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Separation & beyond.. Lala goes forth!!!

(636 Posts)
LalaDipsey Wed 01-Aug-12 18:49:07

Hi everyone. Well, the saga continues. H turned up for his single 'abuse assessment session' on Monday to find that the counsellor had, by mistake, booked him in for Wednesday instead of Monday! I was fuming!
I spoke to them and said it may just be one more week to them, but to me I had mentally psyched myself up for H to have this DV assessment and was then ready for a session this Monday coming either together or on my own. Nothing could be done but I was gutted as I had hoped us to be significantly further along by next week and now we won't be.
On the plus side, night 3 of sleep training tonight so hoping for a massive improvement.
Had no idea what to call this thread... Felt this was still the right place as I extricate us from this relationship but I hope by the time this reaches 1000 posts H has either moved out, or is living here whilst the divorce is being processed so I hope the title sums that up!!
Thanks for everyone still with me

NoWayNoHow Fri 03-Aug-12 09:12:50

Gosh, lala, he really is either blind and stupid, or incredibly manipulative (and I know which I'd put my money on).

Good on you for sticking to your guns. He's going to try every trick in the book now that he can feel you slipping away, so please be on your guard. One minute it will be flattery and begging and loveliness, the next it may be anger and quite a lot of it (especially once he's had a drink in him).

And I can't tell you how pleased I am that it's all picking up for you on the sleep front. It's about time!!!

mathanxiety Fri 03-Aug-12 18:46:39

The 'jumping into bed with you' and 'do you miss me?' comments are more examples of him simply refusing to listen to you and pretending you have no feelings that are worthy of his notice.

scarletforya Fri 03-Aug-12 19:28:09

grin Lala, I'm so pleased to read about your progress. I posted on one of your original threads.

I'm so happy you are making the break and in a way that you have chosen too.

Since I last wrote on your thread I've had a baby and it only makes me feel stronger that your enjoyment of your twins childhood is so important. Too important to be marred by your (STBX)h!

I just want to wholeheartedly wish you luck in your new happy future and I hope you and your DCs go from strength to strength!

sadwidow28 Fri 03-Aug-12 19:49:56

I think I posted on your other threads once Lala but lurked on them every day. I lost you when you went to the quiet place.

You sound enormously strong and resolute now - Well done! Your twins will appreciate your strength in the future when they are brought up in a loving atmosphere with a happy Mummy.

Keep it up. There is light at the end of the tunnel torch

LalaDipsey Fri 03-Aug-12 21:29:44

Thanks sadwidow and scarlet. I'm not always feeling strong and have had the odd little wobble but my mind is made up.
H has come home today after being away since Monday. I haven't missed him and don't really care he's back, I don't think.
I was reading the EA thread and one of the posts was about them being on holiday so the child was in the same room as them in a cot and they made a noise in the morning so the H shook the cot and said 'shut the fuck up'. Whilst I know this is wrong it didn't shock me at all and in no way seems strange. Wrong, yes but unusual, no.
There's my validation for splitting from him right there!
I do wish I could fast forward the next couple of months and I desperately want this counselling to kick in properly - either 'us' or me on my own so I can have that help to end it properly and start the conversations about him moving out.

MyLittleMiracles Fri 03-Aug-12 22:24:35

LALA the point of mumsnet is that when you do feel weak, and you will, i know i did, but i had the scars <literal> to look at to keep me going. When you are weak we will be here to help you stay strong, if you need a listening ear or someone to hold your hand and reassure you, we are here, i promise that although the next few months will be hard, IT WILL BE WORTH IT. I would say even after the split, keep going to the counselling, even if you feel like you dont need it.

scarletforya Fri 03-Aug-12 22:43:30

Take your time Lala, better to make good moves in your own time!

You're doing great, hope you have a good night with the twins. How are the nights going? I'm letting DP co-sleep with my PFB tonight <bites nails> <adjusts video monitor>

By baby is 6 weeks, how old are the twins now? grin

LalaDipsey Sat 04-Aug-12 06:44:00

Aw Scarlet 6 weeks old congratulations!! How did the co-sleeping go?
Twins are now 7 months which seems unbelievable. Sleep training this week going well - dts now sleeping through 7-5.50; dtd slept 7-12.30 last night (her longest stretch at that time of night ever!) when I fed her and then, although she woke again at 3, 4 & 5 it only took one quick pick up, pat, put back down & age was asleep again. Add dd waking at 2 and I'm still knackered this morning but this is sooooooo much better than a week ago so fingers crossed progress has been made!!

sadwidow28 Sat 04-Aug-12 07:12:16

Lala, you have made your decision - now you have to carry it through.

You really don't have to read other threads to validate yourself.

It is highly likely that once you are less stressed, the twins will be less stressed - and sleeping through the night could be an outcome!

Lala, stay on this thread if you need some support whilst you extricate yourself. I can't advise on all situations because I don't have experience, but I am mighty good at hand holding!

scarletforya Sat 04-Aug-12 10:31:51

That's a great stretch alright Lala, hope the progress continues! The co-sleeping went fine. Both survived, phew! grin

I take my hat off to you coping with three at night!

MyLittleMiracles Sat 04-Aug-12 11:58:53

Although individually we might not be able to give you the information you need we might be able to advise you where to get it and we will hold your hand through it all. If you live near me I would be more than happy to meet up (i know sometimes you just need someone to listen and understand) I was in an abusive marriage.

SecrectFarleysNibbler Sat 04-Aug-12 17:42:46

Just need to check my Euro millions ticket Lala - if I have won I am sending a removals van with instructions for the driver to arrive and shout ' removals for Mr Lala!' this will be closely followed by a battalion of night nannies who will swap the the dc's for a large G&t and a copy of 50 Shades and strict instructions not to surface the next morning until 9am! They will greet you with full cooked breakfast in bed and three perfectly groomed little ones for you to play with!

Keep your fingers crossed!!! Lol! X

legoqueen Sat 04-Aug-12 19:03:34

Good to hear that you are okay Lala & that the sleep training is moving forward. I am certain that when you are less stressed, the DCs will be too, babies are very sensitive to tension x

LalaDipsey Sat 04-Aug-12 19:20:15

Thanks. Secret that sounds amazing grin
H has been bloody useless again today - you would have thought (but then again!....) that after being away all week he would have wanted to spend time with the dc but he has just dipped in & out all day.....
Plus we have tried to move the babies into better sleeping 'vehicles' so dts is out of the travel cot and in a real cot which now means I can't swing a cat in my room and on Monday once the 2nd mattress arrives dtd will be in a cot rather than a crib. At that point I won't be able to access the drawers or the wardrobe and will have to shimmy sideways to get around. The sooner H is out to free up the twins room the better I think!!

mummybussy Sat 04-Aug-12 20:14:31

He's just a complete waste of space, time, air? Isn't he!!
Just a thought, maybe get a camp bed set up in his precious office so you can reclaim YOUR bedroom. He spends so much time in there as it is surely he can sleep there too??

MrsTomHardy Sat 04-Aug-12 20:28:01

Glad things are moving forward for you now.

JUbilympiX Sat 04-Aug-12 21:48:50

Could you move a chest of drawers or wardrobe into the room he's sleeping in (or preferably both)? Then he can shimmy around stuff and you will have some space?

JUbilympiX Sat 04-Aug-12 21:50:16

Or is his room big enough that you could swap rooms around a bit? Rejig the 3 rooms so he gets smallest, you + twins get the biggest and dd the other?

DippyDoohdah Sat 04-Aug-12 22:08:37

Or could you move a wardrobe onto his head?! grin

mummybussy Sat 04-Aug-12 23:28:13

Lol Dippy, that is a good suggestion!

LalaDipsey Sun 05-Aug-12 06:46:09

Unfortunately I already have the biggest room. In H's room he already has the DTs chest of drawers and chest of blankets and crap and can't move around his bed. There is no way around it as long as he is here. If he does refuse to move out once divorce has been mentioned then I will push him. It's just a shame one of the reasons for splitting is that I don't trust him with the dc otherwise he could get a smaller bed and have one twin in with him.
Well, hopefully not for much longer. His DV assessment at relate is tomorrow. They will let us know by Wednesday if they will see us together or if we have to attend separately (& H attend some sort of programme I think). Either way, the following Monday I will be seeing a counsellor.

LalaDipsey Sun 05-Aug-12 06:46:47

Haha Dippy love it grin

DippyDoohdah Sun 05-Aug-12 07:44:42

You have an army of mums netters that am sure would present to help with such a manovre!
I hope counselling appt for him 2moro brings you to fastest resolution...are you prepared for , after,him either blaming you for highlighting his behaviour towards dcs or having a temporary experience of guilt, which could wobble you, but ultimately will not last..

MyLittleMiracles Sun 05-Aug-12 11:55:10

Yes, definitely ignore all tears, they aren't going to change anything. Stay strong. This is the only way forward. I know its gonna be hard and yep definitely have an army of mumsnetters behind you. We are here when you need spurring on and reassurance.

MyLittleMiracles Sun 05-Aug-12 11:56:54

Yes, definitely ignore all tears, they aren't going to change anything. Stay strong. This is the only way forward. I know its gonna be hard and yep definitely have an army of mumsnetters behind you. We are here when you need spurring on and reassurance.

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