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Can i have some advice please.

(94 Posts)
carernotasaint Mon 23-Jul-12 16:43:41

Can i have some advice please.
(3 Posts)

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carernotasaintMon 23-Jul-12 16:07:31

Its about my DBs daughter whos 17. Her parents my DB and his ex split up when she was a toddler.
DN is now at college but hasnt been doing all her coursework so to punish her she has been stopped from going on hols with DB. Shes also been made to close her Twitter account and they have confiscated her mobile phone (its a very old phone with NO internet access.) just calls and texts. Last time they confiscated the same mobile phone for TWO YEARS. There is no way she can contact extended family.
At the moment she is on a placement locally and has asked me if i have a spare phone she can have. I do (i was going to give it to her anyway as DH bought me a new one for my birthday.) this phone DOES have internet access but i would rather she had a phone just for safety sake.
Over the weekend theres been another problem. Shes managed to get a message through to me that her younger brothers used to beat her with certain implements.
I told DH and hes told me not to take it seriously. Hes also told me not to sneak her the phone as it will cause trouble for DB and he might be stopped from seeing her. What the hell do i do

carernotasaint Mon 23-Jul-12 21:36:54

I have learnt a valuable lesson tonight. Dont come on the Relationships board and ask for advice about a child/minor unless you are a parent yourself. Lesson learned and taken on board.

Offred Mon 23-Jul-12 21:40:01

Ok, well I hope everything works out for your DN and if you have actual concerns about her mum please report her and don't waste time faffing on MN. Also please consider reporting what happened when you were on workfare as it is something very important which really needs to be considered by workfare providers.

izzyizin Mon 23-Jul-12 21:40:44

Aw jeez, Offred, have you eaten something that doesn't agree with you?

Having read carer's thread in Chat, if this young girl was being treated in such a blatantly oppressive way by a dp or dh, you'd be the first to say 'leave the bastard'.

So, her df is colluding with his ex in punishing their dd in a manner that owes more to the Victorian age than the 21st century, carer? Shame on them.

Unsurprisingly, I'm with Birds. Your dn has been able to vote with her feet for some considerable time now and, if she is minded to do so, she can let her tootsies do the walking to her local authority's SS offices while they are still obliged to accomodate her. If she leaves it until she's 18 her current statutory entitlement will decrease to approximately zero.

If I were you I'd arrange to meet up with her, listen to what she's got to say and, if appropriate, appraise her of her rights, slip her a mobile phone, and assure her that I was available 24/7 should she decide she's had enough of her dps. But that's me - the scent of injustice has always been my downfall bete noir and I very much doubt that's going to change any time soon.

Alternatively, you can buy her dps individual copies of 'How to talk so that kids will listen and listen so that kids will talk' but I'm guessing a) it's far too late for them to learn and b) they're so far up themselves they'll have no interest in doing so.

carernotasaint Mon 23-Jul-12 21:44:29

Thanks izzyizin. Im sorry if this thread end up going pffft soon.
i asked for it to be deleted.

NorksAreMessy Mon 23-Jul-12 21:45:26

carer please unlearn that lesson.
You have a perfect right to ask for advice about a child that you care about, of course you do. Please don't let the thread be derailed.

I think you could very possibly be the trusted person and saviour for this vulnerable young girl. Please allow us to support you

Offred Mon 23-Jul-12 21:46:12

Why am I being the one being confrontational? I'm not the one being shouted at. I'm quite shocked about the reading of the benefit claim and I think she should report the mother or speak to her brother if she had concerns and not interfere and undermine her DN's mother. That's all, it is my opinion, based on having, as I said, an xp who lies about having given me maintenance, incites people to harass me and my children in the street and who gets his sister hyped up to bully me. I'm not saying this is what is happening, what I'm saying is that given the op is the sister of the child's mother's xp, unless she has concerns it really isn't her place to comment on the mother's home and how she chooses to parent the child, that is down to her brother to arrange with his x. What she has said so far only shows a differing opinion about how to parent.

Offred Mon 23-Jul-12 21:46:52

Well I've already said I can't read chat and carer had not volunteered further info.

izzyizin Mon 23-Jul-12 21:46:53

FTR, I am a dp and I experienced a not dissimilar situation in relation to one of my then teenage dc's schoolfriends.

After being accomodated by her local authority, the dc in question was able to effect a reconciliation with her dps after they'd had time to consider their position and adjust their unrealistic expectations to take account of the fact that their infant had become a young person with a mind and a
will of her own while they weren't looking.

It happens; and when it happens the needs of the dc are of paramount importance. Don't let anyone tell you any different, carer, as children truly are our future.

carernotasaint Mon 23-Jul-12 21:47:07

Thankyou. I swear i am not the sort to interfere. If everything turns out ok i will just step back and let them get on with it.

izzyizin Mon 23-Jul-12 21:49:14

Please rescind your request for this thread to be deleted, carer.

You came to the right place and Offred'll get themselves back on track as soon as they're able to drop some Rennies read your other thread.

As a backup I'm going to copy what I've written here and paste it in your Chat thread.

Offred Mon 23-Jul-12 21:50:19

So what is actually going on then? If there is something i think it is pretty unfair of you lot to all shout at me about it when I can't actually read it. Being stopped going on holiday and having phone confiscated is not child abuse on it's own. That is all I know about because it is all that is written here.

carernotasaint Mon 23-Jul-12 21:51:19

Offred im sorry for what you are going through. He is abusing you and using family members to do so. That is the lowest of the low. And hes not taking responsibility for his child either. Believe me offred men like this disgust me.

carernotasaint Mon 23-Jul-12 21:52:52

DB and his ex seem to have agreed on the punishment and it is impossible to talk to him where his ex is concerned. I will give you an example. My DF has given my DN a lift home from college a couple of times and DN has said not to drop her off directly outside her DF wasnt taking any nonsense and dropped her off outside her house anyway.
Apparently no one is "allowed" to be directly outside the exes house except DB to drop off DN. This rule is coming from DBs ex NOT DNs idea.

Offred Mon 23-Jul-12 21:52:57

Please can you stop passively aggressively attacking me and look at it on the basis of what has been said on this thread which is all I can read.

carernotasaint Mon 23-Jul-12 21:54:52

NO ONE is allowed to drop DN off at her house except DB. This "rule" has been in force since the 1990s.
Is there any kind of organisation that i can phone just for advice? (im now pasting my posts from the chat board earlier)

Offred Mon 23-Jul-12 21:56:09

Call NSPCC who now have the authority to call SS direct - 0808 800 5000

carernotasaint Mon 23-Jul-12 21:56:11

carernotasaintMon 23-Jul-12 16:54:45

DB and his ex seem to have agreed on the punishment and it is impossible to talk to him where his ex is concerned. I will give you an example. My DF has given my DN a lift home from college a couple of times and DN has said not to drop her off directly outside her DF wasnt taking any nonsense and dropped her off outside her house anyway.
Apparently no one is "allowed" to be directly outside the exes house except DB to drop off DN. This rule is coming from DBs ex NOT DNs idea.

izzyizin Mon 23-Jul-12 21:56:21

No-one's shouting at you, Offred, but you are making one hell of a fucking racket all by yourself shock

Do you always hog the bogie? hmm

carernotasaint Mon 23-Jul-12 21:57:34

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carernotasaintMon 23-Jul-12 17:17:39

See im not a mum myself so thats why i thought it best to get advice from ladies who are. Last time they confiscated her phone for TWO YEARS which was over the top IMO and they havent said when she can have it back this time

Offred Mon 23-Jul-12 21:58:05

I do think this is a difficult situation but really, looking at it objectively, how do you actually know that is the truth? If you are worried about it it is good to get advice but also to find out whether it is true before you make life changing decisions.

carernotasaint Mon 23-Jul-12 21:59:13


Birds gotta do you mean PR as in parental responsibility. DB hasnt got it. Hes never had it. He decided not to go for PR many years ago.

izzyizin Mon 23-Jul-12 22:02:59

You do not have to be a mum to have your heart in the right place, carer.

Listen to yours and, before you think about calling the NSPCC, meet up with your dn and encourage her to call Childline 0800 1111 if your heart tells you it would be appropriate for her to do so - and stuff your db and his ex and Uncle Tom Cobley & fucking all because what counts here is your dn's welfare and wellbeing and nothing else.

izzyizin Mon 23-Jul-12 22:04:14

Parental responsibility is a non-issue. Your dd is of an age to determine who she wants to live with - and that needn't be either of her dps.

carernotasaint Mon 23-Jul-12 22:06:01

Ive asked mumsnet NOT to delete. Hopefully ive got there in time.

Offred Mon 23-Jul-12 22:08:49

I do think you should speak to NSPCC. When I was a child I tried several times to get through to childline unsuccessfully. It is damaging. You should call if you are concerned because they will give you advice about what to do based on the full story, if you ask her to call you are getting her to take responsibility for something you are worried about - even if she is being abused she may not see it that way, if she isn't she won't call and you will carry on having concerns (she may not call anyway).

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