Devastated and feel sick...my recently widowed Dad is "getting friendly" with his neighbour - who is married!

[NotActuallyAMum]

I'm absolutely shellshocked. Mum has only been gone 7 weeks. What the hell are they both thinking?? How can they think this is OK?

Just want to sit and sob

[SirSugar]

There is something about being widowed that can make some people want to grasp life to the full as soon as possible; as you watch a partner die ( quick in my case, only three weeks ) you realise how short life is and how suddenly it can be over.

I'm not saying that your DF is doing the right thing here as the woman is obviously married - is it possible they had a relationship of some kind efore your mother passed away?

I am sorry for your loss

[NotActuallyAMum]

Thank you

No, nothing before we know that for definite. Her husband is ill, he's got Parkinsons and he's had mental health issues for years - been sectioned twice. He says she's "had a shit life". So that excuses it does it?? I don't think so!

Just can't understand it. He's always been so against anything like this. Can't believe it

[izzyizin]

My sincere condolences on the loss of your beloved dm.

When you say your dad is 'getting friendly' with his married neighbour, have you caught them canoodling or is it that they seem particularly attentive towards each other - maybe with her frequently 'popping in' to 'help out'?

Did your dm pass quickly or did she have prolonged illness before her death?

How old is your df?

[AKissIsNotAContract]

This must be such a hard time when you are so early into the grieving process for your mother. Do you think they could just be friends who are supporting each other through difficult times?

[NotActuallyAMum]

"Getting friendly" were his exact words to me. He's told my youngest brother he's "got a girlfriend" (WTF!! she's someone else's wife!)

Just can't understand why either of them could think it's OK

izzy, Mum was diagnosed with cancer and we lost her 5 weeks later - just 7 weeks ago. We had no idea she was so ill, we thought a few months of chemo and she'd be OK

[NotActuallyAMum]

Dad's 70, sorry forgot that

[Offred]

Calm down a little. I'm sure your feelings are very fragile right now and this is very upsetting. However it is your father's life to live and his mistakes to make. Your reaction will not change his relationship but it may help rip you apart during a time when you all need each other. I think you need to talk to him about it and not put up with "getting friendly" from him. He needs to explain how he feels and what is going on.

[oldwomaninashoe]

Calm down, your Dad has been through an unbelievable period of sudden shock and trauma, please cut him some slack.

She is probably "there" for him went the rest of his family physically can't be, because of your own family commitments etc.

Whilst your Fathers actions are prompted by lonliness, grief and shock the neighbour's actions are only to be guessed at, but probably prompted by lonliness too.

Just be a bit understanding and charitable with regards to the situation, you are missing your Mum, and so is your Dad.

Try and see as much of him as you can and be supportive. And don't tackle him over it, he is an adult, and his emotioms are all over the place right now.

[Proudnscary]

Arrghh just lost long post!

Don't blame you for feeling sick, bewildered and hurt - so sorry for you.

Your dad is an adult and though it must be very painful for you, he can and will seek out new relationships even though it seems way too early to you (well it is too early, I agree).

Unfortunately there is little you can do about this new affair, apart from find the right moment to say it's up to him what he does but this is wrong as she's married - and does he want to talk about it/maybe he's not seeing that clearly at the moment?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Oh grow up ffs. They're both adults that sound like they are desperate for a bit of physical intimacy and what they do is none of your business.

[formerdiva]

Jeez Cogito - she lost her Mum 7 weeks ago and you're getting aggressive? Really nice...

[formerdiva]

OP - old woman speaks sense. Really sorry for your loss - this must be a horrible, horrible time for you x

[MardyArsedMidlander]

This happened with both my father and my great uncle when their wives dies. I think for older men, it's very difficult to live without a woman- particularly if you have had a happy marriage.

In my great uncle's case, his wife knew she was dying and actually 'introduced' him to the woman over the road- as she knew she was also lonely and had a vile husband.
When my dad had his fling with his married colleague (who I liked a great deal) I saw it as a way to deal with his pain- not as a betrayal of my mum. (My mum died 10 days after becoming ill- so it was a huge shock).

[Rindercella]

I am so sorry to hear of your mother's passing OP. It seems terribly cruel that she was taken from you so soon.

I do agree with everyone else though. Grief does funny things to people and this is your father's life to lead, not yours. He must be feeling alone, bereft, grief stricken. Just because he is friendly with another woman does not mean he loves your mother any less, rather that he is just grasping at some kind of happiness in amidst his pain and loneliness.

If he finds happiness in his later years, then surely that is a good thing? Should he live the rest of his life in his wife's memory? Let him live his life and try and support and love each other just as much as you can. Please be kind to him, as well as to yourself.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

The OP doesn't seem worried about the recent bereavement so much as the fact the neighbour is married. TBH it sounds like she's reading far too much into the word 'girlfriend'.

[shinecrazydiamond]

Sorry for the loss of your mum. Very upsetting for you.

However, your dad is an adult with his own choices to make. And this is not your concern so you have no 'right' to feel as you do, although I understand that it must feel very weird.

[CrampedUpMissPiggy]

My dad took up with a woman quickly after my mother's death. It fizzled out very quickly.

Some men don't cope well without companionship initially. You won't be thanked for interfering so I'd just keep an eye on him and try not to be too disapproving.

My dad soon realised that it was a way of masking his grief and ended things with the bloody awful woman.

[NotActuallyAMum]

Thank you to everyone who has been supportive

As for the comment that I "don't seem worried about the recent bereavement", words fail me...

I will keep my nose out, but it's difficult when he keeps asking me what I think. I just keep telling him he's never interfered in my life (true) so I'm not about to start interfering in his

[BelieveInPink]

You've twisted that comment a little bit, Cogito actually said "so much as". Which is true, you don't say this is a betrayal of your mum's memory as such, it's all about the fact she's married.

Sorry about the loss of your mum, I can't imagine how you're feeling after 7 weeks, it's still so raw. But, he is a grown adult and her company will be making him feel better, and that's a good thing surely.

[Proudnscary]

Totally unneccessary Cogito - shame on you.

[BigBoobiedBertha]

NotActuallyAMum - I am so sorry for your loss. That must be absolutely gutting.

I do understand why you apparently focus on the married bit. The bereavement for both you and your father is awful but you can't do anything about it but live through it. You could probably take your DF finding somebody else for a bit of companionship and to be close to but I suspect her being married is just a step too far. Too much to take on board. I don't know what your mother's view might have been - would she have been understanding or would she have been horrified, if say, a friend had done something similar? If she wouldn't have liked it then I can see why it would hurt so much. If she would have been like MardyArsed's great aunt then maybe it would be bearable, knowing that she wanted to help your father.

But in the end, there is nothing you can do. He is an adult, he is your father and you can't live his life for him. Don't let it drive a wedge between you. You still need each other.

[izzyizin]

(((hugs))) honey. You must be reeling from the shock of losing your dm so quickly

It is a recognised fact that grief can make people behave in ways that may seem completely out of character for them.

My guess is that your df is shellshocked by the speed at which his dw fell victim to the bastard disease that is cancer, and this has caused him to confront his own mortality.

In taking up with a ladyfriend who's had a 'shit life', I suspect that he's using her sad but markedly different circumstances to reaffirm that he's a 'vital' being in that blood is still coursing through his veins, and that he's still 'needed' by a woman.

It may also be that in telling your db that he 'has a girlfriend' your df is attempting to take some of the pressure off his family; signifying that they don't need to worry about him being lonely or being burden on them, which is something that becomes of increasing concern to us the older we get.

It may simply be that your df is in denial but, regardless of whether anyone considers it disrespectful for him to even think about having any romantic inclination towards a member of the opposite sex so soon after his dw's passing, the truth is that he isn't hurting your dm in any way and every memory that everyone who knew and loved her has of her remains intact.

I've got a feeling that your dm's smiling benignly down on her dh and saying 'enjoy yourself while you can, you silly old sod - I'll have your guts for garters once you get over here'

FWIW I thought twice about adding the grin emoticon but felt compelled to add it to indicate that your dm isn't at all offended by this turn of events and she wouldn't want you to be perturbed either.

Here's to your dm and her robust sense of humour - she's not lost that.

[NimpyWindowMash]

Sorry for your loss. If he is actually asking you for your opinion, then no reason why you shouldn't give it. That's not sticking your nose in.

[toptramp]

I know this hurts as my dad has a new gf very soon after my mother's death but I have reconciled myself by realising that life is very short and we need to enjoy ourselves while we are here. It dosn't mean he dosn't love your mum.
The fact that she is married however would make me feel sick as I wouldn't want your dad to get hurt.

[NotActuallyAMum]

Thanks again everyone

BigBoobiedBertha "You could probably take your DF finding somebody else for a bit of companionship and to be close to but I suspect her being married is just a step too far. Too much to take on board"

You put it far better than I did, thank you

What would Mum think? Good question. Her and the neighbour were very good friends. Hard to answer that

DH and I are going on holiday on Wednesday for 2 weeks. Can't come soon enough