Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Separation & beyond.. Lala goes forth!!!

(636 Posts)
LalaDipsey Wed 01-Aug-12 18:49:07

Hi everyone. Well, the saga continues. H turned up for his single 'abuse assessment session' on Monday to find that the counsellor had, by mistake, booked him in for Wednesday instead of Monday! I was fuming!
I spoke to them and said it may just be one more week to them, but to me I had mentally psyched myself up for H to have this DV assessment and was then ready for a session this Monday coming either together or on my own. Nothing could be done but I was gutted as I had hoped us to be significantly further along by next week and now we won't be.
On the plus side, night 3 of sleep training tonight so hoping for a massive improvement.
Had no idea what to call this thread... Felt this was still the right place as I extricate us from this relationship but I hope by the time this reaches 1000 posts H has either moved out, or is living here whilst the divorce is being processed so I hope the title sums that up!!
Thanks for everyone still with me

dibs78 Tue 20-Nov-12 18:53:25

Meant to's the minimum a normal decent guy dies but it's taken all if this in order for him to buy his dw flowers/card and a steak?!?! Way too little...way too late!!!!!

zxcv123 Wed 21-Nov-12 08:46:49

Re your planned conversation this weekend - just write down what you want to say to him, read it out and mean what you say. There will never be a "perfect time" to end it. There will always be loose ends and things you wish you'd said/done/resolved in a relationship like this. But it doesn't matter. All that matters is that you end it, even if it's done in a messy way.

I thought of you last week. We had to phone a father to collect his ill child. He turned up drunk, wanting to drive his child home. We took the decision not to allow him to do that. Could not get hold of the mother as she was not picking up her mobile. Distraught child sobbing, father saying he was in rehab and promising it would never happen again etc. It was a total mess - police and social services now involved. Please don't let that be your DCs in a few years' time. Get out now whilst they are still young enough for you to pick up the pieces.

SecrectFarleysNibbler Thu 22-Nov-12 18:16:56


LalaDipsey Sat 24-Nov-12 11:11:59

Ok so we didn't talk last night as H was too pissed (IMO not his!). I said I wouldn't talk when he had been to the pub so we agrees to talk Sunday night (obviously wouldn't miss a Saturday trip to the pub methinks!).
He has said some odd things tho - yday he said when should we get the xmas decs out and that why didn't we get a new dec every year so that in ten years we had amazing decs??!!! This is the man who, on Monday night, said he knew what the outcome of the talk would be!!!
He has had flashes of Disney Dad but is currently on sofa cuddling DD napping (him not DD!). I asked if he would take her to the start of a party this afternoon as it starts in the middle of DTs nap and I Would come up as soon as they woke. He suggested he took DD early and they went out to lunch first. I asked DD this morning if she'd like that and she got very excited. Needless to say his hangover is kicking in hence the sofa sleeping. She keeps asking when they are going out and he just grunts and mumbles 'later'. He can't see that its because he's hungover tho he would say he's tired from the working week (he worked from home for 4 days this week and has got up at least 2 hours later than me and dc every morning and he has had uninterrupted nights sleep so don't talk to me about tired you twunt!
ok so wobbles gone I think. Project marriage over to commence tomorrow evening!

Repetitiverobot Sat 24-Nov-12 15:55:37

Hi. It mummybussy with a name change here! Just wanted to wish you luck and let you know I'm still here watching and sending you lots of strength!!

Blending Sat 24-Nov-12 16:01:06

You sound nice and resolute Lala, I just wanted to say good luck, and echo what others have said.

Be clear about what you want to happen, and by when. Remember this is not a negotiation. You have came to this very difficult point with a lot soul searching, and have given him the opportunity to change.

YOU have come to the conclusion that he will not change.
YOU have decided you and your children deserve a better life, where you are not let down continually or walking on egg shells to avoid confrontation/
YOU have decided you are ready to do this.

What willl his reponse be? Contrite? Pleading? Angry?
How will you deal with that?
Does he believe that he can throw you a bit of Disney Dad, or another promise and you'll back down?

I believe that forewarned is forearmed. So think it through so you are ready, and wont be thrown when he tells you that yes he will "cut down the drink, but it would be unreasonable of you to expect that right now, with Christmas comming and everything..."

I didn't mean to post such a long reply!

Good luck and remember we are here regardless of what does or doesn't happen, it is all about you and your lovely miracle babys.

LalaDipsey Sun 25-Nov-12 13:23:48

Thanks all. I need encouraging messages! Just the odd little wobble here and there as he has been pretty good.
What am I saying?!?!?! Pretty good?!? He got paralytic on Friday so did nothing all day yday and I took all 3 dc to the party as he needed to 'sleep and watch the rugby!'
Ok so he cooked me dinner but it was just freezer -> oven -> plate stuff!
Just remembering it's HIM ending it with his behaviour, not me. Gosh. 19 years. 3 children. Must not linger on those thoughts!
Bolster me up if you can! Thanks smile

zxcv123 Sun 25-Nov-12 15:29:00

The best advice I can give is to stop thinking about HIM. It really doesn't matter what he says / promises etc at this stage. You don't need HIS permission to leave. You don't even have to explain it all to him thoroughly if you don't want to or start getting tongue-tied.

Your top priority has to be your DCs' health, safety and happiness. It may be sad, but it's true nonetheless, that you and your DCs will do so much better once he's no longer around.

LalaDipsey Sun 25-Nov-12 17:56:45

Well FW went out to the pub at 3.45 so that kiboshes any talk tonight. Sabotage?!

FiercePanda Sun 25-Nov-12 18:37:28

Of course hes sabotaging this. If he cared about saving this sham of a marriage at all he'd be at home with you. You can see how important you are to him. angry. Why wait to talk yet again, just for your words to fall on deaf ears? You know what you HAVE to do - and what's more, he does too, that's why he's at the pub ignoring you until you give in again. You don't need his permission. Please, put the wheels in motion to be free, so you and your DCs can be happy.

LalaDipsey Sun 25-Nov-12 18:52:27

The whole point of this talk is to end it, not to talk about issues again but I won't end it when he is pissed. He is unpredictable and may not remember!

mammadiggingdeep Sun 25-Nov-12 19:31:54

I've been following your thread.don't know if I've missed you discussing this, so forgive me if I have, but would it be possible for you to change locks/ put a bag on the step??? It seems you're waiting for a convo to finish it (I know that's the civil way of doing it) but if he's sabotaging and refusing to sit and talk I think you need to just do it.

MysteriousHamster Sun 25-Nov-12 20:21:44

Thing is, the first night he's not pissed he'll probably act all understanding for one night only, and you might find it too hard to do (which I have sympathy with!), so perhaps it's better to do it AND just tell him again tomorrow when he's not drunk.

You can do it!

dribbleface Sun 25-Nov-12 20:30:17

Ok, have lurked from your very first post/thread. Just wanted to say stay strong, could you arrange for someone to have the children one morning, as If you wait for evenings the odds are he will have had a drink.

FiercePanda Sun 25-Nov-12 20:38:00

Just tell him straight. There's no need for a big elaborate conversation. Your decision is made, done, you know you won't change your mind. Tell him, and if he feigns amnesia, keep telling him, and keep showing him by getting in touch with your solicitor, organising the junk from the essentials, telling him what he has to do. You no longer want to be in the relationship and he cannot force you to stay in it, nor do you need to wait for him to "let" you separate. In a split there will always be one party who is unhappy and doesn't want it to happen - that's almost inevitable - but you have got to take control of your life without him dragging you and your DCs down.

SecrectFarleysNibbler Sun 25-Nov-12 20:59:22

Hi Lala,

You have to shift your mind set from considering his feelings to only considering your own and the children. He has repeatedly demonstrated he is un-reliable in his consistency and this really does free you from your obligation to him and his feelings. So....... He does not need to even be present when you decide it's over - he just needs to be informed that that is the case in a very matter of fact manner - this communication is NOT a discussion -( as you have identified in above posts there is nothing left to discuss) you need to be clear in your mind that it is very simply over : " this is over, we are done and this is what is happening now....." If he try's to begin a negotiation or discussion you need to stop him and refer back to the first sentence and just keep repeating it. You could leave without even speaking to him if you wish. I think you have some vision of an almighty showdown event where holy hell happens and it scares you and I can understand that. BUT the stage managing of this is in your hands - plan it out - have people with you to support you if you need to, talk through a plan that gives you the advantage and the higher ground to be in control of what happens. You SO know how unacceptable his behaviour is - get mad if you have to, he must not rob you all of another day of your lives, sometimes you just have to grab a scary thing and do it. I am sending waves of girl power at you Lala!! Xx

LalaDipsey Sun 25-Nov-12 21:30:00

Hi. Thanks I am trying to remain clear.
H tried to start a conversation - he said communication was our biggest problem (?!). I just said we had a lot of problems but I want going to talk when he was pissed. He said he didn't want to leave it til next weekend so we can talk tomorrow. hmm
At least I have a solo counselling session tomorrow (as long as DTD is well enough to leave) - last session - so hope that helps me with some pointers.
Thankyou for all your posts - they are helping - I kind of need cheering on now to cross that line!

MrsHoolie Sun 25-Nov-12 22:24:38

<de lurking>
We're all rooting for you Lala.
If you wait until he's alcohol free to have a chat then you may be waiting a while.....
Best of luck.

FiercePanda Sun 25-Nov-12 22:55:53

Remember as well, Lala, in his mind nothing's going to change because he can switch back to Disney Dad mode and make you question your decision again. Please don't let him. You know it's all an act, you know drinking will always come first to him, you know you deserve better. He's had plenty of warning, he's known for months how you've felt. If he had ANY inclination to change, he would have done it months ago. Lala, I've been posting and easing since your first thread, I know how hard you've tried to make this work and how many chances you've given him to try to change. You've done everything any woman could do to try to make your marriage work. You haven't failed - he has.

Good luck Lala, I'm cheering you on here. Xxx

FiercePanda Sun 25-Nov-12 22:56:44

reading, not easing. Stupid autocorrect! angry

RedMolly Mon 26-Nov-12 12:16:20

Good luck for tonight. Remember all you need to say is that it is over. You don't need to justify yourself to him, or go over all the details again. You are telling him, not discussing it with him. Will be thinking of you.

RedMolly Mon 26-Nov-12 12:20:15

Also meant to say, make it very clear to your counsellor that you are ending it tonight. Make sure the focus is on giving you the confidence to see it through, and don't let the session go down any other avenue. Time to find that roar.

Blending Mon 26-Nov-12 17:01:40

You can do this.

You are absolutely right to think he's sabotaging your attempts to talk about it in an adult manner. He is also trying to keep his head firmly in the sand with his talk of long term plans. Think of him as a toddler sticking his fingers in his ears and refusing to look at you, when he dosen't want to hear you (Or is that just my toddler?!)

Pom Poms at the ready!

NoWayNoHow Mon 26-Nov-12 18:19:43

lala, everyone on this thread has been behind since day one.

You DON'T need his permission to end it
You DON'T need to have a discussion with him about it again
You DON'T have to enter into any negotiation with him - time for that has past
You DON'T have to play second fiddle to alcohol a moment longer
You DON'T have to justify your decision to him at all - he knows why it's over
You DON'T have to give him any more chances - he's thrown every previous chance back in your face

You ARE strong enough to do this.

NotWilliamBoyd Mon 26-Nov-12 19:41:52

Thinking of you this evening Lala

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now