do you know what your dp loves about you?

[fedupwithlife]

Hi there, just wanted some feedback really, my dp finds it really hard to express himself intimately. He tells me he loves me, he cooks for me and my children delicious meals, he fixes things around my house (we don't live together) he'll even babysit while I go out. But he doesn't want anything physical with me at the moment, he tells me he loves me but he can't tell me what he loves about me or give me any compliments so I'm begining to think 'he's just not that into me!' He says its just not in his genes to be like that but he does want me etc. surely though if he were in to me he would want to give his gf compliments at the very least. He is stressed at work and has a skin problem which is making him feel undesirable himself but surely he should be able to express himself somehow.

Should I expect the odd compliment from my so called bf or am I just being silly here?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

IME People that gush compliments left, right and centre, are often over-compensating for something. People that fish for compliments are usually pretty insecure.

[Anniegetyourgun]

On the last knockin's, when XH and I were just waiting for our house to sell before separating, I asked him what he had liked about me. He said my hair, my smile, my figure when we first got together (!)... I said ok, but that's all about looks, what about the essential me? What about my character? He looked at me all confused; it really didn't compute.

We had been together for 25 years.

[MrsMangoBiscuit]

Five love languages. This is something that was covered in our ante natal classes, one week was about changes in your relationship and how to cope with it. DH and I did snigger through a fair bit of it we're not romantic people! But I did find it quite interesting that we all show our affection in different ways, usually depending on what we've grown up with. If your DP and you are showing it in different ways, then you might not be "hearing" each other as you're expecting it to be expressed differently.

[Spuddybean]

This used to bother me with DP. But I have accepted we are just different. When I ask what he likes about me he finds it really difficult to think of anything. Whereas I could reel off my top 5 straight away. If pushed he stumbles about my hair, legs etc and (as annie pointed out above) nothing about what makes me me.

I honestly don't think he could describe me to anyone if they asked. If someone said 'what's Spuddy like?' he wouldn't be able to think of anything. Even physically he doesn't 'notice' me. Friends showed him pictures with me in them once and he kept asking 'which one are you?'! They were horrified.

All he knows is his life feels better with me in it - he doesn't know why and that's enough for him. It is his limit unfortunately. This is not just me tho, he doesn't notice anyone or couldn't describe their personalities either. He just likes or dislikes people.

He has a female friend who is very different from me. He knows we are different but he doesn't know why.

We think he is on the aspergers scale. It has been mentioned by everyone he meets/knows.

[fedupwithlife]

Hmm thanks its interesting to know there are others like this and just him, I've never come across it before tbh. I don't expect compliments left right and centre, but just one now and again would be nice, but maybe I just have to accept thats the way he is hmmmm thanks guys x

[attheendoftheday]

I asked dp once, he said he loved my uncompromising moral values. I had been hoping he would say my witty conversation and demon sexual skills, so it was a bit of a let down.

[flameroasted]

DP is very good at complimenting me, in the 5 Love Languages-speak he definitely falls under 'Word of Affirmation'. He doesn't tend to do it in general with other people, so I don't think he's insecure, I just think he genuinely appreciates my looks/humour/creativity.

I, otoh, feel a bit false when I'm giving compliments to him, it doesn't feel natural to me. I thank him often whenever he's done something nice to show I appreciate it, and make an effort to buy thoughtful gifts or deeds that mean something to him. We have talked about this and he understands that's the best way for me to express myself, it's just an equivalent way, not any better.

So I'd say OP if he's showing you appreciation and it's clear that he loves you, then let him express it in his own way. Some people just don't feel comfortable giving verbal compliments but are making their feelings known in other ways.

[AltruisticEnigma]

I am pretty lucky. My partner is good with his emotions, but not overly so. He'll describe how he likes my body, how caring I am, how patient I am and how I always make him smile, which is nice to hear. :)

I think the fact he doesn't really mention direct physical attributes is because he is blind. Although he obviously feels how I am physically and has told me I am beautiful.

I think it depends on the person though. My Dad was never really the type to say anything, except that when I said Mum was kind or something, he'd agree and say she was.

[Spuddybean]

I did the 5 languages one and I'm defo the gift one. When i'm out i always pick something silly/little up for DP. If there are cakes in the office I bring my peice home for DP.

DP on the other hand never ever thinks of me when he's without me. His presents range from the pretty awful (a book about the history of electricity) to the shockingly selfish (a book of sex tips on what he likes in bed).

He comes back from trips and opens his bag grinning to 'show me the presents' he's bought, then proceeds to display a series of things he has bought himself from places i would love ie cufflinks from the Smithsonian. If he has got me anything at all, it will be some rancid perfume from duty free (which he wont have even smelled). I studied history of art and love museums, i think to myself why didn't he just pick me up some earrings or a book when he was there?

It makes me so sad to not have little tokens to show he cares, or that he thinks of me when he is working away. But the truth is he just doesn't think of me when he's away.

[WhateverHappenedToWinceyWillis]

My tits.

[flameroasted]

Spuddybean, DP is similar in that he never picks me up thoughtful gifts when he is away - sometimes he'll bring me something back but often something very generic. I don't think it means he's not thinking of me - he will come back and tell me things he's seen and how he wishes I'd been there. DP is just not into little token things, I think he finds gifts like that a bit wasteful.

But he's much, much better if I send him out with instructions for a particular item, things you can only get abroad etc. I used to feel a bit grabby for dropping hints like that but we've both established that it's the easiest way for him to feel like he's doing something I'd appreciate and for me to get something that I'd like!

[Spuddybean]

flame Yes DP keeps saying he can't wait to take me to the places he has seen and how much i would have loved it. He takes pics to show me, but i just don't understand why he always gets himself things and picks up nothing for me. Just weird. Also his parents are the worst present buyers. Apparently it's the thought that counts, but sadly the thought appears to be 'we have never met you before'.

DP works in a very straight laced profession and is a serious man. But this year PILs gave him heavy metal skull jewellery! Seriously wtf! I would have said erm why? But he came home wearing it!

I now do a list throughout the year for xmas and birthday for DP. I even attach links for where to buy them. By birthday is close to xmas so last year he bought me the same for both . Not a joint xmas/b-day present but virtually exactly the same actual things twice and just gave them to me again a month later.