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Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 8

(461 Posts)
CailinDana Tue 17-Jul-12 08:22:37

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

dottyspotty2 Tue 17-Jul-12 17:48:14

Thanks ladies went into an old church today my choice to go must say I felt totally at peace in there not felt that way in a long time

CailinDana Tue 17-Jul-12 17:49:35

That's good dotty. I find churches very peaceful too although for some reason if I go to mass (was raised Catholic but rarely practice any more) it tends to make me cry, I don't know why.

NaturalNatures Tue 17-Jul-12 18:22:46

I love the architecture of religious buildings but don't do religion anymore, I spent a lot of time in chapel before we moved back so I've made my piece.

Photogate continues, a box turned up on my doorstep of childhood photos. I went from an ott happy kid to dead in the eyes. I shouldn't complain as I was lucky before that and some kids never have the things I did, just think the price was too high maybe <kicks self for maudling>

dottyspotty2 Tue 17-Jul-12 18:53:05

Natural I was brought up strict catholic and lost it all due to different things the last year has changed me so much felt a real sense of peace today. I have childhood photo's very faraway look in my eyes makes me sad I'm happy but not happy iyswim

NaturalNatures Tue 17-Jul-12 20:12:10

Oh yep, there's photos of me before with a sparkle in my eye, after, nothing. I don't look like the same person at all.

Do you think you'll get a sparkle back? I have a friend who gets worried when my sparkle goes so I do have some left/back.

Amitolamummy Wed 18-Jul-12 00:40:35

No sparkle here at the moment. My youngest is poorly and i'm so tired i'm delirious. Just marking place so can find new thread

Evening everyone.

Dipping in and out still so I do apologise. Still feel bit uncomfortable with people knowing though its through the internet and I haven't gone into detail.

Saw the basterd today too.

CailinDana Wed 18-Jul-12 08:23:45

Morning all. I have zero energy today. Can't wait for the week to end sad

dottyspotty2 Wed 18-Jul-12 08:33:28

Morning going to see in-laws today had a nice evening in pub last night [again] DH and DS went to play pool and I ended up in pieces for no reason DH reckons it was cause I had time to think.

NaturalNatures Wed 18-Jul-12 11:08:17

I'm ill, upset tummy and builders are painting the building so I can't stay in bed but I can paint the cubby hole as it's next to the toilet

CailinDana Wed 18-Jul-12 12:35:49

Sorry to hear you're ill NN, hope you feel better soon <hug>

NaturalNatures Wed 18-Jul-12 12:55:24

Hope you find some energy soon <hugs back>

Offred Wed 18-Jul-12 12:55:40

Hello all, stress tummy NN? sad what a nightmare. Would like a lazy day today but no such luck. Out for dinner on sat though, looking forward to that.

dottyspotty2 Wed 18-Jul-12 14:59:32

Just left in-laws had a pub lunch AGAIN just had a salad though need to try being good was asked how things where progressing so told them they are just so nice its hard to accept for me.

chipsahoynicki Wed 18-Jul-12 15:04:06

Afternoon all,

SP that must be so hard seeing him.
Amitola, I hope your DC feels better soon.
NN sorry to hear your sick as well.
Dotty, it sounds like you have some good support, that's great. It's not easy to realise that people do care when you aren't used to it.
What's going on Cailin? Lack of sleep?

I've just been to work for a bit, I start back in September, it's good to go in and help out, kinda gets me used to it. I'm nervous to go back, my anxiety is very high right now, particularly this week, but I managed to do ok in work today.

NaturalNatures Wed 18-Jul-12 15:33:39

That's good Chips, are you going back full or part time? Can you pin point your anxiety and find control points?

Offred, hope you enjoy sat out.

Dotty, I always go on eat what I want then do extra exercise.

Amitola, hope he's better soon.

Sp, you can always namechange for posting here.

I think I have a bug, temp etc, felt funny yesterday too. <fantasises about scampi and chips in a basket>

CailinDana Wed 18-Jul-12 15:37:00

I'm sleeping grand chips, just early pregnancy tiredness. I had it worse with DS actually, but I suppose that was because I was out at work all day. I used to come home from work, sit down on the couch and just conk out, it was awful. At least I manage to stay awake these days. Just feeling the tiredness more today for some reason. I'm due to go out with some friends later and I'm dreading it to be honest, although it will be good fun. I'm just feeling too tired for it.

Does work know about your anxiety chips?

chipsahoynicki Wed 18-Jul-12 15:51:12

Cailin, yeah it's easy to forget how tired pregnancy can make you. Are you able to take a power nap before you go out? Or even just a relaxing bath?

NN, that sounds horrid, get well soon.
The anxiety has been heightened since dealing with these guilt issues, I'm spending a lot of time focusing on the r at 17, particularly what they did vs what I did and it's a little like I'm in overload. The more I accept that I was powerless, the more afraid I feel about what happened, like I'm reacting now, which seems silly, I'm not in danger from them now.
Evenings are the worst, my chest aches and I feel fidgety and my skin feels sensitive. I can't stand being touched.

chipsahoynicki Wed 18-Jul-12 15:52:39

I go back part time. Yes work are now aware about it and that I'm getting help. My boss is amazing, I'm lucky to work for him.

Amitolamummy Wed 18-Jul-12 18:08:31

Thanks, he is a bit better today. Using homeopathy and it seems to be clearing quite quickly.
I was really worried last night. He has never been that ill before and it was horrible not having anyone around to help out.

Hope you feel better soon NN
Cailin, hope you get an energy burst soon. I remember feeling like I was trying to walk through treacle with my second pregnancy.
Chips, do you think you are trying to get all of the anxiety and everything out before going back to work? It might be why it feels quite difficult at the moment, because you know you want to get it over and done with?
Dotty they sound really supportive, that's lovely, although I think I would find it a bit difficult to.

How are you doing SP? its hard when you first start to talk about it with people, even if it is only online. It makes it real to yourself. You can say whatever you want here though, nobody will judge you.

I had to miss my counselling this week because littley was ill. I feel like giving up on it now because I really can't afford it anyway. I don't feel I need it now either really, but I guess i'll have to see how I feel in a few days time.

dottyspotty2 Wed 18-Jul-12 18:18:58

Amitola please don't give it up I did as I didn't need it and crashed even worse in some ways the dark suicidal thoughts where horrific, I'm not saying your like that just the way I was.

NaturalNatures Wed 18-Jul-12 19:19:00

Chips, I had the hate being touched thing, mentioned it and everyone started to be very gently tactile with me hmm works though. There's a long time between then and now to work through things, you have nothing to feel guilty about easier said I know and can ease through things like giving people handshakes/hugs to desensitise you a bit.

Amitola, can you get cheaper councelling, just because anyone can use a neutral off loading place.

Amitolamummy Wed 18-Jul-12 20:29:23

No unfortunately my counsellor is letting me pay half anyway and i'm still struggling with it. Benefits don't stretch far and £80 a month is quite a big dent!
I probably will crash again soon, my moods tend to be a bit cyclic so it will be better if i'm still seeing my counsellor. I might just have to make it fortnightly instead.
The EMDR is helping, its just that sometimes I think I would benefit more from learning all of those skills other people learn as a child and adolescent. You know, like how to make real friends and how to tell idiots to go away without either being too soft and nice or going off on one like a lunatic.
My eldest is now becoming really sociable and I need to find the confidence to organise more play dates and things. I'm quite confident about a lot of things but really hate rejection so find it really hard to ask people if they want to meet up or come round. It is especially hard when I knwo my son will be upset if they say no.
Anyway, thats completely off track, but if I hadn't been abused while other people were working all this stuff out, it probably wouldn't be quite so difficult.

dottyspotty2 Wed 18-Jul-12 20:39:42

Sorry was being flippant Amitola I've been so lucky that my counseller hasn't even looked at finances and is just charging the minimum due to circumstances of whats happening I've asked if shes sure and shes adamant that she doesn't want me to worry about paying for it on top of everything else told her it wasn't a problem but no.

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