Ageist friend - very annoying!

[mummatotwo]

I have a friend in our local group of mumsey friends. Im prob the oldest (early 40's) she is prob 5-6 years younger BUT she is always having a pop at my age, coming out with silly remarks like - "oh it must be your age", Oh your acient, youre getting on now, are you using more wrinkle cream etc... There are a couple of others 40ish but she never says anything to them.

It's really getting on my nerves as she says it in front of everyone who laugh and think she is shockingly cheeky.

She get the impression she is dreading her 40th and feels that youre over the hill once this set in - if she feels like this why make fun of me?

It's getting to the point that I want to say something back but dont want to get into a cat fight - she is a popular member of the group

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

What a CAAAAHHHHH!!!! And people who titter along with her are just as bad. You don't have to get into a cat-fight but you have to get some withering put-downs ready for next time. The classic MN rejoindre of .... 'did you mean that to sound so rude?' ... is always handy. Can I also recommend

"At least face-cream tackles my imperfections... you'd need a personality transplant to tackle yours"

[AKMD]

I would have a word with her 1-1 and say how this is upsetting you. With any luck she'll feel awful and apologise and you can move on. Responding in public just invites escalation.

[sugarice]

What a bitchy immature woman she sounds! I'm rubbish at quick witted put downs but don't avoid using one when she says it again. Does she have a face like a slapped arse by any chance?

[HecateHarshPants]

What about a nice, calm, "Actually, i am very comfortable in my skin and with my age. It really doesn't bother me. When you do get older, you start to realise such silly little things don't matter."

In your most patronising tone, of course

[Shmumty]

Next time she does this, say in a little voice: "Oh. That's a bit mean isn't it?"
Then look at her and say absolutely nothing.

[HecateHarshPants]

ooh, or what about "oh well, when you get to our age, you just have to accept it, don't you"

And when she says that she's not your age, you laugh and say "well, when you get to our age, a few years makes no real difference"

[akaemmafrost]

"well, it comes to us ALL......"

And gaze at her meaningfully.

[cocolepew]

Look at her like this

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

BTW... you know what to do when she hits 40 don't you? A nice presentation pack of Steradent, Werthers Originals and Tena Ladies.....

[Iheartpasties]

Yes this sounds very annoying, a little chat one to one is probably best, if that doesn't suit then a one of the above put downs would feel good I'm sure.

[Tamisara]

Is she really popular or people like her because she is intimidating?

Maybe ask her if she secretly fancies you, as "quite often we tease those who we are attracted to.

I imagine that she is probably quite (secretly) immature, and picks on you to make herself feel better.

If she mentions anti-ageing cream again, offer to give it to her, saying that you've noticed she looks like she needs it!

[Ice9116]

This really bugs me too but for me its the other way round - I am 25 just turned and am heartily sick of hearing "was DD an accident?" or "at your age I was clubbing and making rash decisions so maybe you'll realise how serious parenting is when you grow up" or "you want to look after your own baby and not send her to nursery - are you sure you're old enough" - granted this is mostly one parent (from my NCT group) but argh! Also I KNOW that most ppl of a similar age have been driven away from parenting groups in the area due to the sheer number of such comments from "proper" parents (informed by surestart centre leader and HV.

OP - I like the "did you mean to be so rude?" suggestion

[OwlsOnStrings]

I think she's protesting too much. If she's only 5-6 yrs younger, it sounds like she's got a complex about turning 40. It makes her feel younger, to act like there's a big age gap between you. There isn't.

But even if there were 15-20 years between you, she would still be acting like an arse. If it wasn't age it would probably be something else.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

" if she feels like this why make fun of me?"

I think the truth is that she is an attention-seeking bully and her behaviour has nothing to do with deflecting her own fears about getting older. She regards your age as your weak-spot and she's picking on you. She'll only stop when you stand up to her and tell her ... in not so many words perhaps... to take a trip to the far side of fuck.

[OwlsOnStrings]

And next time she talks about wrinkles or whatever, just smile sweetly and say "Ah, well, it's only to be expected at OUR age, isn't it? I've started using a wonderful cream - here, let me write the name down for you..."

[Proudnscary]

What cocolepew said.

It's the only way - contrived and practised putdowns will come out too aggressively and you will seem like a loon. If she's a normal human being she will get the message. If she doesn't, repeat until you achieve desired result.

[Mayisout]

Exactly how old is she, if not far off 40 then you can respond with 'Oooo count down time for you DF' or ' unlike you I don't let it bother me!'

It's a sort of bullying imo, belittling someone in front of others which makes it hard for them to reply honestly.

[bookends]

I agree with Cogito...bite the bullet and tackle her. She's a bully and having a laugh (?!) at your expense. Don't spend time being nice to her, repeat what others have said out loud, so that the 'tittering group' (sheep), hear. Either 'here we go again' 'What IS your problem?' or something like that. Nip it in the bud. Good luck

[mummatotwo]

:) :) :)
Im laughing my socks off here and feel so much better about myself now

She is one of those people who likes to know everything about everyone else and asked questions that most want to ask and dont as if she is storing up information for use later or to judge. She doesnt speak about herself much I think she is 7 years younger than me .... she is a popular member of the groups and sometimes comes across as miss prissy, miss goodie goodie. If there was a fall out I think others would feel arkward

I just dont like the fact that she targets me EVERYTIME we have a meet up and does it in ear shot of everyone else.

Im liking the "did you mean that to sound so rude" !

[mummatotwo]

But where do you think she targets me?

[Proudnscary]

'Did you mean to sound so rude' is a true Mumsnet classic!

[sugarice]

She may well be jealous of you and that's why she has singled you out, are you glamorous and well turned out?. She's still a bitch and needs taking down a peg. Good luck

[Viviennemary]

Could you say in a haughty voice 'Do you have a particular problem with people's ages. you always seem to be mentioning it.' Or 'With age comes maturity and good manners. It will be your turn eventually.' She sounds a proper playground bully.

[Headagainstwall]

The reason she picks on you will most likely be jealousy, it usually is. If all she has to put you down is the fact you're a couple of years older than her, then well done, you must be quite a catch :)

The fact she does it in front of everyone else is interesting tho. Would you say you were also popular in the group? Could she be jealous of that? If so, publicly humiliating her might just make her worse.

[mummatotwo]

not to blow my own trumpet but I think I look pretty ok/good for my age, I take pride in my hair and wear make up and Ive lost a stone recently which she has commented on.

One thing that does niggle at me is that a couple of years, this soudns stupid but wondering if this is why.

We were at her house and they had just got a new puppy who was asleep on the landing, her partner asked me to come upstairs to look (without her knowing) the puppy was fast asleep on her back snoring, all very funny and cute. We were up there for prob 2 mins tops if that as we desended she said
in a very sarcastic voice - "What on earth ar you two doing up there"....