Don't think DH loves me

[GonePostal]

Out of a storm-in-a-teacup row this evening, DH and I have ended up having a long hard talk about his persistent sadness.

He hates our house.
He hates our cats.
His life is a round of chores, stress, dull, no fun.
We never do anything together, so he doesn't know what our relationship is beyond merely functioning together.
He loves our eldest DC and his times with him are the only bright spots.
It has been a shitty day and a shitty 5 years.

Amongst his various comments about life was nothing about me. Other than nagging him and co-running the household with him, I don't think I really feature - certainly not as an individual, or a positive. The absence of me in his world view felt very telling and it's the first time it's occurred to me that he is no longer in love with me - or even that he doesn't particularly like me.

I love him. He is incredibly special when he is happy. I wish he weren't so sad. It grinds me down. I spend hours talking with him about him. He, and his sadness, is our main topic of conversation.

It hasn't occurred to him to split - he has no plan beyond being miserable and inflicting that on me for the foreseeable future.

I know it will be suggested that he could be depressed. He will not countenance this or doing anything about it.

I love him. I want our family to stay together. It seems crazy to leave. I talk about it - about whether a trial separation would give him an idea of whether he'd be better without me - but it doesn't seem real. I put it to him that he doesn't love me and he doesn't really answer.

Surely if you love someone the least you would do is assure them of that?

I don't know what I'm asking here. Just feel minimised and scared.

[peedoffbird]

Have just read your other thread and it seems that what went on over his hobby night was symptomatic of deeper issues. He sounds a bit self obsessed which could be due to his depression. I think he owes it to you and the dc and himself to go to the docs.

Do you both have any time to yourselves? If not it would be good for you to spend time away from the domestic front and start to get to know each other again. Sounds like you've both lost your way a bit.

It's no fun living with someone who is always miserable all the time and you shouldn't have to put up with this, especially as he is making no effort to help himself.

I hope you are feeling better now. All night discussions and arguing are bloody grim.

Take care and let us know how you are x

[SecondhandRose]

You need to get to the root cause of why he is so low. Doesnt mean he will feel better if you do separate. Really sorry to hear this.

Ask him if he has a 5 year plan, what do you plan to do together? If he cant think that far ahead then I think he probably needs some CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) leading on ti antidepressants if the therapy doesnt work.

I have had CBT and it changed my life for the better. I can also recommend hypnotherapy although I think he needs to believe it will work for him.

[fireice]

A trial separation may help him (and you) be clearer about whether he is miserable because of the relationship that he is in, or something else - if he was to move out and was still as low it would be harder for him to attribute that to you?

[BalloonSlayer]

So did you challenge him at all?

Did you ask some of the following:

He hates our house. What about moving? Where would he like to move to? What about he has a look on Rightmove and finds some suitable properties?


His life is a round of chores, stress, dull, no fun. Compared to whose? Does he think yours is stress-free, exciting and fun?

We never do anything together, so he doesn't know what our relationship is beyond merely functioning together. Well maybe he isn't the only one. What is he planning to do to liven up your relationship?

He loves our eldest DC and his times with him are the only bright spots. Does having a favourite make him feel bad?

Or did you just take all this like some emotional punch-bag? It seems to me you are taking responsibility for his happiness/unhappiness, he is like a child whinging "I'm bored" expecting you to entertain him.

As for the "it's been a shit day and a shit 5 years" comment, I'd be tempted to reply with "and you are a shit husband."

[Offred]

I kind of agree with balloonslayer. He is undoubtedly depressed because he is very unhappy but will not do anything about the parts of life he feels unsatisfied with or his depression. It is not your responsibility to sort him out, you cannot treat his depression. The only way this will improve for you and the children is if he chooses to sort himself out or leave. I think it is absolutely shocking that he said only the eldest makes him happy and I'd be very concerned about that and whether his depression was causing the eldest to try super hard to please him, which would not be healthy at all.

[GonePostal]

I've suggested separations in the past and he think I'm being ridiculously dramatic and shuts down the conversation. So last night I said that I could stay with my parents for a fortnight's "holiday" to which he said that that would be no test of what separation would actually be like; he'd just get to do nothing for a fortnight.

BalloonSlayer, yes I have stood up for myself with a great deal of anger in the past. I have done much frustrated name-calling. The sadness persists nonetheless and I was trying last night to bite my tongue and get to the bottom of his problems; ie the extent to which he is actually unhappy with me as opposed to the shit life throws at both of us.

I have insisted that he seeks help during a previous depressive episode. He equates that to being branded mad and point blank refuses. We have had some awful rows over this. He just won't.

It's not constant. We had a lovely happy fortnight's holiday a while back. But most weekends he has a period in which he gets quiet, tense, stops interacting and upon probing he tells me how miserable he is with one thing or another. This normally develops into an argument.

We spent Saturday looking for a new area to live in. It will mean a much greater commute and less time with the DC. I am willing to do this if it will make him happy. But if his problem is with me/family life, what's the point? This argument will get very circular.

As to DC1 being favourite, that's just a reflection of the fact that he's a walking talking bundle of toddler whirlwind whereas DC2 is a little baby who is quite hard work and needs mainly me. I'm sure he will be great with DC2 when he gets to a more interactive stage.

[Offred]

I think moving somewhere to make him happy would be a mistake. He has depression. Moving will not make him happy. He needs to get help. You need to make the decision to stay or leave based on the idea that things will not improve unless he gets help. Telling you that going to your parent's will not be like a separation is quite controlling.

[Offred]

Also "I've suggested separations" is this because you are thinking it will benefit him? What about you? Why should you and the children be subjected to this with no end in sight because he refuses to get help.

[MidnightHag]

Alcohol is a depressant. Does his "sadness" correlate to when he's been drinking? On your other thread you said he was "drinking himself into oblivion" on Sunday night, so it's unsurprising that the discussion you had was so negative.

[BalloonSlayer]

I can see why being angry with him doesn't help, sorry, although I appreciate WHY you are angry.

I still feel you make excuses for him. You talk about his "sadness" whereas to me he sounds like a draining, self-centred, misery-guts. See the difference?

It's not easy being married to Eeyore.

Perhaps next time you get this shit from him, stay calm and try the Victorian phrase: " I release you. If this life with us is so awful, I release you from it." < adding apart-from-financial-support-and-the-house as muttered disclaimer like on TV adverts>

[GonePostal]

Alcohol hasn't been an issue for ages (years). He is sad anyway. Last nights drinking was unusual - just his response to our blazing row.

I don't think he was trying to prevent me from going to my parents. Just that he thought it wouldnt be representative and I expect he would think it was embarrassing (it would be very much out of the ordinary and strange timing).

I don't want to separate. I love him. Equally I fear wasting years and years of my life dealing with his unhappiness.

[fluffyraggies]

OP, although i'm not convinced that a period of separation is the answer, i'm just wondering why it must be you (and the DC) who would be the ones to move out?

If he were the one to have to go and find his own way without you, his kids and his home for a few weeks he would find it less of a holiday 'with nothing to do'.

[fluffyraggies]

And, therefore, realise what he has to be grateful for.

[solidgoldbrass]

FFS bin this man. He is a lazy self-obsessed whinyarse who needs a good kick in the cock. If you have to carry him and indulge him for much longer you will end up badly depressed yourself.

How are you fixed financially - who owns the house, do you work, does he work? Do some research WRT benefits etc. Then tell him that not only is he miserable, he is making everyone else miserable and it's time he left.

[SecondhandRose]

When I had depression/anxiety I had it a long time as I didnt feel I had anything to be depressed about as I am happy with my family etc. so it took awhile to realise I needed to get help and those physical signs that he has are a sign of it. It is just a chemical imbalance that needs to be put right.

I agree that moving wont help matters and will actually put more strain on things.

If he is concerned about seeing his GP could you make an appointment to see a CBT counsellor privately?

[mummyinspain]

I´m really tempted to say if he has gone off to work, pack your bag pick up the kids and go to your Mum´s / friends / hotel anywhere. Turn phone to silent, get friend to change password on email so you can´t access your own email (if you have one) And take some time to work out what YOU want for YOURself and YOUR kids.

Then you can go back with a clear head in a few days (weeks, never) and can arrange some relate or other couples counciling to get everything sorted.

Sounds like a midlife, I don´t like the hard stuff that comes with a relationship passive aggressive tantrum.

DO NOT move to Make DP happy it will NOT work.

Oh, and have read you other thread, my DP is not perfect but he would a never exclude me from something without a conversation along the lines of
"I fancy having x,y,z round for a boys night, would it be ok if it was just US boys, you don´t have do any of the prep for the night and I thought you might like to go to xxx place so we don´t disturb you, OH and I will do all the cleaning up when they leave"

[mummyinspain]

One other thing.

You do NOT need to Take the BLAME for this.

You DP is unhappy / depressed / what ever, but HE wont seek help and it seems like he is trying to make you take responsibility for HIS condition (by the way I am NOT minimising depression in the slightest,) he is only one that can change how he feels.

[Chandon]

My DH goes through phases of sadness like this (not 5 year long ones though, more a couple of weeks/months, every year or so).

I am only partly sympathetic, as it makes him very self centred. Sometimes I even get cross, as he would never ask how I feel about things.

Ignoring it, not indulging it, and just leaving him to stew really work. Boys and I go out for a fun activity, and then DH feels left out and bucks up.

I don't have the patience for self indulgent "sadness" (usually brought on by having seen friends who are more successful, things like that).

maybe I sound unkind, but it works for us. Allowing him to wallow leads to nothing. Shwoing him the kids and I will just go out and have a ncie them without him, if he feels miserable, always brings it home.

When he has been upset for a reason (impending unemployemnt, sickness in the family), I am obviously extra very nice to him, I am not a total b%tch, just don't indulge the self centred self pity episodes.

[pictish]

It is very self indulgent of him wallow in his misery and inflict it on you OP. Seems like he whines to mummy, and mummy is expected to sort it all out and kiss his boo boo better.
Except you're not his mum, are you?

He hates where you live - so he should look into moving.

He hates the cats - grow up. Seriously.

His life is a round of chores, stress, dull, no fun - yep, him and everyone else over the age of 25 with a job and children and a house to run. He's not special.

You never do anything together - so tell him to see to it that you do. He can organise a babysitter and you can both go out together. Why is that your fault?

I read your other thread OP, about the mates coming round, so I know where this row blew out of. I reckon most of it is frustrated bluster all coming out at once...a splurge of conciousness. I don't think it's that he doesn't love you, so much as his expectations of life as an adult are rather immature.

[Vicky2011]

It was clear to anyone with an ounce on EI on your other thread that this man was behaving like a bully. Now it is clear that he is regularly a bully. Sounds to me like he is just one of life's "not very nice people" who won't get treated for depression as they rather enjoy the power which being negative affords them.

Vile.

[solidgoldbrass]

It's also a matter of (having read both threads) this man wanting the OP to 'make his life better' by being his servant and indulging his every whim: how dare she expect him to do any chores? She should be doing them all, she's the 'woman'. How dare she expect to be included in social events, she belongs in the kitchen! He is using his 'depression' as a weapon; the Lord and Master must be made happy, or everyone else will suffer.

[Offred]

I'm not sure he is even depressed, she has said on the other thread he socialises a lot, I think he's just abusive and sexist. He likes the sexist script because it provides him with the opportunity to make you into a quiet little slave. This is probably what e means by "I'm not happy", liking the older child but not the baby reminds me of when my abusive xp (who used to make me go and sit in the bedroom with ds during the day etc) said the reason he never had anything to do with our baby and used to make me take him away from him is that "he didn't DO anything for him". Prize idiot DH you have there, can't help but think you should tell him to leave but obviously that's up to you.

[Offred]

I'm not happy (with how you are failing to make me happy).

[futureunknown]

I am so sorry OP. He obviously has problems but is too proud/arrogant/selfish/lazy (take your pick) to start getting to the bottom of them. Only he can sort himself out, nothing you say or do will make him happy.

At the moment he is draining you of energy and happiness. Something has got to change.

[ChippingInNeedsCoffee]

GonePostal -

This has been going on for a long time. It seems like there are occasional good times, as you say he's great when he's happy (or maybe you just have a bloody good memory!)?!

You say you love him and you don't want to leave, but you need to ask yourself - do you love & want to be with the man he is OR the man he was/you want him to be?

If you knew he was going to be as he is now, for the rest of his life, without change - would you really want to be in this relationship? Really?

You have a long life ahead of you, much more ahead of you than behind you (as an adult)... you have the right to live your life and be happy, you don't have to stay with someone who wont take any responsibility for their own life and simply wants to blame you for their boring/miserable/shitty life...

Staying 'for the kids' is never a good idea either - they wont be happy living like this and they wont thank you for it. Divorce is hard on kids, living with parents who are rowing or even just a self absorbed miserable parent is even harder on kids.

Things do need to change - this is no life for you or the kids.