Post affair - any ideas about coping with 'the anniversaries'?

[RightFedUp]

We're in the run up to the first anniversaries post DH's affair. I'm hoping it'll be like the anniversaries of bereavement ie the dread of them was worse than the anniversaries themselves.

The bits I'm most uncomfortable with are the anniversary of the day he left to work in the overseas client office (having not told me about the woman who asked him for sex the previous time he went), the day he decided he was going to chat someone from that office up for a shag (succeeded) and his birthday, which happened while he was there so also was spent with her. Strangely, I'm not so bothered about the anniversary of when he told me about the affair.

Our couples therapist was keen to point out that we can't change a single second of the past, only the way we respond to it. I think I'm afraid that I was so 'together' at the time that it'll bite me this time around. I didn't suppress stuff at the time but I do wonder if there's something brewing. FWIW I didn't properly grieve my parents when they died as there were other people that I felt I had to be 'strong' for.

I have cried and raged when I've needed to and I mostly feel ok now but I am so not looking forward to these next 6 weeks.

BTW - all 'leave the bastard' suggestions will be duly ignored.

[Thundersighs]

I'm 4 years on from discovery and anniversaries are the hardest bit to be honest. Its been bloody hard work all round and I feel that I am only now turning the corner. It was a ONS so I don't have lots of dates to dwell on, just the date that it happened which was a few days after our DS's birthday. I think our recovery was complicated a bit as the OW died in a freak accident last year and for a while her picture was everywhere in our fairly small community so she was literally staring me in the face for a while. I had a hard time hiding how I felt (relief) in the face of loads of fake sympathy from others for a drunken old skank that they would normally have crossed the road to avoid.

I know it may sound trite but just take each day as it comes and prepare to rant and rave a whole lot more in the months to come.

[izzyizin]

I suspect you'll sail through the first 2 reminders of his duplicity 'anniversaries', but when it comes to his birthday you may well be tempted to murder leave the bastard.

Strictly speaking your therapist was correct in that we are unable to change a single second or minute/hour/etc of the past, but we can change the way we view it.

It'll be a challenge to put a positive spin on his infidelity but, presumably, your union has become stronger and more fullfilling for both of you post his affair.

These first anniversaries will be raw, but the passage of time will eventually dull the pain that comes with remembrance of events we wish had never happened.

[tribpot]

Presumably your DH has some idea of how difficult you may find these coming days. Does he have any coping strategies to suggest, or ideas for how he could help take your mind off things?

I think it's reasonable to assume that although you didn't suppress things before, you were in 'fight or flight' mode and how have time to reflect or process what was happening. The immediate aftermath is different from the later reminders.

Presumably at the end of it though is a happy anniversary of your joint decision to stay together and give the marriage another chance. Your DH is no doubt grateful that you didn't 'leave the bastard' and should be intending to spend these days reminding you he still realises how lucky he is.

I hope the days aren't as difficult as you fear they might be, but it's bound to be unsettling, even if your marriage is now back on track.

[RightFedUp]

Thunder sorry to hear that you're still struggling 4 years later. I will certainly be ranting if I need to but it's more sadnes than anger really.

tribpot yes we do talk about it and he is well aware of how extremely lucky he is. He's worked hard to sort himself out (at therapist's now!) and to support me however I'm feeling. He doesn't duck any of the nasty at all.

He's organised a long weekend to somewhere I've always wanted to go but because of my work / kids school, that'll be after the 'anniversaries'. But it does give us something exciting to look forward to. I agree with what you say about now having time to reflect / process. I think that's what's happening and I don't want to shy away from it.

[stargazy]

It sounds as if he is genuinely remorseful and putting in a lot of effort - as did my DH, and continues to do so in lots of little ways.
Have you thought about individual counselling for yourself? Just someone removed from friends and family to really talk to about how YOU feel.Thats what I ended up doing.About a year to 18 months seemed to be the hardest time.It was as if everything had settled back down to 'normal' and yet in my head it was far from.Couples counselling is great if you get a good one,but it's seemed to be about hearing each side equally.Sometimes you just need to rant and weep to someone without DH there IYSWIM.
As Tribot says the first few months that fight or flight survival mode is running high.And like you I held it all together.I had a DC with health problems,a joint business to run that meant pasting a smile on every day,frail elderly parents and in-laws that I didn't want to upset by knowing their beloved son I law/son had messed up.Plus a close family bereavement shortly after discovery.
In a way I held it together too much and it almost made me ill.
But good luck with your anniversary.It does get easier the further you get from all those significant dates.
Like you I decided not to 'leave the bastard' and I've no regrets now whatsoever.I hope you feel that in a year or two's time x

[Dprince]

I don't know what to say apart from I am sorry you are so sad and I hope its not as bad at you are expecting. Good luck.

[RightFedUp]

Thanks Stargazy I may well find a therapist when DH has finally finished his sessions - can't afford 2 lots at once. Only 1 person apart from those involved and the therapist knows about the affair in RL and I only told her recently. She is going through a horrific divorce and I wanted her to know why I hadn't been able to be there for her. I also didn't want to lie about the reason.

I don't have regrets about my decision to work things through as, overall, it's going really well. I like both of us a lot more now than I did before. It just hurts sometimes. It's good to hear that you've done so well too.

Thanks Dprince - appreciated.

[stargazy]

I know just how you feel.On balance we have had many more loving days where communication between us had been better than it's ever been.We made a great team before things went askew and now we are back on track I feel we are stronger than ever.
But it's been hard,hard work.However on balance many more days have been good than bad.And feelings of sadness can still hit me ,only today I had a 'moment' or two of reflection.But much less often,and much less severe.Hang on in there.

[RightFedUp]

Will do - and yes I have many more ups than downs, too.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Its been just over a year for me - tbh anticipating the anniversaries was harder than the actual anniversaries.

We were on a family holiday during the first significant anniversary and kind of forgot the date.