting. Look away if you're sensitive. It's 'anal fisting' Nothing like this has even been a suggestion he wants to do to me. That is the length and depth of the 'thing' that he's in to.

Anyway, thanks for reading.

I just don't know what to do. I can't really 'tell' him to stop - he has his own laptop/phone. Any strategies/suggestions most welcome. Thanks.

[puds11]

I really feel for you. I once saw an anal fisting video, and it still makes me feel sick 3 years later

[wisteriashoe]

Thanks puds. It was once on my laptop when I opened it but never happened again.

[puds11]

Does he know you have seen it? Has he ever shown signs of initiating anything like this with you?

I would ask him to stop.

[wisteriashoe]

NEVER with me. Absolutely not.

He knows I saw it originally; then he told me by text - nice - that the reason he hadn't got any housework done that day was because of porn.

I can't believe I'm actually writing this but it's true.

[puds11]

Ewww. Im glad he hasnt tried it with you, that would be a deal breaker. Does he not understand why it upsets you? Its fairly extreme stuff. I'm okish with vannilla porn, but anything like this i find disturbing.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

The only thing you can change is how you deal with it. You can't make him stop using porn.

You can suggest that he read up about the realities of the porn industry and see if his conscience tells him to stop - but it sounds like he is pretty addicted


Is it a deal breaker for you?

It sounds like a crap marriage sadly you may need to tell him to stop or its over.

[wisteriashoe]

I honestly don't know if it's a deal breaker. It should be, but everything else in the marriage is OK.

Even if i told him to stop; I can't check up on him forever. It's so depressing. He brought this disgusting thing into our lives and now I'm wasting energy worrying about it.

[wisteriashoe]

puds - where's the line though? Children/animals/homosexuality... Definitely not OK (for me). Stuffing one body part into another.... ???

[MiniTheMinx]

Wisteria are you going to try and talk to him? He has admitted that he has a problem, he needs help to deal with it.

[wisteriashoe]

I have no idea.

[MyinnergoddessisatLidl]

Fisting during sex is actually more common than people think. However it is not something you wish to engage in and he understands that. He hasn't asked you to participate, or put pressure on.

What I wouldn't want is it shoved in my face when I go to use my computer, or worse when my dc does.

The level of porn he is watching is worrying, and it does sound like an addiciton, he has compartmentalised it into his life and now it is taking up a lot of his time.

And now it's affected your sex life - is that from your side op?

Do you think your relationship could be saved op, if he got over this?

If so then why wouldn't you pay for counselling? In the long term, wouldn't it be more cost effective to solve the problem and stay together. It's not as expensive as people think, if it's an addiction then he could go via his GP?

I wouldn't even attempt to ignore this, or hope he'll get over it. It won't happen by itself and neither of you are qualified to do it alone.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

You sound very passive.

Its your life, your marriage.

You decide what you can accept and what the dealbreakers are - then you tell him what these are.

You need to talk to him.

You say everything is ok - but you say in your OP that your sex life isn't and that the marriage is limping

What if the children see the porn - is the computer protected? Its very easy for them to come across the porn when playing on it. Seeing this kind of crap will fuck them up.

[solidgoldbrass]

You cannot control another person's behaviour, you can only control your own reaction to it. Ordering him to stop viewing porn is not going to work. He is not obliged to obey you.

Remember that it's OK to end a marriage or relationship that is making you unhappy.

[wisteriashoe]

Thanks for your replies. I agree that I can't make him stop. I'm actually not very passive at all. I'm fucked off that my choices seem to be: be OK with it, or end the marriage.

In the interest of balance I would say he is an excellent father. No doubt. Leaving sex/porn aside, he's a brilliant husband too.

I genuinely don't think the children would ever be exposed to it - although I guess as they get older there's a remote possibility about being clumsy and forgetting to delete the history?? Both laptops have passwords. He's actually very careful about covering up his usage, so it's definitely not in my face.

I dunno how sex life got so bad. We work opposite shifts so only actually go to bed at the same time twice a week. I don't initiate anything either.

[OxfordBags]

Pssst, Wisteria - homsexuality is completely normal (even if looking at gay porn in a hetero relationship is not ideal). Please don't lump it in with paedophilia and bestiality!

OP, it's not just the addiction and expecting you to like it or lump it that is the issue here; what does it say about him that he can get his rocks off to such nasty, degrading stuff?! It is an addiction and like all addicts, he needs counselling. Every study on this topic shows that men start needing to look at more and more extreme things. Perhaps your husband did start off looking at people having pretty mainstream sex but he is now into this level of porn. What IS next? Where does he drae the line in his quest to feed his addiction - and where do YOU draw the line in what you will tolerate your partner looking at, knowing how abusive the porn industry is?

This isn't actually about your sex life (don't let him use that excuse either) - it is about him disconnecting from everyday life, particularly family life. Remove the porn aspect from that and he still desperately needs counselling. It's not normal and it's not fair on you and your DC.

[Devastatedgiraffe]

Hi likely, so sorry you are here. How long have you both been working these shifts?

This goes back to when your husband said he felt he was addicted, he told you didn't he! I don't think it means your marriage is dead, and I disagree with mad about choc that your marriage is crap.

Going to bed at separate times has always caused issues in this house, it doesn't work.

[wisteriashoe]

Sorry - Oxford; you're right about lumping them all together. I just think in a hetero relationship that's something declared off limits - although as with this issue, I can't really explain why.

This has been his 'thing' since when I first discovered it. I'm presuming it wasn't a 'gateway' thing. I'd have no reason to presume it's about to get even more sordid.

The porn industry is unlikely to be an issue which has occurred to him. Like wearing something from Primark - you kinda know what's been involved but just get on with it.

I know I'm crashing around here saying stupid stuff, but just trying to explain it.

[wisteriashoe]

Ironically the shift work co-incided with the initial discovery when I was pregnant with our first child (4 years).

[OlivesTorchStreak]

Wisteria, I don't think this a deal breaker.

If your husband and marriage are good in all other respects, then it would be silly to throw it away because of this (at this stage at least), although I do understand how horrid it could make you feel.

I think it is a really positive thing that he told you that he thought he was addicted. It is good that he can admit to you that he has a problem. This should at least help you speak openly about it.

Does he know how much it bothers you? I think that should be your starting point. I agree that you can't tell somebody what to do, but you can make them understand that they are doing something that really upsets you. If he cares about you then he should at least listen and try and work out a way to resolve this.

Also don't forget that porn is not real life, it is fantasy and just because he is looking at those hideous images doesn't mean he wants to re-create them in RL.

I do feel for you.

[wisteriashoe]

I have basically been ignoring this haven't I - even when he asked for help.

We're quite skint, and the thought of spending good money on this makes me cross.

I just want it to go away!

[wisteriashoe]

Thanks. I definitely don't think he wants to recreate this in RL. If I thought he did we'd be in a different position now.

We have talked about it but I just end up having a go at him.

[OlivesTorchStreak]

It won't just go away. If he is prepared to go for counselling you should spend the money on it. It will be money very well spent if you never need to feel this way again.

[wisteriashoe]

Good point.

[wisteriashoe]

He/We have been to counselling before. He was up for it when he did his big 'reveal' last year.

Good point about the internet, but he actually would still need it due to his work.