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Separation & beyond.. Lala goes forth!!!

(636 Posts)
LalaDipsey Wed 01-Aug-12 18:49:07

Hi everyone. Well, the saga continues. H turned up for his single 'abuse assessment session' on Monday to find that the counsellor had, by mistake, booked him in for Wednesday instead of Monday! I was fuming!
I spoke to them and said it may just be one more week to them, but to me I had mentally psyched myself up for H to have this DV assessment and was then ready for a session this Monday coming either together or on my own. Nothing could be done but I was gutted as I had hoped us to be significantly further along by next week and now we won't be.
On the plus side, night 3 of sleep training tonight so hoping for a massive improvement.
Had no idea what to call this thread... Felt this was still the right place as I extricate us from this relationship but I hope by the time this reaches 1000 posts H has either moved out, or is living here whilst the divorce is being processed so I hope the title sums that up!!
Thanks for everyone still with me

LalaDipsey Thu 03-Jan-13 21:06:24

Apologies for hideous grammar 'your' typo!

mathanxiety Thu 03-Jan-13 21:14:12

Lala, don't underestimate the power of a solicitor's letter accompanied by a copy of a divorce petition to get the ball rolling. You can hire a solicitor to say all that needs saying at this point.

mathanxiety Thu 03-Jan-13 21:15:35

The muteness is one of the most prominent and predictable symptoms of EA relationships. EA gets you where the abuser wants you to be and keeps you there.

mathanxiety Thu 03-Jan-13 21:19:00

You overcome it by hiring a solicitor and getting him or her to do your bidding. Abusers by definition do not take seriously one word that comes from their victims' mouths.

You have seen how he ignored all your pleas about drinking until the calendar rolled over to the magic month of January -- he is not going to listen to anything you say about anything. Not drinking, nor being civil to you or the children, nor the question of divorce. Everything you say on the subject of divorce will just be fodder to him, another way to show you that you are nothing, have no say in what happens and no way to influence anything he does.

LalaDipsey Fri 04-Jan-13 20:47:14

Hi math I am trying to work up the courage to mention the 'd' word, or indeed have any conversation. So far I have just managed to be passive aggressive. I haven't talked to him regarding mum booking a holiday for us as it's in July and I figured there was plenty of time. Today, a Butlins brochure arrived in the post and he asked if I was going on a Butlins holiday. I find it impossible to lie to direct questions so said yes. Tonight he asked about it and I answered in a way I knew would piss him off. He has stormed off to bed muttering about me taking his kids away without talking to him. I knew I would annoy him but I hope it may push him away a bit quicker and he will realise I'm making future plans without him. This is day 3 of him not drinking and quite frankly I don't give a shit.

mathanxiety Sat 05-Jan-13 04:09:34

I don't like the sound of the 'taking his kids away' remark. He knows divorce is in the air and he seems to be a proud man who would see a custody case as one where his ego was at stake, and fight.

Are you happy with the solicitor you spoke with a while back or do you think you need to shop around a bit?

mathanxiety Sat 05-Jan-13 04:12:21

This is the man who willingly abandons his children for the pub and the bottle in the study night after night after all. Yet he sees himself in some sort of paterfamilias role all the same. He wants things on his terms all the time.

You are going to have to let a solicitor do your talking for you, Lala. You are not going to make forward progress dealing with him on your own.

LalaDipsey Sat 05-Jan-13 07:13:59

Yes, the solicitor I have ended up choosing I am happy with - in fact there are 2 I am happy with. I saw another one a couple of months ago and it's him I shall go with. I don't think in a million years he will go for custody, math, he's only ever had the DTs twice for under an hour both times and as they're bf he wouldn't manage it legally anyway (hehehe - although DTS is on the 3rd day of a nursing strike ATM which is very worrying). He also spends little time with DD although he does take her to ballet class every Saturday - but he makes no bones that he couldn't cope with her/them ft. If he ever tried to go for custody I would fight sooooo dirty with every incident ever brought up. He wouldn't have a chance. You've got me all riled mentioning it tho which is good I think!!!
He is definitely planning that he is turning over a new leaf ATM. He has just brought me a cup of tea in bed for the first time in months AND offered to take a twin because he isn't hungover. Too little too late though.
You're right re: getting the lawyers involved. I need to piss him off again to iniiate a talk tonight!

wheredidiputit Sat 05-Jan-13 07:57:15

The thing you know he won't want his children, because he has already abandon one family hasn't he.

I would leave mentioning divorce until he has left, as he thinks it just seperation. It will be easier once he not in your home.

mummytime Sat 05-Jan-13 08:18:02

My father fought for custody, and he had had nothing to do with my child care, and had already abandoned another 5 children by another woman. So do not be surprised if he fights for custody, its a control/face saving strategy.

dippyDoohdah Sat 05-Jan-13 08:41:45

glad you have your fires burning la la, but he would never in a million years go for custody so don't let that bother you too much..he would not want to spend the money and am sure he realises that 3 DC would hugely impinge on his drinking pursuits! glad he is doing bits, but as you say, too little too late. amazed at the partners who can behave abysmally then think the odd "favour" will undo years of wrongs...x

SecrectFarleysNibbler Sat 05-Jan-13 08:45:25

Yep - little too late Lala - You MUST keep in mind that this few days of not drinking ect are just another turn of the wheel. You have been on this cycle again and again. Recognise it for what it is -a dirty trick to pull you back in line and make you drop your current stance. its the feeding you a little bit of what you want. You have to keep on looking at the bigger picture and not let these micro events sway you.

Regarding the holiday I would officially notify him that you are going on holiday and then he has no come back on you by accusing you of being uncooperative / keeping him out of the loop. Send him an email telling him the dates and then you have it in writing. I wouldn't underestimate him in terms of fighting for custody - I would assume that he will and plan accordingly - better to be prepared than not - have all your records up to date - keep logging all of his behaviours and comments. Mention your concerns about him going down this road with your solicitor and get his advice too. I hope it doesn't come to this but if it does it will have nothing to do with what he thinks is best for the children it will be a selfish way of spiting you.

dippyDoohdah Sat 05-Jan-13 08:49:01

if he did ever mention custody I think it would just be a way to frighten and control you.his comment was, as another poster said, a machismo flailing dig, I don't think it was anything more, but agree with Farley, it is still best to be forearmed with legal advice regarding all possible scenarios

CornishMade Sat 05-Jan-13 10:18:19

A friend of mine left her abusive marriage where the H had had very little input in the 2 dcs lives, and yet he suddenly was fighting for custody. It is done out of anger, pride, and spite once they realise they are no longer running your life. They want to control and can't let go. Friend's exH said himself that he wanted to make her life as miserable as he could. sad So please be prepared for this scenario. And tell him the holiday dates by email, I agree, so that he can't claim you were hiding anything.

LalaDipsey Sun 06-Jan-13 06:59:34

I did manage to talk a little last night - reiterated I wanted to separate and him to move out and that we needed to start talking practicalities (ie if he moves into unfurnished what stuff he needs).
I cried (damn it) but at least we moved past that pretty quickly!

hillyhilly Mon 07-Jan-13 10:57:34

Happy new year lala, you're still doing well.

mathanxiety Tue 08-Jan-13 06:47:23

Yes indeed Cornish. These things are not unknown at all.

MysteriousHamster Tue 15-Jan-13 11:41:51

How's it going, Lala?

LalaDipsey Thu 17-Jan-13 06:35:14

Plodding along really. Am chivvying him along to find somewhere. He hasn't drunk since nye and is being great, but if anything that's strengthening my resolve as I could have had this (a helpful, participative H) for the past year had he chosen but he didn't, he has chosen to be alcoholic, absent & abusive.
I start the Freedom Programme today. Am worried I will feel like a fraud as H has never beaten me up and the odd incident with dc have been spaced out and a long time ago now.

wheredidiputit Thu 17-Jan-13 09:57:32


Given the freedom programme a go. There is more types of abuse other hitting.

Aussiebean Thu 17-Jan-13 12:07:30

Hi lala. Fingers and toes crossed that things progress quickly for you. Things have been so hard and I am glad you now have some direction.


FiercePanda Fri 18-Jan-13 14:52:17

Well done Lala, you're doing well. Keep being firm with him re moving out, he'll string it out as long as he can ("waaaaaaaaah I can't find anywhere!" etc) but you don't have to listen to it. It's nearly February already, he's had plenty of time doing bugger-all, it's time he looked properly.

I really hope the Freedom Programme helps you find the emotional strength and confidence H has sapped from you over the years.

wheredidiputit Sun 27-Jan-13 06:48:52

Hope you ok and the freedom programme is going well.

How is your H getting on with finding somewhere to live.

blackcurrants Mon 28-Jan-13 01:32:27

hi lala, happy new life smile
hope you and your lovely DCs are doing well. i mainlylurk but wanted you to know i am cheering you on x

Repetitiverobot Wed 06-Feb-13 10:25:17

Hi Lala, hope you're all doing ok. We're all still here thinking of you. x

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